I have just figured out that I am not, in fact, high or stoned or anything of the sort. Nor, my good friends, am I drunk. How, then, did I come up with this random collection of insanity? I HAVE NO FREAKIN' CLUE. To my reviewers:
SharinganWarriorTribute: oh hi Rocky. I hope you like this one
umichi: problem? Yikes…
Anime Maniac 10: are you saying I shouldn't have written that particular word? I've seen a lot of rated T stuff w/ a lot more f-bombs than this.
Chapter 6A cute little furry thing with black and white fur stared up at Chazz with beautiful, soulful eyes…
Oh my GOD, what's wrong with me? That's no way to start a humor fic's chapter! Just read the rest.
A cute little furry thing with black and white fur and soulful eyes attempted to remove Chazz's nose.
Chazz, being Chazz, screamed bloody murder. And, lord help us, the world is ending, Zane laughed at him. I edged away from the elder Truesdale slowly.
"Zane…are you okay?" I asked cautiously.
"Perfect, why do you ask?"
"You're laughing."
"So is everyone else," he pointed out. They were; Chazz not included, of course. The skunk was still attached firmly to his nose.
"So? Chazz has been being attacked by cute little animals since chapter 2, I think, and you weren't laughing then…"
"HAS ANYONE SEEN MY CLOTHES?" Atticus yelled, clad in a toga made of a towel.
"NO, YOU PERV! WHY WOULD ANYONE HAVE?" Alexis screamed back. "DID YOU CHECK YOUR SUITCASE?"
"No." Alexis sweatdropped. Atticus ran back to his tent.
"FOUND 'EM!!!!!" I facepalmed. So did everyone else, including Chazz, who now sported both skunk and squirrel, the latter once again attempting to nest in his hair.
"So, as I was about to say…" Zane began, "I was a little busy attempting to escape the idiocy at the time, but as I have realized that there is no escape until this insane trip is over, I have decided that laughing at Chazz's pain is the most productive way to spend my time."
"Oookaay," I said.
"Zane. Zane. Zane. Zane." Atticus said repeatedly. Zane ignored him. "Zane. ZANE. ZANE!!!!!" This continued for a good ten minutes.
"WHAT!?" Zane screamed finally.
"Why is Chazz pink?"
Chazz was not pink. Zane looked like he might kill something.
"Atticus…" he said dangerously. "Just how much of Alexis's nail polish did you eat?"
"Five bottles," Atticus said innocently. "Why?" Zane's eye twitched.
"Alexis! Where is the happy jacket!?" Zane yelled.
"In my suitcase! Why?"
"Atticus ate five bottles of nail polish!"
"OH MY GOD!!!!!" Alexis screeched. She dashed over to her tent, a few explosions were heard, and she then emerged with straightjacket in hand. "Got it!"
After a few minutes of chasing the drunk-on-nail-polish idiot, Alexis managed to trap him in the straightjacket, at which point he decided that it was time to run into a tree.
A can of pink paint fell from the sky on Chazz's head, concussing both squirrel and Chazz. And turning them a lovely shade of bubblegum pink. Somehow, the skunk had managed to avoid this fate and stood a few feet off, staring somewhat stupidly at the pink things.
"Bunnies…" Chazz said dazedly. "DEATH TO CARROTS! GET ME AN ARMY OF THE FURRY RASCALS IF YOU MUST, BUT DEATH TO THE CARROTS!!!!"
I blinked. What? Death to carrots? You've got to be kidding me; this is weird even for Chazz. Why carrots?
"Chazz hates carrots," Jaden said, somehow having snuck up directly behind me. I jumped.
"GAH! Jaden. Hello," I said awkwardly. "Ummm…how do you know this?"
"He freaked out in the forest once while we were looking for Banner, and started yelling 'I don't like carrots' or something like that…"
"Oh yeah!" Syrus said. "I was there too! And Chumley was there, but he's not here because he got food poisoning."
"Okay…I assume Chazz hates pink too, right?" I asked.
"What goth-emo-whatever-he-is does?"
"Hey!" I cried. "Don't you dare go Goth-bashing! Chazz-bashing, maybe, but lay off us Goths!"
"You're a Goth?" Syrus asked confoozledly. The look on his face of pure bafflement (this is actually a word) was priceless and adorable.
"You didn't know that? Weird, I thought Zane would have told you…"
Syrus gave me a weird look.
