Chapter Five

January 3rd, 1982
Azkaban Prison: Day 62


"They don't need walls and water to keep the prisoners in, not when they're trapped inside their own heads, incapable of a single cheerful thought. Most go mad within weeks."
- Remus Lupin


Sirius was still smirking at the vampire that had lost all it's teeth as he stepped up to face the boggart, drawing his wand easily out of his pocket. He glanced back at his friends behind him, grinning and confident without a care in the world. James grinned back as he ran a hand through his messy hair, though Remus and Peter were both shifting uneasily.

Sirius turned back to the boggart in front of him, belatedly wondering what it would turn in to when it focused on him. He couldn't think of anything that he was really afraid of. But as the boggart morphed, he realized the answer should have been obvious from the beginning. He had been thinking along the lines of a normal thirteen-year-old child's fears, like those that had just been paraded in front of the class – spiders, snakes, mummies, vampires. He wasn't afraid of anything like that. What he was truly afraid of was something that was much more real and terrifying than any of those things.

He was suddenly face to face with his mother.

The likeness was so uncanny that Sirius froze in place, wondering if it really was his mother standing in front of him in the middle of his third year Defense Against the Dark Arts class. His smirk had immediately fallen from his face as he automatically straightened his spine. Any residual laughter from the boggart's previous form had faded away and for a moment the entire room was silent as Walburga Black's likeness surveyed her surroundings in a very convincing way.

"Any day now, Mr. Black," Professor Ward drawled.

Sirius gripped his wand. He took a deep breath and raised his arm. But, before he could utter a word, his mother's eyes locked on him. He suddenly felt cold and took an involuntary step backward.

"Vile creature," his mother spat at him. Sirius flinched as if the insult had been a physical attack. "You bring nothing but dishonor on the House of Black!"

"Riddikulus," came a murmured voice from behind him. "The spell is pronounced Riddikulus."

"No helping, Mr. Lupin," Professor Ward snapped. "Five points from Gryffindor. Mr. Black, perform the spell. We don't have all day."

Sirius opened his mouth but his throat had gone completely dry. His hand tightened on his wand to the point where his knuckles turned stark white.

"Worthless!" Walburga Black screeched. "You are worthless! You bring nothing but shame and disappointment to all those who have the unfortunate task of dealing with you!" The figure was suddenly advancing on him and Sirius stumbled backwards.

"He's had enough!" came James' voice from somewhere behind him, all signs of joking completely gone.

"Stay back, Potter," Professor Ward growled.

"You will never be anything without this family!" Walburga shouted. "You insolent, cowardly blood traitor! I am ashamed to have to call you son!" A hand with fingers tipped in long, pointed nails was raised in the air and Sirius closed his eyes, knowing what was coming.

But suddenly, someone had grabbed him by the back of his robes and had yanked him backward, away from the figure towering over him. He blinked, unsure what was going on as someone slipped in front of him. It took him a moment to focus on James, who was now standing between him and the boggart. A moment later there was a loud CRACK as the boggart also refocused on this new presence.

As Professor Ward was doling out detentions for disrupting his lesson – to James for jumping between Sirius and the boggart and to Remus for pulling Sirius out of the way – Sirius could hear confused whispers come from his classmates. He even heard some snickers coming from the Slytherin side of the room. His cheeks burned red with embarrassment over the whole ordeal. No one was supposed to know about that and now his failed relationship with his mother had been put on display for the entire class to see.

But that was where it should have ended.

Suddenly the protection of his friends vanished. The snickers from the Slytherins became louder and more cruel, pressing in around him.

"Stupid boy." His mother's form was back, towering over him and looking even more monstrous and threatening than before. "Stupid, selfish boy. You destroy everything you come in contact with. You never deserved happiness, which is why everyone you've ever loved is gone. And you will now be alone forever!"

And with that, she lunged at him, her fingers turning into claws, her eyes burning with pure hatred. Sirius tried to scramble away but there was no where to run, no where to hide…

He woke with a start, jerking away from the perceived threat, which caused him to fall from the stiff, uncomfortable cot onto the rock hard floor. He groaned lowly as pain radiated from his shoulder where it had collided with the stone floor. He blinked furiously as he looked around, trying to get his bearings. He didn't know where he was.

He gasped, trying to contain his panic. That was easier said than done though. His heart was pumping wildly out of control, pounding blood in his ears and somehow managing to drown out even the thoughts within his own head. His vision was fading in and out of focus so rapidly that nausea was overwhelming him. He gagged, but nothing came up. This caused him to panic even more. He gasped desperately, but it felt as if he were trying to breathe through a straw. What was going on? Was he dying?

