SORRY FOR THE REALLY LONG WAIT!
Ok, it took me like HOURS to come up with this title - but when I did, I was SO excited...so - if you've read The Red Badge of Courage by Stephen Crane, then it might make more sense...
Chapter 181: The Purple Badge of Culpability
"Nine requisites for contented living: Health enough to make work a pleasure. Wealth enough to support your needs. Strength to battle with difficulties and overcome them. Grace enough to confess your sins and forsake them. Patience enough to toil until some good is accomplished. Charity enough to see some good in your neighbor. Love enough to move you to be useful and helpful to others. Faith enough to make real the things of God. Hope enough to remove all anxious fears concerning the future." – Goethe
"For safety is not a gadget but a state of mind." – Eleanor Everet
"While conscience is our friend, all is at peace; however once it is offended, farewell to a tranquil mind." – Lady Mary Wortley Montagu
"The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly; it is dearness only that gives everything its value. I love the man that can smile in trouble, that can gather strength from distress and grow brave by reflection. 'Tis the business of little minds to shrink; but he whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves his conduct, will pursue his principles unto death." – Thomas Paine
Sydney walked back in but stopped just outside the door when she saw Vaughn. He was lying on the bed. His eyes weren't closed, but he was trying to rest, she could see that much. He looked so tired, so…destroyed. She wanted nothing more than to comfort him, but she wasn't sure how much good that would do at the moment. She wasn't angry with him, she wasn't physically hurt, but she needed time to figure everything out. He was beating himself up about this more than he should have been, and she knew that wouldn't be healthy for him. And the not sleeping part, well that scared her more than what he did, because if he didn't sleep, his nightmares would turn into waking delusion, and well…that was just BAD.
She stood in the doorframe, arms crossed, and waited until he realized she was standing there.
He looked scared at her body language, but he managed a slight smile. He looked down at the bed, "You want me to go back…" he said quietly but with a tone that indicated he already knew she'd called.
She walked over to the bed and sat down on the edge. She smiled sadly and then shook her head, "This has really messed you up…" she took his hand, "And that just shows me how much you care about me. Because you're this upset…it just tells me how much you love me…You're not going anywhere," she said looking up at him, "Neither am I…we're both going to get through this…together. I just need time to process…and I know you'll give it to me…"
"I'd give you anything," Vaughn said almost silently.
She caressed his cheek, "I know…and I would too…anything…please, stop beating yourself up…"
Vaughn looked down, "I don't think I'll be able to do that for…" he trailed off, "I don't understand why…" he added with a choked voice.
Sydney leaned over, "We'll figure it out…but you need to rest…"
His eyes went wide and he looked up at her, "I don't want to sleep…"
"Vaughn," Sydney said in an authoritative tone, "You NEED to sleep."
"I…I don't think I could right now anyway…"
"What about that bath? Should we take one? Maybe it'll help you relax?"
"You wanna take a bath with me?" he asked, scared at her response.
She turned his head so that he was looking at her, "I wouldn't have asked you if I didn't. Stop doing that…it's not like I don't love you now or something. You're everything…"
Vaughn's brow furrowed.
"What?" Sydney asked concerned.
"N-nothing…" Vaughn said unconvincingly.
"Vaughn…"
"No, it's ok…"
Sydney stared him down, but she could see that the wall was placed and he wasn't going to let her in at the moment. She ran her hand in his hair and smiled, "Bath now?"
He nodded and she helped him get out of bed and trudge to the bathroom. The routine was the same, but he was much quieter than usual, but then, she was too.
She helped him ease into the tub after it was filled and she sat behind him. He made no attempt to touch her and he didn't automatically lean back into her until she pulled him back.
"Vaughn…" she said, whispering in his ear.
"Yeah?"
"It's ok to touch me…you're not going to hurt me…"
He sighed and put his hand over hers where it lay on his chest. It wasn't a lot, but Sydney knew it was a step.
She heard a small gasp as Vaughn took in a breath of air, "Vaughn?"
"Sydney…" he said, his voice laden with remorse, tears springing immediately.
"Baby, what's wrong?"
"I…" he hiccupped, "I did this…" he said, running a finger across her wrist.
Sydney looked down to where his finger was tracing, a few purple finger marks dotting the flesh. "Vaughn, they'll go away…they don't hurt…"
"That's not the point – I put them there…"
"Honey, you've given–" she stopped, changing her tactic, "Ok…listen, we've both marked each other before…"
"Not like this Sydney…that's not the same."
"I'm just saying, it'll go away…"
"But the memory of them won't!" he said distraughtly.
Sydney sighed, "Vaughn, I don't think anything I say is going to make you feel better…but I don't blame you…please stop feeling guilty about something you didn't have any control over…"
"We don't know that…"
"We talked about this before…"
"Did I hurt you anywhere else?" he asked quietly, his gaze glued to her wrist, his voice full of regret.
"I'm ok…"
"Did I hurt you anywhere else?" he asked slightly more forcefully.
She sighed again, "I'm a little sore…that's all…I'm fine…" she paused a moment, "Did you hurt your shoulder? Or anything else?"
"What does it matter? Look what I did to you!"
"Vaughn – it does matter – did you or not?"
"Not really, not any more that it already was…just sore…sensitive…"
"Are you telling me the truth?"
"Yes."
She nodded and they sat in silence for a few minutes. She kept his head on her shoulder, her other hand playing with his hair, trying to ease the tension in his body.
"Sydney?"
"Yeah…"
"Before…when…when you asked me…"
"Yeah…"
"The nightmare…you said that in the nightmare…"
"I did?"
"Yeah…but you were saying it…"
She waited, but he couldn't seem to get it out, "To…Sark?" she asked, pulling him closer.
He nodded.
"I would never say that to Sark."
"I know…I knew it then too…I just…I don't know what happened…I'm sorry, it just…caught me off guard when you said it."
"Well, I plan on telling you that you are my everything lots…so get used to it."
Vaughn smiled softly, "Yeah…well…the feeling is mutual…"
Sydney pressed her mouth to his head, and they just sat again in silence for a few more minutes.
When his body started to relax she washed his hair and the rest of his body and then did the same for herself quickly. She continued their normal routine, bandaging and wrapping, and leaned down in front of him.
"You want a shave today or you wanna skip it?"
"Skip it," he said tiredly.
She nodded and helped him back to bed, dressing him comfortably and then doing the same for herself. She moved to sit with her back on the headboard. She smiled at him, "C'mere…" she said and extended her hand.
He took it and let her position him in her arms. He laid with his head on her chest, right beneath her shoulder, her legs framing his body, one arm surrounding his chest, the other dancing in his hair. She knew that if she got him relaxed enough and kept up her steady and even motions in his hair that he'd eventually succumb to sleep.
He knew what she was trying to do, but he found that her embrace was too warm, too inviting, too safe to not take comfort and refuge in. "Sydney…"
"Yeah?" she said quietly, keeping the calm of the room in surround sound.
"I'm tired…" he said in a lost tone.
"Go to sleep baby, I promise you won't have a nightmare…"
"How do you know? What if I hurt you again?"
"You won't…just rest…it'll be ok…I promise."
He sighed, abdicating control, he just wanted it to stop. He'd trust Sydney and let his body, his mind, his soul rest, cradled in her arms.
She smiled as she heard his breath take on the familiar sound of sleep, deep and steady, relenting to his need and trusting her promise, trusting his sanity to her.
