Chapter 132: The Walls of Jericho
"The professional must learn to be moved and touched emotionally, yet at the same time stand back objectively: I've seen a lot of damage done by tea and sympathy." – Anthony Storr
"Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he doesn't become a monster." – Friedrich Nietzsche
"Crawling in my skin, these wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall, confusing what is real
There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, confusing
This lack of self control I fear is never ending
Controlling, I can't seem to find myself again my walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence, I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before, so insecure
Crawling in my skin, these wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall, confusing what is real
Discomfort endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting, reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I can't seem to find myself again my walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence, I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before, so insecure
Crawling in my skin, these wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall, confusing what is real
Crawling in my skin, these wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall, confusing, confusing what is real
(There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface, consuming)
Confusing what is real
(This lack of self control I fear is never ending, controlling)
Confusing what is real" – "Crawling" – Linkin Park
"Overbearing panic attack entrenching my veins
In an hour, I'll be okay
I pray this pain will go away permanently someday
I've seen more than
I should have to
I've seen this on my own." – Taproot – "Poem"
Sydney tried not to have her apprehension cloud her mind, she tried to be confident for Vaughn, but it was rather impossible. Even Amélie's presence did not distract her from what she knew was going to happen.
The bell rang, signaling the inevitable. She kissed Vaughn before she got up and then hauled herself to the door, opening it unenthusiastically.
"Hello Sydney…" Barnett said pleasantly.
"Hi," she said and then added, "forgive me if I'm not social today…I'm just leery…forgive me if I'm rude too…"
Barnett smiled, "I understand…"
"This is really gonna be hard on him…"
"Yes, but it will get better from here…"
Sydney managed a small smile, and then gestured her to the bedroom.
Upon entering, Sydney said, "Dr. Barnett, this is Michael's mother, Amélie Vaughn."
"Hello," Barnett said, extending her hand, "It's a pleasure to meet you…"
"Likewise," Amélie said.
"Hello Michael," Barnett said turning to Vaughn.
"Hi," he said quietly, in his little boy voice.
Normally, Sydney found it attractive, but today he sounded, lost…in need of comfort…solace from his fear.
She moved over to the bed. She sat down and kissed him, "Have a good session today…ok?"
"I don't want you to leave," he said quietly, little boy shining through his eyes.
"I know, but Barnett says it's better this way…for today…you'll be ok…" she said. "I'll have my cell phone…your mom and I are gonna go to the mall for awhile…we'll be back in about an hour…ok? It's only an hour…" she tried to reason, for herself as much as him.
He nodded, looking down.
She smiled, kissed him, and said, "I love you…"
"I love you too…" he said, managing a small smile for her.
"Ok," she said looking to Amélie, her heart ripping out, "Let's go…"
Amélie smiled and approached her son, placing a kiss on the top of his head, "Au revoir Michel, Je t'aime." (Goodbye Michael, I love you).
He smiled, "Moi aussi…" (Me also) he said in reply.
He watched in fear as they walked out of the room.
Sydney made a motion for Barnett to follow her and Barnett complied. Sydney moved to the kitchen, Amélie in tow.
"I just wanted to show you…these are his pain medications if he starts to complain about any pain. He can have everything if it's bad enough, but ideally, we try not to mix them all the time. If it would get bad…he can have two of everything…just make sure he takes it with milk…just rummage," she said motioning to the cupboards. "I'll have my cell phone if you need me…" Sydney added, "Oh!" she said at the last minute before she and Amélie were about to walk out, "there's morphine too…just in case – it's in the syringes on the counter…just give him one shot…"
Barnett smiled, "I think I've got all that…"
Sydney smiled back sadly, not wanting to leave him, but having no choice.
Vaughn had heard faint talking and would have been concerned had he not been so nervous about this session. The last thing he heard before Barnett came back in was the telltale click of the front door closing, sealing his fate.
"You're mother seems very nice Michael…" Barnett started.
"She's great," he said smiling.
"She visiting for awhile?"
"She stayed last night…I'm not sure how long she's staying…"
"How are you doing?"
"Good…"
"That's good Michael."
"Can I ask you why Sydney can't be in the house today?"
"It's better Michael…"
"Why?"
"Don't you think Sydney could use a break?"
Vaughn looked down, "Yeah, I guess so…"
"She spends a lot of time with you…"
Vaughn looked at her, "You know I asked Sydney…I asked her if she got frustrated being here with me…she doesn't…she said that Francie and Will don't feel that way either…she might get a little bit every once and a while…but she doesn't feel that way…she told me she didn't…"
"Michael," she said, keeping her voice calm, "Do you honestly think Sydney would really tell you? That's what she tells you to protect you. What doesn't she say? Think about it…"
He looked at her rigidly, jaw clenching, "She would tell me…" he said forcefully.
