Chapter 30: Adjusting

"My soul is a dark ploughed field / In the cold rain; My soul is a broken field / Ploughed by pain." – Sara Teasdale

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not the absence of fear." – Mark Twain

"You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts; And when you can no longer dwell in the solitude of your heart you live in your lips; and sound is a diversion and a pastime." – Kahlil Gibran (The Prophet)


Vaughn felt cold and alone. It was dark where he was. He opened his eyes to try to deduce his location, but he found that only one of his eyes would open. It took awhile before his eye adjusted to the darkness and he could see anything. The room was small, cement floor and walls. From what he could tell, it seemed the whole room was cement gray in color. He was lying on the floor – that would be why I'm cold, he thought. He attempted to sit, but the pain that surged through him when he tried forced him back hard on the floor. The air left his lungs and he gasped, like a fish out of water, trying to force air back down. He tried lying perfectly still, and that seemed to work. He moved his head from side to side, trying to remember what had happened. It took him a minute, but then it all came back: Sloane, Sark, other men he couldn't place. He remembered laughing and fists connecting with his body. He remembered kicks to the ribs, and pain…lots of pain. Flashes of objects, red hot to the touch, coming nearer towards him. He tried to move away, but there was no escape. Why was this happening? Where was he? Where was Sydney? Sydney! Oh God, he hoped they hadn't hurt her. Sloane had threatened him while they were beating him; horrid things that he didn't even want to think about, he didn't want to remember. He was so cold. He had no idea how long he stayed on the floor, the simple act of breathing taxing his strength. A somber and ominous feeling began to take over him. Something was going happen, someone was coming. But who? The door to the room, metal and from what he could tell, thick, slowly began to creak open with a terrible screeching. His ears recoiled at the noise as his eyes flew to the door. A large figure was standing in it, blocking almost all the light that flooded into the room. The figure approached, pain, more pain…and Vaughn screamed.

Sydney bolted up in the bed when she heard someone yell. Her foggy brain took a minute to sort out that the sound had emanated from the man lying next to her. Instantly she moved over to him. He was writhing on the bed, seemingly fighting a phantom assailant.

"Vaughn, Vaughn!" she said in an attempt to wake him. She tried shaking him gently, but it only served to make him move away from her.

"Hey, easy…it's me…Vaughn, it's Sydney…I'm right here…" She gently took his head in her arms and rocked him. He was shaking uncontrollably and whimpering softly. She stroked his hair and spoke in gentle tones, trying to lull him out of the nightmare he had just obviously been immersed in.

Will picked that moment to burst into Sydney's bedroom with a baseball bat, fighting stance blazing, bat high in the air, wearing nothing but a pair of boxers with little rubber duckies on them. Francie followed close behind with her own choice of weapon – a frying pan, clad in what looked like Will's shirt. Had Sydney not been concerned with Vaughn, she totally would have made fun of the two, they looked absolutely ridiculous, but she'd save that for later.

Will lowered the bat, "Oh…everything ok in here?" he asked quietly.

Sydney looked over at the pair, "Yeah, we're ok…just…well…we're fine." Vaughn was clinging desperately to Sydney and she could sense that right at the moment, he was not very comfortable with these two in the room. "Look, I hate to say this, and I mean it in the best possible way, but would you mind getting out of here?" She smiled apologetically.

Will looked embarrassed, "Uh…no…sorry, our mistake…we'll…just…yeah, leave you alone." He closed the door quietly and Sydney could hear them returning to Francie bedroom.

Once she was alone again with Vaughn, he seemed to relax, but he was still shaking.

"Vaughn, what happened?" She waited for an answer, but one didn't arrive. She just held him for a while, while his breathing returned to normal and his body stopped trembling.

He loosened the grip he had on Sydney's arm and wiped the sweat that had gathered on his forehead.

"Yeah, that was a good one…"

"Are you ok?"

"I think so."

"Did you hurt yourself?"

"Uh, no, I don't think so…" his voice was raspy and he still seemed shaky.

"Why don't I get you some water…is the pain ok? Or should I get a pill too?"

"Yeah, pill'd be good too…" he said.

She extricated herself from his grip and moved quickly to the bathroom. She retrieved the pills, a glass of water and a wet washcloth. She sat down next to him and helped him get the pill down. Then she gently wiped his face, attempting to wash the strain and fear off. He looked up at her as she tenderly caressed him.

"You wanna talk?" she asked quietly.

He looked at her for a minute, and she could see that her attempt to wash it all away hadn't really done the trick.

"Yeah…ok…"

"What happened in your dream?" she prodded.

"It was dark…I…I was back in the room that you found me in…I was in pain…I couldn't move…" he stopped for short and tried to take a deep breath to calm himself. "I was just waiting there, I knew something was coming, but I couldn't move, no one would have cared anyway…I was just there…then the door opened…a man came in…he blocked most of the light from the doorway…he came at me…" he shuddered, "he…well, let's just say it wasn't fun…" he tried a weak smile.

Sydney didn't smile back, "What did he do to you?"

"I couldn't see his face…he…you know…I'm not sure what's worse, seeing your attacker coming at you and being powerless to do anything or not see your attacker and not see it coming…I just…I…"

Sydney wanted to reach out to him, to tell him to stop, that he was safe and no one would hurt him, but she waited, she sensed there was something else he needed to get out.

"It was like I was right back there, Syd. There was nothing I could do…there's nothing worse than that…all I could think about, even in the dream, was you…and it terrified me. All the while I was there, the only thing that kept me going was knowing you were looking for me…but there's always this doubt, you know…what if Sloane got to you too…he'd taunt me with that, saying how easy it would be to get you too…that you could join me…I begged, I begged him not to hurt you, to just keep me, to kill me…anything…I just…I wanted you to be safe, that's all I wanted…" the stream of consciousness that poured out of him abruptly stopped when he looked up at Sydney and saw tears running down her cheeks. His face changed to remorse. "I'm sorry Syd…I didn't want to make you cry."

"No, Vaughn, I hate what they did to you, it makes me so angry…how he could use us against each other, make us terrified for the other…you want to know the really funny thing?"

"What?" he asked.

"I said the same thing to Sloane…I begged him to take me instead, not to hurt you…to just come after me…"

Vaughn smiled, "I wouldn't want that, ever…I'd rather have this happen to me than you, Syd."

"I wouldn't Vaughn…" she said quietly. "If I could take it back, if I could trade places with you…I would."

"I already told you," he forced her to look at him, "I wouldn't want that." He waited a minute, and then smiled again, "Besides, it's too late anyway, I beat you to this one, no pun intended...so discussion over…"

She smirked, "You're insane and impossible. And I love you."

"I love you too."

She kissed him and then returned the pills and the washcloth to the bathroom. She came back and settled on him so her body was covering his.

"You wanna try to get some more sleep?" she asked form her vantage point on his chest.

"Hmm…I think I'll just wait a while…"

"Ok…I'll wait with you…what should we do while we wait?" she smiled giddily.

"Why don't you tell me a story," he yawned. "Maybe if you talk to me while I try to sleep, I won't have any more nightmares tonight."

"Hmm…what kind of story?"

"Something funny…how about…most embarrassing moment?"

"Uh un…no way…"

"Aw, come on, you're not going to refuse an injured man are you?" he looked at her with his little boy face.

"Fine…but I swear, if this ever leaves this room, I'm going to personally kick your ass."

"Deal…"

She began to tell him, and watched with amusement; about two minutes into the story, he was fast asleep again. Exhaustion has a funny way of catching up to you, she thought as she drifted off with him.