Chapter 113: Justification

"Uncertainty will always be part of the taking charge process." – Harold Geneen

"Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear.
And I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer.
It's driven me before, and it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal.
But lately I'm beginning to find I should be the one behind the wheel.
Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there with open arms and open eyes. yeah.
Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there, I'll be there.
So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive? oh oh oooh.
It's driven me before and it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around.
But lately I'm beginning to find that when I drive myself my light is found.
Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there with open arms and open eyes. Yeah.
Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there, I'll be there...
Would you choose water over wine...hold the wheel and drive?
Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there with open arms and open eyes.
Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there I'll be there." – "Drive" – Incubus

"Maturity of mind is the capacity to endure uncertainty." – John Finley

"You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough." – Frank Crane


Vaughn looked deep in thought when Sydney bolted to the bedroom.

He smiled at her, but he didn't say anything. For lack of better words, she would have said he looked confused...like he was grappling with a topic too big for him to handle.

"You ok?" she asked quietly, "I was worried; there was some yelling..."

He smiled sheepishly, "I got angry..."

"Yeah...I could tell..." she said equally quiet, sitting down on the bed next to him, "What got you so angry?"

He shrugged his shoulders, "Just talking about stuff..."

"Like what?" she prodded gently, "Sloane?"

"Yeah...lots of stuff..."

He didn't offer anything more, and she didn't want to press.

"Do you want me to hold you again? While you process?"

He smiled, "Yeah, I'd like that..."

She smiled in return and moved to hold him. He snuggled into her embrace, sighing heavily. It was amazing how Sydney could change his whole world with just a simple touch. His chest had been tightening ever since he and Barnett had started their discussion, and it had gotten worse after he had yelled at Barnett. He'd rarely raised his voice since, since he couldn't even remember when, and his lungs didn't particularly care for that.

Sydney didn't miss much, and less when it came to Vaughn, and she noticed he seemed a little hoarse, "You want me to get some water or something? Tea maybe?"

He smiled, turning his head to look at her. Her gaze glowed with love as she smiled a dimpled smile at him. She touched his face, stroking lightly.

"Yeah...that'd be good..." he said, swallowing rather painfully.

"Ok," she said moving him back to the bed, "I'll be right back," she said as she went out.

She made the tea and brought the steaming cup back to him. She sat down carefully on the bed, and handed him the cup, "It's honey lemon...should help your throat..."

He sipped it, brow furrowing at the temperature, but it felt good on his sensitive throat. He pulled Sydney down again so she could hold him and she obliged happily, taking him into her arms and holding him while he drank his tea and thought.

"Do you think Will and Francie really want me here?" he asked suddenly, out of the blue.

"What?" Sydney asked turning him wildly. "Why would you ask something like that? Why are you asking me this again actually? I thought we were through this already."

He shrugged, "Just thinking...maybe...maybe they're just too nice to say anything..."

"Vaughn," she said shaking her head, "They don't feel that way..."

"How do you know?"

"Because they tell me...and look – last night you fell asleep on Will and he was fine with it..."

"Maybe they're just being nice to you too..."

"Vaughn..."

"Do you get mad at me?"

"What?" she said in an equally exasperated tone.

"Angry...do you get frustrated with me a lot? I mean...I can't imagine how much it must, just suck, to be here with me all the time when I can't do anything for myself..."

"Vaughn...I don't get it...where is all this coming from?"

"Just thinking..." he said again, looking down.

"Vaughn," she said, "I get frustrated...how could I not? But I'm never frustrated with YOU...it's just what happens to you...honey, I don't regret for a minute the time I'm spending with you..." she paused, thinking, "I don't get it Vaughn...why are you asking all of this now?"

He shrugged yet again.

"Vaughn, talk to me..."

"I was just thinking...that's all..." he said quietly.

"Just all of a sudden...you're thinking about this...again..."

He smiled slightly, "Barnett...well...we were just talking...just made me think...ya know...maybe...I don't know."

She made him look at her, "Is that why you were yelling?"

He didn't answer, but his non-answering was all the confirmation she needed.

