I don't own Harry Potter, which is a shame really but alas all rights etc belong to JK Rowling

Chapter 5

Breakfast at Salazar's

Pranks, the barstardised term for a practical joke is just that, a joke. Like all jokes sometimes they are loud and make a statement but often the best are subtle earning a wry grin. Slapstick humour is crude and poor, it speaks to a poor mind, a low level of creativity and brain that isn't firing on all cylinders. Thus anyone who just hexes a kid then laughs and calls it a prank is a fool. The marauders weren't fools; neither were their heirs. That's why Archer took advantage of Draco Malfoy's poor night's sleep, he never noticed the spells hitting shrinking his trousers and enlarging his robes. Jokes come in several varieties, often jokes require a butt. This person is often some faceless person from the media, sometimes it's a person you know. When it's a friend its laughed off but when you don't like the person its borderline bullying.

Archer made his way into the common room first of all the boys and was surprised to meet a certain stone faced Miss Greengrass. "Why hello there Daffy dearest. Are you here to escort me to breakfast?"

"Get over yourself Pittman." She drawled, "No but I do need to you as regrettable as that is."

"How can I be of service my most cheery and welcoming friend."

"I need to talk to Potter." Daphne said clearly struggling to hold back any biting comments about how familiar he was being.

"Oh, you don't really want to talk to him do you? Its commonly accepted I'm far more attractive. It's the eyes isn't it. Something about those emerald eyes if I wasn't me I'd complain its not fair, but then again I'm me and I'm already too brilliant for it to be fair to anyone else."

"I don't want to talk to Potter, I need to." Daphne was clearly not appreciating how this conversation was going. So Archer played one final card that he knew would annoy her and doing so would please his twisted mind.

"I just have to check you know, he is quite famous and your 'need' comes across a little desperate even for a clear fangirl such as yourself." Looks can kill in the magical world so it was quite lucky for Archer he was faced with a furious teenage girl not another basilisk.

"If you weren't going to be useful to me I'd hurt you for that, champion dueller or not."

"Champion indeed, its nice to know I'm appreciated and understood." Archer said grinning at the girl who'd been so impassive the night before blow a gasket.

"Pittman get Potter to talk to me or we'll see you pee with certain body parts removed." Daphne spat.

Archer flinched, "Gees Greengrass, there are some things we don't joke about."

"Who said I was joking." She replied icily.

"Well I guess you should escort me to breakfast now since I doubt you want the other Slytherins knowing about this talk?" Archer asked and Daphne turned and walked towards the exit of the common room. He followed hoping that she was leading him to breakfast and not simply somewhere with no witnesses. As they neared the Hall Archer spoke up, "If you want some privacy for your 'talk' you might want wait in that room" he said pointing towards the antechamber he and Harry had waited in before the sorting. "As much as I'd love to listen in I have a Malfoy to break."

"I'll do it. What exactly are you going to do with the Blonde ponce now?" Daphne asked torn between curiosity and horror. Archer's face lit up with a predatory smile.

"Well, his family seems to mean a lot to him and he wants to flaunt how powerful they are. Imagine the situation that where someone points out it looks like little Draco's parents couldn't buy new robes each year so had to buy ones with room for growth."

"Cruel perhaps but having had to endure that prat almost daily for the past two years its nice to see him brought to his knees." Archer smirked.

"Go, wait in there, I'll send him in a bit. I'll make sure no one knows who he's meeting.

Harry arrived about ten minutes later having had his best friend hiss some parseltounge to him by way of greeting before said friend invited Neville to sit with him at the Slytherin table to watch the morning's entertainment. Daphne had grown nervous with nothing to do but stand and stew about what was about to happen. Harry saw her as he walked in, he tried not to be shy, it was normally Archer's job to handle introductions and break the ice. This girl looked like ice in several ways from the cold look to the fine and fragile bones that looked like they would be shattered if she actually had to work. Harry did think that she would look truly beautiful in a few years. "Erm, Hello?" He started, internally cursing such a weak opening.