"Would she? Would she really Michael? What purpose would it serve for you to know?"
"She's always honest with me…"
"This has nothing to do with honesty…she's protecting you…"
He dropped his gaze, thoughts racing, trying to come up with something to convince Barnett that Sydney did not feel that way. But what if she was right? What if Sydney was just interested in protecting him? Would she really tell him if she was miserable?
"Michael, this whole experience has affected you deeply, but think about Sydney…she's been with your since the beginning, she's seen everything…do you really think that wouldn't affect her?"
"Well…of course it affects her…"
"But how deeply? Don't you think it's deeper than she's leading on?"
"She would tell me!" Vaughn yelled.
"What does she say?"
"She doesn't say anything…she walks out sometimes…"
"So what isn't she saying Michael?"
He just looked over at her, eyes wide.
"Wouldn't you tell her the same thing if things were switched?"
"What do you mean?"
"What if it was Sydney sitting here…what if you were the one taking care of her…"
Vaughn's head dropped, eyes moving, mind racing.
"Wouldn't you protect her if it was her? Wouldn't you tell her you were fine…that you weren't frustrated…"
"I…Sydney would…" Vaughn started, but stopped, trailing off.
"What if the situation was different? How would you deal with knowing Sydney was taken…tortured…"
Vaughn's eyes widened in horror, "What? What do you mean?"
"Well…you know what they did to you…just imagine what they could have done to a beautiful woman like Sydney…"
"Wha…why are you saying that?"
"What would they do? Would it be the same? Would they change it because she's a woman?"
"What…I…"
"Would they rape her?"
Vaughn's mouth dropped open, but he had no words to convey.
"Would they?"
"I…I don't know…" he said confused.
"If they did, would she fight back?"
"What? Of COURSE she would!"
"What if she couldn't fight back? Imagine what that would do to her…being powerless to stop them from raping her again and again…"
"Stop…" Vaughn said as terrible images began to run through his mind.
"Would she blame herself? Would she call out your name? Beg for them to stop, beg for you to help her?"
"No…stop…" Vaughn mumbled as he tried to clear his mind.
"Would she ask why you didn't save her? Why you didn't get there sooner?" she asked in a pleading tone.
Vaughn could feel his anger level rising as he pictured what might have been.
"Did you blame Sydney for not getting to you sooner?"
"No!" he said defensively, "she had no control over that!"
"Didn't she? Would you blame yourself if she was taken?"
"Of course…"
"So don't you think Sydney feels the same way?"
"I…no…I…no she told me…"
"She told you…yes…" she paused, "She'd be broken after they raped her Michael…can you imagine?"
"I don't want to imagine…she's fine…Sydney's fine…" he said reassuring himself.
"What if she wasn't? What if you found her instead, on the floor somewhere…bruised and broken, bleeding…torn apart…naked and violated…"
"Stop!" Vaughn yelled again.
"What if both of you had been captured…" Barnett added after a pause, "Imagine what that would have been like…what if they made you watch…"
Vaughn's eyes turned wildly to Barnett.
"What would you have done? Watching her there…on the floor…struggling…calling your name…begging them to stop, not to make you watch…"
"Stop it…" Vaughn said, tension and anger and a hint of fear and warning all in his voice.
"Making you watch as they raped and beat her…"
Random images flashed before his eyes in random succession…Sydney…cold cement floors...he being held back, helpless as they ravaged her body…
"Do you see their faces Michael? Are they enjoying themselves?"
As much as he didn't want to…he could see his assailants…the ones that had tortured him…their faces wrought with pleasure as they violated Sydney…he – being held back…forced to witness the horrible torment…knowing full well – seeing what they were doing to her.
"Are they laughing? Are they gloating?" she continued slowly, letting him imagine. "Are they enjoying themselves Michael?"
She paused again, and then said, "Do you think Sydney is enjoying it? Is Sloane helping? Participating?"
Vaughn snapped. A deep guttural cry echoed through the room as he launched himself off the bed at Barnett.
He paid no heed to the burning of muscles that were underused, no heed to the fire that erupted in his chest as the oxygen tube ripped off of the tank, no heed to the pain that emanated from his back, no heed to the searing agony that spread through his shoulder as he ripped the sling over his head. He heard nothing, felt nothing but rage, the adrenaline pumping through his veins, spurring him on. Horrible images flashed in and out in irregular succession, all the same, pain, terror, Sydney…
He had no idea how he had moved so quickly, but the next image that would be ingrained in his mind for a very long time were his hands around Barnett's throat. 'Keep squeezing,' that's what his mind was telling him; make all the images go away…
Barnett put up no fight, just letting the whole incident transpire as if it were well planned. She was calm and collected as she said to him evenly, "Do you like the power Michael? Do you feel better knowing that there is nothing I can do to stop you?"
