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Chapter 38: Pre Check-up
"Words alone are not enough…Where our strength and determination are clear, our words need merely to convey conviction, not belligerence. If we are strong, our strength will speak for itself. If we are weak, words will be of no help." – John F. Kennedy
"The heart has its reasons which reason does not know." – Pascal
"Heaven is not reached by a single bound, But we build the ladder by which we rise." – J.G. Holland
Sydney had been meticulous with Vaughn's care over the next few days. She made sure that his bandages were changed when they needed to, she made sure that he ate at least something a few times a day, she made sure he did the deep breathing, she made sure that he was comfortable at all times, she made sure he took his medication when he was supposed to. She gave him a bath every other day, much to his delight.
He spent much of his time asleep, his body trying to repair the damage that it had weathered. He'd get frustrated that he couldn't do much and that literally everything made him tired, but Sydney kept him in rather high spirits all things considered. They dealt with a few nightmares that cropped up during that time, and also dealt with a few muscle spasms, which Sydney hoped would go away quickly because they really seemed to take a lot out of Vaughn. He'd sleep for hours after enduring one, usually most of the whole day.
Sydney had spent a lot of time with Will and Francie over those days, and she realized that she'd missed her friends' company the last few months. Life got really busy, and they hadn't had time to really connect. They had both been marvelous; both helped out whenever they could. Will had helped Sydney move Vaughn around when he needed to, particularly on those bath trips, and Francie kept spoiling Vaughn by making him extravagant meals that were really easy to eat. She took great pleasure in whipping something up for him, and having him enjoy eating it. Sydney held even more admiration for the pair then ever before.
Since Vaughn spent much of the day sleeping, and Francie and Will were at work, the days were quiet and Sydney, although she would never admit it to Vaughn, would get rather stir crazy. She didn't want to leave him alone while he was sleeping, she feared that he'd wake after she left and hurt himself thinking she'd left really. She spent some time getting to know Donovan better. The dog loved the attention, and would spend his own days between his sleeping master and his master's girlfriend, who was rapidly becoming one of his favorite humans. She watched a few movies, and read some more of her book. She cleaned up the house a little and then worked out quietly while Vaughn slept. When he was awake, she'd sit with him in the bedroom and watch TV, they'd snack and talk, but he'd tire soon after, and would drift off. He always was very apologetic when he woke again, but Sydney assured him that was what he was supposed to be doing at the moment.
Before any of them knew it, it was the night before of the check-up. Tom had called that afternoon to confirm that he'd be arriving sometime in the early afternoon the next day.
Will and Francie got home that day slightly before dinner and Francie set out to make another world-famous meal. Will offered to help and they were laughing quietly and flirting while making dinner. Sydney sat out in the kitchen with them and the three talked about old memories, and Sydney was having a really great time. Dinner was just about ready and she excused herself to go check on Vaughn. Donovan trotted along with her and she expected him to be asleep when she entered, and anticipated rousing him to eat. However, he was wide awake when she entered and staring off, looking out the curtained window as dusk set in and night came on.
"Hey…" she said quietly.
"Hey," he replied quietly, and didn't turn to look at her.
She stood silently by the bedside for a few moments, starting to get worried. Donovan barked loudly at the two, but not even that brought Vaughn out of his reverie.
"Vaughn?" she asked tentatively.
"Yeah," he replied again but didn't look at her.
"What's the matter? Why didn't you call me when you woke up? How long have you been awake?"
His gaze stayed fixed on the window, but eventually he answered, "I've been up for awhile…"
"And why didn't you call?" Sydney pried.
He finally moved his gaze to her, and she couldn't read his expression, "I don't know. I guess I thought you'd want to talk with Will and Francie for a while. I wasn't in pain or anything…"
His gaze once again turned to the window.
She was dumbfounded as to what to say to him. She thought a moment and then sat down next to him on the edge of the bed. Finally, when she couldn't think of anything else, she said, "Dinner's almost ready."
"Not hungry," he replied.
"Francie will be disappointed to hear that, she's making another world-famous meal for you."
"Well, tell her I'm sorry then," he snapped and sighed.
"Vaughn, what's going on? Why are you acting this way?"
"Nothing…it's fine…"
She realized at this point, it was rather pointless to keep this conversation going, it was rather one-sided anyway. He didn't seem to want to talk, so she said, "Well, if you get hungry, then let me know…"
She got up and he didn't respond, just kept his gaze fixed on the window. She turned briefly at the door to look at him and he shifted his gaze momentarily towards her. She thought for a moment he was going to let her in, but he only said, "Can you take the dog with you?"
"Yeah…come on, Donovan…" The dog trotted out with her and she stopped outside the door for a moment, shaking her head, wondering what had just happened.
She came back out into the kitchen and Will and Francie were still laughing and talking happily. They both turned and saw Sydney's face.
They both asked at the same time, "What's wrong?"
Francie added, "Is Michael ok?"
Sydney looked at the two and smiled. "I think he's ok…I don't know, that was really strange, so un-Vaughn like. He was already awake, but he didn't call me or anything. He was just kind of sitting there. He said he wasn't hungry…I don't know, he just didn't seem like himself…"
Will offered, "Maybe he's just nervous about tomorrow?"
She smiled at them again, "Maybe…"
"Should we still eat?" asked Francie.
"Of course, just because he's not hungry doesn't mean that we can't eat…let's eat…"
Francie nodded and Will and Sydney set the table. Sydney was just about finished with the last set of silverware, when something dawned on her and she walked off to the bedroom. Will watched her go, then looked back to Francie and shrugged his shoulders. "Well, now what do you we do?" he asked.
