Chapter 183: Redefinition

"Sleep hath its own world, and a wide realm of wild reality; And dreams in their development have breath, and tears, and tortures, and the touch of joy; They leave a weight upon our waking thoughts, They take a weight from off our waking toils, They do divide our being." – Lord Byron

"You will not grow if you sit in a beautiful flower garden, but you will grow if you are sick, in pain, experience losses, and if you do not put our head in the sand, but take the pain and learn to accept it, not as a curse or punishment but as a gift to you with a very, very specific purpose." – Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

"'The time has come,'" the Walrus said, 'To talk of many things: Of shoes-and ships-and sealing wax-Of cabbages-and kings-And why the sea is boiling hot-And whether pigs have wings.'" – Lewis Carroll

"It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour." – Francis Bacon


"That's been the one thing she could do to help you feel safe and loved, she probably thinks she did something wrong or didn't do something enough to stop it from happening. What you both need to know is that it's not either of your faults. And she needs you as much as you need her right now."

"To reassure her that it's not her fault?"

"Yes, and to reassure you that it's not your fault either."

Vaughn thought again, "I don't understand why it isn't my fault."

"It's not your fault because you didn't consciously make the decision to hurt her or lose control…nightmares are manifestations of your fears…and the nightmares help you to confront them and move past your fears…once you both accept that it's no one's fault – then you know that you can get past this."

"How do we get past it? I mean – how do I know I won't do it again? What reassurance can I give her?"

"Well one thing we're going to do is learn how to get to The Pier quicker. Another thing is to unlearn that violent reaction.

"Ok, so how do we do that?"

"First we're going to unlearn unwanted reactions. Think of it like you're teaching your brain not to disobey you, like training a puppy. First you need to realize that you have two problems stemming from just one reaction: the problem and your anger over it. The problem makes you angry enough, but you get angrier because you're angry. Think about why you're reacting like that in the first place and then think about how you can fix it."

"Ok."

"You can stop yourself from becoming worse if you accept that you're upset first. It's always easier to fix one problem than to try to fix two at the same time when you're already mad."

"Ok, so I was angry without realizing I was?"

"Exactly. You were angry because certain thoughts were intruding during a special moment, right?"

"Right. Plus I was angry at their remarks…"

"You needed to accept the fact that you were angry before trying to convince yourself you could overcome it."

"My way of overcoming it was to get violent with Sydney..."

"No, that was your reaction to not being able to overcome it or understand it. You got angry with yourself for not being able to control your thoughts or being able to block them out. Sydney just happened to be in the line of fire, so to speak."

"So how do I overcome it then?"

"Like I said, first accept that you're angry. Understand why you're angry. Then deal with your anger rationally."

"How do I deal with my anger rationally?"

"Your first instinct was to lash out and try to prove you could handle it, right?"

"Yeah."

"Right away, that went wrong. You were already angry, then you added more anger by trying to prove to yourself you were in control. You're never in control when you're angry. You have to understand that you're angry. Once you identify your problem, think of a way to fix it. Instead of getting mad about your feelings, instead of trying to convince yourself that you're not angry or not in control, try to diminish the feeling that started it.

"But I couldn't even do that last night when I was making love to Sydney..."

"How did you try?"

"Well I just tried to push the thoughts out, to convince myself that they weren't true, that they weren't right."

"What specifically did you say to yourself in your mind to push them away?"

"Well when I'd hear them say something about me being weak, I'd try to tell myself that I couldn't do this if I was weak. Or if I was hearing Sark...well, I knew he and Sydney never had a relationship, but the words just kept replaying...I guess maybe I didn't do enough..."

"See, you tried to reason with yourself, you tried to convince yourself you were fine before you tried to stop being angry. It's all about thinking before reacting. You went immediately to reacting to the thought defensively without trying to isolate your feelings."

"So, how do I isolate my feelings?"

"Identify them, then learn a new tactic for reacting and dealing."

"What kind of tactic?"

"Let's say you're angry, don't react to that with violence or rage as most people do. Think of other ways to react to anger. You know, sometimes things are funny when you're angry. Ever seen the look on other people's faces when they're angry? They look like petulant children that didn't get their way. Kids are funny. I'm not saying that every time you're angry to think of it as funny, I'm just telling you that there are other ways to react to emotions than what is clichéd."

"I don't think I could have thought anything was funny last night."

"No, probably not. But there had to have been some other way you could've reacted last night."

Vaughn let out frustrated and slightly defeated sigh.

"This is all about training yourself to think of another way to react and deal with things. Think before you react. Life is made of millions of choices. It's just a matter of which one you make. You go down one path and it's dark and bumpy and frightening. You could've taken another road that's butterflies and rainbows. It's all a matter of how you deal with it."

"What about the nightmares? Why did I suddenly have one last night? Was it because I've been digging into the torture more? Because if that's what my nightmares bring, then I don't want to sleep...like ever again."

