The Moriya Shrine, a lovely shrine on top of the Youkai Mountain, with a large lake with large sacred logs sticking out of the water to the far back-right of the shrine, its donation box at the end of a long concrete trail, which leads to the large gate at the exit, or entrance of the shrine, which is actually quite a long trek, and humans would find this walk rather annoying, with the youkai and all that, but anyway, back to the shrine.

Behind the donation box is the main shrine, where weird rituals take place... well, actually, they are holy stuff, but they are boring, and sometimes, the deities that live there make some weird dances while in there.

Now, to the left of that main shrine is the building with the sleeping rooms, the kitchen, the bathroom, the toilet room, the living room... in short, the living quarters.

Yes, the place is very nice, and is quite peaceful, if the buildings were there in the first place.

All the buildings I just mentioned are either on fire or leveled, thanks to the unnamed ghostly ship that fell right on top of the almost fully re-built shrine.

Why 'fully rebuilt'? Because before the ship fell on it, it had exploded for no apparent reason, and Reimu didn't care.

Budou has Merlin, Kali, Marisa, and even Ail, hanging upside down by their ankles with some rope from the branches of one of the few remaining standing trees.

Ail glares at his little bat-youkai daughter, and with an angry smile on his face, he asks "and why am I being punished when I didn't do anything wrong?"

Budou, with her beautiful long teal hair that rests on the large brown bat wings on her back, a large white bow with black borders on the left side of her head, her cute violet eyes without pupils, wearing a short-sleeved brown dress with a teal apron that rest on her skirt, which covers down to her calves, and pink socks with magical enhancements to allow her claws through without breaking, twirls on the tip of her right foot, stops and opens her large wings, winks at Ail, then says "mama's orders."

Ail sighs, palms his face, groans, then asks "all that introduction for that? Sweetie, why don't you just say it was Sanae's idea from the start?"

Budou flaps her wings twice, smiles, making sure her left tiny fang is seen under her top lip, then says "she said it would make you mad, and that she wants to see you like that."

Ail groans, looks at Marisa who is just dangling there, her hat even defies gravity by staying on her head, then says "she must be watching form somewhere, but where? I swear, when I get my hands on her, I'm gonna..."

From one of the remaining sacred logs on the now-messy and destroyed lake, Sanae uses a monocular to spy on Ail; her cheeks red, drool drips from her open smile, and steam comes out along with her hard breath, and after looking at his angry red face, and the terrorized and embarrassed faces of Marisa, Kali and Merlin, she smacks her lips and says "I love it when he talks dirty like that."


It's early morning, and at the S.S. In Your Face Murasa's kitchen, one still-groggy Yumemi sits in front of the dinner table with two toast slices in the center on a napkin, a butter knife to the left of the bread, and a jar of honey to the right of all.

Her eyes are narrowly open, her captain's hat is slanted to the left, her striped shirt and pink jeans seem a little baggier than usual, and her hair, though combed and clean, still has a few wriggled strands springing off her head and toward the air.

She grabs the butter knife, sticks it in the honey jar, then the knife makes a clean clink upon reaching the bottom of the empty jar.

Yumemi blinks, breathes in, and in a groggy and unfriendly tone of voice, she says "Chiyuri... get down here."

In the fraction of a second, the captain-wannabe appears to Yumemi's left, saluting her mistress and asking "what is it, miss Yumemi?"

In a rather dangerous low tone of voice, Yumemi asks "why is the honey always gone?"

Chiyuri starts to sweat and tremble, slowly thinking her replying options.

In her mind, she sees three:

a) Because we ate it all and forgot to restock.

b) Lily White.

c) we were raided by the Palanquin crew.

She picks 'c', and with a smile on her face, she says "because those Palanquin bastards came and raided our stores."

WRONG ANSWER!

Annoyed, Yumemi grabs Chiyuri by her neck with her right hand, pulls the blonde closer to her face, and with blood-shot eyes glaring back at the frightened girl, Yumemi ominously says "so they raided our stores, you couldn't salvage even one measly jar, and you didn't even have the balls to buy more this morning..."

Chiyuri nervously whimpers and says "b-b-but the stores at the village aren't open yet!"

Ignoring her subordinate... who's supposed to be the ship's captain, Yumemi ominously says "eating plain toast makes my mornings very irritable. Do you like to see me irritated like this?"

Chiyuri rapidly shakes her head left and right repeatedly, then stops to look at Yumemi again, who continues "that is what I thought. Still, it's too late, the cat's out of the bag..."

Chen jumps straight out of a flour bag, coughing and growling angrily as she exits the kitchen, then Yumemi pusher herself closer and closer to Chiyuri, covering the cowering sailor's face with a dangerous shadow, and whispers "punishment."

Later, at the Human Village's market place, Chiyuri walks a little funny, with her legs slightly spread, as she goes around each shop asking for honey, and pulling on a small brown wheeled wagon that already has various jars of honey towering on it.

She comes across Kotohime, who is merely going to ignore the blonde girl, but when she notices the funny way Chiyuri is walking, she turns around and asks "hey, miss captain, what happened to you?"

Chiyuri turns around with tears dangling under her eyes, and a pained smile on her face, blushes, shivers, then says "I've been a bad girl.", then a little pink heart floats from her chest, and pops when it reaches the air above her head.

Kotohime's face turns pale at the sight, then gulps and says "I-I'm not man enough for this...", then continues on her way, ignoring a possible incident.


Over at the Palanquin, Nue leans on her backs against the rails over at the farthest edge of the ship's back deck, coincidentally called, the poop deck, smiling mischievously, while Kogasa kneels on the floor hugging her eggplant-colored umbrella with its long red tongue sticking out, blushing while looking at an open magazine in front of her.

Nue sighs with accomplishment, then says "and that's how humans mate. You know, it's not so bad once you gets used to it."

Blushing and trembling while still looking at the magazine, which is censored by these strange blurring translucent squares, Kogasa softly asks "s-so you've done it? You-you... really done this? With... a man?"

Nue flaps her right hand around while confidently saying "oh, yes, I've done it LOADS of times!"

A red UFO appears next to Nue, bearing a large blue zero on it, then flies away after the word "lying virgin" writes itself in shifting green and red letters just below it.

