December – Part 6

KPOV

We're both acting like over excited kids as we drive down to the coast, surfing through the radio stations on Haze's ancient car stereo and singing along to cheesy pop songs. Peeta's singing is truly awful and off-key, and has us both in fits of laughter.

It's cold at the beach but it's a clear bright day and I love the seaside on wintery days like this when you've practically got the whole beach to yourself. There are a few dog walkers and one family flying a kite but that's about it, otherwise the place is ours. Peeta is wearing the beanie I made for him, and I'm glad now that I deliberated for hours over which wool to buy. I wanted something soft but not so much so that it wouldn't hold its shape and it took ages to decide on the exact shade of blue. Now that I see it with a few blonde curls escaping from the edges and the way it seems to emphasize the blue of his eyes I know I made the right choice. He's so bloody good looking its almost criminal, and despite the glorious view of the sun dancing on the cold winter sea I find myself watching him most. Holding my hand and wearing a big boyish smile, his tics are almost non-existent. There's merely the motion that looks like he's swallowing hard, which is barely noticeable.

We walk a long way down the beach and find a secluded sunny spot on the rocks out of the chill of the wind. I sit on Peeta's lap and we make out like a couple of horny teenagers for hours. I'm literally one second away from straddling him and fucking him right there on the beach - I've already started to undo his fly - when a couple of dogs with their owner come and sniff us out.

Chuckling we call it a day and head back up the beach with me happily snuggled under the warmth of his arm that is slung about my shoulders.

I'm surprised to see a pub open on the seafront but it has a sign outside saying Open Boxing Day and states food is being served, so I suggest we go in. I see the immediate change in Peeta's face at my suggestion, a tension slipping into his previously relaxed features, but he agrees.

It's much busier inside than I expected. There's a folk band playing in one corner of the pub and a crowd of people standing at the bar drinking, but there are still a few tables free for food.

"Why don't you grab a table and I'll get us some drinks?" I offer.

"No. I'll buy you a drink," Peeta insists, his tone so adamant that you'd think we were discussing something of much greater significance than a just beer.

As I slide into a seat and watch Peeta make his way to the bar, I see the upward jut of his chin becoming increasingly more pronounced. He has to squeeze his way through the crowd to get to the bar and ends up with his fingers pressed to his lips. I have an almost overwhelming urge to rush up there to help him out, but Peeta is a big boy, he's been living with Tourette's a long time, this isn't the first time he's been in a bar. He's been doing this without me for years, but I still have a desperate desire to protect him from the unwanted attention he's attracting.

I don't so much hear Peeta over the music, as see the reaction of the people around him who have just witnessed one of his outbursts. Peeta hurriedly says something to the barmaid, his hands held up in peace and apology. She nods, but her face is still unsmiling. He leans forward to say something else and then she laughs and pats his hand as she looks over in my direction.

He comes back with two bottles of beer and a packet of crisps. "I hope you don't mind, I ordered some food," he says as he sits down. "The kitchen was just closing so I ordered two sausage and mash, it was pretty much all they had left."

"That's fine with me," I tell him, as I grab the crisps and pull the packet open. "What did you say to the barmaid?"

Peeta blinks and nods awkwardly. "Oh, you noticed. I…I called her a fucking slut."

"No, not that. Afterwards, when she was laughing."

"I asked her to take pity on me. That I was here with this gorgeous girl and I was never going to make it past the first date if I couldn't even manage to buy her a drink," he says, avoiding my eyes as he helps himself to some crisps. I notice his cheeks and the top of his ears turn a delicate pink as he talks.

I narrow my eyes at him, but he continues to avoid my gaze. I feel he's missed something out of his story, but at the same time I'm distracted by something else he said. "First date?"

"We've never really been out," he shrugs.

"What about the bi-centennial bash?"

"That didn't count, that was before." His ears and cheeks grow a little darker.

I guess he's right, and I know he means 'before' we started sleeping together but I almost feel that if we had been out before yesterday it still wouldn't have been a date. It would have just been us going somewhere before we went back to Peeta's place. I didn't allow myself to consider that Peeta wanted to take me on a date, but the importance he seemed to place on buying me drink a few moments ago makes me think that perhaps he has done for sometime. I feel guilty that he didn't feel he could ask. "I'm sorry, I was just broke when I first started working at the café. I was trying to save every last penny to go away and I guess, to begin with, I just really wanted to get you home and into bed as quickly as possible, as often as possible."

"That's not how you feel any more? I don't know if I should be offended," he smiles, but his voice sounds off, and his joke is accompanied by an awkward tic that makes his eyes blink and chin jut.