Slowly, his senses finally started coming back to him. There was the cold floor and then the musty smell and the small, dark room. And finally there was screaming. For a moment, Sirius wondered if it was him that was screaming. He reached up and felt his own mouth, finding that his lips were closed. He wasn't the one screaming.

Finally, memories started flooding back to him. It was enough to take his breathe away as he rolled over onto his back, staring up at the ceiling as he tried to calm himself. That was hard to do with the commotion going on outside of his cell. He let out a frustrated sigh as he pushed himself up into a sitting position, leaning back up against the cot to keep himself steady.

He had been having episodes like this with increasing frequency over the past couple weeks. He couldn't sleep without nightmares and more and more when he woke from these nightmares he wouldn't immediately remember where he was, causing him to blindly panic. This was the longest it had taken him to remember where he was. He squeezed his eyes shut as he let his head fall into his hands.

It was only going to keep getting worse. How was he supposed to live like this for the rest of his life?

The screaming that was coming from outside of his cell was getting louder and more panicked. Sirius shifted his hands to cover his ears, but that didn't seem to help much.

"For the love of Merlin, Barty, will you SHUT UP?"

Sirius wasn't real sure who had shouted the statement – probably one of the Lestrange brothers if he had to guess – but he found that he was inclined to agree. The young inmate was screaming in his sleep again, begging for his mother. Over the past month, it had become clear that his high pitched screaming could go on for hours, grating on the nerves of anyone within earshot. Not that that was very hard to do. It's not as if any of them were the most stable of individuals at this point.

"They should just let us kill him," came Bellatrix's helpful suggestion. For the most part, her tone sounded bored, but Sirius could hear the slight tremor in her voice. He couldn't help but smile slightly at that. After about a month here, the Dementors were finally starting to get to his cousin. That was comforting to him. "The boy is a disgrace."

Sirius snorted, lifting his head. "It's not as if you are the most dignified when you're the one screaming in your sleep, Bellatrix," he spoke up, aiming the comment at the wall across from him.

He knew that Bellatrix sat just on the other side of that wall. For the first couple days of her imprisonment, she had spent most of her time shouting at him, trying to get a rise out of him. She had almost succeeded when she had gone on about how she had been given a trial before her sentence while he had not. That fact really got under his skin as he found himself often regretting that he hadn't fought harder for his own freedom. But he had managed to restrain himself from verbally responding to his mad cousin. He hadn't engaged her for weeks, knowing that she was simply trying to distract herself from the horror that she now found herself in and refusing to aid her in that endeavor.

But, eventually the urge for some kind of human contact – even if it was simply being able to argue with someone he truly hated – became too much for him.

"You're one to talk, dear cousin," Bellatrix snapped. "I haven't heard you sound that pathetic since you were a young, stupid boy who was deathly terrified of mummy and daddy."

"Don't be ridiculous," Sirius shot back dryly. "I was never afraid of my father."

That was the truth too. He had never particularly liked his father, but he had never been as frightening as his mother had been.

"Yes, well, most of the men in this family have been little more than pretty decorations in the foyer," Bellatrix commented.

Suddenly, there was movement from outside of his cell. As his gaze darted toward the door, he couldn't help but shrink away. But the door did not open. Instead, the scraping of a cell door opening came from a different cell.

"No… no, please!" Suddenly Bellatrix's screams joined with Barty's. Clearly she was getting a visit from a Dementor.

A ghost of a smile played at Sirius' lips. "Having a fond memory of your husband, Bella?" he taunted.

If she heard him, she made no indication. Sirius took a deep breath and tried not to focus on the screams of his hated cousin. He had learned early on that taking pleasure is his cousin's misery would earn himself a Dementor visit of his own. He put his head down and let his hands rest on the back of his neck, lacing his fingers together. He tried to pretend he was somewhere else, anywhere else. He wasn't successful.

"Can I have your attention please?"

It took a solid minute for the words to make any sense to Sirius. It took another minute to realize that, though the tone sounded nervous, it sounded too coherent to be an inmate here. Something was strange about this new voice; something was different. It was enough to cause Sirius to lift his head and look over at the cell curiously.

"Please, can I have everyone's attention?" The request came louder and decidedly more insistent. But it did nothing to quiet the chaos from the inmates in the prison. Bellatrix's screams became more panicked, Barty's screams were deteriorating into hysteric sobs and there was depressed moaning coming several in the nearby cells.