Neither Nue or Kogasa notice this.

Nue continues "but poor miss Hijiri, she hasn't had the chance of experiencing such bliss."

Nue pushes herself away from the rails, walks over to Kogasa, grabs her by her shoulders, pulls her up, and sounding dramatic, she says "that's why I'm showing you this! You, Kogasa Tatara! You are destined to save Hijiri from her frustration! Only YOU can please that monk of a woman until she screams to the skies with ecstasy!"

Kogasa looks at Nue with curiosity, blushes, looks to her left and then to her right with her eyes, then looks back at Nue and says "umm... but I'm a girl, and she's a girl. I can't."

Nue raises her left eyebrow and stares at Kogasa with great confusion, then releases the karakasa ghost, grabs the censored magazine in a flash, flips through its pages, then sighs and says "jeez, I gave you the wrong one, dammit.", then whispers "I was supposed to give her that other one with the two girls."

Nazrin spins in the air high above Nue, and when she's right about to fall on the nue youkai girl, she pulls a mallet five times her own size from under her skirt and uses the momentum of the spin, mixes it with all her might, then strikes the girl as hard as she can, shouting "MATHEMATICS ARE A PAIN~!"

Kogasa shrieks with surprise and takes a few steps away from Nue and Nazrin, then the mouse youkai uses the mallet's handle as a trampoline, and summersaults toward Kogasa, releasing that massive mallet, which remains on the ground just as it landed.

Nazrin wraps her left arm around Kogasa, and noticing the poor mostly-turquoise colored girl is nervous, Nazrin sighs and calmly says "look, forget whatever that pervert was just saying to you."

Kogasa miraculously recovers, and looks at Nazrin with a natural and adorable smile while loudly asking "forget what? What happened?"

Nazrin smiles, then pulls Kogasa along as she makes her way back to the deck, chuckling and saying "you're a good girl. Come, you earned a treat."

As they make their way to the front, Kogasa happily exclaims "I don't know what just happened, but I still love treats."

Nue lies on her stomach on the floor of the poop deck with the mallet lodged on her upper back, and her entire body trembles very violently as she uses her right hand to try and write the letters 'R' 'A' and 'T' with her own blood.

Before she is done, the new crewman... I mean, crewwoman, walks by with a wet mop and mops away Nue's hard work.

It's Suwako Moriya, the goddess from Moriya Shrine. She wears her hair in a ponytail tied by a wrapped red string, has her straw hat with eyes on her head, has green eyes herself, and wears a long-sleeved brown turtleneck shirt that covers her all the way down to her thighs, a pair of tight black shorts, long thigh high red and white striped socks, and black shoes.

The little goddess stares at the twitching Nue on the floor, sees mashed poop, her face turns green, she holds her mouth from puking, and after recovering, she says "ugh, I'm not cleaning that. It's disgusting."


Later that day, the three ships are airborne once again, and once again, are exchanging cannon fire and magic bullets, as well as some boys and tengu.

Ail comes flying fast and hard from the unnamed ghost ship and slams hard against the Palanquin's bow, doing absolutely no damage to the ship.

He slowly slides off like a bug on from a windshield, while from the ship's deck, Byakuren smiles and says "I'm sorry Ail, we reinforced the ship's body."

From somewhere inside the ship, Minamitsu's voice echoes as she says "ha-ha~! I had that Suspicious Keine add that feature just two minutes ago!"

Byakuren turns her attention away from the sliding boy and happily says "my, the marvels of magic and science. Ah, just like when youkai and humans come together."

Byakuren sighs while clapping her hands together over her chest, completely ignoring how Ail finally slides off completely and falls straight through the clouds, making a loud splashing noise once through the white fluffiness.

There is a moment of ceasefire, then Minamitsu on the Palanquin, Chiyuri on the S.S. In Your Face Murasa, and Yuyuko on the ghostly ship, raise their hands, take a deep breath, are just about to shout their next orders, an annoying, screeching, loud and mostly, annoying girl's voice shouts "so you thought you could take over the skies just like that! I'll SHOW you why vampires are the most fearsome creatures! The skies will now belong to ME!"

All three captains close their mouths, frown, rub their foreheads with their right hand, then groan and say at the same time "great, she ended up joining in."

Coming from the direction of the Misty Lake, sort of, is a large scarlet ark with a mansion on its deck, and no sails, but does have six black bat wings it uses to fly around the air on the bottom of the ship.

On the deck are Remilia Scarlet, to the left, Sakuya Izayoi, to the right, Meiling Hong, behind Meiling is Patchouli Knowledge, Behind Sakuya is Koakuma, and on top of the highest part of the mansion's roof, crossing her arms under her chest, and grinning widely enough to show off her left fang and whole set of teeth, is Flandre Scarlet.

Remilia wears a large scarlet captain's hat on her wavy light-blue hair, has red vampiric-eyes, large black bat wings on her back, wears a red bandana around her head, a large, long-sleeved black coat with silky red linings inside, a long-sleeved white shirt, a pair of black pants, and small brown boots with golden buckles.

Sakuya has her short silver hair free from any ornaments, save for the two green ribbons tying the braids to each side of her head, has blue eyes, wears an elegant, long-sleeved blue coat over a clean and elegant white, and somewhat transparent, sleeveless shirt, a matching long blue skirt, a pair of black slippers, and knives around her thighs, under her coat, under her long sleeves, even has a miniature knife under her left fang.

Meiling has her long scarlet hair tied to a ponytail with a black string, points her strong aquamarine eyes at Kimi on Yuyuko's ship, wears a black and white striped shirt with the sleeves torn off, a pair of tattered brown pants with the left leg missing a chunk, showing off that sexy left thigh of hers, and wears a pair of dirty brown slippers.

Patchouli wears a purple robe and cloak with its hood up, yet her unfriendly purple eyes can be seen clearly, as well as her long purple hair, which has been tied to one large braid, probably tied by something on the bottom, and wears her usual purple slippers.

