Chapter 137: Lazy Saturday, Part 2
"I am convinced that life is 10 what happens to me and 90 how I react to it." – Charles Swindoll
"I don't know what too much film is, but I do know what's not enough. Not enough is when there are images you want to capture and you're out of film. I never want that to happen to me again." – Forrest H. R. Bard
"It is one thing to photograph people. It is another to make others care about them by revealing the core of their humanness." – Paul Strand
"I…well…yeah…" he stopped and sighed heavily, "but just…later – er – I…well, shit."
She smiled and sat down, "Just because Tom beat you to it doesn't mean you have to ask me Vaughn."
"It's not because of Tom. I do want to…I want you to know that, I just…well, I don't know why I said anything, it's not like I can really ask you now."
"Why not?"
"Um…no ring, no 'on one knee,' no sentiment, no romance, oh yeah, and the groom-to-be is a fucked up mess."
She smiled and was about to dispute that but he started again.
"I just want you to know that I love you and I'm completely committed if that's something you agree with. I don't want to make it all formal right now because…well because of all of this, but I just wanted to tell you."
She smiled, "Ok…and I agree – the commitment part."
"Would you say yes if I asked?"
"Yes, I would."
He grinned like she hadn't seen in a long time. She kissed him several times, the depth of their love and emotions evident on their lips.
Sydney looked at him, "This is completely out of the blue, I realize, but it sort of just popped in my mind, since we were kinda talking about the subject…can I ask – do you want kids Vaughn?"
His eyes got wide, "Uh…are you…"
She smiled, "No. Although I probably should be with all the time you spend…No…the CIA has very effective birth control. I'm just wondering…"
He smiled, slightly relieved, "Yeah Sydney, some day, I do."
"Good," she said, "Me too."
He smiled wider, "I couldn't imagine anyone else having my children…"
She matched his smile, "Ditto." She lay down with him, her head on his shoulder, tilted up to look at him, "I want a little boy with your beautiful green eyes and smile."
"Mmm…I think he should have your brown eyes and dimples."
"Honey, the chances of the kid having dimples are pretty good…"
He chuckled.
"What are we going to name this cute little boy?" Sydney asked.
"Hmm…"
"I think we should name him William after your father." She looked at him to see his reaction.
He was looking down at her in awe, "I…"
"You don't like that?" she asked.
"I do…I just…wow…thank you," he managed to get out.
She smiled, "William Michael," she said in a dreamy tone.
"That sounds really nice Sydney. Really, I can't begin to tell you how much that means to me." He kissed her forehead.
"Well, I like it."
"What happens if we have a girl? A cute little girl that'll look just like her mommy?"
Sydney smiled and then said quietly, "Well, I can tell you her name won't be Irina."
Vaughn hugged Sydney closer, "I'm sorry."
"Don't be, it's ok."
"Skylar," he said.
She turned her head up to him, "Perfect, middle name?"
"Hmm…Michael?"
Sydney giggled, "We're not egotistical…hmm…I want her to have daddy's eyes…a little girl with fiery emerald eyes…Emerald."
"Skylar Emerald, beautiful…what do we do if she has blue or brown eyes?"
"She won't…" she smiled, "Well – there! We named our kids, want to work on world peace next?"
He chuckled, "Maybe we can tackle that one tomorrow."
"Ok…rain check."
He hugged Sydney to him closer; she reacted by snuggling in his arms more. They stayed that way for awhile until Sydney said, "Ok, we have to change…really, we should get dressed."
He chuckled, "Well," he glanced at the clock, "it's lunchtime…I guess we should…"
"What should we have?"
"No clue…"
"Well, I'll go take a look at what we have…" Sydney kissed him quickly and then went out into the kitchen to scour the cupboards for something for lunch.
She went to the refrigerator and saw a note tacked to the door with a little margarita magnet.
"Syd I FINALLY got those pictures developed from like FOREVER AGO…sorry it took so long for me to get them. They're on the table – and there is a SUPER cute one of you and Michael. I was going to bring them in last night, but I thought better of that idea and so, I just left them for you. See you guys later; take it easy today. Love, Fran"
Sydney opened the package and started to flip through the photos. She found the "super cute" one instantly because Francie put it on top. She flipped through the other pictures, some with she and Francie, some with she and Will, even a few adorable ones with Will and Vaughn, and a few group shots too. She too came back to that one picture of Vaughn and her…they'd gone to the park that day, all four of them. It was about a month before he was taken, they'd had a picnic lunch, Will and Vaughn had played basketball for a while; until they all played Frisbee on the grass. It had been one of the most enjoyable days. She remembered how insanely annoying Francie was with all her picture taking, but now, if she'd have lost Vaughn, this could have been the only picture of them together that she'd have.
She took that picture out of the package and placed it on the counter and then walked back to the bedroom, "Pretty much…yeah – if we would just like a nice, simple, light lunch, I can make like…peanut butter and jelly…"
Vaughn smiled, "That sounds wonderful."
"Really?"
"Yeah," he said seriously.
"Ok, I'll be right back with them." Sydney went back out and whipped up two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and grabbed some milk and brought it all back to the bedroom. She went back for the picture and placed it on her side of the bed, on the nightstand, so he really couldn't see it.
They ate their sandwiches fairly quickly and Sydney made sure Vaughn took all his medications.
