Chapter 112: Barnett's Barrage, Part Two
"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me." – Woody Allen
"When we hate our enemies, we are giving them power over us: power over our sleep, our appetites, our blood pressure, our health, and our happiness. Our enemies would dance with joy if only they knew how they were worrying us, lacerating us, and getting even with us! Our hate is not hurting them at all, but our hate is turning our own days and nights into a hellish turmoil." – Dale Carnegie
"We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered." – Tom Stoppard
"Hello Sydney," Barnett said as she entered.
"Hi Dr. Barnett," Sydney answered.
"Is Michael in the bedroom?"
"Yes he is..." Sydney said motioning for her to follow.
"Hello Michael...how are you doing today?" Barnett said as she entered the bedroom.
"I'm ok...not too bad..."
"I'll leave you guys to it..." Sydney said, smiling at Vaughn and closing the door softly.
"How's the week been going Michael? Any setbacks since I last saw you?" Barnett inquired as she sat down in the chair next to the bed.
"Not yet..."
"Excellent...I want to talk a little bit about Dr. Barker to start off today..."
"What about him?" Vaughn asked confused.
"He's your friend as well as your doctor, correct?"
"Yeah...we went to college together...Why?"
"Do you think that he allows his friendship to cloud his judgment where you are concerned; that maybe he's your friend first and then your doctor?"
"No, Tom is always very professional...he's a doctor first..."
"Mmmhmm...what about the other people in the house...Will and...Francie is it?" Barnett asked, looking at her notepad.
"Yeah..."
"How do they treat you?"
"Very well...they're very nice...they help out..."
"With what?"
"Meals...moving me around...problems..."
"Problems?"
"Like when I have a setback...they help out..."
"How do they handle that?"
"Quite well...I mean it's hard sometimes I'm sure for them..."
"How do you think they feel about you being here?"
Vaughn looked over at her, "I don't know...you'd have to ask them..."
"I'm asking how you think they feel..."
"I don't know...they seem to be ok with it...that I'm here..."
"You said they're very nice..."
"Yeah..."
"Perhaps they're just protecting you then..."
"Protecting me from what?"
"Maybe they really find it to be a hindrance – you presence – but they are too nice to say anything..."
Vaughn sat dumbfounded for a moment, "I guess...I guess I've never...that's not what they tell me..."
"Does it seem as though their relationship has changed since you've been here? More tenuous perhaps?"
"I...I don't think so...I mean...well..." he paused, "I had this dream yesterday, but that's all it was...they didn't actually..."
"What was the dream?"
"Well, I guess it's what you're suggesting, that they really find me...a hindrance..."
"Has your relationship with Sydney changed since this has happened?"
"Well...sure..."
"How so?"
"Well...I mean we spend a lot more time together...more than we did before..."
"Does that bother you?"
"No, not at all, I love being with her all the time."
"How do you think Sydney likes it?"
"She seems to...she tells me she does..."
"Tells you...perhaps she doesn't tell you when it bothers her then? Was she in the dream as well?"
"Well...I mean...she...there's going to be times when we get on each others nerves...but...and yes, she was in the dream..."
"How often do you think Sydney gets frustrated..."
"I don't know..."
"Weekly, daily, hourly?"
"I don't know...daily I guess..."
"How would you know she's frustrated?"
"Um...she'd tell me..."
"Would she?"
Vaughn looked at Barnett hard, "What are you saying she wouldn't tell me?"
"Why would she? Wouldn't that just make you upset to know she's frustrated?"
Vaughn looked down, brow furrowed, "I...I don't know..."
"Does she ever tell you she is?"
"Yeah...every once in awhile..."
"But you think she gets frustrated more than that..."
"I don't know...I guess so..."
"How often do you get frustrated?"
"With Sydney? Never."
"No...yourself..."
"All the time..."
"Why?"
He sighed, and then took a deep breath, "I can't do anything..."
"What do you mean?"