Koakuma has her red hair lose, has a red bandanna around her forehead, has red eyes, large black bat wings on her back, and small black bat wings on her head, wears an unnecessarily sexy white shirt, torn to cover only her chest and leaving her sexy belly exposed, tight black shorts tattered at the bottom just above her knees, long tight, shiny thigh high boots, and has a golden earring on her left ear, slightly visible over her hair.

Flandre is a complete mess.

She wears her usual mop cap over her blonde hair and has her left side-pony tail as usual, has a black eye-patch over her right eye, leaving her left red vampiric-like eye exposed, and wears a long-sleeved pink shirt under her usual red vest, a long red skirt with a slit on the left side, wears long red and white striped thigh-high socks, a brown boot on the left foot, and a black slipper on her right foot.

Remilia now looks bored and slightly annoyed, and after trembling a bit, she calmly says "that was an unnecessarily long introduction."

Sakuya quietly and elegantly nods in assent.


After the unnecessarily long introduction, Remilia recovers her smug smile, raises her wings, points her right finger toward the front at the three ships, then loudly says "as I was saying, I'm taking you all down at ONCE! The skies will belong to ME, Captain Remilia Scarlet, the Scarlet Devil Pirate, Captain of the Scarlet Demon Ark!"

Sakuya smiles warmly, claps softly at her mistress, and softly says "well said, my lady."

There is a long, silent pause, there's no reply from either ship, so Remilia takes a deep breath, readying herself for another speech, then, from all three ships, the sound of EPIC LAUGHTER takes over the entire sky.

From The Palanquin and the ghostly ship, the scattered voices, mixed in with the laughter, make it impossible to discern what they are all saying, but from the S.S. In Your Face Murasa, Chiyuri speaks through her funnel microphone, and amidst deep breaths and laughter, she manages to say "Sca-Scarlet... HAHAHAHA Scarlet, PFFAHAHAHAHA, PIRATE? Wha-what the hell? HAHAHAHAHA! What the hell is that? A... a name? A title? HOW STUPID!"

From the background, Yumemi's voice can be heard chortling and adding "Scarlet Demon what?"

On the Ark's deck, Remilia's wings have lowered, her smug smile has turned to an adorable wriggled-lip pout, her eyes have turned to small white circles with dangling tears, and her cheeks have turned red with embarrassment.

Sakuya, on the other hand, looks quite happy and elated at her mistress' plight, with pink cheeks, a small smirk, and narrowly-opened glistening eyes.

Remilia turns her trembling head at Sakuya, and in a slightly cracking and squeaky voice, she asks "Sakuya, what happened?"

Sakuya takes two hard breaths from her mouth, and after recovering herself, and after a bit of blood starts running down her lip from her left nostril, she calmly says "they think the names you have chose are laughable, my lady."

Remilia's entire body twitches after hearing such news, then scowls, raises a spell card, then shouts "nobody makes fun of Remilia Scarlet, and lives! Divine Spear, Spear of the Gungnir!"

Right after the long scarlet spear materializes on her hand, replacing her spell card, all three ships in front of the ark stop laughing and rapidly aim their cannons toward the ark.

Confident, Remilia smiles and says "Scarlet crew, let them taste OUR cannons!"

Flandre giggles, Koakuma panics, Meiling remains in place, glaring back at Kimi over at the ghostly ship, then Sakuya smiles as she casually says "my lady, we don't have any cannons."

Panic takes Remilia, evident on her face, when both her eyes become two white dots once more, and in an agitated state, she shouts "WHAT? Sakuya, don't just say these things so calmly! And WHY DON'T WE HAVE ANY CANNONS?"

Sakuya giggles and replies "you didn't allow lady Patchouli the time to install them properly before plunging blindly into battle, my lady."

From behind them, Flandre giggles and loudly says "Remilia onee-chan, stuuuuupid!"

Right after Flandre's adorable statement, the cannons from the other three ships fire in unison, and accompanied by the girl's own magical bullets, the Scarlet Demon Ark explodes in a beautiful wave of massive explosions and pretty patterns.

The ark sinks almost instantly, taking all down with it, except Meiling, who stands completely unscathed on a single floating piece of red board from the ark's deck, glaring straight at Kimi on the ghostly ship.

Meiling suddenly lifts her right hand and points at Kimi, then retracts her arm back to her neck, lift her thumb, clenches her teeth, then makes a long chocking sound while crossing her thumb across her neck, then points at Kimi once more.

Kimi closes her right eye, her hi-tech eye-patch bleeps, then she waves at Meiling with a taunting smile.

Meiling turns around, tilts her head back, then dives after the sunken ark.

After all is said and done, over at the Palanquin, Minamitsu looks over the now empty spot in the sky, and asks "huh, that's odd. Since when do vampires roam around in broad daylight?"

From her right, Remilia happily answers "oh, these outfits were made by my personal ally, Rika Onkamikami. Keeps those harmful sun rays from killing me or my sister."

Minamitsu shrieks and shouts "waaah! When did you get here?"

From the helm, Flandre eagerly says "onee-chan, they have an pretty awesome RPG here!"

Remilia smiles and says "yay! Let's play!" Minamitsu shouts "hey, that's the auto-pilot! Can someone help me-?"

Minamitsu suddenly realizes the deck is deserted, save for herself and the two little vampires.

Annoyed, Minamitsu says "HEY! The captain is supposed to go down with his, um, HER ship!"

Remilia chuckles and replies "are you nuts? We're not doing down there until it's clean."

Flandre exclaims "ooh, I'm already fighting a big boss!"

Minamitsu raises her arms in a panic as she screams "WAIT, DON'T!"


Later that day, at the Palanquin's deck, while Suwako, Shou, Wriggle, Ichirin and Unzan chisel away to dislodge the ship's bow from the Youkai Mountain, Nue and Kogasa sit on the back end of the roof of the captain's quarters.

Minamitsu is repairing the destroyed auto-pilot console, watched by Byakuren, who sits on the front side of the roof of the captain's quarters with a cup of tea on her hands, and a warm, whimsical smile on her face.

Feeling slightly annoyed of being watched, Minamitsu says "stupid vampires. Made the auto-pilot go mad again... made us crash... now I'm being WATCHED... grumble, grumble."

Byakuren sighs and replies "oh, my. Mini-chan, why don't you come up here with me and have some honeyed tea?"

