Chapter 184: Necessary Discourse

"Necessity knows no law." – St. Augustine

"And throughout all Eternity, I forgive you, you forgive me." – William Blake

"Two souls with but a single thought, Two hearts that beat as one." – Eliaius von Münch-Bellinghausen

"All your strength is in your union, All your danger is in discord." – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"Gentleness corrects whatever is offensive in our manner." – Hugh Blair


Sydney stood in the living room for a few more minutes, analyzing what Barnett had said, and then slowly walked back to the bedroom.

Vaughn looked up at her when she entered, "Hey."

"Hi," she replied and went to sit on the edge of the bed.

They settled into a restless silence, both having things to say, but neither knowing how or where to begin. Sydney just looked off at the chair, at the wall, at the nightstand, thinking about how she could start.

Vaughn looked down at the comforter, his brow furrowed in thought. Sydney risked a glance over at him, smiling at the way his forehead always cringed into that familiar position when he was lost in reflection and contemplation.

He looked up at her, catching her glance and smiled softly, the creases smoothing for a minute as he gazed at her. Then the contemplative face was back, "Syd…I really need to know what you're thinking…and I need you to be honest with me," he said, the fingers of his right hand nervously playing with the comforter.

"Well…I'm thinking that until you realize that it's not your fault, there isn't much I can say that I haven't already said. So, I'll just keep telling you that," she reasoned, "Until you figure it out and accept it for yourself…and I'm going to be supportive, and loving, and I'm not going to let you beat yourself up forever, because I love you too much for that."

Vaughn smiled at her analysis and then turned serious again, "Do you feel responsible?"

She turned so she was sitting, facing him on the bed. She looked down and then up at him, "There was a part of me that wondered if it was something I did, but–"

"You didn't do anything…"

"Let me finish…" she said, "I know it wasn't my fault either, but I kept thinking about what I could have done…if I had done this, would you have reacted differently. If I had said this, would you have stopped…I just didn't understand…but I knew that it wasn't your fault…and I knew that I didn't blame you. There wasn't anything either one of us could have done to prevent it. And once it happened, we both did what we could to help the situation."

"I didn't help the situation…"

"You stopped…"

"Yeah, but would I have? Would I have if you wouldn't have stopped me?"

"You're doing what I was doing – you're trying to think of what might have happened 'IF.' You'll drive yourself insane if you keep thinking in 'ifs.'"

"Barnett told me that too…I get it, I do…torture doesn't affect you conveniently…but…it affected me…I mean – I always feel safe inside you – it really bothers me – even if I didn't 'let' them in, that they invaded my mind while we were making love. When I stopped, I don't think I've ever been that scared…" he stopped taking a deep breath, "and while I get that I wasn't conscious of what I was doing, that thought scares me too…" he stopped but then started again, rambling, "Barnett went through all these things I can do if it happens again, and I'm trying to take all that in, mental notes, but I keep thinking, again? If it happens again? And she's talking about reacting to the anger and accepting I'm upset and fixing it, and I'm still trying to figure out after my whole life that I don't know this anymore…it's like now I can't even perform a simple emotion – I can't just get angry – it's changed everything…and I'm taking it out on you because I don't understand it and that just makes me angrier and I'm not even in control of my emotions…and now I have to relearn everything…relearn how to deal with anger! It's like I'm five! And everyone tells me it's gonna get easier and I'm just waiting for that moment to start…I feel like I'm not in control of myself…" he stopped suddenly, realizing that he was completely digressing, "Sorry," he said bashfully.

"No baby…you can tell me anything…I think that was good for you," she said with a smile.

"I think the thing that confuses me the most is why you want to be here…"

"Would you be here with me if it was the other way around?"

"Of course," Vaughn said without any hesitation.

"Well, then why is it so hard for you to understand? Would you blame me?"

"No."

"K, well…again – why is it hard for you to understand?"

"Because it's me…"

"You once told me I was the hardest on myself…we share that quality…"

Vaughn smiled and sighed, "I guess…it's just…I doubt I'm ever going to forgive myself…"

"Well, I've already forgiven you…so that should make some progress with forgiving yourself."

"Have you really?"

"Yes, Vaughn. I was scared, I didn't understand; I do now. It's not your fault; it's not my fault. Nobody 'did' this…it just happened. Now we move on."

Vaughn nodded, "You realize I'm not going to for a while though…"

Sydney smiled, "Yes, I realize this…"

She moved up to sit closer to him on the bed and kissed him softly, "That doesn't mean I won't keep telling you."

