I feel like the apologies are getting kind of old now, but I'm sorry that I've made you all wait over a month again! Come summertime I'll update more often.
It was nearly one in the morning and I lay on my bed, once in a while I screamed some kind of profanity into my pillow and hoped it would be some sort of catharsis, not that it was. Ally's songbook lay open on the nightstand, left open to one of my favorite pages, the draft for Parachute.
Eventually I picked myself up and sit on the side of the bed. I rested my elbows on my legs and pushed my fingers through my hair, coaxing myself into thinking I'd dreamed what had happened. I picked up the songbook and leaned back against my pillows. Skimming through the later pages, I eventually made it to the final page of the songbook. I flipped it forwards and backwards and realized that Ally had left the final page blank. I'd not looked at the last few pages yet, for fear that they would make me even more mad at myself than I already was, but I figured there was no time better to read Ally's final entry into her beloved songbook. I turned the page back to the penultimate page of the book and noticed the words were kind of smudged, only in a few spots, but they had clearly been wet at some point. It took me too long to realize why the smudges were so localized.
As I read I felt my heart sink. How did I not know that Ally loved me? Why couldn't I see it? How could I not realize I loved her too? Her last lines were as poetic as ever, and as heartbreaking as they should be. I read them over and over, hoping that at some point the ache in my chest would stop when I read that final line, but it didn't.
Just remember that I'll always love you.
And there's still no way I could make it without you.
Ally
I laid my head against my pillow and closed my eyes, praying for some kind of sign.
"Hey, sleepyhead." I shot up when I heard a voice in my room, it took me a moment to notice the silhouette against the window frame. I blinked the sleep out of my eyes and swung my legs over the side of the bed.
"What are you doing?" I watched her look around the room, she picked up one of the guitars I had left and then set it back down in it's stand, just as it had been. She looked at me and laughed, not loud or gaudy, but just kind of pensively, as if it were a way to break the silence that had settled over us.
"You know what, I don't even know," she said as she sat down beside me, bouncing a little as she settled onto the bed. "I just wanted to come see you. And look at this room. So many memories in here. It's just like high school." I had to shake myself out of a daze when she looked at me, expecting some kind of response.
"Yeah," I replied, my eyes roaming her face. She looked at me strangely for a moment, but then turned away, back to the portal to our teenage years. After a few moments she caught my eye again.
"Do you remember that night back when we were dating?"
"Which time?" I laughed and she nodded, realizing that she hadn't been very specific.
"The second time we were dating. Your parents were away at that mattress expo or whatever so we came back here after the movie and we almost, you know."
"Yeah, I know," I smiled at her and thought back to it. We'd spent the entire movie hanging on each other and I knew Ally wasn't much for PDA but this time she seemed to be all for it. I couldn't even remember what movie we saw at that point, but then again, I couldn't even remember the plot the next day. When we'd come back to my empty house we'd planned on chilling out or maybe going in my parents' hot tub or something, but one thing led to another and we were upstairs half naked within ten minutes. We almost made it to third base that night, God knows why we didn't go all the way.
"Austin," Ally asked, breaking me from my memory.
"Yes?"
"Why didn't we, you know," she made an awkward sort of motion with her hands before continuing, "that night...?"
"You know what," I started. "I couldn't possibly tell you. And we broke up so soon after that. I always kind of regretted not going the distance that night." That was it. Ally shot me a look and I was sure I had crossed a line. That is, until she spoke again.
Her face softened and she smiled, "To be honest, I kind of regretted it too." I didn't know what to say. The words stuck in my throat as I watched Ally play with her necklace as she looked at the ground.
"Why," I finally said.
"Because you were always there for me. I just wish I'd done that with someone I knew I could trust."
"Who did you, you know?"
She looked at her necklace for a while before finally looking me in the eye and answering. "Some guy at a frat party sophomore year. His name was Adam and I think we dated for like, twenty minutes before he got me drunk enough to comply."
That was about the worst thing she could have said. I hated knowing that I could have made her first time something special. I hated knowing that I had the chance to make her not regret something that big in her life.
"But sometimes," she continued, "I tell people you were my first." I smiled at her and she rested her head on my shoulder. "Is that your old iPod?" She reached onto my nightstand and picked up the machine, pressing the button to turn it on and smiling, I could tell from the way it felt on my shoulder. "Oh my God. It's all of our songs." She picked her head up and looked at me, then picked one of the songs from the list and set it down on the old iHome that I still had on the nightstand. She pressed play and then held her hand out to me. "Come on."
I took her hand and let her lift me off the bed. I knew what the song was after the first few notes and she waited for me to acknowledge that fact. I did one better and started to sing when the first line came, she laughed and I put my arm around her waist, taking a step toward her.
"Sometimes love's a scary place. It's like standing in the dark." I sang the first line then spun her out and gestured for her to continue.
"Flying through the universe trying to fix your broken heart." She spun back into my arms and I we started to dance again, just like when we were fifteen and I tried to teach her to dance.
"It's okay to let it go, you don't have to be so brave." I spun her out again and when she spun back I dipped her, again just like when we were fifteen, but this time I didn't drop her.
"Take a chance that someone else is gonna swoop in and save the day." She sang from my lowered arms and as she finished I slowly brought her back up to my face.
"You don't have to face your fears alone-"
"'Cause whenever you're in trouble, I'll know."
She stopped singing after that, but I didn't. We went through the whole song, spinning around the room and when that final note ended, it felt as if seven years worth of weight and heartache had been lifted from my shoulders and my heart. We landed back on the bed and lay against the comforter, breathing slowly and laughing whenever we looked at each other.
"Thanks," Ally said, turning her head to look at me.
"For dancing?" I turned and watched her eyes as she thought. She turned her face toward the ceiling and folded her hands over her stomach, slowly breathing out.
"Thanks for everything." I still wasn't sure what she meant but I didn't feel that digging for more would be the right thing to do at this point so I just mimicked her new position and stared at my old bedroom ceiling.
"Austin?"
"Yeah,"
"Can I tell you something?" She kept her face turned to the ceiling but she started to wring her hands, obviously distressed. I turned and propped my head against my hand.
"Sure, Ally. You can tell me anything." She looked at me then back at the ceiling.
"I don't know if I can marry Owen."
This was it, the moment I'd been waiting for to tell her that Owen was cheating on her. The moment to tell her that she was with the wrong guy.
"Why not?" My heart stirred and I felt an actual pain as I waited for her answer, just something that would keep me from going completely insane.
"Other than the fact that he's cheating on me?" I stared at her with wide eyes and bit the inside of my lip so hard I could taste blood. How did she know? How could she know? Why would she still be getting ready to marry this dick if she knew? She turned to me again and locked eyes with me. "I'm pretty sure I'm still in love with you."
Ooo drama! I figured a nice plot twist was what the story needed right now. Don't worry, all will be explained later. Hopefully not a month from now, though.
Please review and give me inspiration!
