Disclaimer : Yeah, I just talked to kubo, it ain't happening.

Soundtrack for this chapter is "By the way" by "Theory of a deadman" from the album "Scars and Souvenirs"

Test: Narration.

Test: Author notes.

"Test" : Normal talking.

"Test" : Thoughts.


Chapter 8 : Ebb and Flow

Time is an Ebb and flow, some things crawl back their way, some don't and such is the way of life. It's full of disappointments, destruction and death, Ikumi Unagiya was quite familiar with the concept, life earlier had forced her to learn and adapt. She had become apathetic towards things that had emotional attachment, expect for her relation with her son, she would never do anything to jeopardize that. He was the one good thing that came into her life, despite everything going south at the time. He was light at the end of the tunnel, North star in a pitch black night and her reason to live. Yes... She's ashamed to admit that when his father left her, she contemplated taking her own life and she would've done it, had it not been for her parents. They were the calmest pair of oldest bird she has ever seen. Even when they found out she was pregnant at a very early and unlikely age, they did not react the way she thought they would, her father was obviously more than furious with her and the man involved but her mother was nurturing, to her but not to her partner at the time. It's a thing that both of her parents shared, their hatred at the man responsible for their daughter's condition. But she tried to make them understand that this was not entirely his fault, they both had equal share in it and if they decide to punish him, then she should be punished too. Seeing their daughter's resolute face, her parents gave up and accepted their relationship albeit with slight, not so covert contempt at the man. Here she was defending the man and sewing dreams of another life, far away from here, where they both could life happily ever after, it was after all, every girl's dream. Then life slapped her hard in the face, reminded her, that how much of a fickle emotion love really is. She clearly remembers the day before that man left, how could she not? It was the last time she was close to him, held by him and was reassured by him. She was quite scared at the prospect of a baby but he was at every step of the line with her, giving her courage, holding her hand and even comforting her when situation demanded. The day before he left, he made love to her all night and she mewled beneath him like a kitten. It was getting quite hard to do it now that she's entering into five months, but seeing his enthusiasm, she couldn't deny him and frankly she wanted to be close to him as he wanted to be with her.

As he finished inside her, she wanted him to hold her for a few more moments but her belly wasn't cooperating, so they laid down side by side with her head on his shoulder and her hands drawing lazy patterns all over his chest and his hand resting in the small of her back. She softly spoke,

"Recently whenever we do it, I think i can feel the baby kicking slightly... He must be pretty annoyed, we're distributing his rest..." She finished with a soft giggle.

"I'd like to think of it as he's being very happy that his father loves his mother that much, that's why he's kicking in excitement" the man spoke looking at her sideways.

Ikumi's voice soft, hesitant and uncertain, "... You really think so?"

The man took her chin in his hand to force her to look up to him and then started placing small kisses on her eyelids, nose, cheeks and finally he kissed lips for an eternity, at least that's what it felt like to Ikumi and then he looked at her clearly and said in a voice a decibel lower,

"I know so... After all this time, all our time together, you still doubt my love?" He asked, faking his hurt.

Ikumi suddenly looked very embarrassed and threw up her arms on the air to emphasize her point, "Eh? No no no! I don't! Ehm...I mean.. Recently you've been so distant..." She trailed off and letting him know, why she was acting weird.

"Oh... Honey... I'm just... I'm just a little bit preoccupied with arrangements... I didn't want to let you know... I wanted it to be a surprise..." He looked sheepish.

Ikumi's eye lit up in excitement, "What surprise! Tell me now! Or I'll not be able to sleep all night, please tell me? Please?" She said looking at her pleadingly.

He looked amused and patted her head and kissed her. Finishing the kiss, he told her to get to sleep and she pouted but was helpless against his warm body and before she knew, she succumbed to the sweet embrace of sleep.