"Hello Harry Potter, I'm Daphne Greengrass" the girl replied, Harry wasn't sure what to make of this, Archer hadn't given any details and he had little patience for the politics and games Slytherins enjoy.

"Call me Harry, can I ask why my friend told me to meet you in here?"

"Well Harry I guess you might as well call me Daphne; I'll explain it in time but it requires a bit of history first."

Harry sighed, well I suppose we'd best sit. With that he pulled out his wand and conjured a wingback for himself before glancing at her "Do you want anything or can you do it yourself?" He asked hoping that it would come across polite not condescending.

"Please." She answered giving nothing away, she sat down in the simple leather chair he'd conjured for her not knowing her favourite style. "Were to begin, I guess I'll start by giving a bit of history on the Greengrass family. The Greengrass family has been well known for years for producing canny lawyers, my father and uncle have both followed into the family business. My father married my mother straight out of school much like your parents. My mother was actually a close friend of your mother's and Professor Snape."

"Sirius told me my mum had been friends with Snape, I'd never really heard anyone else say that, McGonagall always avoided the topic. I've just been told the man is a git." Harry said as she paused.

"Be that as it may, our parents were close though not many people knew this. The Potter's as a family have always been known for their survival skills, really quite impressive when most of you have been sorted into Gryffindor. Anyway your family is well known for series of protective enchantments that kept your family safe." Daphne paused again, looking to build the will to get to the big bit.

"Right." Harry said not really sure where this was going, "so you want me to use my family magic to protect you?"

"No" Daphne answered quickly, "Firstly, I doubt you've had much time at Potter manor to learn, I heard you were whisked off to the continent to avoid the public eye. Mainly however I'm in no need. Your family magic already protects me."

"Okay as strange as that is I assume it was a present to your parents or something, what has this got to do with me?" Harry asked curious now.

"Well, its to do with how the magic is fixed. I'm not a Potter so my blood wouldn't act as an anchor for the magic, merely casting the spells on me would have worn of years ago. No when my parents found they were pregnant with me they immediately started working to keep me safe, a dark lord on the loose and I was always likely to be a Slytherin I could be in peril, so my parents cooked up a crazy plan and my mother and yours got together and your family agreed."

"What are you saying?" Harry asked feeling that this was big.

"Bare in mind what was agreed was before we were even born so don't blame me like I blamed you for years,"

"Blamed me for what?" Harry interjected panicking now.

"Well my family wanted to protect me, your family had a history in protective enchantments and spells. Being close friends the worked out a way round the issue of me not being a Potter."

"Oh no," Harry spluttered working out where this might be going. "So how do we cancel it and get back our freedom?" Trying his best to avoid saying exactly what he suspected had happened.

"Oh no indeed, I haven't got to the worst bit yet though." Harry blanched but didn't say anything. "As I'm sure you've worked out we were betrothed by a contract my father wrote before we were born, this acted my making me a Potter-to-be and the contract could anchor the protective spells. Now it was never meant to last, from what I have been told our parents would have been delighted if we'd gone through with it voluntarily, they built the simplest contract they could hoping to avoid any strange loopholes. The contract simply can be dissolved if the heads of our families or our parents agreed to dissolve it before you as the elder party became an adult at which point we'd be locked in. Of course before you ask it is magically binding, how else could they use it as a magical anchor? Anyway at the time the head of your family was your grandfather meaning at the time there were three people able to dissolve the contract from your side the moment we met someone we wanted to get close to.

As you have probably realised, and I do not mean this to be so harsh but none of those people are alive anymore. The only other person is the head of House Potter. Unfortunately, though as the last Potter you can and will become the next head when you reach your majority. For you to dissolve the contract you'd have to become an adult which would unfortunately lock us in. Your parents realised He-who-must-not-be-named was after you and your family went into hiding about a year after you were born. They made contact with my parents to organise dissolving the contract to avoid the situation we're currently in, you see they couldn't leave their house and get a copy to sign and send, my parents would have to go to yours. Unfortunately, they didn't visit before Halloween and the whole of Britain knows what happened then."