Minamitsu is sitting besides Byakuren the moment the magician says 'come up here', and is already awaiting her cup of tea with eager eyes.

Byakuren giggles and says "see? You're feeling better already."

Nue and Kogasa watch, and as they do, Nue whispers to the karakasa ghost "you see? Girls can be with girls too. Just look at those smiling faces."

Kogasa stares long and hard at Byakuren and Minamitsu, and what she sees is a beautiful scene of a mother-daughter moment.

Her eyes glisten, her face turns slightly pink, her umbrella's cheeks turn reddish, and after cupping her hands to her right, she smiles, sighs and says "aww, I wish mama Byakuren would treat me to some tea too, just like that."

Nue grits her teeth, sending bolts at Kogasa through her eyes, then raises her left fist, strikes the turquoise girl on the back of the head, then says "don't go soft on me, you stupid little brat! I'm trying to help you here, but if you..."

Nue suddenly stops, raises her hands with her fingers bent and her palms wide open, her teeth clenched, her mouth open, her eyes open wide, her pupils shrunk, her hair standing on its end, and her cheeks turning burning red.

Kogasa is rubbing her own head with both hands and is looking up at Nue with wide watery sad puppy eyes, and an adorable wriggled pout on her face.

Nue can hear her heart thump twice, gulps, shivers, then tries to speak "uh-I... er, I'm..."

The nue youkai tries hard to apologize, but she's paralyzed in place while staring down at Kogasa, who lets out a soft, quick sob, an adorable whimper, and a sniffle.

Again, Nue hears her heart thump, only this time it's three times, louder and harder than last time.

She reaches for the karakasa youkai with her left hand, there's a loud crack, Nue sucks her own lips, tears dangle from her eyes, then she flies straight up, screaming at the top of her lungs.

Nazrin takes Nue's spot as she looks up, shaking her left fist up in the air while swinging her tail around with her right hand, shouting "TOUCHING THE STOVE WHILE IT'S HOT WILL STING, BITCH!"

The mouse youkai sighs to calm herself down, releases her tail, then looks down at Kogasa with a sweet, friendly smile and says "there, there, you just want to go with lady Hijiri. Come on, I'll take you to her."

Kogasa's face changes completely when Nazrin offers her hand to help; now stars fill her two-colored eyes, a bright smile takes her face, and a shining light adorns her head like a crown.

This causes Nazrin to look away to hide her blushing cheeks, and scratching herself just under her bottom lip, she says "c-come on, already. Let's go."


At the S.S. In Your Face Murasa, Tewi finishes mopping the deck with extra-slippery wax, and is patiently waiting for it to dry and unleash hell on her crewmates.

SUDDENLY!

Iku lands right in front of Tewi, messing a bit of the still wet wax, but before the youkai rabbit can complain, Iku excitedly says "I got it back! It's time to fever!"

Tewi raises her left eyebrow and asks "what? What are you talking about?"

Iku's answer is the tapping of her foot while Lyrica appears flying above the oarfish youkai's head, playing a disco track on a high-tech Kappa-brand black keyboard, then Iku suddenly twirls, stops, paces her left hand on her waist, raises her right hand while pointing at the sky, then...

At the Forest of Magic, Mokou of Fujiwara, an immortal girl with long light-violet hair adorned with a charmed red and white ribbon, has red eyes, who wears a light-brown long-sleeved shirt, dark-red overall pants with paper charms on them, and a pair of matching dark red shoes, lies on the ground with a terrified look on her face, her back slightly raised, using her left arm as a shield, and desperately pushing herself back against a tree with her feet.

She loudly shouts "dammit Reimu, what's the hell is wrong with you?"

In front of her, Reimu slams her donation box between herself and Mokou, has a raging red face, and is twice her normal size, her face turning redder as veins start pulsating all around her disfigured reddened forehead, eyes and cheeks, and now, two small horns start growing right out of her forehead.

In an echoing and loud tone of voice, she angrily says "you haven't donated even ONCE at my shrine, Mokou! Donate something now, and I might forgive you!"

Mokou is terrified; her face feels cold, her teeth are clenched tight, her lips seem frozen, so she can't close her mouth, and tears dangle under her eyes.

Desperate, Mokou honestly screams "BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY!"

Reimu smiles, a smile that would normally be so sweet and honest, now tarnished by the demonic look she has somehow adopted.

Mokou starts to tremble, she can't control herself enough to fly away, and now starts to whimper as the shadow of the demonic maiden slowly covers her up, taking away all hopes from the immortal.

Up on Chiyuri's ship, Tewi stares at Iku with disappointment and disgust, while the oarfish youkai covers her face in shame and says "why is this happening? I should have the fever back by now!"

Tewi picks her left nostril with her left pinky as she replies "whatever. Get the hell out of here already."

Behind the girls, over some great distance, Mokou's figure can be seen spinning in the air, heading straight to heaven with great force, while the poor immortal screams at the top of her lungs.


Later that day, over at the somehow-airborne and fully repaired Scarlet Demon Ark, Remilia walks into the small mansion along Sakuya, and asks "so, are the cannons installed and ready?"

Sakuya bows, then says "yes, my lady. Lady Patchouli and miss Koakuma made sure they are all set and ready."

Inside the miniature mansion is a surprisingly large foyer with five large doors, each leading to many confusing corridors that link with each other all the time, however, following the straight corridors will lead to the following: the rooms, the kitchen and dining room, the brig, the bathrooms, and the lower parts of the ark, where the special engine is.

Remilia stops in the center of the foyer, then asks "hey Sakuya, where is Flandre? She's been too quiet."

Sakuya calmly replies "she's having an epic life-or-death battle against a fairy and a nekomata."

On top of the ark, a swirling storm roars with furious thunder, and lights up the somehow darkened skies with lightning, while a blond vampire, a blonde fairy, and a crazy cat girl bang swords away on the rooftop balcony of the small mansion, Lily with her immense buster sword, Chen with her evil saw sword, and Flandre with her fiery Lavatein, which is good for offense, but sucks for defense.

Back inside the mansion, Remilia stares at Sakuya and asks "Sakuya, whose side are you on?"