She got a surprise all right, the next day she woke up alone in that bed but she thought of nothing as this was normal behavior for him, he would leave very early in the morning and come back late at night. So she started making the bed and got up to see her parents, they were sitting in the dining room, grim faced with a letter in hand. When they saw her, her mother bolted from her chair to her and put ikumi's head on the comforting cradle of her shoulder and started gently whispering comforting words to her, she yanked her head from her mother's shoulder and started walking towards her father to ask him, what's wrong. Her father said nothing and handed her the letter, despite of her mother's vigorous protest. She started reading and fainted halfway through. The next time she woke up, she was in a hospital bed and her parents were looking at her with concern. She thought that was just a dream but her parents from face confirmed that it was not. She wanted to wail, cry and thrash everything until she was exhausted or dead. What was the meaning of this life if he wasn't here to share it with her? They promised, didn't they? They'd live together, grow old together. Then why did he leave her? Was it something she had done? Was he unhappy with her? All of these can be solved if he talked to her but... He... He.. Just left... He left her alone.

The day she came home from the hospital, she couldn't sleep, how could she? For the last few months they have been sleeping in each other's arm. How could she sleep when her counterpart was not here. Everything started to feel irritating... Why was her parents so calm about this? When she was not? Did they know something she did not? Was he coming back? This was all just a prank all along, right? Right?...

No matter how she wanted to cling onto that hope, it never came true. He did not come back and she did her best to bring her offspring into this merciless world. Nurturing him to her best of abilities and shielding him to this world's cruel side. She will do anything and be anything he needed her to be, a mother, a friend, anything. When she saw her boy all grown up, she beamed with pride. Dare she say, she did a good job raising him. He was kind, considerate and gentle, everything Ikumi taught him to be. But on the road of bringing him up to this stage she had to sacrifice many things, one of them was the prospect of love. She really didn't have any time to entertain another man when she was raising her own to be a good one. And no matter what she said, she was still hurt on the inside, she thought she could never trust another man, save for her little boy. Boy... Was she wrong...

A certain orange haired idiot gained her trust and shattered it like before. After a long long time of contemplating whether its time to be brave once more, she thought, "This is a man I could trust with my heart" she did not thought wrong, Ichigo was indeed, honorable, courageous and affectionate, she really did choose right, but then... Why? Why did it end the same way as before? Why? Why, everyone she loved ended up being farthest from her?

It was nearly eight months since she last saw Ichigo... That night, when she thought they patched up everything and started a journey towards a new horizon, he vanished like a mirage. Leaving her with the haunting melody of his last words...

"You're not honest Ikumi-san..."

At first she did not think it was weird, as of recently, it was not out of ordinary for him to ditch or come late for work. She waited for him an hour and then proceeded to do the jobs herself. She thought, he must be shy after what happened last night and if she was honest she was not feeling good about seeing him so soon, she was feeling uncharacteristically shy. She didn't know why, but seeing him in the light of day, his beautiful face, his honest smile, his kind and considerate gaze, made her feel all hot and fuzzy inside. She was, dare she say, squealing, for the lack of a better word. She started weaving their upcoming journey in her mind. Yes, he was younger than her but he showed resilience far beyond his years and he was a level headed guy albeit his protective instinct made him a little bit of a hothead guy but still in general he was a easy going guy with badass looks. Did she just admitted Ichigo was badass? Did she, in her right mind, recognised that, Ichigo was GOOD LOOKING? The world must be coming to an end. A few weeks ago such thoughts might be enough to push her to go to a psychiatrist, but now she just blushed and continued her train of thoughts.