"Shit." Surmised Harry.

"Shit indeed." Confirmed Daphne although the vulgar language seemed strange coming from someone so clearly cultured.

"Where do we go from here?" Harry asked, his mind reeling as he started to comprehend the implications. "How long have you known, while I was pratting about on the continent have you had to sit here and dread what me returning meant?"

"I don't know, we'll have to figure it out together and for years. For years my parents were able to explain away the protective spells as accidental magic but when someone tried to kidnap me a few years ago in revenge for something my father had done, well they found what was left of him when I woke up and they came clean. I could assume that the reason for you surviving the killing curse is related to the layering of Potter spells and sacrifices on you that night regardless of Dumbledore spreading it was purely the love of your mother. While I don't doubt she loved you, it would surprise me if no other mothers died for their children in the thousand years or so the Killing curse has been around and we've never heard of another survivor. I believe that your father died with the intent to protect you and your mother passing on the spells to you and her, she did the same resulting in a huge stack, while it would likely have settled down shortly after at the time you were cursed you had more protections than Hogwarts and Gringotts combined. Knowing that it keeps me safe I hate the situation but at times I have been thankful of you."

"errm would you mind if I look at the contract, it's not that I don't believe you, you don't seem any happier with this than I am but I'd like to see what it is that's stuck us together?" Harry asked wondering how much this would change his life, he hadn't ever had a girlfriend and now here was one of the biggest choices in a person's life taken away from him.

"I'd expect nothing less. We're going to have to make this work at some point and while I don't expect anything from you please try and be considerate of me." Daphne requested which Harry thought was fair enough, there was no point causing resentment when they were both trapped in this. "The only choice you have to make now is if you're going to let this become public, a few Slytherins know I'm betrothed but no-one but me knows to whom."

This wasn't strictly true. In fact, though they weren't certain Neville, Tracey and Archer had worked it out for themselves. Neville had accepted Archer's offer to sit at the Slytherin table being the first Gryffindor in years to brave dinning with the snakes. Archer introduced him to Tracey when she arrived asking after Daphne, though they had been schooled together for the last couple of years and knew of each other they had barely conversed at all.

Archer had turned to Tracey sitting opposite and asked "So Tracey, not that you're not worth talking about but I have a few questions about Daphne."

"No she won't go out with you, no you don't have a shot and yes she is always that cold to people, or at least outside of the dorms or holidays."

"Ouch, I can feel you stepping all over my pride there." Archer said wincing.

"Well its nothing personal, I'd say last night's performance endeared you to her as much as its possible for her. Daphne has always told me she's tied into some medieval style betrothal contract. Its been out of fashion with her family for centuries but she's got one and won't tell me who."

"How interesting, what would you say if I said she cornered me this morning demanding to talk to Harry about something, not saying what but she said she 'needed' to."

"No way, you think?"

"it makes some sense don't you think?"

"Merlin."

At this point Neville was slightly confused. It seemed they thought Harry was betrothed to the Hogwarts Ice Queen. "Guys you know us Gryffs can be a tad slow at times but do you really think that our Harry and the Ice Queen, well, you know?"

Archer and Tracey looked at each other and nodded, turning back to Neville "We do," they replied simultaneously. Neville's draw dropped.

Archer turned to Tracey, "Well you can't say things haven't been interesting since we arrived."

Before Tracey could comment Malfoy arrived. He was tired and grouchy and as he made his way towards his regular seat he noticed something was wrong, very wrong. A Gryffindor was in his seat, the squib Longbottom of all people. That was simply unacceptable. Storming over he simply demanded of those nearby "What is this? Why is this lion squib in my place?"

Archer spoke for the group "Good morning Drakey Wakey, though it looks like you need to be a bit more awake. You of all people know Squibs can't be enrolled in Hogwarts therefore can't be sorted into Gryffindor therefore cannot be found in your seat." He turned to Tracey and whispered loud enough for everyone to hear, "Is it just me or did he buy his robes with room to grow? I'd have thought with all he said about the Malfoy's they could have afforded clothes that fit."

