Author's Note: Hello everyone! Sorry for the delay with this chapter, I was swept up in a writing competition on a forum for the past month. Thank you for your patience! I'm playing around with formatting a bit with this chapter. Flashbacks are now in italics and imagined voices are bolded. Hopefully it doesn't get too confusing! Please let me know what you think!
Chapter Three
November 26, 1981
Azkaban Prison: Day 25
"I think you're like James, who would have regarded it as the height of dishonor to mistrust his friends."
- Remus Lupin
Sirius had taken to pacing.
He would count his steps in order to keep his mind occupied. He could take about four to five steps along the back wall of his cell, depending on the length of his stride. It was about six to seven steps from the back wall to the grated door, though he didn't take that path often since it took him closer to the Dementor that was always floating just outside of the bars. Instead, he did his best to content himself with pacing as far away from the creature as possible.
He found that when he was up and about it was easier to keep his demons at bay.
How long he was able to pace depended mostly on how long ago he had last received food or water. Neither of these things seemed to come to him on a regular schedule of any sort. Some days he would be given two meager servings of food along with a metal cup filled with water and then other days he wouldn't be given anything at all. In the few weeks he had been here he had noticeably lost weight, as his clothes were hanging off of him in a way they hadn't when he had first been delivered to this island. Feeding schedules in the prison seemed to be completely left up to the whims of the Dementors that ran this place. Sirius found to be strange for a myriad of reasons, the most prominent one being the fact that a Dementor bringing him food and water always brought on a confusing mix of terror and relief that Sirius was still struggling with how to cope with.
He stumbled a bit as went to turn around, having just reached one of the walls. He knew that the sleep deprivation wasn't exactly helping matters either. That was his own doing though. He would stay awake for as long as physically possible, until he would unintentionally drift off to sleep, usually sitting up in the corner of the cell rather than on the rickety cot that sat along one wall. His unconscious state was plagued with night terrors though and every single time he'd wake up screaming with tears streaming down his face. Needless to say, he hadn't gotten much sleep over the past few weeks.
All this combined with the Dementors forcing him to recall his worst memories day in and day out was wearing on his sanity.
Sirius abruptly stopped his pacing as he heard a shriek come from a few cells down. For the first couple weeks, he had been relatively isolated up at the top of the prison. But lately, more and more prisoners were being brought in, to the point where he almost had neighbors. He wasn't used to these new noises so close to his cell and he couldn't quite decide if he missed the quiet or not. He hadn't bothered with trying to identify any of the newcomers, hardly seeing why it would matter to him. Still, his curiosity was starting to get the better of him. Was the Ministry finally tracking down actual Death Eaters, or were they still just picking up anyone who looked suspicious and throwing them in prison without asking too many questions?
The screaming suddenly intensified before it abruptly cut off and Sirius knew that the Dementors had intervened. His eyes drifted to the door to find that even the Dementor outside of his own cell had drifted away, obviously drawn by whatever commotion was taking place a few cells down. With that, the air seemed a little more breathable and Sirius almost felt grateful for the newcomer's outburst.
Feeling himself relax a fraction, he leaned up against the wall behind him as his eyes wandered up to the small, barred window that was set high in the back wall of his cell. It had taken him almost a week of imprisonment, but he had finally figured out that there was in fact a subtle deviation in the lighting outside depending on the time of day. The constant thick covering of clouds – which Sirius wasn't convinced was natural – made it difficult to make the distinction between night and day. This only added to the feeling of disorientation and detachment from the rest of the world. Given that, he made it a habit to try and identify the time of day every so often just so he could feel a little less disoriented.
After observing the clouded sky for a minute he decided that it was most likely night. It took him longer than usual to determine that than it usually did though. It was strange, it wasn't quite bright enough to be day but it also seemed a little too bright to be nighttime. Of course, this was using the term "bright" very loosely.
He took a step closer to the window to get a better look. As he observed the sky, he could almost picture the stars that lay just behind the clouds. Astronomy lessons had been instilled in him since he was a child, given their family's fascination with the subject. He knew what constellations would be where, even if he couldn't see them with thick cloud covering. But slowly, something was beginning to dawn on him. Barely visible behind a thinner layer of clouds was an orb of light too large to be a star. It certainly wasn't bright enough to be the sun and it took him a minute before he realized what it was.
It was the full moon.