She thought of that fateful night, how he pushed her down, she should be furious, manhandling her like that? What was he thinking? She could've killed him. But she did not, when her eyes met that beautiful shade of golden brown eyes, much lighter and transparent than her pure brown ones, she stopped. They say eyes are windows to our soul, on that moment she could see that it's true. His eye bore resemblence to the last remanent sunlight, full of contradictions, soft but full of confidence, watery but full of fiery anger burning in their ends. She looked at his eyes and saw herself reflected and the pain she caused him. She felt ashamed and petrified, she never wanted to hurt him. When he started taking, he did not, for one second, took his eyes off her, he watched her like a hawk, as if daring her to do something indecent. But when she did not and he saw her compliance, he broke down, the windows of his soul were open and she could see, feel everything. His pain, his anger, his love. Even in that warped state he was looking at her fondly, albeit that look quickly disappeared under his cold scrutiny. He screamed at her, she has never heard him scream, it was deafening to her ears. She could only take so much, her eyes pooled. He saw this and lowered his voice to an acceptable level, appropriate for the intimate conservation they were about to have. He asked the same thing with different wording, softly. Even after all this time she couldn't find any suitable answer, so she stayed silent. He couldn't take this anymore, the pressure. So he rested his head softly on her shoulder and let her hands go. Ikumi did not even had to think, it was instinctive, she wraped her hands around him in attempt to keep him close and to comfort him. It did not bode well for her soul to see him this broken, knowing she has some part in it. This was her penance, she thought. She would do whatever it takes to piece back this broken man together because God help her, it was she, who broke him. Then she felt him squirming and she was displeased, it was quite a novel experience, having him in her arms. His larger hands were perfectly capable of shielding her to anything, but he did not use it that way. He elevated his upper body on one hand to look at her. She could see, something was different about him and it was just not his tear stricken face, his eyes seemed to blaze, burning her soul. He said he'll break his promise to her and Ikumi was lost, but when he said, she could kill him for it later if she so desired, her mind was racing. When he dropped his head, she was positive that a heart attack was imminent for her. She positively lost her mind when started kissing her. And amidst of that everything faded away, her job, who he was, her son, her business, her family, everything. For now she was content with kissing him, having him close to her chest and feeling his warmth. She forgot everything, how many years has it been since she was loved, adored like this? His kiss was comforting and soothing. She thought she could let him see her a little bit vulnerable, she gently bit his lips on a whim. He looked at her utterly astonished and she felt giggly. After everything was said and done he asked her the question she was dreading about. She had no clear answers about that, she felt hesitant and he laughed but his eyes did not, they had a melancholic quality and Ikumi had a bad feeling about this, just as she was about to question him, he silenced her and said his last words to her. At that time she was so distracted that it didn't even register what he meant, it was goodbye.

Hours turned into days, days turned into weeks but she has yet to see him. After a week she was worried, so she made some calls around to see where he was. He was joking about that quitting stuff, right? They patched up... Right? All the calls she placed only managed to get her anxiety level through the roof. No one has heard from him ever since a week ago. Specifically, the night he left Ikumi with those words. She was feeling quite panicky. Desperate times calls for desperate measures, so she contacted his school and found out that he had graduated a month ago. She really didn't know anything about him. She was positively panicking. Weeks turned into months, by the end of month four she realized that she was, once again, abandoned. The hollow feeling that she was getting when she talked to Ichigo that night four months ago, returned with a vengeance. She really couldn't handle another rejection, yet it was staring on her face, vividly, grimly. This time she couldn't cry either, it's like all her tear glands refused to produce any tears. She thought if she could just mourn him, it'll be over and she'll be able to move on, just like she had before and just like he has now. She didn't need anyone in her life... She was a self-sufficient woman. That's the mantra she kept chanting all day long, everyday since that day.


Karou wasn't blind to his mother's condition, ever since that orange haired brat stopped coming for work, she looked a little less alive and gradually it descended for the worse. These days she barely had any resemblence to the woman who was known across karakura for her temper. Of course she thought that she shielded him from everything but he heard people taking and he knew what she does to keep food on their table and roof over their heads. If she could rest easy by knowing that he knows nothing, he would play along just for her peace of mind.

It all started roughly about four months ago when one day he woke up and found his mother attitude brighter than he has ever seen. She was chirping, humming, with a constant smile on her face. He thought something good must've happened. Her cheerfulness was infectious, Karou was smiling too. And they both spent that morning basking in each other's presence. But the problem started when starting the next day and each day following, she started looking a little pale and her gentle smile vanished. She tried hard to keep it from him but he could see her mask falling away when she was not conscious, the hurt could barely be masked. She looked utterly helpless. He did not want to see his mother in such state but he could only do so much. He tried to help around the house but she only refused and continued to do chores in her zombie like state. She was a shell of what she used to be. It was so unbearable that he even went to find that bastard, who was likely responsible for this. But he only came up empty, its like he vanished from the face of the earth. Karou spent countless hours searching for that bastard but he could only gather that he was gone. But the burning question was, why his mother was so broken about a mere employee leaving work? Was there something going on between these two? Nah... That's impossible, right? His mother would have better taste than choosing that orange haired ape, right? But the evidence was strongly suggesting the contrary. But if that's true, then why? That idiot was nearly a decade younger than her, why would she do that? Didn't she know how wrong it sounded? Karou stopped thinking for a moment to reflect on his conceited opinions and felt ashamed, his mother sacrificed so much for him, working countless hours, sacrificing her life so that he could have a better one... He really was despicable.

