Chapter Two: The Conflict
He was sitting in the dark room, starring at the blank paper. He couldn´t sleep, so he tried to write to the wall. They needed an answer, and importantly him. He was restless. When was the last time, he fully slept? Sleep is for the weak, you can sleep when you´re dead.
His mind went to Sansa. Was she asleep now? Of course, she must be really tired. She looked so pale and tired. What have they done to her? He tried not to think about it much, cause it upset him too much. He wished he had been there with her. If I had been there with her, I would have protected her and Arya. And maybe….he could have saved his father or uncle if the rumors were true. If Howland Reed said the truth. What have they done to them? There was no family left. Since Robert Baratheon came to Winterfell, everything turned upside down. What if Jon Arryn never died? What if their father never became the hand of the king? Would they still be so miserable right now? He looked down at Ghost. He was asleep. Jon stroked his head and smiled.
"Good to see one of us resting" he said with a smile.
Coming back to reality his smile faded away. So many things I have to do. And too little time. Sometimes he wished he could be a boy again. Just a child who didn´t know anything, who had innocent eyes. Who only saw the beauty in this world, and nothing more. No death, hunger or war. Just pure joy.
A boy could dream, he thought. But he wasn´t a boy anymore for a very long time, he couldn´t afford to think like that. He was a lord commander. Whether he liked it or not. He had taken an oath.
A hesitant knock brought him out of his thoughts.
"Jon?" a voice said.
"Come in" he answered.
Maester Sam came in and sat in front of him. Sam looked tired.
"Why are you still awake Sam?"
"I had some work to do, and I really wanted to go to sleep, but I knew you
weren´t still asleep..so I thought I would look after you."
"You don´t have to, go to Gilly she must be waiting for you" he said calmly.
After he mentioned her, Sam looked guilty. Sam lived with her and felt terrible, cause he broke his oath. Jon told him that as a maester he could have this free pass, but only on the condition that he was discrete. Still when they talked about her, Sam looked like he killed someone.
"Yes and I will be in a minute, but I wanted to talk with you."
"About what?" Jon asked curious. He knew that Sam wouldn´t come so late at night, if it weren´t so important.
"About Sansa. Jon you can´t be here forever, we have to go back to the wall. They need their commander! If you´re not there, what will happen? The wall can´t be protected without a commander."
"Don´t you think I don´t know this? Why do I hesitate to write back? Why can´t I sleep? Sam I can´t leave her" he replied outraged.
"I know, that´s why I came here. I thought you could take her with you."
He thought he heard wrong. Taking her with him to the wall? Where Stannis and the red woman was. No, he couldn´t. It was too dangerous for her. He would never jeopardize her life.
"No" he said only.
"Jon I know what you´re thinking, but she´s more in danger without you! When she´s all alone here. Don´t you think it´s better to have her in your proximity so you can protect her? Believe me I wouldn´t take it into account, if I didn´t think it would be better for her. After all she´s your sister. She´s from your blood. So she´s like my family. I don´t want her to hurt."
"Thank you Sam. I still don´t know what to do, I have to think about it. This is not an easy decision for me. I know that we have to go back. And I will not forget it. You still remember my oath..
"And I will not forget it Jon. Now I will leave you be, you should sleep. You need to rest Jon" he said and stood up. Jon wanted also to get up, but Sam waved him off .
"I can find my way out. Good night."
"Cousin."
"What?" asked Sam.
"She´s my cousin, not my sister."
Sam didn´t reply. He just went straight to the door, and opened it.
Leaving Jon alone with his own thoughts.
He waited some minutes and left then his chamber. He went to the room across from him. Sansas. The guard let him pass without any questions, after all he was under his command. He closed her door as quietly as possible, he didn´t want to wake her. Her room was pitch-dark. He couldn´t see really much, only the shape of her body under the blanket. And the beautiful long red hair. Of course he couldn´t see the color because of the darkness but he knew it was red. It was spreaded all over her bed. He went straight to her bed and looked at her. She looked so peaceful. Full of hope. It was like she never saw darkness. He could hear her soft breathing. She must have a beautiful dream, he thought. If I could only sleep like that. He stroked her right cheek and closed his eyes. He was tired.
"Jon? Is it you?" muttered Sansa, eyes still closed.
"Yes, it´s me. I thought I would check on you, before I would go to sleep."
Sansa opened her eyes, trying to adjust to the darkness. She saw him kneeling in front of her. His eyes were closed. She stretched her hand out, and stroked his beautiful dark hair, which reminded her so much of her fathers.
"You look tired Jon, you should go to sleep."
"And I will, after you fell asleep" he said, eyes still closed.
"Jon don´t be ridiculous! You need to rest, I will be fine. You don´t need to worry, I won´t break." I don´t want to be alone, please stay she wanted to say, but she kept quiet.
"I know. You´re not a child anymore, but still…I´m responsible for you. Let someone take care of you."
