Chapter 82: The Unattainable Angle

"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown." – Woody Allen

"When a friend is in trouble, don't annoy him by asking if there is any thing you can do. Think up something appropriate and do it." – Edgar Watson Howe

"One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love." – Sophocles


After the hug, Sydney wanted to get Vaughn settled.

"Ok, Tom said you should try to lay at a different angle…so the pressure stays off of that wound…"

"Yeah…"

She looked to Will, "Can you stay a minute? In case I need help moving him?"

"Yeah, of course," Will said. Francie and he backed up to give her room to maneuver Vaughn.

"Ok…let's try…" she looked at him, "let's try having you lay on your left side first."

He nodded wearily and she moved to help him. She pushed the covers down so they wouldn't get tangled in his legs and grabbed onto his right arm so he could have some leverage to move. He wound up lying on his left side largely by himself, but Sydney still had his arm, so not all of his weight was on his side yet.

She gave him a look, asking for permission to let go and when she got it, she tried to let him down as slowly as possible. As soon as she let go completely, his eyes shut tightly and his face contorted in a grimace.

"Ahh…" he groaned as pain shot through him, "sh…shoulder…" he got out.

Sydney instantly grabbed his arm again, relieving some of the pressure on his shoulder.

"Ok…not a good angle," she said, helping him into the sitting position again.

Will and Francie exchanged worried glances, but held their tongues.

"Right side?" Sydney asked cautiously.

He nodded again wearily and reclined more on the bed, hissing in a moment of pain when he pressed his infected back into the bed too hard. Sydney's eyes filled with concern, but she realized it was his back and grabbed his arm again, tilting him upward so his back would avoid contact with the bed. She then helped him get on his right side. He winced again as a different kind of pain radiated from his side and chest, "Ah God…" he moaned. Sydney was there again instantly, helping him to the upright position.

She looked down at him, worry again evident as she watched him struggling.

He was slightly out of breath and she could tell that the pain medication was not helping the situation much, because agony was written all over his face. A light sheen of sweat had broken out on his forehead, and she realized that he was overexerting himself here. She reached for the washcloth and went to the bathroom, rinsing it off and then came back to wipe his face off. His cheeks were flushed and he breathed a sigh of relief when the cool material soothed his hot skin. She took extra time trying to soothe him, running the cloth over and over his face, trying to erase or at least alleviate some of his discomfort.

His breathing was still labored and when he finally looked over at her, she could see that this was taking its toll. It was no wonder he slept so much, when simple movement still caused him this much pain. He looked tired and fed up with the whole ordeal; she could tell this was going to be one of those frustrating moments for him.

She cupped his chin, and made him look at her, "Hey…just go easy on yourself, ok? Let's not get discouraged…we'll try something else…"

He nodded, but didn't respond.

"Ok…let's strategize…" she started, thinking, "we've tried both sides, and those are out…back is also out for now…our other options are stomach and…well…sitting up…but that's not going to be very comfortable."

He looked at her fatigued, but he didn't make any suggestions or alternatives.

"Stomach?" she asked quietly, "You wanna try that one yet?"

He nodded.

"How should we do this? What side do you want to turn on to get to your stomach?"

He debated a moment, before saying, "I guess…right…"

"Ok," she said moving to grab his arm and ease him onto his side. He reacted similarly, groaning and in obvious pain over being on his side. She reached around him and tried to be as gentle as possible when she grabbed his sides to flip him on his stomach. She eased him down on the bed, his head turned to the side, facing left, away from Will and Francie.

He pushed his head up using his forehead and changed the direction of his face, but that didn't help. He moaned again pushing his head up again and finally wound up pressing his forehead into the pillow in agony.

Sydney moved once again, "Vaughn…oh honey…" she said turning him over and cradling his head in her arms.

"That one's no good either, huh?" she asked in a soothing voice.

He shook his head fervently, and she noticed that his breathing was really labored.

He confirmed that with rasping out, "Can't…breathe…"

"Ok," she said, "It's ok…" she rubbed her hand gently up and down his chest, "we'll figure something else out."

He relaxed into her arms, just happy that he wasn't in pain at the moment, and savoring the comfort that Sydney provided.

Once he was calmed down, she prodded, "We should really try another way Vaughn."

She eased him upright again and sat back, trying to figure something out.

"Well…why don't we…" but she trailed off.

He sighed annoyingly, "Just forget it Syd…just leave me here…"

"That won't be very comfortable…"

"Well, I'm not comfortable anyway…so what does it matter?"

She sighed, realizing that he might have reached his limit for the night.

"Vaughn," she started.

"Don't," he stated flatly.

Sydney looked to Will and Francie who had been watching the whole scene, feeling the agony of the couple, but unable to help.