"Probably because your repressed feelings are finally coming unbottled. You've tried so hard to not be more of a "burden" on Sydney, that you haven't dealt with all those feelings yet. Yes, finally admitting the whole story opened up that bottle, but the nightmares are just your body's way of releasing pent up emotions. Which is also why I've had you start a journal. Getting your emotions down on paper helps deal with the tension of carrying them inside you. Will you have more nightmares? More than likely. But it will get easier Michael. You also know how to deal with them better. Your body needs rest, keeping it awake is only going to make it worse. Not only will you still have to confront your problems, but you'll have added another to the mix. Lack of sleep makes people irritable and that in turn makes them angrier. We don't want that."

Vaughn sighed again and nodded resignedly, "I guess…"

"When all else fails, and you can't find another way to react, go to your safe place – go to the Pier…you seem to like going there."

"Yeah, I like The Pier – but it never even entered my mind last night."

"You don't always have to go through the breathing techniques to get there. The breathing is just a tool to help you get there, it keeps you relaxed and gives you time to let go of everything. Sometimes you don't have the chance to take your time to get there, you just need to get there quickly. One thing that helps get you there quickly is to say the name of your place. You say the name and it triggers the blood flow in the hippocampus to the memories those words invoke, that helps start the calming process. Then all you need to do is keep those memories going until you feel your body relax and feel your mind calm."

"So, The Pier is like my trigger to calm down and analyze my feelings?"

"Yes, The Pier acts as a trigger to happier times…Does this make sense?"

"Yeah."

"Good. Is there anything else you wanted to talk about today?"

"No…but...do you think you can talk to Sydney? I don't want her to think this is her fault, and I don't think she's going to talk to me about it."

"Sure, I can talk to Sydney if she wants. I'll talk to her only if you promise me that you'll at least try to talk to her. Deal?" Barnett asked with a raised brow.

"Deal," Vaughn answered nodding.

"Ok, then I'll see you next week. We'll talk about your journal writing and homework next week. I think you have enough to deal with right now. Ok?"

"Yeah, ok…thanks."

"You're welcome. Take care Michael."

"Bye Dr. Barnett."

She smiled and opened the door, slowly walking over to where Sydney was sitting on the couch.

"How are you doing Sydney?" she asked.

"I'm fine," Sydney said with an unconvincing smile.

"Are you sure?" Barnett asked.

"Yes, I'm sure."

"Okay then." Barnett paused, "Well, you have my number if you want to talk." She smiled again and turned to leave.

Sydney watched her start to walk away, "Wait…Dr. Barnett...I need to know something."

"Yes?" Barnett said turning around again to face her.

"I need to know how to handle this if it would happen again, because I'm not sure the way I handled it was the right way."

"How did you handle it?"

"Well..." Sydney blushed slightly, trying to keep the whole sexual side out of the story, "I tried to get him to snap out of whatever kind of trance he was in. I touched his face – really that was all it took...but it was the second time I did it – when he was forced to look me in the eye."

"You handled it well Sydney. It might seem like there was something else you could've done, but there wasn't. You helped snap him out of it, but it's something Michael really has to do himself."

"That's always been the one thing that helped Vaughn...it was his one safety net, and now, well he thinks it's tainted. He says it's the only time he really feels safe. I mean – was there something I could have done to prevent it? Did I do something wrong? I don't blame him – I know it wasn't his fault, but it was still scary. I just think that there must have been something else I should have been doing..."

"Don't torture yourself with things you think you could have done. There was nothing you could do to prevent this, Sydney. That's not a comforting thought, I know, but it wasn't either of your faults. You did everything that you could to help him. He can still feel safe. It might take him awhile before he's back to being himself, but I don't doubt that you two can get through this. Talk to each other. Don't shut him out because you think he's been through enough already and don't want to add to it. Not talking is only going to make it harder."

"He's beating himself up so badly over this...I just...I don't know what else I can say to him to make him understand..."

"I know. He'll come to understand it in his own time. And it will take some time, Sydney. He'll make sense of it and understand why it's not his fault. You can tell him it's not his fault all you want, but he won't accept it until he believes it. Just keep reassuring him that you're here for him."

"What if it happens again?"

"I can't promise that it won't, but I don't think it will. If it does, you both know how to deal with it better, you know what happened."

"Is there something else I can do for him when he has a nightmare?"

"Just talk him through it, hold him, let him talk about it."

"What if he's not real...forthcoming?"

"He might not be, but just let him know that you're there and you'll listen to him. Give him time too. He might need to analyze his nightmare himself before he shares it with you."

"I just wish I could do more – but I guess most of the time he has to do a lot of it on his own..."

"Yeah, he does. You do a lot for him already Sydney. He'll tell you when he's ready. Just keep doing what you've been doing."

"You do a lot for him too...Thank you...for everything Dr. Barnett." She smiled and looked at her awkwardly for a moment and then stood and hugged her.

Barnett accepted the hug and hugged her back and when they parted, Barnett smiled knowingly. "You can call me anytime if you need someone to talk to."

"Thank you, I will."

"Goodbye Sydney."

"Goodbye Dr. Barnett."