P/N: Late I know, but happy Thanksgiving.
Chapter 40: The Night Before
"Sweet Helen, make me immortal with a kiss! Her lips suck forth my soul: see, where it flies!" – Christopher Marlowe
"Life is made up of sobs, sniffles, and smiles, with sniffles predominating." – O. Henry, Gift of the Magi
"Rich the treasure,
Sweet the pleasure,–
Sweet is the pleasure after the pain." – Dryden, Alexander's Feast
"But how to gain rebirth? You answered – Fight!" – Mirzda Kempe
"Was it a vision or a waking dream? Fled is that music:–do I wake or sleep?" – John Keats
Sydney got Vaughn back on the oxygen after they returned to the bedroom and brought him his last pain medication for the night. She then changed her clothes and brushed her teeth, and came back to help him brush his. He was starting to do some of those things on his own, but since he was left-handed, some of it was still awkward. She found though, that it was better to let him struggle for a minute and ask for help, than to give it outright. That way she wasn't really doing everything for him anymore, and she was surprised at how resourceful he got when it was something particularly difficult. She had been most impressed when earlier in the day he had managed to shave himself after she put the shaving cream on. She was proud of him, and when she came back in, she had to tell him.
"You know Vaughn, I know how hard this is for you, and I know you get frustrated, but just look at how far you've come in the last few days. You shaved yourself this morning, you're really very resourceful when you want to get something done and you want to do it yourself…I'm proud of you."
He beamed back up at her with a slight blush, and she was rewarded with the second appearance of Mr. Vaughn's dimples. She flashed her own and leaned down to kiss him.
"Yeah, I was kind of impressed myself with the shaving…although I kind of liked it when you did it. I hate to do it anyway, but it was a nice feeling of accomplishment."
"Well, when Tom comes tomorrow, hopefully he'll let you off of the bed rest, and then we can get you moving around."
"Yeah…" he was quiet then, and she sensed there was something else on his mind.
"You wanna talk about what you were thinking about before?"
He smiled at her. "I thought a lot today about Tom coming…I'm…well, I'm scared," he said letting a breath out.
"Why? He's your friend, he's not going to hurt you."
"No, I'm scared because I don't want him to tell me that I'm not making any progress and that I have to either stay in bed some more or go back to the hospital."
"Vaughn, he's not going to do that…"
"Yeah, well…you never know…"
"No, I do know, because I sit here and see the progress…" she waited a minute and then added,
"Was that all you were thinking about?"
He smiled a knowing smile, "No…"
"What else?" she asked.
"I thought a lot about what happened to me…about Sloane…I suppose that's another reason why I was in such a great mood," he said with a sad smile, as he leaned his head back against the pillow. Sydney noticed he looked really tired.
"What were you thinking about…what they did to you?"
"Yeah…"
"Wanna tell me?"
He smiled, "I'm not sure you really want to hear it…all of it…"
"Vaughn, I want to hear it…I've heard plenty and I haven't broken down or anything, have I?"
"No…"
"Ok, then tell me…"
He thought a moment on how to start, "They've taken something from me…"
She waited for more, but it didn't come, "What do you mean? Taken what?"
"They took me away from you, took you away…"
"Almost took your life too…" Sydney added shuddering.
"Yeah…but what they took was worse…they stole my soul for awhile. A person can only take so much of that kind of torture before you stop caring. Towards the end, I really couldn't have cared less if they'd kill me, you can only take so much. They took my courage, my pride, my life…it's like I have this shadow that's following me, and I can't get rid of it no matter how much I try. My shadow, the one that I had before, it's gone. If I stood in the sunlight, I wouldn't have one…they replaced it with this darkness that I can't shake. Sometimes, if I'm alone, it's like I'm not here…it's hard to tell if any of this is real. After so much pain and so much time where it was all about pain, it's like I'm not alive if I'm not in pain. The medication takes the pain away, but it's also like I'm gone…if I can feel the pain, then I know it's real."
Sydney stared at the man in front of her, the man that she loved, and was afraid…afraid that they had done something that she couldn't repair. It took her a minute to realize that he had stopped talking.
"Michael," she began and he looked at her surprised, "I've been in the dark a lot. I was in the dark my whole childhood, I was in the dark when I worked at SD-6, I was in the dark when they murdered Danny, I was in the dark when I started this whole double life. I've been in different shades of darkness my whole life. Do you want to know what brought me out of the darkness? What made me step back into the light?"
He nodded.
"You did…You were my light. You brought the world back into color. You gave me a reason to fight, and you never let me linger in the darkness too long before you pulled me out. You are the reason that I am here today. Shadows are going to follow us no matter where we go, no matter what we do. I'll always carry those shadows with me, but they are the past, and you are my future. Light is my future…I know what's it's like to think that pain is the only thing that keeps you tied to the world, that keeps you going, I've been there…but believe me, not being is pain is much better, because when you're not in pain, then you can enjoy living. And I want you to enjoy living with me Michael."
"You just called me 'Michael' twice in the span of less than five minutes…"
"I know," she said smiling, "I knew it would get your attention."
He smiled back at her, "Yes it did…I'm your light, huh?"
"Yes, you are…will you let me be yours?"
"Sydney, you already are…I love you."
"I love you too…don't ever stop talking to me about his kind of stuff, ok? I want you to feel like you can tell me everything…I may not always have an answer, but I'll always listen…"
"I know…and I do…I would never tell anyone else that stuff…not even Barnett…one sentence like that and I'm sure she'd have me off agent status in a second."
"I wouldn't be so sure, this is all part of the process Vaughn."
"I like it when you call me Michael…"
"I know," she said and leaned down to kiss him. After they kissed for a few minutes, she pulled him into a fierce, yet comforting hug. He let her relax him, letting the shadows dissipate into the abyss. She always saved him, always pulled him out before he drown beneath the wave. God, he loved her.