The realization took his breath away and he stumbled as if suddenly he stood on unstable ground. But now that the idea had occurred to him, there wasn't any doubt in his mind that it was in fact the night of the full moon. After so many years of having his and his friends' lives revolve around that specific celestial event, he practically had a sixth sense for the phases of the moon.
For the past few weeks, he had tried very hard not to think about anything. He had fought tooth and nail against any memories that tried to surface. But, in that moment, memories overwhelmed him uninvited. Even with his Dementor still absent – a curious breech of protocol had Sirius bothered to really pay attention to it – an unwanted memory suddenly consumed him, crystallizing in his mind as it took him back to a time in his life he had never wanted to visit again.
Sirius, James and Peter were running full-tilt across the school's grounds as the sun was finally setting behind the forest, casting the area in rapidly lengthening shadows. It was always exhilarating, being outside of the castle after curfew. They had done it on countless occasions over their years as students at Hogwarts. This time was different though.
This time they were going to meet a werewolf.
As excited as they had been to finally complete their Animagus transformations, the reality of the situation was starting to set in. So many things could go wrong with this plan. It was perhaps one of the most dangerous gambles they would take while at school. Even so, they ran ahead, drowning any fear with giddy anticipation for their next adventure.
They had to stop just outside of the reach of the Whomping Willow in order to concentrate on their transformations. As they gained confidence with their Animagus transformation, they would eventually be able to change on the run down to the tree without missing a beat. This first time required more concentration though. Sirius was able to transform first, though admittedly that was only because James waited for Peter to transform, as Peter still needed a little coaching to be able to manage it. Then, they had to wait for Peter to gather up his nerve to challenge the Whomping Willow as a rat. Finally, the three illegal, teenaged Animagi were clamoring through the tunnel under the willow, not giving much thought of what they were about to come upon.
Prongs nudged the trap door to the Shrieking Shack open with his antlers. Padfoot was the first one to jump up into the shack, alert as he tried to prepare himself for his first encounter with a werewolf. But then he froze in place, any excitement disappearing in a second. They were early. And the scene that they had just come upon was horrifying.
Remus had tried to warn them. He had tried to warn them many times over the years while they worked on their Animagus transformations, but they had never really taken his words seriously. Or maybe he just hadn't been insistent enough. Either way, they hadn't been expecting this.
The transformation had clearly just begun. Their friend was on his hands and knees in the middle of the room, his features screwed up in pain. Suddenly there was an unmistakable CRACK of bones rearranging and Remus let out a horrific shriek of pure agony. Sirius heard a whimpering noise that he realized was coming from his own Animagus form, tail tucked between his legs seemingly of its own accord. As they watched the scene it only got worse as Remus' screams grew more frantic, more agonizing, more… animalistic.
And all they could do was stand there and stare helplessly. There was nothing they could do to ease their friend's pain.
The transformation took much longer than Sirius thought that it would. And it was so much more gruesome than he had ever imagined it would be. At one point, Remus made a choking noise and coughed up blood as his ribcage rearranged. Sirius was convinced that something had to be wrong, that it couldn't really be this bad every single month. But as the months would go on, he would learn just how normal this horrific scene was for a werewolf.
It had actually been a relief to finally be face to face with a fully transformed werewolf.
Witnessing that first transformation had been terrifyingly eye-opening. Knowing that there was nothing that they could do to stop it from happening every month had been hard to accept. But at least they had been able to bring him some comfort when they started accompanying him during his transformations, which stopped him from hurting himself so much.
The three of them never once missed a transformation while they had been in school. They went out of their way to avoid detentions the night of the full moon and even on the few occasions that they had slipped up and earn a detention on that particular night, they blew it off even though they knew it would mean more detentions. While they had been in school, this had been the most important thing in their lives.
Then the war began. They had kept up with his transformations for as long as they could. Then they had to miss one because of an assignment Dumbledore sent them on. Then they had to miss another when James had been injured in battle. Then another because they had spent all of their magical energy in a battle the day before and couldn't manage their own transformations. More and more they just didn't have time to accompany their werewolf. Eventually Remus became distant.
You abandoned me.
Sirius whipped around on pure instinct. He already knew that no one would be there though. He had been hearing James' voice off and on over the past few weeks, pointing out every mistake that he had ever made. This was definitely not James' voice though. More than that, this voice had been so clear and so convincing that he found himself searching the dark corners of his cell for a figure that was not there.
Not even a month in Azkaban and Sirius Black could already feel his mind slipping.
