Chapter 125: Separation Anxiety
"Nothing in life is more remarkable than the unnecessary anxiety which we endure and generally occasion ourselves." – Beaconsfield.
"Anxiety is not fear, being afraid of this or that definite object, but the uncanny feeling of being afraid of nothing at all. It is precisely Nothingness that makes itself present and felt as the object of our dread." – William Barrett
"Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained." – Arthur Somers Roche
"Panic is a sudden desertion of us, and a going over to the enemy of our imagination." – Christian Nevell Bovee
"It has been said that our anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, but only empties today of its strength." – Charles Haddon Spurgeon
"Ok…everybody else is gone…just you and me," Sydney said reassuringly.
He nodded as he closed his eyes and swallowed a few times.
"Shit…" he said quietly.
"Should we sit you up?" Sydney asked.
"No…not yet…" he said as he swallowed a few more times.
She just waited patiently, trying to soothe him, but knowing the inevitable would eventually arrive.
A few minutes later he said, "Ok…Sydney…I'm gonna get sick."
She eased him up and sat so that one of her knees supported his back while one of her hands drew large circles on his back and the other ran through his hair.
She could see the pain as a few dry heaves hit him. He winced painfully as a new set hit him and he coughed as well.
"Vaughn?" Sydney asked quietly.
He shook his head, "Mmm…" his brow furrowed and he straightened slightly, trying to get a fresh breath in his lungs. He bent back down and swallowed, before wretching in the bucket and groaning right after finishing.
"Vaughn…honey…are you ok?"
"Uuuunnnn…" he said before he vomited painfully again.
"Oh honey…" she said as she brought her hand up to cup the back of his neck.
He shook his head as if trying to shake it off, but that didn't help at all. He felt a wave of dizziness as he wretched again several times.
Sydney just sat with him, alternating rubbing his back and holding him while his body was racked with pain.
He finally seemed to finish, the heaving slowing until he was just left out of breath. He spit a few times into the bucket and then groaned, "Oh man…"
"Are you ok?"
"My back…really hurts," he said as he closed his eyes again.
"Let's lay you back," Sydney said as she gently eased him back, "Just stay here, relax…ok?" she said as she moved off the bed and took the bucket with her. She went to the bathroom and disposed of the mess and then grabbed a washcloth and several other items before going back to the bedroom.
Amélie met her in the hall, "Sydney…"
"Amélie…I need to get back to him…"
"Is he ok?"
"I think he is now…"
"Ok…I think we're going to bed soon…get us if you need something…take good care of him Sydney…"
"I will Amélie," Sydney said smiling and with that they turned opposite directions, one heading to the living room to wait, the other heading to the bedroom.
Sydney entered again and smiled softly at Vaughn, who was laid out on the bed. He looked slightly pale, and exhausted, his face sweaty and his shirt damp as well.
He smiled vaguely at her as she approached him, "I'm sorry Sydney…" he said quietly.
She looked at him as she sat down on the bed, wiping his face with the cloth and moving down to his neck, slowly mopping the sweat off of his face, "Why? You didn't do anything…"
He shrugged, "I'm just sorry you have to do this with me…"
"I'm not…" she said seriously and confidently.
She produced her assortment of other items, and handed him his toothbrush that she had brought with her.
He smiled and accepted it, tiredly brushing with difficulty because he couldn't use his left hand.
She smiled back at him and took the toothbrush, motioning for him to open his mouth, and helped him brush. Once finished, she helped him sit and took off the sling and the damp shirt, throwing it in the hamper.
She grabbed the toothbrush and other materials and took them back to the bathroom, rinsed the washcloth and came back to him again. She gently laid the cloth on his chest, above the rib wrap, and watched as he cooled down, running her hand through his hair as his breathing returned to a normal state.
"How are you feeling now?" she asked after a few minutes.
"Mmm…I'm not nauseous anymore, if that's what you mean…"
She smiled softly, "Well, yeah, but otherwise…"
"Hurts…"
"What does honey?" she asked.
"Mmm…everything at the moment."
"Do you think you could keep down more pills if I got them?"
"I think so…" he said tiredly.
"Ok, I'll go get them," she said as she left the bedroom. The living room was dark when she went out, and only one kitchen light remained; everyone else had gone to bed it seemed.
Sydney got all of Vaughn's medication and a glass of milk and then went back to him, handed him the pills and helped him down them all.
She put the glass on the nightstand and sat down on the bed again, "What hurts specifically…"
"Back, ribs, chest…pretty much the whole top half…" he said with a slow smile.
"Well, you never really notice how many muscles are actually involved in the whole vomiting process until you're injured…lots of back muscles involved especially…" Sydney said trailing off.
He nodded tiredly, "Seems that way…" He shifted and winced slightly.