Sakuya calmly replies "it's alright my lady. The young mistress is having fun, so I see no harm in it."

Patchouli appears standing in front of Remilia, staring at the vampire with those unfriendly eyes, and when Remilia turns to look forward, her body stiffens, her wings spring up, and she jumps on Sakuya's welcoming and perverted arms after a yelp.

Sakuya doesn't seem to mind, as she seems to be in her own little world with a blissful smile on her face, and blood rushing down her nose.

Patchouli takes a deep breath, then says "Remi, we've been fired on. Shall we return fire?"

Though recovering her usual brave and demanding self, Remilia remains on Sakuya's arms as she points toward nowhere and commands "RETURN FIRE!"

Patchouli turns around, places a white glowing hand on her throat, then her voice echoes all over the ark as she says "return fire!"

Countless fairy maids appears out of nowhere and start taking a cannon each, and fire at will. Remilia jumps off Sakuya's arm, disappointing the maid, then casually asks "and who dares attack my marvelous vessel?"

Patchouli sinks her face into her book, then casually says "Reimu."

Remilia panics again, her wings stiffen up, then she asks "Patchy, are you suicidal! Cease fire before she attacks back!"

Patchouli smiles, then softly replies "that won't be a problem. Our bullets and cannonballs are heading straight at the ghost's ship. She'll think she's just caught in the crossfire."

Remilia stands in place, staring at Patchouli with those round white dots-for-eyes, then a golden washtub falls on her head, making a loud clang and disappearing through the floor, leaving Remilia to drop like a log on her face.


Meanwhile, over at the unnamed ghostly ship, while Youmu, Rumia, Mystia, Lunasa, Merlin and Kali scatter to take a cannon and return fire at the scarlet ark, Meiling flies over to the ship with a determined look on her face, then makes her way toward the ghostly shrine's replica.

Inside the shrine are Lunasa, Lyrica and Yuyuko, as well as the now-normal-looking Reimu, eating cakes and cookies while drinking tea, and totally ignore Meiling as she walks past them, smiles and waves a hand from outside as a greeting.

Meiling reaches the back of the ship, and stands right behind the shrine replica, where the wind blows on her hair, making her look badass, sexy and heroic as she glares toward the front, and looks even more sexy when her hair bushes against her bare left leg.

Several feet away, Kimi stands tall and grins back at Meiling as her special eye-patch bleeps rapidly.

Meiling narrows her left eye, points at Kimi, then says "you are going to pay dearly for that dishonorable attack."

Kimi's grin widens after she chuckles, then asks "oh, and how exactly am I going to pay for that, I wonder?"

Meiling bends her knees, raises her fists chest-high, surrounds herself with a rainbow aura, then says "you know darn well how. Now get ready!"

Kimi's grin has become almost vile, then she suddenly frowns and looks slightly up.

Curious, Meiling lowers her defenses and turns around to see Remilia, Youmu, Yuyuko, Reimu, the Prismriver sisters, and surprisingly enough, Koakuma, all sitting on beach chairs on the shrine's roof with drinks and snacks, as well as some music from the poltergeist sisters.

Annoyed, Meiling asks "m-my lady? What are you doing here?"

Kimi angrily adds "aren't you guys supposed to be blasting each other right now?"

Remilia smiles and waves at Meiling, then says "don't worry, it's all good. Your fight will provide us with much more entertainment than some silly old cannonballs."

Yuyuko giggles and says "oh, I agree. Please don't mind us. Miss Reimu was kind enough to set up a defensive barrier too."

Youmu sighs, then says "just go ahead ladies. Oh, and please, refrain from fighting too dirty."

Just then, Kimi grumbles "great, now we get to be watched, and get stupid rules..." as she crosses her arms over her chest.

Meiling shrugs as she turns her attention back to Kimi, recovers her fierce fighting face, raises her defenses, then shouts "alright, get ready!"


Kimi wastes no time with preparing herself, and furiously rushes toward Meiling with her right fist raised.

Meiling keeps her eyes on Kimi's, even though that left eye-patch kind of makes it hard to keep track of BOTH eyes, and when Kimi is in attack range, Meiling lifts her left leg to block Kimi's kick, causing a small shockwave because of the impact.

Kimi smiles, but her smile vanishes rapidly, after Meiling grabs Kimi's leg, pulls her close, then lunges a punch covered in a rainbow aura straight at the dragon youkai's chest.

Kimi blocks by crossing her arms in front of herself, but still takes some damage, so she manages to retreat to recover after getting pushed back.

Meiling keeps her stance as she hops left and right, lifts her left hand, then taunts Kimi into getting closer, at the same time as she makes a funny war cry.

Kimi clicks her tongue while shaking the burning sensation from her forearms, then smirks as she bends her knees and kneels down until both her hands are touching the floor beside her.

Meiling lets out a quick gasp as she opens her eyes wide, and before she can react, Kimi has sprung from the ground at an amazing speed, and has crashed head-first on Meiling's stomach, making the gate guard groan loud and cough hard as she flies a few feet back and crashes against the ghostly shrine walls, making a hole where her body remains lodged.

Meiling's vision becomes blurry as she tries to recover her breath, and although it seems she's about to recover, she starts to cough again, losing the strength needed to free herself.

Kimi chuckles as she cracks her neck back into place with her hands, then says "I have to say, you're a lot tougher than you look. I almost broke my neck there."

She walks over to Meiling, grabs the gate guard by her throat, pulls her free from the wall, then lifts her up, showing all how her limp body hangs in the air like an inanimate doll.

Remilia hisses and boos, then shouts "come on! Is that all you have, red-head?"

From Remilia's right, Flandre, Chen and Lily start cheering at the same time, but Flandre shouting "Meiling onee-chan, show her how we play over at home!"

The little vampire's words reach Meiling's ears, and she suddenly opens her eyes and swings her left leg as fast and hard as her body will allow, kicking Kimi at the back of the head so hard, the dragon girl roars with pain as she stumbles forward.

Meiling falls from Kimi's grasp and lands on her feet, grabs the dragon's light-orange hair, pulls her back, then kicks her butt upward with so much force, her right foot gets stuck between Kimi's steel butt-cheeks and ends up flying up along with her opponent, screaming "wait! Let go of my foot!"

