Chapter Four

December 22nd, 1981
Azkaban Prison: Day 51


"The Dark Lord will rise again, Crouch! Throw us into Azkaban; we will wait! He will rise again and will come for us, he will reward us beyond any of his other supporters! We alone were faithful! We alone tried to find him!"

Bellatrix Lestrange


For a prison that's main purpose was to isolate its prisoners, Azkaban had been quite active over the past few weeks.

Even Sirius found himself drawn out of the dark corners of his cell each day in order to see what was going on outside of his cell. New prisoners were being brought in several days in a row in small packs, all of them screaming and struggling the whole way. It caused quite a commotion within these walls. It wasn't that Azkaban was ever really a quiet place. It was more that most of the prisoners here had resigned themselves to their sentences and only really cried out while they slept or when the Dementors got close. These new prisoners brought with them an entirely different energy.

They were Voldemort's loyal supporters.

Sirius could recognize Death Eaters as they were brought up to his level. These were men and women that he had fought on a regular basis for years. He had been in duels with many of them, sought to lock them away himself. It was a strange sort of grim satisfaction to watch them getting locked away at long last. It was something that he had never imagined he would witness from this perspective.

For a while, the delivery of new prisoners became the most reliable method to tell the passage of time. Every day around noon, three or four new souls would enter the prison. This was much more predictable than even the delivery of food and water to the prisoners who were already locked up. Then, very abruptly, new inmates stopped appearing. It seemed to be a safe assumption that outside of these walls the manhunt for Death Eaters had ended.

So, when the commotion started down on the lower levels after over a week of no new appearances, Sirius felt taken a little off guard. He thought about ignoring it, but soon it became apparent that something was different about what was happening. He started to push himself up to his feet, even though he knew that it would be awhile before they made it up to the top of the prison, if that was indeed where they were headed. Standing was a bit of a chore for him after being inactive for so long though, so Sirius knew he needed extra time just to be able to stand steadily on his feet.

By the time the group reached the upper level, Sirius was feeling pretty steady. He took a cautious step forward, careful to keep a safe distance from the Dementor outside of his door. He also didn't want to move too far out of the shadows, feeling a sense of safety in not being able to be seen by the new prisoners as they were brought past. He had avoided being recognized after his initial ascent in the prison and he preferred to keep it that way.

The first thing that Sirius noticed was that this group was by far the most rowdy that had been brought in. These new prisoners were all struggling and shouting, their voices echoing around the prison and causing other inmates to shout back as they rattled the bars to their cells. It was enough of a commotion to cause Sirius to take another cautious, half step forward, feeling curious.

The first person who was dragged by was a male, hardly more than a boy – though Sirius was vaguely aware of the fact that the same could be said about him. This new inmate was struggling and as he looked around wildly, Sirius could see tears on his face. Clearly he was terrified, but that was a pretty normal thing to see of new prisoners. He looked vaguely familiar as well, but had disappeared from view before Sirius could really identify him. He could clearly hear his desperate pleas though.

"I didn't do it! I swear, I didn't do it! Please, you have to believe me! I didn't do it, I didn't know!"

Sirius snorted lightly. The boy must be desperate if he was trying to reason with Dementors. Still, he couldn't help but wonder if what he said was true. After all, he wouldn't be the first innocent person to be thrown in Azkaban.

Sirius refocused when another figure was brought by. This figure was older than the last and was also struggling, but not in fear as the first had been. This one was struggling in anger. He was shouting in a very animalistic way, his words unintelligible save for a few profanities. Sirius had definitely seen him before, but he couldn't for the life of him recall where. They may have gone to school together judging by the fact that he only seemed a little older than the man who had come before him, but with the violent struggling it was hard to get a good look at his face.

The third new prisoner that came into view was older than the first two and much quieter as he walked by with a grim resolution to his gait. It was obviously a figure that he accepted his fate. As he passed, he lifted his head, turning it toward Sirius' cell. Sirius got a real good look at his face, and he felt his whole body go cold. He immediately recognized his features. It was Rodolphus Lestrange.

His breath caught in his chest at this realization as he balled his hands into tight fists. He had met the elder Lestrange in battle several times over the years. And he was never without his wife: Sirius' cousin Bellatrix.

Given that, it was no surprise that the final figure that came into view was a distinctly feminine one. She was screaming obscenities in a high pitched, grating tone that had always rattled Sirius' nerves, even when he was young. It was a noise that immediately caused blood to start pounding in his head and all of his muscles to tense as if anticipating an attack. There were two Dementors attempting to drag his cousin along by her arms and she was struggling fiercely against them. That was quite a feat considering the effect that the Dementors had on most people. By this point, most people were too drained to fight back. In the midst of her struggles, her head whipped to one side and suddenly she was looking right at him.

