Chapter 149: "The Pier"
"This art of resting the mind and the power of dismissing from it all care and worry is probably one of the secrets of energy in our great men." – Captain J. A. Hadfield
"Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are." – Chinese Proverb
"Sometimes the most important thing in a whole day is the rest we take between two deep breaths." – Etty Hillesum
"What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expected generally happens." – Benjamin Disraeli
Sydney smiled at Vaughn, "We'll finish later if you feel like it…k?"
He nodded and accepted the kiss that she planted on his lips. She got up and walked to the door and opened it to see a smiling Dr. Barnett.
"Hello Sydney…how are you doing?"
"Good, come in." Sydney said as she stepped aside.
"How is Michael? Is he feeling better?"
"Yeah, he's much better…he was sore…and his shoulder is still bad…but he's doing better…and he's talking more."
"That's wonderful," Barnett said honestly.
"He's in the usual spot…although pretty soon he should be able to come out on the couch or something…"
"That's fine," Barnett said nodding.
Sydney motioned for her to follow her and walked into the bedroom. Barnett sat down in the chair and Sydney gave Vaughn a quick kiss before smiling and walking out, shutting the door on her way, and giving him a reassuring smile and a motion that said 'I'll be right out here.' He smiled and then looked over at Barnett.
"How are you doing today Michael?"
He offered her a shaky smile, "I'm ok…"
"I want you to know before we start, that I don't blame you for anything that happened in our last session, alright?"
He looked over at her, an unsure glance in his eyes.
She smiled, "Name one emotion you're feeling right now…"
Vaughn thought a moment, "I guess…nervousness?"
"Why are you nervous?" Barnett asked.
"Um…because the last time I saw you, I tried to murder you…" he said with a sigh.
Barnett didn't seem fazed, "Why did you try to murder me?"
"Because I lost control of my emotions."
"Why did you lose control of your emotions?" she asked.
"Because you kept asking me to imagine all those horrible things about Sydney…"
"And that made you angry? Made you lose control?"
Vaughn clarified, "The thought of her being hurt did, hurting Sydney makes me angry."
Barnett asked, "So if I hadn't said anything about Sydney, do you think you would've lost control?"
"If you used something else instead?"
"Yes," Barnett said nodding.
Vaughn thought a moment, and a few more passed.
"I take it your silence means no? What about your mother? Would you have lost control if I would have used her instead?"
"Yeah, if you would have used my mother, I would have been just as angry."
"So is it only when I used loved ones? Or would you have gotten just as angry if I'd used a random person?"
"Well, I don't have feelings for random people – not in the same way, so yeah, I guess just loves ones…someone I care about…"
Barnett regrouped, "Obviously you're not as emotionally connected to a random person, but you wouldn't lose control to just think about someone else being violated like that? You think you'd be emotionless hearing about it happening to someone else while sitting around with Agent Weiss in the rotunda? Or reading about such a thing in a newspaper? Seeing a report on the news?"
"I wouldn't be emotionless no, I would have strong feelings about it," he thought a moment, "I don't think I'd attack someone over it…"
"So, you'd only attack if you felt that someone you loved was being threatened like that?" Barnett asked.
Vaughn backpedaled, "Well...no, I'd attack someone if I felt strongly enough about the subject matter...like if I felt a child was being threatened I'd step in…"
"And you somehow see that as being wrong? That you should be nervous around a person who threatened you like that?"
Vaughn sat puzzled, "Uh…well…no…"
"That's my point, Michael. If someone threatened your loved ones, you'd react in a completely natural way. There's nothing wrong with your reaction, it's completely human to react that way. The only thing that is wrong is that you somehow feel guilty for being human."
Vaughn restated, "But I still tried to strangle you over an imaginary situation."
"Did it feel imaginary to you?" Barnett asked.
Vaughn stopped, thinking, "Well…no, not at all, it was very real."
"So you reacted like a normal person would…"
Vaughn's brow furrowed, "Hmm…well…yeah…I guess so."
"Which means you don't have to be nervous around me," Barnett said softly, and with a smile.
Vaughn looked over at her, and genuinely smiled back, took a deep breath, and nodded, "Ok."
Barnett smiled widely at him, "Good…"
She let him take a minute before she said, "Let's try an exercise…"
Vaughn looked up at her and nodded.
"Close your eyes," Barnett said.
Vaughn complied.
"I want you to listen to my voice," Barnett said in a soothing tone, "Concentrate on your breathing…breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth…" she was silent for a moment as she monitored him complying with her request.
"Take a deep breath…" she said slowly, "and picture whatever makes you happiest…"
She let him think a moment, although she had a pretty good idea what he was thinking about, "Keep the picture in you mind as you're breathing in…exhale…and let go of all your worry…so you're left with only the happy thought…"
"Inhale…think about where you are with her…"
Vaughn smiled, Barnett totally knew what he was picturing…
"Think about your favorite place to go with her…" She stopped, letting him think a while.