"I know this probably won't seem real appetizing, but maybe you should eat something…with the pills and everything…"
"I'm really not hungry Sydney…"
Sydney thought a moment, "Well…what about a Popsicle? Will bought some of those…I mean it's not a meal, but at least it's something…milk and Popsicles," she said with a chuckle.
"Ok…I could probably handle that…"
"Ok," she said, grabbing the glass and venturing out to the kitchen once more. She grabbed the box of Popsicles and poked her head in the door, "What kind?" she asked, "It's a variety pack…Cherry, Orange, Grape, Lime, Banana and Root Beer."
"Banana," he said.
She smiled, "You reverting back to your Sesame Street days again?"
He looked at her strangely until realization hit him, "Mom can't come over any more," he said with a grin.
She took the box back to the freezer and then went back to the bedroom, peeling the wrapper off of the Popsicle as she went and then handed it to him after she shut the door.
He accepted the Popsicle and sucked on it for a while, Sydney smiling at him the whole time, "What?"
"Nothing…just…imagining a little Vaughn running around eating only yellow foods."
He chuckled, "It was a good thing I didn't like Grover…how many foods do you know that are blue?"
She laughed with him, "Good point."
She waited patiently with him until he was done with the Popsicle, laughing when he almost dropped that last elusive piece that never seemed to stay on the Popsicle stick.
"You want another one?" she asked.
He debated a minute, "Mmm…maybe one more…" he said with a smile, "And remind me in the morning to tell Will how much I love him – he is now my God."
Sydney laughed, "I will most certainly NOT remind you, because Will doesn't need anymore encouragement. What kind this time?"
"Root Beer," he said with a smile, "If I can't have the real thing, I'll have to settle."
She chuckled on her way out and grabbed him a Root Beer Popsicle and then waited for him to finish that one as well. By the time he had eaten both of them, some of the color had returned to his face, and he seemed to be in less pain, the pills obviously kicking in.
"How are you feeling now?" she asked.
"A little better…"
"Yeah…you want another one?"
"No, I think I've had enough for now."
"Ok, I'm gonna throw this away, put the washcloth away, then I'll be back, and we'll get ready for bed, ok?"
He nodded and she kissed him gently and then left the room.
He lay in the bed, thinking. He'd had a pretty good day, despite the pain that came with the check-up. His mother had brought a bright spot to the day, as did Tom, in his capacity as friend. And Will and Francie were always fun and inviting. Sydney was always…Sydney…she was always a wonder. He admittedly hadn't thought much about the session tomorrow, but it must have been there under the surface anyway. Actually, he thought, it must have been there pretty potently if it made him physically sick. He closed his eyes as he waited for Sydney to come back, trying to push thoughts out of his head; he didn't want to repeat that experience.
Sydney had taken care of everything she needed to, and had shut off the remaining lights in the house. She made her way back to the bedroom quietly, and stopped in the doorway when she saw that Vaughn's eyes were closed. She smiled when she thought he might have fallen asleep already, but she could see the furrow in his brow and the look of determination on his face, even with his eyes closed. He was thinking…and that could be bad. She had a fleeting thought of getting the bucket again, but then decided against it and entered the room, closing the door softly and locking it.
His eyes opened when he heard the door close, and he managed a weak smile for her as she approached.
She could see the fear in his eyes, the apprehension and the rising level of anxiety as thoughts of tomorrow ran through his head.
She sat down on the bed, "Tell me what you were just thinking," she said as she laid her hand on his chest.
"I was just trying to stop all the thinking…"
"No you weren't…you were thinking too…tell me…"
He smiled at her persistence and her keen sense at knowing what was going on with him, "I was just trying to figure out why I made myself sick…"
"Well…probably because you were thinking too much about Barnett…" Sydney reasoned.
"But I really wasn't today…I mean – Tom was here, and my mom…I was kinda busy all day – then Will and Francie – I mean I sort of made a conscious effort NOT to think about it."
"Maybe you tried to NOT think about it too hard…"
Vaughn chuckled, "Probably – like reverse psychology – my desire to not think about it made me think about it subconsciously even more…"
Sydney smiled, "Seems therapy is rubbing off on you…"
He smiled.
Sydney thought a moment; "I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow Vaughn…" Sydney stopped a moment to think – had she just lied to him again? No – that was true – she didn't know what would result…only the method…then she continued, "And the only thing I can say is that I'm scared too…I don't want to leave you as much as you don't want me to…but I trust Barnett. I think whatever she does; will help you in the end. I can promise you though, no matter what happens, I'll be here…I'll love you…no matter what happens, ok?"
He looked up at her in awe and wonder, this truly amazing creature who seemed to take his very soul in her eyes and make him see the world through her eyes. He pulled her over to him, "Thank you Sydney."
She smiled and kissed him, "You're welcome. When you love someone, that's what you do…"
He nodded and kissed her again, "I love you so much…I hope you know that…"
"I do Vaughn, I know…"