"All of us, ALL OF US, want you here Vaughn. No one is mad at you...no one is 'just being nice.' We care about you...ok?"

He smiled, "It just...it gets confusing...all the cross-talking..."

Sydney stroked his cheek, "I'm sorry honey...I know..." she hesitated, "should I call Barnett? Maybe ask her...I don't know...why she's doing it?"

"No. No...I don't want you to do that..." he said quickly.

"Are you sure, cause I'd be glad to..."

"NO. Really...you don't need to call...I was just...thinking...really..."

"Ok, if you're sure..." Sydney said.

He nodded.

"Ok...why don't you rest...take a nap...rest your throat...you didn't get enough sleep last night..."

"Yeah, ok..." he said.

She smiled and kissed him and then moved to leave him.

"Syd?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you stay until I fall asleep?"

She smiled as she looked down at him, "Of course..."

She put the mug on the table and wrapped him in her arms tightly.

It didn't take long for him to fall asleep; he was exhausted. She stayed with him until she could tell by the familiar sounds of his deep breathing that he was in fact sleeping soundly. She gently moved out from in back of him and laid him on the bed, leaving him alone to rest.

Sydney's next stop was the living room. She picked up the phone immediately and dialed. The answering service picked up, "Dispatch."

"This is officer 2300844, may I speak with Dr. Barnett please?"

There was music and then, "Barnett..."

"Hi Dr. Barnett, this is Sydney Bristow."

"Hello Sydney...what can I do for you? Is Michael alright?"

"Yeah...I think so...I...well...this is probably going to sound very forward and perhaps out of line...but I wanted to know why exactly you're telling Vaughn things that aren't true?"

"What is it exactly that you think I'm lying about?"

"He's questioning an awful lot about me...about if I really want him here...if my friends want him at the house...and if I get frustrated with him. I imagine there's more...but that's all he's asked about so far..."

"Sydney, I'm simply trying to gain insight into how the torture has affected Michael's thought process. Rationality vs. Emotions..."

"And to do that, you're using me?" Sydney said with a lot of distaste.

"Sydney," Barnett stated calmly, "Michael has some very carefully placed walls that he's constructed as a result of his torture...and I've found that he only truly responds emotionally when we talk about you...in order to strip the walls he's placed, I need to use the thing that makes him the most emotional. Rationally, he understands that the things I'm talking about aren't true, but emotionally, he's very confused." She paused, "Does that make sense?"

"Yeah, it makes sense, but I don't have to like it..."

Barnett was silent; then said, "No, Sydney you don't have to like it..."

Sydney asked quietly, "What happens when you break the walls?"

"Well...once the walls are down, then he'll be more open and responsive to getting better, to getting past what happened to him. Instead of trying to resist it all, avoid it all, he'll be able to work through it. That's the real therapy..."

Sydney was quiet, thinking until Barnett brought her out of her thought, "Sydney...I'm sorry to have to say this...but I would like it if you weren't in the house for the next session."

"What? Why?" Sydney asked in a mix of anxiety and disbelief.

"I plan to be very aggressive with him...I think that's best...and I anticipate that we'll break though his walls...but it won't happen if you're there..."

"Why not? You're going to kick me out of my own house?"

"I'm asking you to leave for the session because if you're there, he won't respond effectively. He's extremely emotional about you, and protective, and if you're there, it will just make things more difficult."

"So, I'm just supposed to leave him alone with you?"

"Yes," Barnett said simply.

"I'll have to think about that..."

"There's no need to get defensive Sydney...if I'm going to help him, he has to let his walls down...and you can't be there when they fall..."

Sydney sighed, angry, confused, and defeated, "Ok," she said quietly, having really no other choice. "Thank you, Dr. Barnett..."

"You're welcome Sydney, call me if you have any other questions."

Sydney hung up feeling more apprehensive than she had in a long time. She could only imagine what it was going to be like for him to have his walls crumble. She went back to the bedroom to watch him sleep, peaceful in stature. She wondered how many sleepless nights would be ahead of him after the walls came tumbling down.