They looked unsurely between themselves and Sydney and didn't know what to do.

"Maybe we should just let you guys work this out," Will said, and he and Francie walked out quietly.

"What was that about?" Sydney asked, trying to keep her voice even.

"It's just pointless…it doesn't matter…I should just lie on my back and be done with it," he said huffily.

"Vaughn, you know you can't…it'll just wind up making the infection worse…"

"What does it matter?"

"How can you say that?" she asked, her voice rising slightly.

"You know what?" he said, "It's a whole hellava lot different from where I'm sitting here Syd. It's real easy for you to tell me it's gonna be alright and that I shouldn't get discouraged, and Tom can tell me all he wants not to get discouraged, but that's a bunch of crap. That's all it is…crap! It's easy to tell someone not to be discouraged when they can go and do all the s they want to, when sitting up doesn't make them feel like s. Don't get frustrated? I can't even get up to go to the bathroom by myself! I can't make love to you, I can't do ANYTHING! What the f am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to feel? Everyone tells me I can feel any way I want, well, then I'm gonna feel discouraged and frustrated goddamnit! I don't really care if the infection gets worse, it's not like I'm not gonna be in pain if it's not infected…pain's all I know anyway…why shouldn't I embrace it! At least I'd be able to breathe and have a semblance of relief, but NO! we gotta f with that too!" He stopped, breathing heavily and looking extremely fatigued, his head plopping back against the pillow, letting out a deep breath.

Sydney stood in a state of surprise at his outburst. He was normally so controlled, and she had a flash of the story his mother had told her about pee-wee hockey…he'd just exploded now…this must have been bottling up for a while now, she thought.

"Vaughn…" she started again, but he looked up at her and the look in his eyes dared her to say something more. She decided that the less said, the better at the moment.

She also realized that she was rather angry with him, "You know what Vaughn? I sit here every day too…I see what you go through…and while I don't have a first-hand account of what goes on in your mind or I don't experience your pain first-hand, I'm still here…I'm only trying to help…" she said and then walked out of the room.

Vaughn watched her go and felt instantly horrible. He breathed deeply for a minute, trying to get his breathing back to a normal level. He wanted to call out to her, to make her come back, but he was too tired to do anything else but rest at the moment.

He lay quietly, thinking, and before he knew it, his head was starting to drop. His eyelids fluttered closed and his head fell slightly forward, slowly falling further until his chin almost rested on his chest.

Sydney stormed out of the room and she stalked into the kitchen looking for a glass of water.
Francie and Will looked at her uncertainly from the living room. She grabbed her glass and plopped herself into a chair next to the couch where they were sitting.

"You ok?" Francie asked.

"Yeah…" Sydney said smiling.

"What was that all about?" Will asked.

"He's just frustrated…I'm surprised he hasn't done that before…I think it's been coming for a while now."

"Is he ok?" Francie asked.

"I think so…"

"Is he awake?" she asked as well.

"What I walked out he was…"

Francie looked at her strangely, "You left him alone?"

"Yeah…he was being obstinate…I had to get out of there for a minute…"

Neither Will nor Francie commented.

"You think that was mean…" Sydney said, but it wasn't a question.

"No," Francie said, "it's just…well…he's been through so much…I mean I'd be a hellava lot more pissed off that he is…seems pretty natural to get angry like that…"

"So I should have stayed to have him yell at me some more?"

"If that's what he needed…"

"Why do I have to be the one he needs to yell at?" she said but instantly regretted it.

Will fielded that one, "Syd…come on…you're like the only one he talks to. What is he gonna blow up at me and Fran? I think the better question is, why are you taking it as a personal attack? He was just venting I think."

"You know what Will, you go in there and he can yell at you and then we can have this conversation."

Will remained calm, "He's not yelling at YOU Sydney…he just had something he needed to say…he's gonna feel like s now when you go in there…"

"If I go in there…" God she hated that way that sounded, what was wrong with her? Where was this coming from? "Look guys…I'm sorry…I…don't know where this is coming from. I know all that stuff you just told me…I know…it's just…difficult…"

"You don't need to apologize to us Sydney," Will said, "that's what we're here for – to tell you when you're being stupid." He smiled.

"Gee thanks guys…" she smiled back, "But really…thanks…"

"No prob." Will said.

"Anytime," Francie echoed.

She got up from the chair and went off to talk to Vaughn.

She came into the room saying, "Look Vaughn…I'm sorry I–" but she stopped, seeing that he was lying down. She smiled; he must have fallen asleep. Strange, she thought, he's not on the pillow…and he's curled on his side…the left side…the one that hurts to lie on…something was wrong.

"Vaughn!" she shouted, running over to the bed.