Tracey gave Malfoy a once over and noticed his socks showing. Whispering back in the not subtle at all way she said "Look at his trousers, I reckon he must have outgrown them months ago."

Malfoy was fuming but looking down he noticed everything they were saying was true, his clothes didn't fit, he was only one step above a Weasley, the only thing missing was patches. He suddenly became aware of half the house watching him, realising he looked nothing like a powerful, rich (though in him mind they were the same thing.) pureblood heir should look he turned and fled back to the dungeons to change.

"I think you might already have won." Neville said smiling. It was then he noticed that none of the other Slytherins had said anything about him sitting with them. Either they were a lot less bigoted than the other Gryffindors said or Archer had already earnt enough respect they wouldn't question him bringing Neville over, either way it made him think of them in a new light. At this point Harry came over and sat down on his other side.

"Hey Alpha, congratulations. May I introduce you to the charming Miss Tracey Davis" Archer said with a lopsided smirk that Harry knew meant he was loving every moment of Harry's discomfort.

"Thank you Toxin, though I must ask, how'd you know? Daphne and I just agreed not to tell anyone."

"Well don't worry, we Slytherins know the value of secrets, we won't tell, not when we can hold it over you and Nev's an adorable puppy, he won't tell he's too loyal to his friends." Neville wasn't sure if this was a compliment or an insult but he was just going to enjoy the part where he had friends, something he was lacking at Hogwarts. It wasn't that he didn't like his housemates it was more they never had time for him. At this point Daphne arrived and one look at Tracey and Archer's smirks and she knew they knew.

"Daffy darling, congratulation, now may I introduce you to the first Gryffindor I've ever heard of brave enough to eat with those of us in green and silver, I present to you Neville Longbottom." Archer said making her twitch slightly at being referred to as 'Daffy darling'.

"Hello Longbottom, it's nice to meet you outside of class. Pittman, I recall an earlier conversation about your anatomy and your wishes to keep it attached." Turning to Harry she added "How do they know?"

"I don't know; I haven't got that far yet." Harry replied, he turned to his best friend, "So, care to enlighten me."

"Not really, you need to at least try to work it out, if I gave it to you for free you might get complacent relying on my brilliance alone."

Well since Miss Davis, Miss Davis call me Harry by the way, well since Miss Davis' grin matches your own I assume she had something to do with this."

"Correct so far Harry, call me Tracey" replied Tracey.

"I would assume that Tracey would want something from you Archer or else she wouldn't have been willing to sit near you?"

"Ouch why would you assume that my dear friend you wound me" Archer said clutching his hands over his heart. "You hurt me Harry, you hurt me in here."

"Well I assume she meet you last night and I would describe you as an acquired taste. Since Daphne has sat next to Tracey I can only surmise they're friends meaning she likely knew from Daphne about the existence of a contract?"

"He's good Pittman," Tracey said turning back to Harry "So you knowing him knew he would blab to me about your meeting once I mentioned the contract. Neville was here for moral support and to look cute, which I must say he did a great job of and so he heard our deductions."

"I've not been able to get rid of him since we were seven. I guess in that time I started to pick up on a few of his habits."

"you've known him almost half your life and you haven't killed him?" Daphne asked, "I've known him less than twenty-four hours and I'm already sick of him."

"Oh Daffy dearest, you keep me around to make things interesting. Anyway you can't hate me, I'll be the best man at your wedding." Archer answered.

"Neville the job's yours if you want it" Harry added shutting his friend down. "If he calls Daphne Daffy once more I reckon she'll snap."

"You lot have broken her, she never used to show this many emotions, oh and Harry Neville said Archer has nearly won after Malfoy stormed out." Tracey said.

Harry turned to his brother in all but blood and looked slightly shocked, "Already?"