"I guess we wait until she comes back," Francie answered. She put the dinner on warm and they sat at the table and talked while they waited.
"What do you think that was about?" Will finally asked rather out of the blue.
"I don't know," Francie answered.
They sat in silence for a minute, then moved on to other topics.
Sydney walked back into the room and Vaughn was still staring off out the window.
She approached the bed, sat down and started, "Ok, look, I don't know what's going on really, but I'm going to take a guess. I was just setting the table and I realized something…you can't sit at the table…at least not right now. And whenever you eat, you eat in here, and I have to help you. You never get to eat with us; you eat with me sometimes, but not with us as a group. I suppose you woke up and heard us talking and thought that I'd rather stay out there with my friends, instead of running in here…am I warm?"
Vaughn's eyes shifted, but he didn't look at her directly. She took that as a positive affirmation though, and continued, "So, that means that you've probably been sitting in here, thinking way more than you should be, about things that aren't really true. I've been sitting here the last few days, and when you sleep, I'll admit that I get kind of stir crazy. I'm not mad at you or anything, so don't think that either, but I also just realized that you sit in the same bed; same spot, everyday, unless you move to the bathroom – but again, that's only for a little while, and you wind up right back here again, and you never even get to see the living room. You don't even get the luxury of sitting on the couch, or reading, and TV gets really boring after a few hours. If I'm going stir crazy, you must be going nuts. You're used to being around, playing hockey, jogging with Donovan, this must be really difficult, and I'm sorry. I haven't really thought of that. I knew that you were going to be incapacitated but I didn't really think of what that would mean for you. I suppose that even though we make the meals and stuff, that you really don't feel like your…included…when Francie and Will and I are talking, because really, you aren't, we haven't thought about that. She makes the meal, and she might bring it in, they might stay a few minutes, but then they leave, and I help you eat. And are you going to look at me at all, are you listening or am I talking to the wall here?" she stopped and looked at him.
He tore his gaze away from the window and looked at her.
"Good, at least I know you're with me here…Look, I'm sorry, I didn't realize that…" she said whole-heartedly.
He looked at her, but didn't say anything.
"Am I making sense? Am I right? Will you please talk to me?" Sydney implored.
Vaughn's resolve broke at her tone, and he instantly felt bad. He looked down at the comforter and said quietly, "I'm sorry, I…just…I don't know Syd…I'm just in a mood, ok?"
"Well, why don't you talk to me, we can figure it out…you're allowed to have feelings Vaughn…you can be in any mood you want, I just want you to talk to me. If you're pissed or something, just tell me…"
"I'm not pissed…I'm just…I don't know…depressed? I don't know if that's the right word. It's not like I'm contemplating suicide in here or anything, I just…I'm extremely frustrated. All of what you said, that's true. I don't want to intrude, you know? I mean, you spend enough time alone with me as it is, I'd go nuts if I had to be with me that much, I am going nuts with myself. I can't do anything…and yeah, I mean, Will and Francie are really nice, but it's not like I really do anything with them. It's not like we can go out to dinner or something. I feel really bad that you have to be with me all the time…that you can't do stuff with your friends, that you can't go anywhere…I mean, Sydney you have to do everything for me – I don't even eat by myself…I don't think they'd really relish the idea of spending an entire meal with you helping me eat for Christ sake. I don't want you to end up resenting me in the end. So when I heard you talking with them, I didn't say anything, I figured it would be good for you if you spent some time away from me. I'm just being weird," he finished with a sigh, still staring at the comforter on the bed.
Sydney took a minute to process and then said, "Vaughn, I don't want you to feel bad about anything that's happened. None of this is your fault…look at me…" she said sternly, and he did. "NONE of this is your fault…I signed on for the long haul Vaughn. No one ever said this was going to be easy, and I'm learning here too…I don't always know what to do. I don't know if you want me to leave you alone or if I should stay. I don't want to be away from you and I'm not going to resent you. I love you…I know you're frustrated, but it'll get better once you can start to move around. Who knows, Tom might tell you that you can start moving around tomorrow. It's not like it a chore for me to come in here, I don't mind helping you with everything, anything…and Will and Francie aren't going to care about that stuff. They aren't like that…and all of us here have been a little lax with our support too. I do leave you alone an awful lot; I think that's partly why you sleep so much. I'm going to go out there and tell Will and Francie some stuff, and I want us all to start eating together. We can all come in here or we'll bring you out there, but as much effort as we're putting forth, we still need to work on some stuff. You've got to tell me what's going on though…I don't want you to get depressed in here…I mean, you're bound to have mood swings as we work through this, but I want to help and I can't help if I don't know what's going on with you…If I go out and talk to them, will you eat with us?"
Vaughn was silent, but then smiled slightly, "You're amazing, do you know that?"
Sydney smiled back, "Thanks, but I think you're the one who's amazing…"
"Why? All I did was get my ass kicked…"
"Vaughn! That's not true – you survived, that's amazing in itself."
"Yeah, but you saved me…it's a rather common thing around here…I'll try to talk to you more, ok?"
"Good."
"Will you tell me if I'm driving you insane?"
"You won't, but I will if you do."
"Ok, yeah, I'll eat with you…"
"Great." Sydney got up and left the bed, reached the doorway and turned around. She went back to the bed, and kissed Vaughn sweetly. Then she smiled and walked out as he watched her go.