"No," I realise. "No, I don't think it is." I chew my lip as I mull over my revelation. Peeta's smile wanes and he looks wary.

"FISH!" His chin jerks as he expels the word, garnering us a few glances from the tables about us.

"The travel journal was a lovely idea, really it was. But I…I don't think that I can use it. Not now."

Peeta stares at me with an ashen face and wide eyes like he can't believe what I'm saying. Shit! I suppose it's possible that sounded like the beginning of a breakup speech. I quickly try to explain, "I don't want a travel journal because I don't think I want to go travelling, not right now anyway. I don't want to go to Australia. I think I'd like to stay here." I swallow, "with you."

"Stay?" He still looks bewildered like he hasn't quite understood what I'm trying to tell him.

I nod, a nervous churning in my stomach. "Here with you, if that's what you want."

"God yes, I just begged the woman at the bar to take pity on me 'cause I've met the woman I want to marry but I don't stand a chance in convincing her if I can't even get through the first date!" His cheeks burn with a ferocious heat the second his rushed words end and his head seems to catch up with what his mouth just said. His chin jerks and he tries to continue, "I mean…FUCKING AUSTRALIA… I was just joking FUCK to, you know, get the barmaid to stop hating me." Peeta is so pink now he looks like he could combust.

I laugh, trying to make him feel better, but it doesn't really feel like a joke. I don't really feel like I want it to be a joke and that terrifies me. I know I need to explain.

"Peeta…"

"It was just a joke Katniss. I'm not about to get down on one knee," he reassures me again, still looking utterly mortified.

"I know that, but I just want to…" What do I want? I don't know where to start or what I'm really trying to tell him. What a screw up I am I guess, but without completely putting him off. "…to warn you I suppose." He looks both wary and confused now. I give an exasperated sigh, frustrated with how rubbish I am at expressing myself, but then I've never needed to have this conversation with anyone before.

"I think…" but I can't think with those earnest blue eyes looking at me, like they're waiting to be hurt so I close my eyes. "I think that I know that I um…that I want to be with you, but I haven't done this before. I've made a point of not doing this before. I don't date, I don't have relationships, I just…"

"Fuck?" He finishes my sentence for me.

"Yes," I say, opening my eyes to look at him. I open my mouth to explain but I'm interrupted by two plates of sausage and mash being delivered to our table. Suddenly I'm not at all hungry.

I just need to get it out, so I blurt it, like ripping a plaster off. "My father and my sister they both died in a car crash about ten years ago, and my mother she tried but she couldn't get over it. She threw herself under train, they ruled accidental death but it wasn't. I know it wasn't. The loss it was just too much for her and I guess, well that I...I just wasn't enough."

"Katniss," he reaches for me across the table but I pull my hand away. I'm pretty sure if he touches me I'll start crying and I don't cry. Not ever, not about this, not any more. I've shed enough tears over it in the past. "So you see I've seen first hand how destructive love can be and I've tried my hardest not to fall in love. Honestly it hasn't been that hard. But you…I think with you, there's a real danger.

"The other night you said something. When you thought I was asleep." Peeta's eyes widen and know he knows exactly what I'm referring to. "I need to know, did you mean it or was it just words?"

"I meant it, but believe me it wasn't the way I wanted to tell you," he stresses.

"It's just…" I take a deep breath. "It's going to take me a while to get there. It feels like second nature to fight this feeling and I wasn't kidding the other night. It's scares the shit out of me feeling like this…so…so…I don't know…vulnerable? But I liked it - more than I wanted to - hearing you say you love me."

"So you don't mind if I say it?" His voice suggests he's joking but his expression implies completely the opposite.

I shake my head.

"That's good, because I really don't appear to have much of a choice over it," he gives me a wry smile that I can't help but return.

When the barmaid comes to clear away our plates she gives Peeta a wink and asks with a nod in my direction, "So how's it going?"

"Not bad," he grins, never taking his eyes from me. "I'm pretty confident there's going to be second date."


It's probably a bad idea to post a chapter when you are completely and utterly rat arsed but I'm just going to do it anyway - so I apologise for the mistakes.

Hope you all have a good new years eve and that your hangovers don't last too long!

Thank you to the 3 or 4 people who loyally read and review this story, it there's anyone else out there reading please let me know, I would really really love your feedback.

One more chapter and we're done here.

Happy 2016!

D

p.s I have recently become addicted to western/prospector/pioneer stories and have completely devoured and exhausted all MTK4FUN's stories (which I love despite their lack of M rating!) so if you can recommend any similar stories please please let me know.