Vaughn let go instantly, recognition flashing in his fiery jade eyes, shaking his head wildly, as if erasing the images and thoughts, everything, from his mind. He dropped his hands and fell back onto the floor, his back hitting the bed with a soft thud.
He buried his face in his hand, cradling his injured shoulder as the adrenaline dissipated, and the feelings started to return.
"I'm sorry," he choked out before pain racked his body.
Barnett approached him slowly, and touched his shoulder. He flinched away from her, but she took a firmer grip on him and helped him sit on the bed.
He groaned as she helped maneuver him back, feeling muscles unbelievably tense and sore all at once. His chest was heavy, but he couldn't determine if that was from injury or fear over what he had just done. He refused to look at Barnett, even though she was close to him, replacing the oxygen and trying to figure out if he was injured severely.
She started calmly, "Michael…"
His eyes flashed as his name registered, but he didn't look at her.
"Michael…I want to explain to you what happened…"
"I think that's fairly obvious," he said wincing and shifting uncomfortably.
"I've made your therapy very intensive…I realize that may seem harsh, but I thought it best. You attacked me because I pushed you. I forced a reaction…one that I'm sure was very scary for you. You're not immune Michael…while you wouldn't have really killed me, your emotions took over…logic had no place a moment ago. I wanted to push you to the brink so that you'll admit to yourself that you're not as well as you make it seem. There is a lot you need to deal with yet Michael…and stubbornness won't get us anywhere…that's why I did this…in a controlled environment."
"I didn't feel very controlled," Vaughn said softly.
"That's the point Michael…you aren't as controlled as you say you are…believe you are…" She noted the way he was shifting on the bed and his slightly elevated breathing pattern, "Do you want me to get your pain medication?"
He nodded.
She left him momentarily to get the pills and some milk, and brought them back to him, deciding that two of the ibuprofen, two of the naproxen, two of the percocet and two of the vicodin were in order. It was a lot of medication, but he seemed to be in enough pain to warrant them all.
He accepted the pills and took them without question.
"What are you feeling right now Michael?" she asked softly as she put the glass on the table.
"I feel like an ass…"
"No…emotions…how about five? Five of your strongest emotions?"
He sighed, wincing; "Fear's a big one at the moment, anger, disgust with myself, disbelief…and relief."
"Why those emotions Michael?" she asked gently.
"Well…fear's rather obvious, I mean…that scared the shit out of me…goes along with disbelief…I can't believe that I would ever get that angry…you know? But in a way – I mean I'm disgusted by what I did, what I'm capable of and angry at myself…but in a way, I'm so relieved…"
"Why?" she prodded.
"Because I didn't lose it around Sydney…I wouldn't want her to see that…and I'm sorry, but I'm glad I didn't try to strangle her…I would…I don't know what I would do if…I don't even want to think about it…"
"I don't take it personally Michael…"
"I'm still sorry…I…"
"It's ok…Sydney would never push you to the level I just did Michael…and, believe me, you're not the first…"
"Other…other people have tried to strangle you?"
She smiled, "Yes, numerous times…it's a job hazard of mine…"
"Wow…that would be why you handled it so calmly…"
"Yes, it would be…Ok…in the future however, if something should make you that angry again…"
"Yeah?" he asked, looking her in the eyes directly for the first since trying to strangle her.
"There are a number of strategies you can try to calm yourself before you 'snap.' Breathing exercises to try to calm yourself work, or thinking about more pleasant things, or relating everything that's happening to you to something that won't make you angry…"
"Ok," he said, filing that bit of information away for further use. He thought a moment, and then asked, "So…all that stuff you said to me about Sydney and Will and Francie…and Tom…that was all…"
"A tool…a mind game…"
"Pushing my buttons…"
"Right," Barnett said with a smile at his perceptiveness, "I was trying to isolate you, bring back certain emotional responses from your experience."
"Why?"
"Because you're attempting to integrate yourself back into life without healing first. I had to get extreme to break you from that…"
"Why?"
"Would you have responded to anything less?" Barnett asked honestly.
Vaughn regarded her a moment and then smiled slightly, "Probably not…"
"You didn't break during torture Michael, you needed to in therapy…does that make sense?"
He nodded.
Sydney and Amélie had been largely silent on the drive to the mall, neither comfortable leaving Vaughn alone, knowing what would take place. In a different situation, Sydney would have tried to be more social, but they both realized and accepted that there was nothing either could do or say to make the anxiety go away.
Sydney parked the car and they largely wandered around aimlessly for the better part of a half hour. They looked in a few stores; yet saw nothing.
Amélie looked at her watch, "Is it too soon to head back?"
Sydney smiled, "Maybe just a few more minutes…why don't we get some coffee…sit down…"
Amélie nodded and they did just that, nervously sipping the steaming coffee, waiting…just waiting…