"I can't move by myself, I can't walk, can't go anywhere, can't write, can't hold anything, hell, half the time I don't eat by myself...I don't bathe myself, I don't do anything for myself," he said quietly.
"That would be frustrating..."
He snorted, "Yeah, takes a shrink to tell me that..." he said sarcastically.
Barnett smiled, "So you must be angry a lot..."
"No...not really..."
"Why not? You just said you can't do anything for yourself...that would make me pretty angry..."
"There's nothing I can do about it."
"That's rather defeatist, don't you think?"
"I'm not defeated, I'm just realistic..."
"Do you think that's why Sydney gets frustrated? Because you have a 'realistic' attitude?"
"What the hell...I mean come on! How the hell am I supposed to answer that? I didn't say that I'm not angry ever...I just said I'm not angry all the time...what would I do if I was – I'd just make other people miserable."
"So you are angry then..."
"GOD! Of course I'm angry. For Christ's sake! I mean, do you think I like being in this bed all the time? People carting me all over shit when I wanna go somewhere? That I can't even fucking move by myself? Do you think it's easy not being able to go outside when you want to, to have to stay in the bed all day. Do you know how fucking frustrating it is that your girlfriend has to do everything for you? And that's not even scratching the surface! Constant pain, muscle spasms, fucking infected wounds – yeah those are a treat. Spontaneously bleeding wounds, ENDLESS setbacks – how the fuck am I not supposed to be frustrated? Nightmares and shit, have you ever cried because it hurt so much? Think about it...how would you like daily, everyday things to remind you of torture? Huh? Would that make you a very happy person? Your fucking girlfriend has to do everything, she's crying cause she can't do shit for you and she somehow thinks that's her fault. Her fucking friends are like standing there, scared shitless and calling the doctors. Even the fucking doctors – every time Tom comes over here I worry that he's gonna make me go back to that godforsaken hospital. Everyone is SO nice...yeah...so fucking nice that they can go do whatever they want and they can say "Oh gee...poor Michael...rough night, just can't catch a break, well I'll see ya later!" Then they can go out and talk about how horrible it is, poor Michael, sitting there."
"Do you like them pitying you?"
"I don't want ANYONE'S pity!" Vaughn yelled.
"Well...you certainly seem to be embracing their words..."
"Hey fuck you! I am not pitying myself!" Vaughn said defensively. "You asked me a goddamn question and I'm answering it. You wanna know if I'm angry? You bet your ass I am...but ya know what? Who the fuck am I gonna take it out on? I've already made the mistake of blowing up at Sydney – the one person that cares the most about me. I won't do that to her...so who am I gonna yell at?" He looked around the room; "I don't see Sloane around here for me to get mad at. I don't see anyone that did this to me near here! I would like nothing better than to fucking torture Sloane the same way he did it to me, burning him with shit, whipping him, making him think shit that isn't real...only I'd be nicer at the end and I'd kill him. But there's nobody here for me to punch or anything...and ya know – even if there was, the sickest part of the whole fucking joke – I couldn't fucking do anything to them anyway! I could throw a mean dirty look that's about it!"
"So how to you release your anger then?" Barnett asked calmly, as if he hadn't just completely blown up at her.
"I don't."
"So what happens to it?"
"Nothing!"
"You just said – that you've yelled at Sydney – taken it out on her...if you don't let it out...what do you think will happen?"
Vaughn looked at her wildly, "Are you suggesting that I'd hurt Sydney?"
Barnett was silent. After a moment she said, "If you don't release the tension Michael...where will it go? Who will be here when it does?"
"I wouldn't do that..." Vaughn said strangely calm, "I would never hurt Sydney...I don't ever get that angry..."
Barnett could visibly see him trying to calm himself down, regulating his breathing, and struggling to control his emotions, "Well...then you must have an outlet..."
Vaughn was silent for a moment and then said, "You know on Monday...when you were talking about sex being an outlet..."
