Chapter 103: Barnett's Barrage, Part One
"In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time." – Edward P. Tryon
"The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven." – John Milton
Sydney opened the door and smiled at Barnett on the other side.
"Hello Sydney," she said pleasantly.
"Hi Dr. Barnett," Sydney responded, moving out of the doorway.
Barnett stepped in, "How are you doing?"
"I'm fine...yourself?"
"I'm good..."
"Vaughn's in the bedroom," Sydney motioned towards it.
Barnett smiled and started to walk to the bedroom, Sydney in tow.
Vaughn managed a smile for Barnett as she walked in, "Hi," he said quietly.
"Hello Michael," she said as she sat down in the chair next to the bed.
Vaughn looked over at Sydney and then back to Barnett, "Sydney can't stay today, can she?" he asked in his little boy voice.
"No Michael, she can't stay..."
He nodded. Sydney smiled sadly at him, her heart breaking for him. She approached he bed and kissed him, whispering in his ear, "I'll be right outside if you need me..."
He smiled weakly and kissed her back.
Sydney got up, smiled at Dr. Barnett and went to the door. She took one last glance at Vaughn, blowing him another kiss and shut the door behind her.
She leaned against the wall after she closed the door, her own eyes closing as she imagined how scared he must be. She sighed because there was nothing she could do at the moment to help him through this. She moved away from the door slowly, into the living room. She tried to watch TV, then read, but she gave up. She was too nervous about what might be occurring in the next room to concentrate on anything else. So she did the only thing she could do...wait...
The bedroom door shutting brought on a familiar feeling of dread to Vaughn. It was like they had just closed the door to the cell again, the torture was about to begin. He, of course, didn't voice that thought, but he was absolutely terrified. His lifeline was not in the room, and he had no clue how he was going to do this without her.
Barnett recognized the signs of distress straight off. Tension and anxiety were pouring off of him in waves. She tried her most calming smile, "Just relax Michael...ok?"
He nodded, but it was futile. Nothing she could say would make him less apprehensive.
"How are you feeling today Michael?"
"Fine..." he said.
She smiled, "Have you had any setbacks lately?"
"Setbacks?"
"Yes, Michael, setbacks..."
"Physically?"
"Or otherwise..."
"Well...yeah...couple nights ago was bad..."
"What happened?"
"Just lots of pain..."
"From what?"
He shrugged his shoulders, "Tom said it could have been a lot of things...I don't know, you'd have to ask Syd, I was out of it..."
"Tom? That's Dr. Tom Barker, right?"
"Yeah..."
"Out of it? What do you mean by that?"
"It hurt...eventually they sedated me...I passed out."
Barnett made a note on her note pad; Vaughn really hated that thing already.
"So Dr. Barker came over to help?"
"Yeah...I...yeah..." Vaughn said.
"Does he do that often?"
"Well...he checks up on me once a week...otherwise he comes over if there's something wrong..."
"Something wrong?"
"Setback or whatever..."
"I see...so does he come over when Sydney isn't able to handle the situation?"
Vaughn turned to her, "Excuse me?" he asked in a not too friendly tone.
"Dr. Barker – does he come over when the situation gets too intense for Sydney to handle?"
"He comes over when he needs to...it has nothing to do with Sydney's 'capabilities.'"
"How does Sydney handle your setbacks?"
"She handles them very well...I was bleeding...and in pain...so she called Tom..."
"I see...otherwise, how does Sydney handle problems?"
"What do you mean?"
"How do you think Sydney handles your care here?"
"She does a great job," Vaughn said proudly, "She takes wonderful care of me."
"Does she ever get stressed out do you think?"
"Well...sure...I'm sure she does..."
"How do you think she's handling the stress?"
"Fine..." Vaughn eyed her apprehensively, "Why are you asking me this?"
"Do you think she's capable of handling more setbacks if you have them?"
"Of course, why wouldn't she be?"
Barnett took a few notes.
"Damnit, would you stop writing and tell me what the hell you're trying to get at here? I mean...Sydney takes great care of me...she's wonderful, I couldn't ask for anyone better..." he stopped, looking away, "She means everything..." he said quietly.
"That's scary, isn't it?"
"What?"
"When one person means so much..."
Vaughn was silent.
"How about your nightmares? How have they been lately?"
"Fine..."
"Do you have them often?"
"Not really...not anymore..."
"Why is that do you think?"
"I guess some of it is just because I've been kind of exhausted. I don't think I dream much...I had one nice one a while ago...after my other setback..."
"Other setback?"
"Yeah – the one Sydney told you about..."
"Ok...what was the dream? The nice one?"
Vaughn looked at her quickly and then looked away, blushing slightly, "Me and Sydney..."
"How was it different?"
He shifted uncomfortably on the bed, "Uh...no torture..."
"Is that what the nightmares are always about?"
"Yup."
"How does Sydney deal with your nightmares?"
Vaughn shifted uncomfortably some more, "Um...we talk...and...other...stuff..." he trailed off finding a really interesting piece of the comforter to look at.
"It's ok to tell me Michael, I'm sure I've heard it before..."