Archer kept chewing on his breakfast thinking how best to explain how easy it was. Finally swallowing he simply stated "He's fragile."

At this point Professor Snape came round handing out timetables. "Potter, Longbottom, what exactly are you doing here, I wasn't under the impression this was your house?"

Neville looked ready to wet himself but Harry answered for him, "We were invited to dine here, someone thought it would be nice."

Archer picking up where this was going joined in, "We're just promoting inter-house unity Professor, surely you approve?"

Snape felt backed into a corner especially as other members of staff were within earshot. "Very well, I expect however you to conduct yourselves with grace and dignity as befits anyone who sits at this table." Snape drawled with a look over towards the youngest Weasley male whose breakfast was clearly visible both down his front and in his open mouth. Watching the boy eat made Snape feel a tad ill so he looked back to his own house and continued handing out timetables.

"So Alpha what have we got first?"

Before Harry could reply Tracey butted in "That's the second time you've called him that, care to explain?"

"Not really" and with that Tracey dropped it not wanting to come across in anyway similar to the Granger girl.

"Anyway, we've got transfiguration with Minnie first." Harry answered.

"That's not right, we've got charms with Flitwick?" Neville asked looking at his own timetable that McGonagall and just dropped off.

"Ah we won't be in your spell work classes, McGonagall persuaded Dumbledore to advance us a bit, it seemed pointless since we have O. in charms, defence and transfiguration." Harry answered looking down a tad. He was proud of his achievements but didn't want anyone to fell put out.

"How did you manage that?" Tracey asked.

"Well," started Archer, "the short answer is we studied hard and sat them. The longer answer is we have been studying a bit longer than most people and mostly had tutors. When the class is only two you can move a lot quicker. The French believe that the restriction on underage magic is silly and interfering, they think it's the parent's responsibility to look after their family not the government. Something I happen to agree with. Either way between that and some Black family secrets we started learning much younger than most. With private tutoring and starting younger is it any surprise we're a little ahead. Don't worry you won't miss us much we'll have plenty of classes together so you will get your Archer fix ladies."

"Oh." Was all Tracey could manage before they all started to grab their bags and leave. Having only been in the castle one night it was perhaps no surprise when they were a little late to the first class. Knowing Minnie was a stickler for punctuality they hoped they could make a quiet entrance but alas it was not to be. Some pompous git had to ask if they were lost before asking McGonagall if, in his capacity as head-boy, he should escort them to where they were meant to be.

"Mr Weasley, I happen to know they are exactly where they are meant to be." She rounded on the boys "However they were meant to be here ten minutes ago."

"But Professor, this is a seventh year class, they are third years?" the Weasley continued.

"Mr Weasley, do you presume to know more than me?" McGonagall asked, lips thinning which the boys having known her so long knew meant trouble.

"Err no Professor I just don't understand what they are doing here." McGonagall thought she knew the best solution.

"Boys please demonstrate something for mister Weasley that shows why you should be here." She knew Harry would have no problem so when pulled out his wand and conjured a desk and chairs for himself before transforming it into a Labrador and back she wasn't surprised. McGonagall turned expectantly to Archer but upon seeing his smirk the tried to stop him knowing that, that smirk means trouble. "And Mr Pittman's conjuration in the Hall last night ought to offer enough proof of his abilities."

"Oh Minnie, don't be silly I don't mind," and with a wave of a hand the turned the head-boy into a duck which promptly quacked in indignation.

"Professor McGonagall," she sighed "now Mr Pittman would you be so kind as to return Mr Weasley to his natural state."

"But he's so much more pleasant like this?" That comment lead to more quacking so Harry took pity on the young man and cancelled the spell. The class was torn between shock at the display or amused. The general consensus however what that Percy Weasley was far more likeable as a duck. Said boy was spluttering to himself.

"Now that will be ten points from each of you from your lateness, another five from Mr Pittman for cheek. However, ten points to each of you for well performed transfiguration." The boys sat relieved they had escaped so lightly.