"Since when does Zane tell me anything?"
"Oh right," I realized. "Sorry. And you were right about the pink thing." I shuddered theatrically. "Hate it. Chazz's new hue has blinded me." I winked. "Got a mirror on you, kiddo?"
"Don't ever call me that again and you can keep it."
"Deal," I said. "Hey! Chazz! Come over here for a minute!" He slowly picked himself up and staggered over to Syrus and me. "Look in the mirror." He glanced into it.
And screamed loud enough that the poor squirrel squealed and jumped off his head into a bush.
And then it came back with a hoard of chipmunks and squirrels and hedgehogs and a badger with a squeegee (don't ask).
Which all decided that it was "Attack the Loud Pink Human" day.
The original squirrel, whose name was Floofletoadwithicecreamiluvjimmy, and who was still pink, whipped out a rapier (which was actually a toothpick) and stabbed Chazz's foot with it. Floofletoad then squeaked an order to his army of cute fuzzy things and the squeegee-armed badger promptly knocked Chazz over and sat on his head.
"What's with the forest animals and attacking Chazz?" Alexis asked.
"I don't know, but it's funny!" Daphne said. "Popcorn?" she asked, offering a trashcan-sized bucket of the stuff. "I know he's my boyfriend and I should be trying to save him, but this is more fun, and I like Kurama better anyway."
"Okay…" Alexis said. "Don't know him, but popcorn sounds good." She dug her hand into the popcorn bucket.
"I don't know about the popcorn, but the show, at least, is interesting," said Zane. A chipmunk attempted to jump on him, but it froze in midair and fell to the ground, twitching.
"Uhh, Zane?" I asked. "What did you just do to the chipmunk?"
"Death glare," he said dismissively.
"Nice," I complimented. "Does it do that to fangirls?"
"Oh please, that was only a sixteenth of what this can do. A fangirl? Full power? I'd incinerate it."
"Please do, then; there's a Mary-Sue right behind you." Zane whipped around.
It was a fantastic (in this context meaning sickening) specimen of a Sue, with bright pink and purple hair down to her knees and literally sparkling eyes that kept changing color from green to blue to purple to red and over in that cycle. She looked like she had stuffed a triple-D size bra, and she was wearing a low-cut belly shirt, a miniskirt that made the Duel Academy girl's uniform look like a Catholic school's dress code, and thigh-length bright pink six-inch platform boots.
Chazz had a nosebleed. Alexis and Daphne both smacked him very hard in the head.
"Chazz, you idiot, that's a Sue!" Daphne hissed. "I might be able to watch cute little forest animals attempt your murder, but I will not let you fall prey to the evils of the perfect little whore."
"Shall I?" Zane asked, twitching slightly. "It's looking at me."
"Oh please do," I said. "By all means, kill it."
"Hi guys!" the Sue said perkily. "I'm Diamond, and I'm the Duel Monsters champion of every country I've ever been to! I have an IQ of five billion forty-three! I'm an only child and both my parents died in a tragic accident involving the Shadow Realm after leaving me their legendary cards, the Diamond Dragons! So my evil long-lost aunt who was actually the queen of the Shadows raised me! I'm also the Chosen One who can break the spell that keeps me from destroying my aunt's evil powers by falling in love with and marrying a great warrior champion! My parents said that my eyes will glow pink and my hair will turn red when I meet him!" Her eyes kept flashing pink and her hair was starting to fade to red as she looked at Zane.
Zane was not happy about this.
The Sue exploded.
"Wow," I said as it rained Sue-blood. "Didn't you say incinerate before?"
"I was in a bad mood," Zane said flatly. "Incineration doesn't have enough gore in it, and I REALLY like gore when it comes to Sues."
"Oookaay…" Atticus said. "Gore…didn't know that was your thing, Zane."
"Weren't you listening? It. Was. A. Sue. I was in a bad mood. Bloody demise of the Sue was more fun. Especially since I think it was hitting on me…"
"Yeah, it definitely was. I like your approach, Zane. Nice touch with the fountain of blood," Daphne commented.
"I thought that might be a good idea. I just REALLY wanted to kill it."
End ChapterWell, it's longer than usual, and it has the death of a mary-sue, the most evil creature in fanfiction. Review please. And tell me if you want more sue-death or for this one to come back and blow up again.