Vaughn looked in her direction, smiling slightly, "Uh...she holds me and stuff like that..."
"Can I ask you a personal question?"
"Isn't that what you've been doing for the past half hour?" Vaughn asked smiling.
"Well...yes..."
"Yeah, you can..."
"You don't have to answer it, ok?"
"Yeah."
"Does Sydney make love to you when you have a nightmare?"
Vaughn reddened even further, "I don't think I'm comfortable discussing my sex life with you Dr. Barnett...I'm not really even comfortable discussing my other stuff..."
"I'll take that as a yes...it's ok Michael...sexual expression is a wonderful healing tool..."
Vaughn looked over at her, "Really?"
"Of course...there is no way you can feel dehumanized during intercourse...unless it were a rape situation...you may feel vulnerable, but you can't feel degradation...not with your situation with Sydney. Patients who have Post Traumatic Stress tend to have abnormal levels of key hormones that are involved in responses to stress. Those levels carry over after the ordeal, and that can lead to the blunted emotions that are associated with the condition. The endorphins produced during intercourse bring happiness, they alleviate pain, they elevate moods...plus, you're connecting intimately with the person that makes you feel the most safe..."
"Sydney is safety..."
Barnett smiled, "I can tell..."
Vaughn smiled, "She's amazing...I've never felt as safe with anyone before...nothing can hurt me when I'm with her...ins–" he stopped, catching himself.
Barnett was smiling; it didn't take a rocket scientist or a psychiatrist to figure out what he was about to say.
"Sounds like Sydney takes good care of you then..."
"Yeah she does..."
Barnett didn't ask anything else, and Vaughn found himself thinking about Sydney during the silence...Before he knew it, he said, "we were on the couch one night...and I was looking at the fire...it reminded me of...well...it reminded me...and Sydney was sleeping..." he smiled, "when she woke up she was wondering what the hell was the matter with me cause I was like deathly afraid of the fireplace..." he smirked, "but...I'm not afraid of the fire anymore..."
"Why?" Barnett asked quietly.
"She made me forget...I don't think about burns anymore...I think about her..."
"What did she do?"
"She made lo–" he stopped suddenly very uncomfortable. He looked over at Barnett who was looking at him quizzically. He shifted uncomfortably in the bed.
"Why did that help?"
"Honestly...it's really hard to think of torture when all you can see is Sydney..."
Barnett smiled, "I think that's enough for today Michael...this has been very productive..." she said getting up, "I'll see you on Wednesday, take care..."
"Ok...thanks..." he said quietly.
Sydney got up as Barnett walked out of the bedroom.
"I'll see you Wednesday Sydney..."
"Ok," Sydney said, unsure of what to say. She let Barnett out and then went back to Vaughn.
"You ok?" she asked, sitting concernedly on the bed.
"Yeah...actually..." he smiled.
"So it wasn't so bad?" she asked.
"No...we mostly talked about you..."
"Me?"
"Yeah – you and how wonderful you are..."
"Aww...Vaughn," she said kissing him, "Maybe this won't be so bad then honey..."
He shrugged his shoulders.
"That took longer than the last one..." Sydney said, "I was kinda worried..."
Vaughn smiled, "I'd yell if she was killing me..."
Sydney smiled back, "Yeah...well...you'd put up a fight – I'd hear her strangling you or something."
"Right..."
She kissed him, "You wanna talk about it?"
"Not really...not right now...I think I need to..." he stopped, thinking, "process?"
"Sure honey...I'll leave you alone for a while..." she said making a move to leave.
"Can you stay actually?"
She looked back at him and cocked her head to the side, "Sure...you sure you're ok?" she asked as she came back and sat down next to him.
"Yeah...I can process with you here..." he said quietly, reaching for her hand as she sat.
Once she was sitting, he pulled on her hand until she got the idea; he wanted her to hold him. She was getting rather worried by his actions, but she complied, pulling him into her arms as he settled into her. She started playing with his hair, making him settle into her further and sigh in relief.
"You like when I do that, don't you?" she asked softly.
He nodded, but he didn't say anything.
Sydney was quiet then, just holding him as he thought. If she looked down, she could see him thinking; his body still, regulated breathing, but his eyes moving continuously, roving over the room, thoughts battling in his head.
"You don't..." he started, but stopped.
"What honey?" she asked.
"Do you feel overwhelmed?" he asked, his eyes still continuing to move around the room.
She stopped playing with his hair, and waited until he strained to look at her. She moved him off of her and moved so she could look him in the eyes.
"No Vaughn, I don't feel overwhelmed...why do you ask?"
He shrugged his shoulders, looking down.
"Vaughn," she said, moving his chin to look at her, "Did Barnett say that I'm overwhelmed?"
He shrugged again, "Maybe you are..."
"I'm not," she said firmly.
He smiled slowly, "Ok..."
She looked him hard in the eyes again, "I'm not." She looked at him until she knew that he had gotten the seriousness of her statement.
"You'd tell me if you were, right?"
"Yes, but I'm not," she said one more time for emphasis.
"Ok," he said.
She looked at him strangely, knowing full well that he didn't seem to believe her, but she didn't know what else to say to convince him.
