Chapter 70: Alone With Thoughts

"The rung of a ladder was never meant to rest upon, but only to hold a man's foot long enough to enable him to put the other somewhat higher." – Thomas Henry Huxley

"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world." – Buddha

"Thinking: The talking of the soul with itself." – Plato


Sydney made her way to the pool, deciding just to stay in her workout clothes. She smiled as she thought of Cade; such a nice guy.

He's been there at the gym since the first time she'd walked through the door, and he'd been her first friend at the gym too. He'd shown her around and helped her design a workout regiment for her to follow. That was of course his job, but Cade always had a knack for helping her with personal problems too. Over time, he'd been a trainer and a friend, and he never asked for anything in return. She always smiled when she thought of Cade; he wasn't what anyone would think of by looks alone as a personal trainer. He wasn't large by any means, 5'9" at best and from outward appearances, he seemed small and unmuscular. But he was strong and well built and his strength was speed. He was fast; and Sydney had seen him down men twice his size, knocking them on their asses in seconds. He was about 30, with sandy brown hair and hazel eyes and Sydney had always thought he was "cute." He wasn't hugely handsome, but attractive in a cute way, and his personality added so much.

Sydney thought at first he was so nice because he'd had a crush on her, but he'd been happily married for several years and she soon found out that he was just that nice.

Her last thought before plunging into the cool, refreshing water was Cade and what a great person he was.

Sydney was on about lap six when other thoughts began creeping in. She thought about her behavior earlier with the punching bag; even Cade had noticed the change – so much so that he'd made her stop punching.

She hadn't realized how angry Vaughn's whole ordeal made her. She'd rarely thought about it when she was alone with Vaughn, because most of the time she was completely focused on his care…and needs, she thought devilishly. She'd been angry when she first found out it was Sloane who did it, but once again, her energy had been focused on locating Vaughn and not with Sloane himself.

Vaughn never seemed to be angry…was something wrong with her? Was it bad to harbor that much hatred for that man? Were her actions earlier warranted? Was Vaughn just really good at hiding his anger?

The more she thought, the more distressed he became. She finished lap 20 and got out, walking back to the locker rooms and showers.

She entered and undressed and spent a long time in the shower, getting rid of all the sweat and tension and trying to ease the muscles that had been worked during her routine. She also wanted to wash away the thoughts that kept creeping into her mind. She let the warm water run over her head, trying to think of something else.

She got out, dressed again, running the comb through her hair and glanced at the clock on the wall as she passed by the receptionist on her way out.

It was about 1:30…

She got in the car and started it and took a deep breath. Mmm…she thought…smells like Vaughn…

She was just about to back out when she said out loud, "Oh shit! Vaughn!"

She had herself worked into quiet a frenzy until she remembered that Vaughn was at home, surely safe and sound with his mother. She had the phone in her hand, poised to call, but put it down.

They both had to be able to be apart.

She took a few minutes to relax, trying to occupy her mind with thoughts of eating lunch and what she should do for the rest of the afternoon.

She pulled out, and started on her way. It was far too late to call anyone like Will or Francie to meet them for lunch; they'd surely had lunch hours ago. 'I could always go to Francie's restaurant,' she thought, but then decided against that.

She drove past a few fast food restaurants as well, but she'd just exercised, fast food – not a good choice.

She finally drove up to the new bagel shop that just moved in a couple miles from the gym. She'd give that a try, she thought.

She was pleasantly surprised, it was a wonderful establishment and she enjoyed a nice lunch.

After lunch she was once again faced with the question of what to do next. She felt guilty again – she'd just had a nice workout and lunch, and Vaughn was at home. While she was free to go wherever she wished, he had to stay. While the level of freedom was certainly pleasurably liberating, she wished he could be liberated with her.

She tried to push those thought out of her already overloaded mind as she got back in the car and started to drive again.

She drove around aimlessly for awhile and then pulled into the mall parking lot. She went into a few shops, browsing, but didn't find anything. She wasn't really whole-heartedly shopping though either.