Driven by curiosity, Sirius placed his hands up on the cot behind him and used that to leverage himself up onto the cot. From there he was able to carefully pull himself up onto his feet. He wavered for a moment before he was able move forward. It was a rare occurrence that he would move toward the front of his cell as usually he stayed as far away from the door – and the Dementors – as possible. He did his best to get only as close as he needed to in order to see out and around the Dementor that was posted just outside of his cell.

From his spot, he could see a man standing on the path a few cells down. It was immediately clear that he was not an inmate. There were no Dementors that were accompanying him and he seemed for all intents and purposes to be standing within the prison of his own free will. It was perhaps one of the strangest sights Sirius had seen in his entire life. He couldn't help but stare, unable to comprehend what was going on.

"Please, I just… I need to ask…" the man spoke again loudly, clearly frustrated by the lack of attention from the half-crazed prisoners.

"We're a bit hectic right now," Sirius found himself saying. "Perhaps you should come back another time." Then he laughed, the sound much more maniacal than he had meant it to be. He realized that he sounded just as unhinged as anyone else in this place.

He wasn't willing to admit that it was because he was in fact just as unhinged as any of the other prisoners here.

The man focused on Sirius, the only one who had acknowledged his presence at this point. He glanced down at a clipboard in his hand and then back up at something above Sirius' cell. Then he focused back on him.

"Sirius Black, right?" he said, stepping closer. As he did, something strange happened. The Dementor moved away from the man, which meant he moved farther away from Sirius' cell. Sirius watched this was a vague fascination, almost forgetting about the presence of the newcomer. "Sirius Black?" the man repeated, drawing Sirius' attention back to him. "You were one of You-Know-Who's most loyal supporters, weren't you?"

"That's what they tell me," Sirius said flatly. He carefully stepped forward, his eyes wandering back to the Dementor, half expecting it to be drawn back to him. But it stayed where it was.

"I am here by order of the Council of Magical Law," he said, sounding very pompous for a man standing in a prison among people who were quite literally losing their minds. "I have come to offer leniency to anyone who will agree to testify against others who may have been loyal to You-Know-Who. If you would be willing to give us names of followers that may still be at large, we will be willing to discuss reducing your sentence."

Sirius stared blankly at the man. This must have gone on for longer than what was normal, because the man was soon shifting uncomfortably under his gaze.

"Do you have any names that you think would be useful to the Council?" the man finally prompted, sounding a bit uncertain.

Sirius felt the corner of his mouth pulling upwards, though the action didn't quite feel like a smile so much as a grimace. It must have resulted in a disturbing facial expression, because the man took a step backwards. But Sirius felt encouraged by the fact that the Dementor stayed where it was, so he took another step forward, threading his arms through the bars right above one of the horizontal supports and leaning on the metal.

"You think I have names of Voldemort's followers for you?" he asked in a low, almost dangerous voice. The man flinched. Sirius cocked his head, his gaze unwavering as he stared at the man.

"I-if you were willing to testify…" the man stuttered. "We… we would be willing… to discuss…"

A very strange noise came out of Sirius' mouth, cutting the man off. It was somewhere between a laugh and a scream and he wasn't quite sure which way it was leaning. He couldn't identify the emotions he was feeling. Amused that this man had come to probably the one innocent person on this level of the prison looking for information on Voldemort? No, that wasn't quite it. Horrified that someone was asking him of all people, really driving home the reason he was here? That's wasn't really it either.

He didn't remember the man walking away, giving up on him and going to other prisoners with his pleas. Later he would learn that Igor Karkaroff was the only one who took the man up on his offer. He would return hardly a day later to much ridicule from Voldemort's supporters, but several days later he would be granted his release for his cooperation.

That day, though, Sirius felt sanity slipping away from him. He wasn't even aware when the Dementor approached him again as he was still hanging on the cell door. The creature grabbed his arms, but Sirius gave no reaction as he continued carrying on with his laughing, screaming fit. The Dementor leaned down close to him and inhaled. A whirl of unpleasant memories crashed over him, and though it was enough to sober his fit, he was somehow able to remain on his feet as he leaned heavily on the cell door.

For a moment he wondered if the Dementors were having less of an effect on him. Weeks ago, being this close to a Dementor would have rendered him unconscious. But then he realized what had changed. It wasn't that they weren't having an effect on him. It was that they had less to feed off of from him.

"I have nothing left for you to take from me," Sirius mumbled hoarsely, staring down at the floor as he allowed the painful memories to wash over him. He closed his eyes, feeling empty. "I have nothing left."