I needed you, and you abandoned me.
"Remus…" Sirius whispered, his voice hoarse from disuse. "Merlin, I'm so sorry…"
When it had become clear that they had a traitor amongst them, everyone had come under suspicion. It became hard to trust anyone; even the closest of friends were being questioned. Every relationship was examined and every member of the Order became a suspect. The Marauders were not immune to this. Even more so when it became apparent that it was probably someone within their own inner circle that was likely the informant. When Remus became distant, he inadvertently became the easy answer. So Sirius had turned to Peter when he had needed aid in his plan to keep James and his family hidden. It had seemed like the safe choice.
That had been a horrible mistake.
"Remus, if I could take it back, I would," Sirius moaned. "Merlin, I wish I could take it back. I wish I could go back in time and fix this."
You didn't trust me! If you had just trusted me, none of this would have happened!
"I know," Sirius whispered. He leaned back against the wall behind him, suddenly not feeling like he could hold himself up any longer. He rubbed both hands over his weary face. "I was so thick. I should have known…"
Looking back, it had been obvious who the actual traitor among them was. The signs were all there, if he had just been smart enough to really look for them instead of just settling on the easy answer. He shouldn't have looked at Remus' distance as suspicious, but instead the logical reaction when a person didn't get the help they needed with a terrible part of their life.
I am alone now… because of you.
Sirius leaned over as if he were going to be physically ill. With his one decision to trust Peter, he had successfully shattered all of the lives around him. His decision hadn't only ended in the loss of both James and Lily – orphaning their child – but also the abandonment of their last closest friend. He had destroyed so many lives that night.
His eyes wandered back to the window. The full moon was obviously high in the sky. The transformation probably had already happened hours ago. Sirius wondered where Remus was right now. Most likely he was in the reinforced basement of the small cottage that he lived in. He knew from years of experience that Remus' stress made for a more violent wolf. He could only imagine how terrible this particular full moon was going to be for Remus. It would probably be one of the worst that he ever had to endure. Sirius shuddered at the thought of the wolf tearing apart his friend. Was there even anyone left to help tend to his wounds when he woke up?
For the first time since he had been locked up, Sirius wished for some connection to the outside world. He wished he could explain to Remus what really happened. Why hadn't he demanded to speak with Remus before they brought him here? In truth, he knew he had been in shock and in no fit state to have been making logical decisions at the time… but that seemed so trivial in this moment. Surely, if he had been able to explain to Remus that he had not betrayed them, it would bring his friend some small piece of mind.
Wouldn't it?
Or perhaps it didn't matter. Perhaps Remus wouldn't care that technically Sirius had not been the one to betray James and Lily. Perhaps he would blame him anyway. Just like Sirius blamed himself. It felt like there was a hole opening up in the middle of Sirius' chest once more at these thoughts. Because after all… this was all his fault.
And they say you're nothing like the rest of your family.
"No!" Sirius practically shouted, his hands going to his ears as if he could block out the imaginary voice of his once close friend. "No, I… I didn't mean to. I never wanted this to happen!"
You thought you could be different, didn't you? You thought that you could be better than them. But in the end, you couldn't help but turn out just like them. You couldn't help but hurt everyone around you.
"I…" Sirius started before he realized there was nothing he could say to that.
Voldemort almost won because of you.
Sirius' knees gave out and suddenly he was on the floor, despair crashing over him in crushing waves. His breath caught in his chest, choking him. His eyes stung, though he was too dehydrated to produce any tears.
Suddenly there was screaming. It wasn't one of the other prisoners this time. It was a sound that he had heard more times than he would care to remember, seeming to echo around his empty cell. It was Remus' screaming as he forcibly transformed into a blood-thirsty werewolf. Sirius could clearly hear the crack of bones breaking and the scrape of them rearranging. He could hear the pain and terror in his friends screams that grew more animalistic by the second. Sirius pushed his hands harder against his ears even though he knew it wasn't helping.
You couldn't block out what was in your own head.
In a desperate and futile attempt to drown out the noise, Sirius' own screams filled the cell. By the time the Dementors came to subdue him, he was already almost unconscious from the force of his exertions. He didn't fight the Dementor as it approached nor did he shrink away as its hooded head leaned down toward him. Instead he welcomed the intrusion, turning his head up toward the creature, knowing that his body couldn't handle much more and that blissful unconsciousness wouldn't be far behind.
