Chapter 179: Unceasing Trance

"How unhappy is he who cannot forgive himself." – Publilius Syrus

"If we have not quiet in our minds, outward comfort will do no more for us than a golden slipper on a gouty foot." – John Bunyan

"To have a voice in the back of my head
Like a face that I hold inside
Face that awakes when I close my eyes
Face that I watch every time I lie
Face that laughs every time I fall
And watches everything
So I know that when it's time to sink or swim
That the face inside is hearing me
Right underneath my skin
It's like I'm paranoid looking over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin…" – "PaperCut" – Linkin Park


His thrusts became more erratic, more powerful, driving Sydney harshly into the soft bed. She searched his face, but his gaze wasn't focused on her, it was off somewhere else, and she knew he wasn't thinking about what they were doing.

She reached her hand up to his face and he pulled her hand away, pressing her wrist into the pillow next to her head. His grip tightened, holding her arm there, forcing her stay in that locked position.

He pulled out and slammed back into her, enough to make her cry out, but that didn't stop him. He kept up that pace, slamming into her, an emotional driving force behind him. His brow furrowed, his whole attitude and demeanor changed.

Sydney realized this wasn't about making love anymore, he was frustrated and angry, hurt and it was written all over his face, his body language, the way he seemed to not realize she was even there.

She could feel his fingers digging into her skin, making marks, but she didn't stop him. Stopping him would only either hurt him or frighten him more, so she let him continue; trying to keep up with his pace and intensity, but it was largely futile. She couldn't move much, his weight pressing her into the bed and his hand holding hers down.

All the while, the adrenaline drove him on, the voices unceasing, unrelenting, like the same record repeating over and over in his head…'God put a smile upon your face…' He thrust roughly and deeply, mercilessly driving his cock into her cervix, wanting nothing more that to make it all stop, the voices, the endless music. She whimpered, but it didn't register. She watched him hovering above her for a few more moments until she realized he wasn't going to snap out of this unless she made him look at her.

She pulled her other hand up and touched his cheek. His shoulder wouldn't allow him to grab both hands, so she had more leeway this way. She forced his head down to look at her.

Once she saw his eyes, the hidden rage, the fear, the pain, everything right there, pouring out of his emerald pools, she knew he had no idea what he was doing…not consciously.

"Michael…" she said in a shaky voice.

It only took him a few moments to register his first name, Sydney's look, her glistening eyes and the fear and pain. He immediately stopped thrusting and let go of her arm, looking down at her, her hand still fixed on his cheek.

Shame overwhelmed him immediately, "Syd…" he said shaking his head, "I…what…"

She attempted a weak smile, "Shh…it's ok…it's not your fault…you just didn't realize," she told him, as much for him as for herself.

"I…I'm sorry…" he said, tears springing, "I don't…I didn't mean…" he looked at her wildly, terror flashing in his eyes, "Did I hurt you?" he asked in an almost inaudible voice.

She smiled and started to caress his cheek, bringing her other hand to caress his chest as well. "C'mere…" she said, pulling him down to her, resting his forehead against hers.

After a few more minutes, his shoulder couldn't take any more exertion and it gave out slowly, the adrenaline abated and pain slowly inched again.

He eased out of her gently and rolled on his back, his muscles raging in pain and sensitivity.

Sydney laid on her back for a minute, getting her bearings, trying to process all that had happened and then rolled over to him.

"Vaughn…"

His gaze was fixed on the ceiling, "I'm so sorry," he said, tears slowly falling from the corners of his eyes.

"Vaughn," she started again.

"I…I would never hurt you…and now I did…I…" he broke off into sobs.

"Vaughn, it wasn't your fault…" Sydney said, tears slowly brimming as well, "Was it the dream? What made…this happen?"

Vaughn nodded, "Yeah…the dream…"

"What happened in the dream?"

"It was all fuzzy…I couldn't make out images…but I could hear their words…Sloane and Sark in particular…I could feel the pain, but…it was the words," he shivered.

"What did they say?"

"Sloane was weakness…all the time…Sark," he stopped, swallowing hard, staring at the ceiling, "He would always tell me about you…about how you…and he…" he stopped, not wanting to elaborate.

Sydney caught on, "He told you that he and I had some sort of relationship?"

"Yeah…"

"Vaughn…I've never done anything with Sark…I hate him…"

"I know…I know that…I do…that doesn't…my mind added other things, things only I'd know – but he was saying them."

"Baby, I'm sorry…"

"What's wrong with me?" Vaughn asked quietly.

Sydney's heart broke, "Aw Vaughn, it's not your fault…"

"I hurt you while I should have been…Sydney," he looked at her for the first time since she forced him to, "I just tainted the one act that always made me feel safe…"

Sydney leaned up and kissed him, "Baby…you're still safe with me…you'll always be safe here…nothing you did or can do will change that…I'll show you…" she said, easing herself on top of him.

He looked uneasy and was slightly unresponsive, like he didn't want to harm her in any way.

She smiled her understanding and took the lead, knowing that if she didn't do this for him, that his one safety net would fall through, and she couldn't, wouldn't let that happen.

She moved slowly, making everything deliberate and attentive, moving slowly down to help him penetrate her.

He let out a relieved groan when he was inside her again, but he didn't move at all. She looked up at him and saw fear and regret and an uncertainness that wasn't there before.

"It's ok…you can move sweetie, you're not gonna hurt me…just try to relax…we'll work it out…"

A slight bit of tension seemed to abate, but he was still extremely careful and he didn't move unless Sydney did first. She started to move on and off him, gently and tenderly running her hands up and down his chest, to his neck, caressing his face. She made sure that she was in contact with him at all times, knowing that the security this act had once given him had been slightly altered.

Both of their orgasms rose slowly, building to a crescendo that flooded like a dam when they both finally let go.

Sydney coached and encouraged Vaughn through the whole time, whispering gentle words that it was ok to thrust and that he didn't need to be so careful.

She sped up her movements when she could sense both of their orgasms on the horizon. She made sure he was deeply imbedded inside her when his first shudder hit him, his cock surged inside her as her own channel pulsed around him, milking him and coaxing his release.

"Look at me," she said as he started to come.

He struggled to keep his eyes open, but he managed to do so.

"It's ok…" she said slowly, "This is still safe…nothing changes that…ever…ok?"

Vaughn nodded tearfully and tried to relax after the release spilled over him. Sydney laid her head on his chest, his cock still deep inside her, connecting them.

"You're safe…" she said quietly.

He nodded and wrapped his arm around her, running his hand up and down her back.

"I'm sorry Sydney…"

She looked up at him, "It's not your fault…we'll be ok…go to sleep now…you need some rest."

Vaughn nodded and reveled in the feeling of being inside Sydney, her skin soft and silky on his.

He didn't want to sleep though; he'd had enough of that for tonight. He lay awake, just watching her, listening to her breathing…