Chapter 116: Doubts Abound
"The deplorable mania of doubt exhausts me. I doubt about everything, even my doubts." – Gustave Flaubert
"Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt." – William Shakespeare
"Doubt comes in at the window when inquiry is denied at the door." – Benjamin Jowett
"Your words to me just a whisper / Your face is so unclear
I try to pay attention / Your words just disappear.
Oh, 'Cause it's always raining in my head
Oh, Forget all the things I should have said.
So I speak to you in riddles / 'Cause my words get in my way.
I smoke the whole thing to my head / And feel it wash away.
'Cause I can't take anymore of this / I wanna come apart,
Or dig myself a little hole / Inside your precious heart.
Oh, 'Cause it's always raining in my head
Oh, Forget all the things I should have said.
I am nothing more than a little boy inside
That cries out for attention, yet I always try to hide.
'Cause I talk to you like children, though I don't know how I feel
But I know I'll do the right thing / If the right thing is revealed
'Cause it's always raining in my head / Forget all the things I should have said." – "Epiphany" - Staind
Sydney walked back into the bedroom and Vaughn didn't look up. His brow was knitted in deep thought.
"Hey," she said as she sat down next to him.
"Hi," he said softly, his visage clearing momentarily as she snuggled up to him.
"Are you thinking about what I think you are?"
"Of course," he said in an equally soft tone.
"Is that why you were so quiet at dinner?"
"Mmmhmm...yeah...I guess so..."
"Is there more?" she asked.
"Just thinking about a lot of stuff. I know what you tell me Sydney...but...why would you tell me any different? Why would anyone?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, what are you going to say to me? That yes, you hate the fact that I'm here? Will and Francie are too nice to say something like that, no matter how frustrated they might feel."
"Vaughn, if you're not going to believe it when I or they say it, then there isn't a whole lot I can do..."
"I know..."
"Why don't we talk about something else?"
He snorted, "What else should we talk about?"
"Well...we should figure out what we're going to do with your mother when she gets here."
"I can't do anything," he stated simply, "Maybe you two should go do something..."
"What and leave you here?"
"Yeah..."
"Alone?"
"I can be alone..."
"It's not that I don't think you can...I just...what if you needed something? What if you were in pain?"
He sighed, "I don't know Sydney, can we just talk about it later? I'm tired..."
She moved up to look at him. He did look tired, but she wondered if he was just evading things he didn't want to discuss with her.
"Yeah, ok...Tom will be here in the morning too...to check on the wound...let's look at it before you go to bed, ok?"
"Yeah, ok," he said resignedly.
She got up and got the washcloth, checked the wound, applied more Cavilon and then the TAD bandage. She changed his clothes and then positioned him on the bed so the wound wouldn't be compressed.
"Ok...I'm gonna go help Will and Francie clean up. You be ok?"
"Yeah, I'll be fine."
"Ok," she said kissing him, "Good night, I love you..."
"Love you too Syd, night."
She turned out the lights and closed the door on her way out.
She stood in the hall for a minute, trying to decide if she'd made the right decision by telling him that she wouldn't be there for the session. She just didn't know. He seemed so distant and guarded now, like everyone was out to get him, or at least frustrated with him. She sighed and plopped down on the couch.
Will looked over at her from the bookcase where he was dusting.
"You ok?"
"Yeah...he's just weird now that I told him..."
"Told him about Friday?"
"Yeah...I mean...he's just...cold...I just don't know if I made the right choice."
"Well, if it makes you feel better, I would want to know if I were Mike...I wouldn't like it being dumped on me one second and then you leaving the next. I mean, it sucks any way, but...I think this one was the better choice."
"Thanks Will," she said appreciatively.
"Anytime," he said as he went back to dusting.
Sydney pulled herself off of the couch a few minutes later and helped pick up the house. They had it looking presentable in no time and then she excused herself to go to bed. She took a shower and then brushed her teeth and went back into the bedroom.
Vaughn was sleeping already, so she just snuck under the covers and snuggled up to him. He gripped her instinctively in his sleep and she nestled herself for the night.
She lay awake for a while, just thinking about the next few days and what they might bring, hoping that Vaughn would be ok. She'd be here no matter what, despite the thoughts and doubts that ran through his head, but she was still afraid for him, for her...for all of them.
She drifted off restlessly, not knowing that Vaughn wasn't sleeping.
He smiled as she tried to find a comfortable spot, her body pressed warmly against his. He could smell the fresh shampoo on her hair and the wafting smell of the soap she used. He'd heard the shower, but he hadn't known which of them was taking one.
If only everything were as simple as this. It wasn't like their life before all of this happened wasn't stressful or difficult, but now, it was just all compounded. He longed for the nights when they would just come home from work, exhausted, but leaving it largely behind them, or locked safely away in the inner recesses of their minds. They'd have dinner, catch a movie or go to a King's game, make love and fall peacefully to sleep (not necessarily in that order or not necessarily all of those in one night). He smiled when he remembered all the times they'd planned on going out to dinner and just wound up spending the night in Sydney's bed, or on the couch, or in the shower, or all three. But that was so much simpler, and then they'd get up and do it all over again. Now, it was harder, they couldn't do those things the same way anymore, and if it bugged him, it had to bug her. Or at least, that's what he was thinking currently. She kept telling him it wasn't so...but she was right...if he couldn't accept it when she told him, then there was nothing left to say. He either had to accept it and push the thoughts away or he could not accept it and make everyone's lives that much more difficult. He sighed, holding her tighter, thoughts still running wild.
His mother was coming tomorrow, he'd have to get out of this mood he was in now before she came or she'd know something was up. Oh hell, who was he kidding, she'd know anyway – that was her job, but it would be more pleasant if he could just be happier...
He hated the thought of being alone with Barnett. Even if Sydney wasn't in the room, she was in the house before and that gave him reassurance. He could call her at any time, but now, he'd be truly all along with Barnett, no Sydney, no safety net in the next room. He just didn't know what to make of the whole Barnett thing, but as Sydney had also said, if he thought about it too much, he'd be nuts by Friday. Maybe his mother's visit would take his mind off of it, or maybe Tom would. Sydney was quite capable in that area too...and she had hinted...maybe they'd have to take up some time with that too.
'OK. QUIET NOW BRAIN,' he said to himself as he closed his eyes. At least the thoughts could wait until morning...