After she took the dishes out, she came back into the bedroom and grabbed the picture frame that Vaughn had given her for a Christmas. It held a picture of herself and Will and Francie.
"What are you doing?" he asked when she sat back down next to him and proceeded to remove the picture of her friends from the frame.
"Just wait a second," she said as she replaced the picture with the one of her and Vaughn. She presented it to him when she was finished, after she had adjusted it to fit just perfectly in the frame.
"There!" she said as she brought it into his line of view.
He smiled, "That's a nice picture…is that from the picnic?"
"Yeah," she said as she nestled herself down, holding the frame in her hand as she looked at the two of them staring back at her with huge smiles on their faces.
"Did I ever tell you I got hauled in for this frame?"
Sydney sat up quickly, "What? NO! WHY?"
"Haladki reported me to Barnett because he said I was too emotionally attached to you…so I had to go talk to Barnett and I tried to pummel the weasel in the hallway afterwards, Weiss had to pull me off…"
"Really?"
"Yeah," he said with a cocky grin.
"What did Barnett ask you?"
"If my relationship with you was appropriate."
"Wow."
"Yeah, I didn't take it well…" he stopped and then added, "Of course, I didn't try to kill her that time."
"You wanna talk about it now?"
He looked at her, watched her eyes looking for signs of disapproval, but all he saw was love.
He looked down, "I…I didn't feel anything…just pure rage…I didn't feel any pain until later."
"Adrenaline does that."
He nodded and then shook his head, "I had my hands around her throat Sydney." He closed his eyes tightly and then opened them again.
"What made you stop?" she asked.
"Barnett asked me if I liked the power. If I liked it that she couldn't stop me…it just made me realize what I was doing…all the adrenaline just vanished, like that," he accentuated by snapping his fingers.
"What made you that mad?"
"She just kept up more of the same…more extreme…mind games."
"About?"
He met her eyes.
"Me?" she asked.
He nodded.
"What did she say?"
He thought a minute about how far he wanted to take this, about how much he wanted to tell her. In truth, he really didn't want to think about it anymore, but if he didn't admit it, it might haunt him forever. Who was he kidding? Even if he told her, the images would still haunt him. Did she really need to know? Did she really need to hear it?
"Vaughn?"
He looked at her again, "I don't think you really need to know."
"I can handle it Vaughn. I would like to know what made you snap."
He wrangled with what to tell her for a minute.
"Was it about torture?" she asked.
He met her eyes and nodded.
"Your torture?"
"Indirectly…but not really."
"It was about me though."
He nodded again.
She thought a moment and then thought out loud, "About me…indirect torture…" she looked at him, "Like role reversal?"
Acknowledgement flashed in his eyes, "Yeah…" she continued to amaze him.
She took his hand, "Tell me…don't be scared, you're not gonna scare me…just talk to me."
He looked down, "Why do you wanna know? This is like when I used to tell you about what happened to me. Then you just have to live with it too…"
"I'm going to tell you the same thing I told you then; I did not experience it first hand, it's not going to affect me the same way. I'd really like for you to tell me."
"It's not really something–"
"Vaughn?"
"Yeah?"
"This is the same thing like the torture – if you don't talk about it–"
"I won't get past it."
"Right," she said smiling.
He nodded and took a deep breath, "Ok."
She put up her hand and sat up, pulling her shirt over her head and threw it over in the corner. Her pants followed and then she uncovered him and took his shirt and pants off as well, throwing them in the same pile.
"Are we getting dressed first?" he asked quietly.
"No, we're getting undressed…" Sydney informed him.
She pulled him over to her again, getting under the covers and making sure she could still hold him and look him in the eyes.
"Ok, go ahead," she instructed.
He snuggled into her closely, "She used you to make me snap, the role reversal, in detail…stuff like…'what could they do to a beautiful woman.' Stuff like that."
Sydney looked down at him, "What stuff – tell me."
He averted her eyes, but she pulled him back, forcing him to look at her, "She…she had me imagine, suggested things they could have done if our roles were switched."
"Like what Vaughn?" she pressed gently.
He sighed, feeling the tightness in his chest mount, "Like…having me imagine all the horrible things…images, sounds…"
"What Vaughn."
"Like imagining that they raped you," he blurted out, somewhat surprised himself.
She held him tighter, "It's ok…keep going."
"Like imagining them enjoy it, laugh about it."
"Yeah."
"Or imagining that we were both taken and forcing me…" he stopped.
"What Vaughn?"
"Forcing me to watch."
"What else?"
"Suggesting who would be doing it…"
"Who?"
He refused to answer that, "Asking me if I could hear you calling my name, begging for them to stop, begging for them not to make me watch."
"What made you snap Michael?"
"She asked if you were enjoying it…and if…" he broke off; tears springing to his eyes as he relived it, as the rage started to slowly build again.
She could see the changes taking place in him, from an almost descriptive phase to a much more personal one.
"Shh…what Michael…it's ok…just relax…what made you snap?"
"Sloane participating…that image…I just…I lost it…I still," he closed his eyes, "I can see his face, hear him…I just…I…the thought…" he shuddered and broke down again, crying in her arms.
She whispered to him quietly, telling him that everything was ok, that he was safe and that they were both going to be all right.