But it's not like he could help himself! It hurt him too that his mother is in such state, she would greet him "good morning" since forever he could remember, nowadays he only gets a smile that hides her blank gaze. He was tempted many times to go over and ask her, what's wrong. But he feared she will only push him away or give him some other explanation.

Her birthday was coming up in a few weeks and he thought she could use a happy occasion, he planned the whole day for her, breakfast on bed, giving her gifts and even cooking her the lunch. He thought his disastrous attempt at cooking might bring a smile to her face that didn't hurt so much to see. He really wanted his mother to laugh and talk to him normally, the way she used to. She still tries to do that but it's obvious that she was hurting. Karou would do anything to help her suppressing that hurt.


Ikumi woke up with a startle and saw Karou on her bedside, holding a tray of food and looking startled and sheepish,

"Happy birthday mom..." Karou congratulated her meekly.

Ikumi went blank for a second, was today her birthday? How could she have forgotten? It's not like anyone wished her, since her parents were long dead, she really didn't have anyone who would wish her. Save for her son, he didn't forget. That bought one of her rare happy smile to her face,

"Thank you dear, you really didn't have to cook me breakfast though.." Ikumi was a little bit scared looking at the brunt pancake.

"Oh you don't know? I'm world renowned chef! It's quite an honor to be served by me you know?" Karou quipped in attempt to make her smile more.

"Oh really?" Ikumi said her eyes twinkled full of mistrust.

"Ah! You got me, actually i don't think you'll be able to eat anything out of this tray, but hey! The thought still counts right?" Karou said sheepishly.

"Yes honey, thank you for remembering your old mom's birthday and thank you for the gesture, I really appreciate it" Ikumi said fondly.

"You're not old mom! And if course I'll remember it, do you have any other sons? It's my job to look after you after all" Karou said haughtily.

"Is it now? You'll take care of me? Just yesterday I was rubbing your tummy because you said you were feeling funny" Ikumi argued with mirth in her voice.

"Ah! Mom! Why do you always have to ruin the moment? I was looking so cool for a moment..." Karou said petulantly.

"Come here... Thank you for trying to take care of me. But I'm the adult here, I should be taking care of you, not the other way around." Ikumi said as she hugged her son affectionately.

"Thank you mom... For taking care of me, I know you sacrifice a lot for me... I just want to do something nice for you once in a while..." Karou said but his voice came muffled.

"You already do, you surprise me so many times... Like today. Although you are right, I don't think we can eat anything out of that tray. So be a good boy and wait in the kitchen for me? I'll come as soon as I freshen up and then we'll bake some cake, OK?" Ikumi said ruffling his hair.

"We're having cake today?!" Karou's eyes were large as saucers from the excitement.

"We sure are, now go and mix the batter for me, I'm coming up in a minute" Ikumi said as she proceeded to get out of the bed.

"Yes mom!" Karou practically jumped out of his mother hug and raced to the kitchen.

Ikumi sighed happily for a change, recently all her sighs were of longings for a certain person. She sighed once again, but this one was of exasperation, she really was angry with herself, why was she acting like a lovesick puppy? When he was the one who left her and didn't even bothered to look back... Just like that person. Ikumi's judgement was right, men are all the same. They love to destroy. They don't know how to nurture, they don't know the value of commitment. Its all just a game to them, and Ikumi was tired of these games. Today... She thought today would be the day she will left everything behind and start from zero, once again. With that mindset she got up from her bed and made her way to washroom to freshen up.