It was as if the world had stopped in its tracks.

For a solid minute, the two were deathly still as they locked gazes. Sirius realized that he had ventured further from the shadows than he normally did, drawn somehow by this new group of prisoners, and he was clearly visible to his cousin. Recognition sparked in her eyes followed by a slow smile making its way across her lips.

"Well, hello, dear cousin," Bellatrix finally said in a low, amused voice. "Fancy seeing you here." She paused as if expecting some sort of response. Two months ago, he would have had some sort of comeback for her, but already the idea of conversation felt foreign to him. So he stood silent, content to glare at his hated relative. Looking back, Sirius would wonder why the Dementors had allowed her to linger for so long. "By the way, the Longbottoms send their love. Or at least they would… if only I hadn't turned their brains into mush." She cracked a wide grin.

Sirius felt something within him snap. Suddenly, without a conscious thought, he lunged forward so quickly that neither Bellatrix nor the Dementors had a chance to react. His hand shot through the bars of his cell and he seized a fistful of Bellatrix's sleeve, yanking it toward him with enough force to practically pull Bellatrix off her feet. With both her wrists and ankles confined in shackles, she was thrown completely off balance and her head collided solidly with the bars of his cell door with a satisfying TWONK. As she screamed in pain, blood now streaming down her face, Sirius felt the beginnings of a smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

The Dementor dragged her away as Sirius watched, feeling a spark of satisfaction within him. As she was pushed into the cell next to his, he could still hear her screams, though the sound had shifted from pain to outrage. He was so distracted that he didn't immediately notice the Dementor turning toward him.

Sirius felt the Dementor's close proximity before he saw it. He knew what his mistake had been immediately. He knew the Dementors didn't care about violence within the prison. Last week, a fight had broken out between two of the new prisoners as they were brought in. The Dementors hadn't bothered to intervene until one of the prisoners was knocked unconscious. But, Sirius had taken pleasure in causing Bellatrix pain, and the Dementor was eager to take that feeling away from him.

After almost two months of imprisonment, Sirius knew that struggling didn't do any good. Instead, he backed up as calmly as he could; trying to let any positive feelings fall away, inviting in the dread that came with a Dementor's visit. He had a theory that being afraid of the Dementors could work in his favor, giving the creatures less to feed off of. However, as the Dementor entered his cell, he realized how flimsy a theory that was.

He thought that over time he would begin to get used to the effect the Dementors had on him. But, if anything, it seemed to be getting worse. Sirius backed himself into the far corner of the small cell, and when he couldn't retreat any further he crouched down, trying to make himself as small as possible. None of this did any good, but it at least gave him the vague sense that he could do something about his situation.

His entire body shuttered as the Dementor towered over him.

"Remus, look out!"

His own voice echoed around the cell even though he hadn't spoken. His closed his eyes, knowing what memory was coming and fighting hard against it. He didn't want to think, he didn't want to remember. But he was powerless to stop it as suddenly the walls of his prison cell melted away and he found himself in another time and place.

Sirius saw what Remus didn't. In the middle of their battle with a group of Death Eaters, Bellatrix had singled Remus out, flinging a curse at him while he was distracted dueling one of her companions. Sirius shouted at him as he jumped between one of his best friends and his cousin. The curse that had been meant for Remus hit Sirius hard and he felt something pierce his chest.

"Bellatrix, we have to go!" Rodolphus shouted.

Sirius remained firmly and stubbornly on his feet through sheer force of will, his wand arm up but wavering. He met Bellatrix's mad look with a hard glare of his own. Bellatrix laughed loudly. Then, there was a deafening CRACK and she was gone. Several more cracks followed as her companions followed suit.

It was only after they were gone that Sirius let his wand arm drop. Everything was moving in slow motion as the pain in his chest was radiating to an unimaginable level. He reached up to feel the wound, his fingers encountering a small, thin but very solid object that was lodged in his chest, roughly the size of the stem of a quill. He was vaguely surprised that such a small object could cause so much pain. His knees gave way and suddenly his kneecaps were hitting the ground hard as he gasped raggedly for breath.

"Sirius!"

His body was falling forward but suddenly there were hands on his shoulders trying to steady him. He looked up into James' panicked face. He tried to smirk and make some kind of joke but he was hardly getting enough air as it was.

"Oh, Merlin…" Lily's voice was close by now, sounding unsteady. That was his first real indication of how bad off he was. It wasn't easy to rattle Lily Potter.

"We need to heal him before I can Apparate with him," James said tensely. Taking charge of a situation was how he coped when things got out of hand. Slowly, he lowered Sirius down to lie on the ground, causing Sirius to groan in pain. "At the very least we have to get that thing out of his chest and slow the bleeding. Moony, what do we do?" There was silence. "Remus?"