"Ok" she just replied.
"Ok"
"Jon?"
"Yes?"
"What´s wrong? And don´t tell me it´s nothing. Something is clearly bothering you! What is it?" she asked caring.
"It´s nothing for you to bare. Just a small thing on the wall."
"You have to go back."
"Don´t worry, I won´t leave you. It´s nothing."
"Nothing is nothing" she used his own words against him.
He laughed. She was a smart lass.
"And?" she said impatient.
"Sam suggested something."
"And what did he suggested, that makes you so nervous?"
"You were right. I have to go back, but not for long. I´m the lord commander, I can't be gone for a long time. Sam reminded me of my duty as a commander, like I would not know it. I was there when we made the oath. But he´s right, I can´t abandon them. They´re my brothers now."
"I know Jon, I would never hold you back. I understand" she said with a sad voice. He opened his eyes and looked at her.
"Like I said before, I won´t leave you. You will come with me" he said carefully.
Sansa was speechless. She didn´t know what to say. He would not leave her alone, he would take her with him even if it was forbidden.
"You would really do that?"
"Of course. You´re family, I will not abandon you ever. We will stay together, we can´t afford to lose each other again. We´re the only Starks left."
"And Targaryens" she said.
"If the rumors are true."
"Why should Howland Reed lie about something so important like that. He won´t gain anything from it" she looked at his grey eyes, even though she couldn´t really see them because of the darkness.
"Do you want it to be true?" she asked.
"I don´t know. I don´t know anything Sansa" he said honestly. She left his hair and took his left hand in hers.
"It doesn´t matter. You look like a Stark and you will always be one. Now go to sleep, or I will drag you out myself."
Before he could stand, Ghost came. He made himself comfortable between Sansas lap. He always sought her nearness.
"He likes you" he stated.
"And I him. He reminds me of Lady, I miss her. I wish she was still here."
Jon felt for her. He could never live without Ghost. Sometimes he thought they were the same person. He couldn´t imagine how the loss of her wolf must feel.
"I´m sorry love, I truly am."
"It´s ok, it was long ago."
After that they were both quiet, too tired to talk. Jon stayed until she fell asleep.
It was cold outside, winter was coming like his father always said. It was still early in the morning, when Jon was practicing with his sword. Trying to make his mind clear, hitting with it without a specific goal. After a while he heard someone behind him.
"Don´t fret. It´s just me, Sam."
Jon laid the sword carefully to his original place, and turned to Sam.
"Please don´t say, you came here because you waited the whole night for an answer" he said.
"No Gilly has sent me to ask you, if you have already eaten."
"Yes, but not too much. I´m not really hungry. What of Sansa? Is she already awake?"
"Yes, she is. She´s in the godswoods."
Sam headed away, when Jon spoke again.
"I told her" he said to him.
"That you will take her with you to the wall."
"How did you know, I would take her with me."
"I just knew. How did she take it?" asked Sam.
"Surprisingly good."
"That´s good Jon. When will we leave?"
"In less than a week" replied Jon.
Sansa was only in her undergarment, when Jon bursted into her room. She was shocked for a minute, and didn´t know what to do. After a while she just turned around.
"Jon. I´m changing."
"I know..I´m sorry" he said with a shaky voice and closed his eyes.
She knew that he was an honorable man, and that he meant it. So she let it be, after all she trusted him. He wasn´t like the other men, who lusted after her and used her for their own purpose. He was her brother or…cousin.
She turned around again, seeing him with closed eyes. She laughed.
"You can open your eyes again."
He did, seeing her in a beautiful black, long armed dress. It bought out her slender waist, he tried not to stare too much but he couldn´t help himself. Although he wore the black, he was still a man. A man who didn´t lay with a woman for a very long time. He felt guilty, about his inappropriate thoughts. He didn´t want to feel like that around her. She was innocent, and too young.
"Why are you laughing?" he asked.
"I don´t know, I find your discomfort amusing."
"I see" he said and stepped forward till he was inches away from her.
"You look sweaty, did you practiced with the sword?"
"Yes, and I wanted to take a bath. And I will went for it in a minute, but I wanted to tell you something first."
"What is it?"
"Nothing special. Sam came to me and asked me when we will head to the wall."
"You did not change your mind or?" she asked anxious.
"No. We will leave in a week, make all your preparations before we leave."
He tried to sound commanding, so she would not see the lust in his voice.
But the attempt failed. He hoped she didn´t catch on it.
"Good to know." she answered.
"Now I need a bath, if you will excuse me" he said and went to the door.
She didn´t say anything, so he left.
When the door was closed, he inhaled deeply. So close, he thought. What was wrong with him? He should probably go to the godswoods, so he would get off from his dark thoughts. He never had a problem around women before, he could always control himself. But the temptation with her was too high.
He was playing with fire.
I´m sorry for any grammatical mistakes, but I don´t have a beta :) I hope you like it! And I would love to know what you think:)