Baking cake with Karou was both good and annoying experience for her, good because she rarely got to spend that much time alone with him and bad because he would not stop asking her about the cake, when will it finish baking, what did you put into them, why is it taking so long... Aghhhh! Ikumi loved her son but sometimes he could be a little bullheaded and stubborn. And there's the fact that he would sulk like a puppy if she even look at him with a bad eye. So when his friend came to her house, asking if Karou could stay overnight at his house and play, she was both relieved and disappointed. Relieved because she didn't know how much she could take of his constant questioning and disappointed because she kinda had her mind set on spending the rest of the day with him. But she could see it on his eyes that he really wanted to go but could not because he was feeling guilty about leaving his mother alone on her birthday. Ikumi laughed in her mind and practically pushed him out of the door to go play and have fun. After he was gone Ikumi tidied up her hair and changed her work cloth to do her job. Now that no one was helping her, she had to do everything by herself. Deliveries, office work, everything, but she did not mind and did not wanted to hire another assistant. Her mind was soured enough after one.


Ikumi was exhausted, the pressure of constant deliveries was very hard on her, she had to work like a dog. She came home staggering, vertigo almost taking hold on her. She barely made it into her house and locked the door and started walking towards her bedroom. Once there, she threw all her clothes in the dirty hamper beside the washroom door and slipped into the comforting warm water of her tub. And started dozing.

She saw herself in a blade of grass, a man hosting her up by her waist and twirling her, she saw herself laughing merrily with her eyes squinted from the mirth. She saw the man, he looked vaguely familiar but she couldn't put a name to his face as his face was blurred. She saw the man put her down and pulled her into a hug and the dream version of her responded accordingly, with her arms tightly around that man. They were both in that position for some time and then they disengaged and the man kissed her, slowly, lovingly, like how you would kiss a lover. When the kiss ended, the man started to walk away from the dream version of her and no matter how fast she ran, she couldn't catch him. He was going away, far away and at some point the line to the horizon and that man were the same, it looks reachable but it never is. She saw the blade of grass catching wildfire, the rampant fire burned everything beside her and reduced everything to smoldering ash. That desolate landscape fitted her mindset perfectly. She was self-destructive and she burned everything she touched. She saw herself trapped into that flame for countless years and it looked like she was destined for it. But the night came onto that desolate landscape and the Moon shined brightly. With the Moon shining, the smouldering ashes reduced to glowing embers, remanant of the previous ordeal. She saw a hand extended to her, she looked at its owner and found the face blurred but one thing she could clearly make out was the eyes, they were golden, like molten gold. They captivated her and made her willing to trust once again. She accepted the extended hand and clung onto him for dear life, suddenly the landscape wasn't looking so desolate, the sun was about to peek and give life to this barren wasteland but suddenly like a mirage the person vanished, leaving her desperate for the warmth she was receiving only a moment ago. She looked around and found everything dead. The soil looked black, even little plants were refusing to grow here and the sun was a distant memory. Suddenly the dream version of her looked at straight into her eyes and she was terrified. The eyes she saw was of a dead woman, deprived of warmth, love and affection. The dream version of her blinked.

Ikumi woke up from her dozed state with a startle, she nearly stood up in her tub and when she finally recognised where she was, she calmed down a little and slid back into the tub and started thinking about what she just saw, the literal meaning was too literal, was this even possible? She didn't have time to think about that as the doorbell rang and she promptly got out of tub thinking who might that be.

She rinsed herself quickly and wiped herself clean of remanant water. She got dressed and got to the door to see who was it. She found a man, who works with the postal service judging from his uniform. The man asked her to sign a document, when she asked why, he answered that she received a package. She signed absentmindedly, asking herself who would send her a package? Work related maybe? Or maybe it just came to the wrong address? Ikumi took the package from the man's hand and bade him farewell. She looked at the package and saw it was fairly small. Her address and name was stapmed on top. She put the box down on the counter and opened up a bottle of wine and poured herself half a glass of that good stuff. She took it to the living room and sat down on the sofa and started opening the box. Upon opening the first thing she saw was a necklace. The necklace was a little bit weird, it had a Sun emblem on middle of it but the string it was attached to was of crescent Moon shaped all the way. She looked at the necklace oddly for a second and then dived into the box to find what else was there. She only found a note, she opened and note on one hand and sipped the wine with the other. She started reading the content of the note and suddenly the wine glass fell out of her hand.