She passed the coffee outlet on the corner of one of the wings of the mall and smiled, remembering the many enjoyable cups of coffee she and Vaughn had shared there.

Once again, she was moved with guilt, thinking of him at home, on the couch. It would be at least weeks before he could join her.

She passed the shop and continued down the next wing, going in to the book store, but only found more things that reminded her of Vaughn – the tour guide to France, hockey's best tips, the woman's guide to relationships…

She sighed and walked back out, almost passing a men's clothing store, as it too reminded her of Vaughn. Something in the store window stopped her though. The mannequin was wearing a short sleeve, teal green button up shirt with a while tee shirt underneath, and light blue jeans. 'That would look positively yummy on Vaughn,' she thought and went into the store rather happily.

'Maybe if I focus on all the things we'll do later, I won't feel so guilty,' she thought, 'or I could just spend a huge amount of money on him and then make that compensation,' she smiled.

The store clerk was only so happy to help her once she knew Sydney was purchasing the clothes for her boyfriend who was laid up at home. By the time Sydney left the store with several bags, she wasn't sure which one of them was dating Vaughn, her or the store clerk. She felt extremely lighter as she walked down the hall after that shop.

She made one more stop in another shop before leaving, smiling as she walked out with a smaller pink bag. 'That's for Vaughn too,' she thought naughtily.

She walked out with her purchases, put them in the car and then got in and started off again.

She'd been to the gym and the mall, now where? She needed to stop at the grocery store, but that would have to be her last stop before going home so the cold things stayed that way.

She still had a few hours to kill and before she knew it, the car was idling in front of the CIA headquarters. She pulled into the underground parking and passed the guards and security clearances.

Once inside the Operations Center, she smiled, nothing had changed – people were milling about, working on projects and assignments as usual.

She spotted her father talking to another agent and when he saw her, he looked both happy and concerned all at the same time. He rushed right over to her, leaving the other agent confused looking after him.

"Sydney?" he asked, "Is everything alright? Did you need something? Who's with Vaughn? Is he in trouble?"

She smiled at the string of questions, letting him finish, "I'm fine…Vaughn's fine… Amélie is with him, she pretty much kicked me out…I really went everywhere else I could think of, so I came her to see what's been going on."

"Oh…of course," Jack said, smiling relieved.

"Have their been any leads?"

"To Sloane?"

"Yes."

"Not of late – he seems to be lying low."

"What are we doing to find him?"

Kendall chose that moment to make his presence known, "Agent Bristow…what brings you here?"

Sydney tried to suppress the anger that was threatening to rise over his tone of voice, "I just stopped by to see what's been going on…see if there were any leads or anything."

"Aren't you on a leave of absence?"

Sydney looked at him directly, "I was unaware that agents on leave weren't welcome in the Ops Center."

Kendall tried to decide how he was going to handle a response to that, but Jack stepped in and spoke up first, "Sydney, I have that work we discussed, it's just in my office, if you'd like to accompany me and get it."

Sydney was about to say something more to Kendall but Jack grabbed her elbow and led her away.

"It may not be wise to speak to the Assistant Director that way Sydney. He was the one who allowed the leave of absence in the first place."

"You said you took care of that yourself," Sydney said astonished.

"I did, but Kendall had to sign off on it."

Sydney didn't know what to say, "I'm sorry, I'll go apologize…it's been a strange day…"

"No, there's no need, I'll explain it to him," he turned towards his desk, "I do have the work if you want it."

"Yeah, sure," Sydney said taking the pile of files he was handing to her.

"It's not the most interesting work, but it'll keep you busy – lots of research and analysis, but I'm sure Vaughn can help too. It'll help make the time go by at least."

"Thanks dad," she said.

"Will can go over what needs to be done with the files."

"Will?" Sydney asked.

"Yes, he came up with the project."

Sydney smiled, "I'll have to go ask him…"

"Of course, I'll be out with Agent Anderson if you need me…"

"Ok, dad…" she smiled and gave him a kiss on the cheek as she exited his office. He followed a minute later, picking up with Agent Anderson where he left off.