Kimi is unable to shout back, as the pain she is currently feeling coursing all through her body has her paralyzed with a pretty silly look on her face; her eyes are open wide and almost about to pop from their sockets, her mouth stretched from one end to another, her teeth are clenched tight inside her mouth, and her entire body is tensed.

After rising over about fifty feet, the girls start to fall, Meiling trying with all her might to free her right foot from the awesome steel grasp of Kimi's butt, but to no avail, and both girls fall hard on the floor, breaking a hole on the floor of the ship.


On the shrine's roof, Sakuya, who has just joined the spectators, sighs while rubbing her forehead, then says "that girl. She's tarnishing the Scarlet Devil Mansion's name again."

Remilia smiles confidently, as though she was the one fighting, then says "you worry too much. This battle is far from over, Sakuya. Just give them a few seconds."

Behind them, Minamitsu, the red-haired fairy, and Shou, sit on matching lawn chairs, eating sweet potatoes they have on a large basket.

Youmu glares at them from their left, then says "I'm on to you! One wrong move and-"

Before she is done with her threat, Minamitsu tosses a sweet potato at the half ghost and says "relax, we're just here to watch the fight."

Youmu gasps happily as tears cling under her eyes, then excitedly says "f-for me? I... I don't know what to say!"

Shou smiles as she looks forward, then says "just chow down, take a seat, and cheer hard!"

Youmu is moved by how the enemy treats her like an equal, and with happy tears in her eyes, she sits on the roof beside them and starts nibbling on her sweep potato.

On the far right, Yuyuko and Reimu are having a bit of a wrestling match, with Yuyuko currently on top of the maiden as she exclaims "I thought you said the barrier was set!"

Reimu manages to roll over and knock Yuyuko, then pins her down by sitting on her and pushing down on the ghost's wrists with her own hands, and angrily says "the barrier IS set! It's just a little out of place! And since when do you worry about things other than food?"

Yuyuko struggles for a moment, then very suddenly, she and Reimu get into a small fight cloud that rapidly dissipates, and now Yuyuko is back on top of Reimu, pinning her down by her shoulders and locking her legs with the maiden's.

Wish a flushed face, Yuyuko smiles at Reimu and playfully says "I'm not really angry or worried. I just wanted to play with you a bit. Now give me a kiss."

Reimu starts to struggle hard but can't break free, then suddenly starts screaming and shouting "wait, wait! What is the meaning of this? Youmu! Anyone! HELP!"

Youmu is currently unavailable, being in a state of bliss, thanks to an act of kindness from the enemy, and a sweet potato.

Reimu is now screaming and struggling to keep Yuyuko's lips away from her own, moving her face just right and with perfect timing to avoid the ghostly princess, while everybody else keeps their eyes out in front.


From the hole left behind by Kimi and Meiling, two blurs zip up and down it, placing to its right, a square red carpet, a small square table, two chairs, a bookshelf full of books to the right, and a chimney to the back of the ship.

From the roof, the curious ghost princess forgets about Reimu and turns her full attention to the blurs while asking "what's going on?"

From behind Yuyuko, one enraged, fire-breathing Reimu holds gohei with both mighty hands, raises weapon to the skies, swings trusty weapon with full force, and soon, sparks, pain and darkness are the last thing the now unconscious-spinning-eyes Yuyuko sees before completely blacking out.

Back to the, err... battleground, Meiling and Kimi sit facing each other on the table, holding cards on their hands, shooting dirty glares at each other as they set pair of cards on a messy pile to their lefts.

Meiling's hand is still quite large, while Kimi lightens her load in such a manner that it seems she's even cheating... but she's not, so don't think there's gonna be a card-knifing here.

Kimi grins wide and says "pick, sweetheart."

Meiling raises a trembling left hand and picks the leftmost card on Kimi's hands.

Kimi remains staring back at Meiling as though there's not a single care in the world, other than kicking Meiling's ass over and over.

The gate guard take the card to her deck, and when she lays her eyes on it, her pupils go blank, the background behind Meiling starts changing colors, she starts to sweat, and now her mouth wriggles up.

It's the joker card.

Kimi grins widely, showing off her dragon fangs, then says "old maid, bitch!"

Meiling breathes heavily, she can't believe her bad luck, then very suddenly, her head suddenly tilts back hard, and blood spills all around the immediate area.

When Meiling recovers and pulls her head back in place, she has a large bruise under her nose and around her mouth, as well as blood spilling from both, as though she's just received a powerful strike.

Meiling growls softly, picks up her hand, shuffles the cards, then says "it's not over yet! Now it's your turn, hatchling!"

Kimi opens her eyes wide after that insult, but calms herself down with a low and long growl, then nods and reaches for Meiling's cards with confidence.

She picks the center card, smiles after Meiling groans softly, pulls the card and takes it to her deck, and there it is... the joker card.

Meiling smiles malevolently, then says "look who's the old maid now."

Kimi opens her eyes wide and gasps, then she suddenly starts convulsing, cuts start appearing around her arms, something impacts her chest, then she falls off her chair to the floor to the left, where she takes a breather and quickly recover.

She coughs out some blood, pushes herself back up with her hands, sits back on her chair, shuffles her cards, glares at Meiling, then says "the game's only just started!"


We fast forward through the game, card pairs are discarded, invisible beatings are served, Damien is pulled out of one of his sudden vortexes and used as a lifeline; gets beaten up hard for Meiling when she gets the old maid again; then is sent back into his world.

Finally, Kimi and Meiling are down to their last cards, both have cuts and bruises all over their faces, arms, chest, tattered and broken pieces of clothes, Meiling having a particularly large tear right over her chest, showing off quite a lot of skin and making Sakuya, Flandre, Marisa and Merlin drool at the sight.

Poor Marisa, though, starts patting her own chest and sighs, then looks at Reimu to her left and notices she's doing the very same.

The two friends look at each other, toss an arm over each others' necks, then start to bawl like little children.

Back with Meiling and Kimi, both girls also have bloody cuts and bruises on their arms, and Kimi has a particularly nasty gash above her left eyes, which is bleeding quite a lot, while Meiling has blood running down from her head, yet the wound cannot be seen.