Vaughn's mind flashed with images of Sydney…things they'd done…places they'd gone…many of the ones they'd talked about a few days before came running in and out. He tried to focus on one…and the one that kept popping up, perhaps because they'd just talked about it, was the beach…the pier…
Barnett watched him, noticing the smile that crept across his face.
"Breathe out…no worries…perfect happiness…perfect bliss…breathe in…imagine the scenery…what is she wearing? Are you standing? Sitting? Look around you…what do you see on the right? Left? What else is around? Do you hear any sounds?" She stopped, watching him as he started to breathe by himself, without her suggestions, watching as the calm spread over his body and features.
She let him revel in the silence, in the peace of just breathing and contented thinking for several minutes, before softly saying, "Michael…"
His features registered her voice.
"Keep breathing…inhale – happy, calm, blissful thoughts…exhale – worries, troubles…focus on that one happy thought…that's all that's there…breathe in through your nose…and out through your mouth…good…" she waited several more minutes, "Ok…open your eyes…"
He opened them and looked over at her and smiled softly, "That was nice," he said quietly.
Barnett smiled, "Good…" she paused, letting him return back to full consciousness, "From now on, most sessions…I'm going to give you some type of homework…"
"Homework?" he asked.
She smiled, "Yes…homework that will help facilitate your recovery along with the sessions…"
"Ok," he said.
"What we just did – the breathing exercise…you can do that on your own…to help calm you down if you're ever feeling angry…or scared…anything…you can always go there, it's a safe place Michael, a place where no one can touch you…"
"Wish I would have had that before…"
"How do you feel?"
He smiled, "Really relaxed…calm…peaceful, it's nice…"
Barnett smiled, "I'm glad…" she waited another minute and then started up again, "Your homework for next time, is simple…I want you to name your place…the place you just went, give it a name, any name you want that will remind you of what just happened here…"
"I just have to come up with a name?" he asked.
"They won't all be that easy Michael…You can tell me the name during the next session, we'll start out with that…" she got up, "We're done for today…you did a good job today Michael."
"Thank you…"
She smiled and got up, reached the door and said, "I'll see you on Wednesday Michael…" she opened the door and stepped out and then peeked her head back in, "Oh, and Michael?"
"Yeah?" he said, his attention on the door.
She smiled, "Don't name your place 'Sydney.'"
He chuckled, "Ok…I'll try to be more creative…"
She smiled and walked out.
Sydney looked up from the kitchen table where she had a few files spread out, when Barnett walked past.
"Goodbye Sydney…see you Wednesday…"
"Bye Dr. Barnett…"
She watched Barnett walk out the door and then went to the bedroom.
Vaughn's eyes were closed and he seemed oddly calm considering he'd just had therapy.
"Vaughn?" she asked softly.
He opened his eyes and smiled, "Hi."
She smiled back, "Hey…must have went…better today?"
"Yeah…really well…"
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"That's great…you wanna tell me what you talked about?" she asked.
He smiled, "Well…it was sort of odd, but I really don't feel nervous around her anymore…she has this knack for explaining things…I suppose that's why she's the therapist…" he smiled, and then continued, "She made me see that I had a normal reaction to someone threatening you…a human reaction," he said, his smile widening.
Sydney couldn't help but smile with him, "I'm so happy for you honey…"
He added, "Then we did this really cool breathing exercise…"
Sydney's face registered the knowledge, "Ahh…that would be why you look so relaxed…"
"Yeah, it was great…" he admitted.
"What did you do? If you don't mind me asking."
He smiled, "I don't mind."
"Ok," she said, "Just checking…because you don't have to tell me everything…you can just say you don't want to…"
"Yeah, ok…but…well…first we just concentrated on breathing, and then I was supposed to think of the one thing that made me the happiest," he smiled looking to her.
She smiled back and looked at him bashfully, "You thought of me?" she asked.
"Yeah, of course I thought of you…"
"Aww…Vaughn," she said leaning over and kissing him.
He greedily accepted her kiss before he continued, "It was really calming…I'm supposed to do that if I start to get upset…and my homework–"
"You have homework?" she asked interrupting.
"Yeah, I have to name my happy place for next time."
"What are you going to name it?" Sydney asked.
Vaughn chuckled, "Well, Barnett already told me that I couldn't name it 'Sydney.'"
Sydney burst out laughing, "She knew you picked me?"
"Yeah, I think I'm rather transparent…perhaps it was the whole 'snapping' over you thing…" he said with a grin.
"Did you think of a name?"
"Not really…I gotta think about it more…"
"Ok, honey…" she leaned down, "Want help?" she asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Absolutely…"