"Yes."
He looked over at her, "Do people really talk to you about this stuff?"
"All the time Michael..."
"Really?"
"Yes."
"They talk to you about their sex lives and stuff like that?"
"Think about your job Michael...think about Sydney's job...the nature of the job is one that plays on sexuality, it's just a job hazard, I guess you'd say. Think about undercover agents...what they have to do at times...I've heard it all Michael..."
Vaughn smiled faintly, "The only reason I'm not angry all the time is Sydney..."
"Sydney keeps you from getting angry?"
"It's easy to lose yourself in Sydney...and I take great pleasure in doing so..." he said with a smile.
"Sex with Sydney is your outlet?"
Vaughn was silent again and then said quietly, "The other day...we had a fight...I wanted to...make love...and she said no. Well, she didn't say no, she said later...but I, well, I took it the wrong way. I got mad...she never said no before. I depend on her being there...I depend on her keeping me grounded, and when she said no, I had no idea what to do...whenever I'm scared or hurt or frustrated, anything, she's there...and I'm ok again."
"What would happen if she wasn't there..." It was a question, but Barnett didn't make it sound as though it was.
"Yeah, exactly...that's all I thought about...I think I would be...much angrier..." he stopped, thinking, "but Sydney has every right to say no. It's just so confusing...I need her so much...but I have to be able to be ok alone..."
Barnett said nothing, letting him think.
"Even the sex sometimes...I love Sydney...the sex is, well it's always mind blowing."
"Very tension-releasing?" Barnett said with a small smile.
Vaughn blushed, "Yeah...it is...but even that gets frustrating..."
"Why?"
"Because she always has to do everything. She always says we're making love...but that's not really true. She's making love to me...I'm not making love to her...do you know what I mean?"
"I believe so...you're always...on the bottom?"
Vaughn smiled, "Right...which is fine, I'm not complaining in the least. She takes very good care of me, in all departments. She's so beautiful and sexy, I mean, maybe it shouldn't bother me..."
"Do you think this is a control issue?"
"What do you mean?"
"That you feel powerless because you're on the bottom?"
"Well, I mean...not that this is a huge ego inflator, but realistically, I'm pretty powerless. I mean, I help...but it's not like I'm..." he stopped trying to find the least embarrassing word, "well, I can't come up with anything besides 'thrusting.'"
Barnett smiled, "It's ok Michael...just say what's on your mind, ok?"
"Yeah...it's not about control...our sex life before that was never about control. We didn't fight for power in bed...we'd switch, you know...but now...there is no switching, I can't switch. And you know, in the beginning, I was just happy that she was there and she was willing to do that for me...but I mean, I would think it's pretty frustrating for her too. She likes control as much as the next woman, but I mean, I don't know..."
"You feel...inadequate?" Barnett said gently.
Vaughn sighed, "Well...yeah...I want to be able to fulfill her too..."
"Have you talked about this?"
"Yeah..."
"And what does Sydney say?"
"Well...what is she gonna say? Vaughn you suck in bed? She always tells me she...she's satisfied...I just..."
"You think maybe she's protecting you too? Perhaps the same way Francie and Will and maybe even Dr. Barker are?"
Vaughn was silent, looking at the comforter, "Maybe..." he said finally, faintly.
Barnett nodded, "I think that's good for today Michael...think about what we talked about today, ok? I'll see you on Friday then and we'll continue..."
"Ok," he said quietly, not looking at her.
Sydney heard the bedroom door open and she looked up as Barnett smiled and walked past her.
She had tried to do some work, but it was impossible; she couldn't concentrate when therapy was happening in the next room. She'd heard shouting at one point and actually moved to the door, ready to open it, but then the shouting lessened and she sat back down. It was more than slightly unnerving to hear shouts and not be able to go in there, not know what was happening.
"I'll see you Friday Sydney..." Barnett said as she let herself out.
"Ok," Sydney said, walking quickly back to the bedroom.