The girls breath with great effort as they look at their cards.

Meiling has a four of spade and a five of hearts, while Kimi has a five of diamonds and a four of clovers, as well as the joker card, making her the old maid.

Kimi takes a deep breath, raises her cards, then tiredly says "y... your turn."

Meiling, feeling exhausted, reaches for a random card, pulls it to her deck, and gets the joker card, making her groan with frustration and exhaustion, then she's suddenly moving her head left and right, her cheeks puffing up as blood spills around after each strike, but she remains on her seat, hanging on by sheer will.

Without saying a word, Meiling recovers, raises her cards, then Kimi picks the farthest to the left.

Before she looks, she places all her cards face-down, takes many deep breaths, looks at Meiling, who now has her left eye almost closed up and seems to be having trouble focusing on her own cards, evident when she squints to take a better look, yet is unable to decipher her own hand.

There is no way Kimi can tell if she picked right or not, but stalling will do no good, so the steels herself, takes one last deep breath, lifts cards, then realizes she has the four of spade and of clovers in her hand.

She smiles, starts hyperventilating, then suddenly starts laughing softly, progressing to a maniacal cackle, pulls those two fours out of her hand, places them on the discard pile, then shouts "I WON! I freaking WON!"

Kimi tosses the five of diamonds at Meiling, who has no choice but to discard them, doing so with a shocked look on her terrified face.

When those two cards touch the discard pile, Meiling is suddenly struck under her chin so hard, she is lifted right out of her chair, and before she can even fall on the ground, she stops in mid-air and has her back bent as tough there was something trying to break her spine.

She seems to be forcefully pulled to her feet, punched on the abdomen, hit on the nose, then her left cheek, and finally, the gate guard has the back of her pants pulled up hard, making her groan momentarily, then is lifted by her pants and slammed hard to the ground on her back, making her open her mouth to spit out some more blood, then finally, she is allowed to rest.

All around the ghostly ship, the spectators start cheering, while other hiss and boo, including Chiyuri, Yumemi, Chen, Flandre, Shou, the little red-haired fairy, Nazrin, Kogasa, and surprisingly enough, even Byakuren is cheering on, shouting stuff like "rip her spine! RIP THE BITCH'S SPINE!"

This has Murasa and Ichirin frightened to death of Byakuren, who seems to be quite eager for another match, and from the looks of it, they, themselves, might be her targets.

Kimi approaches the fallen gate guard, stands to her left, then the spectators quiet down.

Cirno, Wriggle and Daiyousei are now hugging each other while trembling in unison, Rumia has stars on her eyes, Remilia seems to be enjoying the blue sky, paying no attention at the actual fight, and somewhere over the Palanquin, Suwako and Nue are drinking sake, while holding to each others' shoulders and singing off-key love songs.

Back at the ghostly ship, Kimi kneels down and picks Meiling up by the back of her neck, making her whimper as she pulls her up.

Sakuya stares down with contempt while Parsee stands to her left with an evil smile on her face, then Sakuya says "when I get home, I'm spanking that girl and locking her in my room.", then bites her left thumb.

Kimi pulls Meiling closer to her face, breathes right onto her opponent's own face, then says "you tried, whelp, but I'll always be one step ahead of you."

Kimi's uncovered right eye suddenly intensifies, she grits her teeth, pulls Meiling even closer, then gives the gate guard such an intense and passionate kiss, that even Reimu's face turns pale at the sight.

Meiling opens her eyes wide and tries to escape the locking of the lips, but she's too drained and exhausted to fight back, so she gives up, stops flailing her arms around, and simply accepts it.

On the roof, Sakuya is sharpening three long western swords with a large stone wheel that is somehow fully installed next to her, with a disturbing smile on her face, a massive red vein on her forehead, glowing green eyes, and Parsee, who is snickering to her left while waving her arms around the furiously jealous chief maid.

Instead of the metal on stone screeching sound expected from the wheel, the sound that comes is a repeated "paru-paru-paru-paru-paru"


Over at the Scarlet Demon Ark, Patchouli is in her smaller-by-comparison library, conducting a rather odd experiment with mint leaves, magical red-spotted mushrooms, sugar cubes, and H-manga from the outside world.

She already has a mint-green glowing vial of some odd substance ready, grabs it with a pair of special metal forceps, then pours it on the cover of a MariAli H-manga.

When the liquid touches the cover, it turns purple, then starts sizzling until it consumes itself, then evaporates into a small black cloud.

Patchouli slowly blinks twice after watching the effects of the experiment, then sighs and says "it's just too dirty, even if it is just H. How can the people outside read this garbage? There's not even a solid story. Koakuma!"

Two heavy thuds signal the presence of the little devil... wait, that doesn't make sense.

To Patchouli's right is not Koakuma, but Kyo, wearing Koakuma's clothes; a black suit dress with a white long-sleeved shirt underneath; a pair of cardboard black wings on his head and back, and his spiky hair has been dyed bright red.

His face says it all; he wants to murder someone right about now, but something prevents him from grabbing Patchouli by the neck and wringing it with all his might.

One disturbing note to take is that his bulk and toned body does no justice to the little devil's clothes.

He clears his throat and asks "yes, Patchouli-sa...", but then clears his throat again, and feeling almost sick enough to vomit, he tries to disguise his voice to sound more like a girl as he asks "yes, what is it, Patchouli-sama?"

Patchouli turn her eyes toward the towering, buff and manly figure of Kyo-kuma, then softly says "please bring me the black mushroom. I need it to test something out... and I told you exercising excessively would ruin your figure. You look like a disgusting gorilla."

A large vein pulsates on Kyo's forehead as his eyes hide under a murderous, ominous shadow, as he raises his hands to strangle Patchouli, but a woman's cough from a distance makes him stop and just sighs while looking up.

He takes flight, then there are whispers in the room after a bit; a girl, and Kyo's voices; then Patchouli raises her voice as she says "Koa, I'm waiting!"

The whispers stop, and after just five seconds, Kyo-kuma silently flies back and hands Patchouli the mushroom.

Patchouli looks curiously at the manly, hairy arms of Kyo, looks at him from head to toe, then says "that's it, no more hair tonic for you, miss! And do something about those muscles. Really, you don't look lady-like at all."

