Chapter 180: Guilty Conscience

"In the small circle of pain within the skull
You still shall tramp and tread one endless round
Of thought, to justify your action to yourselves,
Weaving a fiction which unravels as you weave,
Pacing forever in the hell of make-believe
Which never is belief: this is your fate on earth
And we must think no further of you." – T. S. Eliot

"No matter where you go or what you do, you live your entire life within the confines of your head." – Terry Josephson


A few hours later, Vaughn was still fighting sleep. Sydney had been sleeping for a while already, exhaustion finally taking over, but no matter how exhausted he felt; he wouldn't let himself succumb to sleep. The dream and the night's events kept replaying in his mind. The images and sounds all haunted him, but nothing was more haunting that Sydney's face looking up at him, the fear looming in her soft eyes. Not only had he succeeded in hurting the one person he loved most, but he had scared her as well. HE scared her. That would haunt his thoughts forever…

'How could I let this happen?' he thought, absently running his hand over her back. 'Why did I let those thoughts creep in? Why couldn't I push them out? Why do they still have so much control over me?'

He sighed tiredly, his body screaming for sleep, but his mind was far too active for that. He tried to regulate his breathing, to concentrate on relaxing, but it wasn't working very well.

He found himself drowning in a sea of uncertainty and fear, fear over what he'd done and fear that it might happen again. Uncertainty over what to do now… 'What would happen in the morning? Would he and Sydney be the same? Would she act differently? Who am I kidding? Of course things will be different…'

'Would she be afraid of him now? Would she pretend it didn't happen? Would she be more careful around him?' Thoughts began to drive him insane again, but he couldn't make them stop. It was like a disease that refused remission, he couldn't force them to go away, and he seemingly had no control over their direction.

His breath started to elevate, his body tense. If he didn't do something quick, he was going to wake Sydney up.

He closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths, and suddenly realized he could go to The Pier. 'In with the good, out with the bad,' he thought, forcing his brain to focus on something else.

'Water…sand…the beach…walking with Sydney…holding hands…making love at the beach…no one can hurt me here…I'm safe…'

He thought about when times seemed to be simpler, when their relationship was fun, they'd have dinner, they'd make love, they'd get up and do it all over again…times when the exhaustion of the day led to an even happier night, when the world closed in and they still managed to keep their heads above water…a time when his body was closer to the surface, when he wasn't lost in the flood.

He thought about when they'd make love because they were sharing intimacy, when it was all about emotion and love and not always about comfort…when they just needed to feel each other for no other reason than simple contact. When he hadn't needed her so desperately, or not needed her in this way…

His breathing had slowed, his body calmed, and when he felt ready, he slowly brought himself back from The Pier. He took a deep breath and then opened his eyes, Sydney was still lying next to him; he was still in the bedroom, reality settling back in…

He was calmer, but he still refused to sleep…

Sydney woke gradually, feeling Vaughn's warm body so close next to hers. She turned her head up to look at him, expecting to see him sleeping, but his gaze was firmly fixed on the ceiling.

That's when the previous night's events hit her.

"Vaughn?" she said quietly.

He brought his head down to look at her, searching her eyes. She could tell he was waiting for her to make the first move, to set the tone, to decide on any course of action.

"Are you ok?" she asked.

He nodded, "You?"

She smiled and nodded as well.

He smiled unconvincingly and tore his gaze back to the ceiling.

"Vaughn…did you sleep at all?" Sydney asked.

Vaughn shook his head, "I didn't want to sleep…"

She thought a moment; "Not getting sleep won't make things better…"

"When I slept last night, bad things happened, things I don't ever want to happen again. If I don't want it to happen again, then I won't sleep…"

Sydney shook her head, "You need to sleep – that's the first nightmare you've had in weeks…"

"That's because I've been too exhausted to have any…"

"No, you're just as tired now as you were then – you're getting better – but you're also reliving torture Vaughn…give yourself a break…"

"Why are you giving me a break? I could have really hurt you last night…I probably did," he shivered at the thought.

Sydney burrowed closer, trying to warm him, "Vaughn, I'm ok…I'm fine…I mean – it was scary, I'm not going to lie to you and say it wasn't…but I'm ok…and we'll deal with it…I understand why it happened I think…now we just have to figure out where to go…"

He looked over at her, "Why…why don't you just tell me to get the hell out of here…why would you want to deal with all of this? I'm not worth it Sydney…"

She reached out and touched his cheek, but her tone and demeanor were serious, "Michael – I don't ever want to hear you say that again. You are worth it – I wouldn't be here if you weren't…got it?"

He sighed, "You'd think with the therapy…I'd be getting better – seems that's the opposite."

"It will get better – and you didn't answer my question…"

He attempted a smile, "Yeah, I got it…I just don't want you to make a mistake with me…"

"I'm not – and you let me be the judge of that."

"So what do we do now?" he asked.

"We eat breakfast, and then we get dressed…we can take a bath…and we just keep going on Vaughn…"

He sighed and nodded, the weight of the thoughts still compounding on him. He knew this had affected Sydney more than she was leading on, but he'd already made the mistake, he didn't want to push her further.

She left him to make breakfast and returned a while later with the usual tray and his pills.

She helped him down the pills and eat, but the meal itself was rather quiet, somewhat strained.

After about half the meal, Vaughn looked over at Sydney. "I wish you'd just yell at me or something…"

Sydney turned to him, "Why?"

"Because I know I scared you…and I know I hurt you…"

"What good would yelling at you do? It wasn't your fault."

"Well who else is there to blame? I did it…"

"No – Sloane and Sark – they did it…they're to blame…"

"Well, they're not here – and I'm the one who acted it out…"

"Vaughn, I'm not mad at you…I'm hurt, yes, but not with you…I mean that when I say it – it's not your fault…you didn't have control over what you were thinking…"

"You don't know that…"

Sydney looked at him, "Did you say to yourself, 'Now I'm gonna hurt Sydney?'"

"No, of course not!"

"Did you make the words stay in your head?"

"No, I tried to make them go away."

"Then it's not your fault."

Vaughn sighed, "Just…you bottling anger at me or anyone – isn't going to help you. I made you a promise – that I'd go back if I ever hurt you…"

Sydney turned, "Are you serious?"

"Yes," Vaughn said resolvedly, "If you want me to go, I'll go…"

Sydney sat dumbfounded, "Vaughn, I don't want you to go anywhere…One bad night does not constitute you going back to the hospital."

"I never want to hurt you…I won't make that mistake again. And if I have to make the decision, I will."

"Vaughn, there's no decision to be made. It's over…and you're not going anywhere," Sydney said with a tone of finality.

Vaughn knew not to argue. He spent the rest of the meal looking down at the plate of food that Sydney had made. He noticed that she had made things that he didn't need help with. He had a fleeting thought that perhaps Sydney had done that deliberately, but he told himself he was just being stupid and paranoid now.

"You done?" Sydney asked him a while later.

He'd basically just pushed the food around, but Sydney didn't ask him about it.

He nodded and she took the tray away.

As he watched her walk out, he slumped back against the pillow, exhausted and frustrated.