This handwriting... She would recognize this handwriting anywhere, she read the last note written by those hands so many times that she had it memorized, every curve, every shape, every fluctuation was clear to her as day. She looked at the note and found only two lines of very clean handwriting.

Happy birthday.

10.5.2016

Just these two lines... She was looking at them blankly, she couldn't figure out what was happening. Is this real? Is it really his handwriting? He was alive? He was well enough to write? Oh thank heavens!

She looked at the necklace and suddenly everything made sense, she slid out of her sofa and dropped to the ground with the note and necklace. She started reading the contents of the note again and again. At one point the paper was getting wet and she realized that she was crying...

No dammit! She said she would never cry again... Never... Never cry... Never cry...

She couldn't do this anymore, it was hell, it was agony, pretending that it didn't happen put humongous pressure on her than accepting what happened... But she couldn't accept what happened, because if she accepts then it means she was abandoned once again, she wouldn't be able to take it, her heart wasn't strong enough. She clutched the necklace and note to her chest and laid down on the carpet and started wailing. She put her knees closer to her chest in attempt to curl into a ball.

"Ichigo..." She croaked out in her bouts of wailing, it was good Karou wasn't home today, she wouldn't be able to explain this.

"Come...c.. Come.. Back...to me.." Its like she was pleading him, in her house where no one could see her, she could afford to be the broken hearted woman she was for nearly nine months. She could afford to reveal herself, the tormented and deprived soul she was.

"It... It really... It really doesn't matter... Wha.. What.. We're... Ple... Please come back to me..." She said sobbing her heart out, she couldn't say this to him because he was not here but she hoped for a miracle.

"Can't... Can't... Yo... You see that... That... I.. Can't.. Li... Live without you..." She continued her heartfelt monologue.

"Please... Please come back to me...I need... You... I need you in my... Life" she once again pleaded to him, but he wasn't there.

Why won't he see her? He was alive and well enough to write, was he angry with her? Was it something that she did? Was it the way she treated him? She would repent everything she has ever done to him this instant if it meant his return but she knew no matter how she apologise, she was abandoned and this was probably a pity gift. But she would take it... She would take anything at this moment. The fire that burned inside her heart, that demanded for that orange haired man, she couldn't quench that thirst no matter how engaged she was in work or how involved she was in her son's life. It simply wouldn't let go, like a needle behind her eyes, it always reminded her of her worth, she was abandoned and she destroyed everything she touched, that's why nobody could live with her. She was destined to die alone. The thought scared her but there was nothing she could do. So now when her beloved sent a token, albeit maybe out of pity for her, she would take it. She would take everything related to him. To quench the thirst.

"I...I really don't... Know.. Ho... How to.. Do this... Without... You..." She murmured, now that her sobbing was in control.

"Why.? Why? Why won't you see me..." She asked the question looking at the necklace with pure and unadulterated pain in her eyes. She unmasked everything. Now she was bringing everything outside what she felt inside.

"Please... Please... Come back... Come back to me... I love you..." Ikumi finally admitted to herself out loud.

"Come back... Come back... Come back... Come back..." She involuntarily closed her eyes and started muttering.

"Come back to me... I love you... Come back" she continued.

At last she felt asleep from emotional exhaustion. She was still clutching the note and necklace tightly to her chest.


A/N: Life loves to sucker punch me... About the chapter: I honestly don't know how i feel about this.

About Ichigo: That was a real dick move from Ichigo, you don't kiss a woman silly and then leave her the other day, specially this woman, who has abandonment issues.

A special thanks to all those who reviewed/followed/favourited this story and to the anonymous reader (yes, you! I'm taking to you!)

Shameless self-promotion: If you guys got time, check out my other two stories, they're at preliminary stage, but its about to get a whole lot interesting!