191: After the Storm
"Let your tears come. Let them water your soul." – Eileen Mayhew
"Lips that taste of tears, they say, Are the best for kissing." – Dorothy Parker
"Doubt is not a pleasant mental state but certainty is a ridiculous one." – Voltaire
"Don't be discouraged. It's often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock." – Anon.
"Inside my empty bottle I was constructing a lighthouse while all the others were making ships." – Charles Simic
Sydney opened her eyes the following morning to the peaceful visage of the man she loved sleeping. She smiled and reached out her hand to caress his rough cheek. She was laying partially on him, and she wondered how she got here. She tried to remember the last thing before she fell asleep last night…the couch…crying on Will. 'He must have carried me in here,' Sydney thought. She turned her attention back to Vaughn. She felt refreshed after her crying episode last night, all the stress washed away or at least ebbed. She realized, if Vaughn didn't remember anything from the previous night, she'd have to find a way to tell him.
She was lost in her thoughts when she heard a raspy, "Hey…"
She turned her head and smiled at him, "Hi…"
He cleared his throat and looked at her, searching her eyes. Something was…off. "Syd?"
"Yeah?"
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing," Sydney said totally unconvincingly.
"Sydney…tell me…"
"Nothing…it's nothing…"
He observed her a minute and then decided he couldn't make her tell him. He thought a moment, "Well…I hope I'm not rubbing off on you…"
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know…I…it's like I had a dream…but I can't remember…I just remember being really scared…I hope it's not like wafting to your side of the bed," he said with a soft smile.
Sydney looked away from him.
"Sydney…is that it?" he asked, concerned.
"No…" she looked at him, "You…you had a night terror last night."
Vaughn's face scrunched in confusion, "A night terror? What the hell is that?"
"Well…you woke up screaming…like SCREAMING…"
Vaughn's confusion turned to shock, "I did? How come I don't remember?"
"Apparently that's what distinguishes a nightmare from a night terror…or one of the things…"
"How do you know this?"
"I called Barnett during it…I didn't know what to do…you wouldn't stop screaming…"
"I don't…I don't remember any of that…I just remember being scared…and I think I remember…snakes…"
"Yeah, you talked about them…they were chasing you, crawling on you. You screamed for like…fifteen minutes."
"I did?!"
"Yeah…then you just woke up and asked me who I was on the phone with and went back to sleep."
Vaughn stared at the ceiling for a few minutes, the only thing Sydney could come up with to describe his face, was a look of 'huh.'
He finally turned to look at her, "I'm sorry Syd," he said quietly, his eyes full of regret.
"For what?"
"Just…one more thing...and this isn't even something I remember. Just one more thing you have to deal with and I'm sorry…"
Sydney smiled softly, reaching her hand out to touch his face, "None of it is your fault…"
"Well, there's got to be someone who's responsible at the time. I just…I never wanted you to have to have this much to deal with because of me."
Sydney was quiet a moment, and then looked at him again, "Neither one of us can help what happens. I don't resent you or anything…it just…we just have to deal with it."
He sighed heavily, "Yeah, but sometimes I think you deal with more than I do…"
"No I don't…"
He turned to her, "Yes, you do," he said forcefully. "And no matter who we blame, Sloane, Sark, whoever, that doesn't change the fact that it's just you and me here…dealing with it. And while I sleep and don't remember, you do."
"Vaughn, I just see what you go through. I deal with what happens to you now. I don't deal with what actually happened to you. That's all in your head and I think that's gotta be worse than what I see."
He sighed again, "I just don't want you to have to put up with this much shit."
"Vaughn, I'll decide how much I can deal with ok? It just sort of…all hit me yesterday…"
"What do you mean?"
'Shit,' Sydney thought, now she'd have to tell him. "Well…I sort of…" she stopped, thinking, "I guess I sort of broke down…"
"You what?" Vaughn said wildly, shifting on the bed and wincing terribly.
"Are you ok?"
"What happened? How bad was this? I didn't hurt you again did I?" he asked, his face instantly turning ashen.
"No…no baby," she reassured him, "I was fine…it was just…scary…"
"Why?"
"Well because you were screaming like…well it was bad…truthfully, I've never heard anyone scream like that…my blood…just ice…" she shivered.