"Please keep telling me…"

"I will, don't worry…" Sydney said as she planted several more soft kisses on his delicious lips. "So…what do five year olds do for fun?"

Vaughn chuckled, "I'm not sure, I haven't been five in a while…"

"Hmm…well…let's see," she said, clearly thinking, "I have an idea…"

"You do…what's that?"

"It's a surprise…"

"Ok…" he said, a knowing smile on his face.

"Want me to spoil you?"

He chuckled, "Sure."

"Well…we're going to have some adult fun…fun that five year olds don't know about…"

"Mmmhmm…" he said, as she moved to straddle him on the bed.

She leaned over him and began a symphony of kisses, intensifying slowly, but gently, with languid kisses and soft touches. Sydney ran her hand up and down Vaughn's chest in a soothing manner as her lips kept his captivated.

Their tongues dueled gently; soft moans and the familiar sounds of their lips pressing together filled the room. Sydney inched her hand down to the bottom of Vaughn's shirt, pulling the fabric upward slowly.

He pulled out of her kiss and gently grabbed her hand, "Syd…I…I don't think this is such a good idea…"

"Relax baby…we did this last night."

"Yeah…but I don't want to hurt you…" he said softly.

"You're not gonna hurt me…we'll take it slow…" she assured him, smiling.

He gave her a shaky smile and nodded.

"I'm going to take your shirt off now, ok?"

"Yeah…ok."

She smiled sweetly and kissed him again, spending a few minutes making him lose himself and relax in the kisses, running her hands over his chest and under his shirt. She pulled him towards her, sitting him up, and gently pulled the shirt over his head before reclining him back again.

She gave him a mischievous smile and then removed her own shirt quickly, her bra following, as she sat on his lap.

He looked down at her breasts, laid bare for him, so inviting and tempting. He looked up at her, as if asking permission.

"It's ok…go ahead honey," she said, leaning forward more to give him easier access.

He looked at her unsurely, so she smiled and took his hands, careful of his shoulder and molded his hands under hers over her breasts. She squeezed with him gently, his gaze alternating from her eyes to where their collective hands covered her breasts.

"See baby? You're not hurting me…"

He smiled and relaxed his head against the headboard, content just to be touching her.

She let go of his hands and trailed her own up and down his chest in broad strokes, flicking the nipples on every other trail she made.

His head pressed back further and his eyes slipped closed as she continued her assault on his body. His hands didn't waver much from their original pattern, but that didn't bother Sydney, she was just happy that he seemed to be doing all right with the level of foreplay that they had already reached.

She let him get more comfortable with what they were doing before bending over and starting another round of kissing. He eagerly accepted her wet kisses, both of their hands still occupied on each other's chests.

Sydney pulled back slightly and looked down at him, "I'm going to take your boxers off now…" she told him.

His hands left her breasts and he became immediately uneasy. He started to shake his head, "No…Sydney…no…I can't…"

"Honey," she said, cupping his cheek and them moving her hands so both were on his cheeks, "Just relax…we do this all the time…"

He nodded, "I know…but…"

"No, honey," she said, forcing him to look her in the eyes, "There's no 'but,' there's nothing to be afraid of. I trust you…just relax…" she accented with a kiss.

She could tell he was still scared and uneasy, but she started to move towards his boxers anyway, a wet path of kisses following her as she made her way down. Once she was sitting between his legs, she gently pried at the waistband of his boxers, and then slowly and carefully pulled them down. She threw them aside and then discarded the rest of her own clothes as well. She crawled back up to him, and replanted herself on his lap.

She could see he was visibly tense, his body more rigid than it usually was, and not in a good way. "Just relax honey, we'll go slow…take our time…it's ok…" she ran her hands up and down his chest, and dipped her head down to kiss the spots that her hands had just traced over.

She leaned down again, pressing herself against him, her breasts crushed against his warm chest. She kissed his neck, all around his jaw line and ended up back at his mouth, sucking his lower lip into her mouth and nipping playfully before her tongue reentered his mouth and their soft dueling started again.

Sydney moved her hands lower, past his chest, on her way to his rising erection, but when he realized where she intended to go, he stopped her, "Syd…please…I just…I can't do this…"

Sydney stopped her movement and brought her hands back to his chest, "Vaughn…there's nothing to worry about…" she searched his face, "Look, I'm not gonna force you…if you want to stop…we'll stop…but I think you should give us a chance…"