James shifted to look behind him, and as he did Sirius caught sight of Remus. He seemed frozen in place and was pale as a ghost as he stared down at Sirius with wide eyes, his expression one of utmost shock.

Sirius took in a rattling breath. He remembered thinking that Remus' behavior was very strange. He had never been squeamish before. It wasn't until later that Sirius would learn that Remus had been shaken to his very core by the idea of one of his friends getting killed because of his own carelessness.

James glanced at Sirius before he was suddenly on his feet. Without hesitation, Lily took James' place at Sirius' side, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder as her green eyes anxiously took in his injuries.

"Keep still, Sirius," she said, clearly struggling to keep her voice calm. "It's going to be all right."

Behind her, James had forcibly turned Remus away from the scene, his hands on Remus' shoulders as he met his eyes. "I need you to focus, Remus," he said steadily. "Just take a deep breath and think. Just tell us what needs to be done to get him patched up enough to Apparate him out of here."

Sirius tried to shift to get a better look at what was going on, but all the action did was cause his pain to pulsate, a pained yelp escaping from his lips before he was able to clamp his teeth together.

"I… I…" Remus stuttered, his head starting to turn back to the scene that was now hidden behind him.

"Hey," James said firmly as he reached up and turned Remus' chin so that he was facing him again. "Focus on me, Moony. Just tell me what we need to do."

Sirius' grasp on consciousness was flimsy as best, but he was vaguely aware of Remus mumbling instructions while Lily performed the spells. The pain eased before it sored to a whole new level and then eased again to a dull throb. He must have lost a lot of blood though, because even as Lily stood up after doing all she could, the world was still spinning around him.

In the next moment James was back at his side. He pulled Sirius up into a sitting position, causing Sirius to hiss with pain as his vision swam even more. James wound one arm around Sirius' shoulders and pulled him in close. Sirius' head lolled into James' shoulder as his muscles relaxed, quite literally trusting James with his life.

"I've got you, Sirius," James murmured. "I've got you, brother. Just hang in there."

The words echoed in his head as Sirius's eyes fluttered closed. A moment later he felt the familiar pull of Apparation just as the world slipped away from him.

Sirius gasped as he violently jerked back to reality. The Dementor was gone, not sticking around long enough to render him unconscious this time. His entire body was shaking and he was drenched in a cold sweat.

He remembered that day too vividly. It had been just after they had graduated from Hogwarts, back at the very beginning of their involvement in the war. Lily and James had barely been married at week at the time. Normal couples would have been away on their honeymoon, but Lily and James had refused to leave their friends, always saying they would have a honeymoon after the war was over.

Sirius knew why that had been the memory to overtake him today. Bellatrix being brought in had brought back the awful memories of the war. It was the first time he really had to face his own mortality, as he had been certain that he was going to die that day. But that wasn't what was most painful about the memory. No, what was most painful about that particular memory was James. Remembering the way James could take control of a dire situation. Remembering how James had saved his life that day by calming Remus so that he could tell them what needed to be done. Remembering how much James had cared for his friends.

"I've got you, Sirius. I've got you, brother."

Those words tore away at his soul, even more so than the memory of his own near death experience. It wasn't fair. James had so much more to live for. Why couldn't he have lived, why couldn't Sirius have taken his place and been the one to sacrifice himself? Sirius felt the pain of the loss of his surrogate brother more intensely than ever, the weight of it threatening to crush him while at the same time refusing to end his misery.

He leaned his head up against the wall behind him, trying to catch his breath even though it felt like he was breathing through a straw. He put his hands up over his head and lowered his head to hang between his knees, attempting to gain some kind of composure.

He felt a horrible feeling of helplessness descend over him. This was his life from now on. He would never have anything more than this. He would never be anything more than a tortured soul in a cell. He had known that from the beginning, but somehow it was like he was only just realizing what that actually meant. He was only two months into his life sentence and he could already feel himself starting to break.

Sirius Black was twenty-two years old. His life was supposed to only be starting. But instead, it had been unjustly ripped away from him.

He swallowed as he leaned back again, his breath feeling steadier. But it was as if a hole had opened up within his chest, threatening to consume his entire being. He couldn't live like this. He couldn't do this every day for the rest of his life.

"Why couldn't they have just killed me?" Sirius whispered to himself. He wasn't really sure if he was talking about the Death Eaters or the Ministry. But it really didn't matter. There was only one thought that rang clearly out in his mind.

He wished with ever fiber of his being that he were dead.


Author's Note: Thank you to everyone who has reviewed so far! I really appreciate all your feedback!