Vaughn pulled her over to him, hugging her tightly, "I'm sorry Sydney…"
"No, stop apologizing. It was just…" she buried her head in his chest, "It was really scary…I was afraid that something was happening to you and I didn't know how to help. I was pretty much hysterical when I called Barnett, and after, I just…lost it…"
"Sydney…I'm so sorry I wasn't awake…"
"Vaughn, stop. It wasn't your fault."
"So…what happened? What did you do?"
"I talked to Barnett for a while and then cried…"
Vaughn closed his eyes in remorse, "I should have been there…"
Sydney said quietly, "Will was…he let me cry…I fell asleep then…"
She just lay on Vaughn's chest, until she realized his chest was rising and falling differently. She pushed herself up and looked at him, tears falling. "Vaughn…"
"I should have been there to hold you…not Will…that's not…I'm sorry…I sorry I haven't been there for you the way you are for me…that I don't comfort you when you need it…"
"Vaughn," Sydney said frantically, her own tears starting to fall, "No…it's not…please honey…don't cry…"
They both dissolved into a soft flurry of tears, quiet sobs as they held onto each other. Before long, they'd both fallen asleep again and when they opened their eyes, they saw the same emotions reflected in the others.
Sydney reached out her hand and smoothed it through Vaughn's hair, his mimicking her actions almost simultaneously.
"I'm sorry I'm not there for you like I used to be," he said quietly.
She smiled softly, "It's your turn…and you're still there for me…"
"Not really…but I want to be…"
"Sometimes, I think you have enough to deal with…"
"Sometimes I think you think I have too much to deal with and then don't tell me when I'd be perfectly fine helping you and getting my mind off what I have to deal with."
Sydney chuckled, "You're probably right…I'll try harder ok?"
Vaughn smiled, "I'll try to ask more…"
"But don't think that you have to be strong all the time…ok? You can have comfort too…"
"Yeah, I know Sydney…"
"Ok."
She leaned over and pressed her lips to his, their kiss soft yet full of all the passion and love that they felt for each other. When they parted, both were smiling, a new understanding in place.
Something from before flashed in Sydney's mind, "Vaughn," she said.
"Yeah…"
"How much pain are you in?"
He smiled softly and chuckled, "Well…let's just say, the way I feel at the moment, makes more sense knowing that I bolted up in bed last night."
She sat up, "Can you move?"
"Yeah," he said moving painfully, "Well…define 'move.'"
"Stop," Sydney said as she watched his face break out in a grimace, "Just relax. Where does it hurt?"
"My shoulder mostly…" he said.
She held onto his arm and rotated the shoulder. He let out a sharp cry, "Sorry…"
"Mmm…k that sucked."
"We haven't been keeping it in the sling either…" Sydney cringed, "Too much too soon…"
"I wanted to…"
"Anything else?"
"My ribs are a little sore…kinda stiff…but it's not bad," he said, attempting to sit up slightly. He was completely unsuccessful however.
"Vaughn…" Sydney said shaking her head and sighing, "We have to be more careful…we can't rush things."
"Sydney, I've been laying her for over a month, I need to push myself."
"But not to the point of re-injury."
"Well, I don't think my brain was really too worried about re-injury last night from the sounds of things."
"I'll get your pills…and I'm gonna call Tom too…"
Vaughn sighed, "Yeah, he hasn't been here in a few days…needs to make the rounds."
Sydney came back with his pills and grabbed the phone.
It rang a few times, "Dr. Barker…"
"Hey," Sydney said.
"Hi Syd…what's up? Mike ok?"
"Yeah, well…"
"Uh oh…"
Sydney chuckled, "Well, we've sort of been slacking on the sling…now he's in pain…like if I move it at all, it just kills him."
"Ok…I can be over to check it out in about a half hour…that ok?"
"Yeah, that's fine."
"Ok, I'll see you in a while."
"Thanks Tom."
"Bye Syd."
Sydney hung up the phone and smiled at Vaughn, "He'll be over in a bit."
"Ok…"
"Should I make us something to eat before he gets here?"
"Sure."
"What do you want?"
"Mmm," he craned his neck to look at the clock, wincing, "Well…it's only 10…still breakfast time…" he said with a smile.
"I'll go look…" Sydney said with a smile and a kiss before she opened the bedroom door and walked out to the kitchen.