Kyo wants nothing more than to strike the witch hard, scream into her ears, force her to realize that HE is NOT Koakuma, but again, he just sighs, then flies away.

The whispers continue, Kyo saying "there, I did it! Can I go now?"

Koakuma's voice can be heard as she replies "fine, fine. We'll play another round of poker next week, right?"

There is a short pause, then Kyo whispers back "oh hell yeah. I'm making you pay for this!"

While they whisper, Patchouli grabs the completely black mushroom, squeezes it with her bare hands to extract a sickly brown liquid, then deposits it in a thin vial.

She places the thin vial over the large one with the mint-green substance and slowly and carefully turns it over, saying "careful Patchy, just one drop... aaaand..."

A single disgusting brown drop falls straight into the mint-green concoction, makes a loud plopping sound upon contact, then Chiyuri's ship blows up so violently, a miniature mushroom cloud forms up in the sky.

Maribel, Renko and Chiyuri spin like stars in the air as they fall to the ground, Chiyuri moaning and asking "what just happened?"

Back inside Patchouli's small study, the magician looks to the direction outside the ship with a most unfriendly look, then sighs and says "seriously, these fools have nothing better to do than blow stuff up after all."


That afternoon, over at the Palanquin, while Minamitsu, Ichirin, Kogasa and Shou celebrate the capturing of Chiyuri, Yumemi, and Ail, though it's actually unknown why he is there in the first place, Byakuren stands behind the cheering girls with a blissful, motherly smile on her face.

Nue sneaks behind Hijiri, then glares toward Kogasa and says "I have to corrupt that girl so I can have her molest Nazrin and Byakuren for my amusement... but every time I try, that damned rat appears out of nowhere and kicks my ass. Guh, what to do?"

Suwako suddenly peeks her head above Nue to Byakuren's right, then, with an evil smile on her face, she softly says "you'll have to take a more hands-on approach, or you'll end up dead again."

As if not even noticing the goddess above her, Nue continues staring at Kogasa and says "yes, that's a good idea. And if that rat comes by again, I can use the karakasa as a shield. It's perfect! But what should I do to her to really corrupt her?"

Both Nue and Suwako close their eyes and hum while thinking, then Byakuren suddenly perks up and says "why don't you tickler her ****, poke her ****, kiss her while **** her ****? That will corrupt ANY girl."

Nue and Suwako look up at Byakuren's saint-like motherly smile, then smile back as Nue says "I never thought of that! Thanks miss Hijiri!"

Suwako raises her left hand and flips her thumb up while saying "man, it's like you've done it before."

Byakuren retains her smile as she causally replies "oh, I've done that plenty of times."

Both Suwako and Nue look at Byakuren's casual and happy face, while their own stiffen up, their lips wriggle, and their eyes turn to small white dots.

Without saying another word, Suwako leaves the scene, while Nue shivers and slowly slithers behind Byakuren's back.

Moments later, at Nue's single-bedroom, Nue sits naked on her bed, covered up to her chest by her white sheets, covering her face with her hands while crying inconsolably.

Kogasa stands to the left of the bed with a casual face, placing her pirate belt back on, saying "aww, come on, don't cry. It was good, and you know it."

Nue sniffles, uncovers her face just slightly to look at Kogasa, then tries to speak "but-but, I thought you..."

Kogasa giggles, then quickly replies "miss Nazrin was so kind. She told me what you wanted from me, but I got scared, but she told me it was alright, and taught me a lot of things."

Nue's eyes suddenly intensify, fire roars all around the nue youkai, and with a loud roar, Nue shouts "NAZRIIIIIIIIN! That damned rat, of all people?"

Nazrin opens the door to the room with a smug smile on her face, then says "this girl is such a fast learner. But you see, Nue, you just had to tell her what you wanted in the first place, not go around telling her to do stuff to Hijiri."

Nue's eyes turn watery, her lips wriggle as she frowns and pouts adorably, then she whimpers "but... my first time..."

Kogasa stares at Nue for a moment, then asks "wait a minute, didn't you say you had done it loads of times?"

Nazrin opens her smug trap to add salt to the opened wound with a comment, but from outside, they can hear Sanae as she shouts "salty wenches took my Ail again! Spell Card, Miraculous Girlfriend Saves her Boyfriend with a BANG!"

Almost instantly, the entire ship is engulfed in a green orb of light, then all that remains of the Palanquin, are a few boards, and Nue's sheets, which somehow remain intact, covering Nue's naked body as she falls along her comrades and the ship's debris.


Over at the unnamed ghostly ship, Yuyuko is running around the deck, bouncing her breasts around while cheering and jumping and waving her hat in the air.

Youmu, though enjoying herself by watching Yuyuko bounce around, along with the rest of the crew, and yes, that includes Kimi and Kali, thinks that enough is enough, and walks over to her mistress and gets in her way, successfully bouncing her to a stop... I mean, putting a stop to her bouncing... I mean... yes, let's go with that.

After stopping the overexcited ghost princess, Youmu asks "Yuyu-sama, what has got you in such high spirits?"

Yuyuko giggles, points toward the front of the ship, then says "both the Palanquin and the S.S. In Your Face Murasa are GONE~! Now we only have to knock down that hideous ark, and the skies are OURS!"

Youmu looks to her left and sees the ark floating in the sky, then chuckles and says "yeah, I can see why you are so happy, Yuyuko-sama. That ark is so weak."

From the Scarlet Demon Ark, Remilia shouts "I heard that you little twerp!", but nobody seems to notice and totally ignore the vampire's remark.

Yuyuko nods to Youmu's remark, then giggles and says "this calls for a celebration. Let's watch some dirty DVDs!"

Kimi, Lunasa and Merlin cheer, while Youmu, Kali, Lyrica and a small sparrow that is perching on Lyrica's left shoulder, all look lost and unsure of what has just been said.

Yuyuko's smile turns motherly as she looks at Youmu, then giggles and says "come, I'll show you four what I'm talking about."

The girls and bird go into the Hakugyokurou replica's living room, and Kimi, Lunasa and Merlin already take a seat behind the small square table at the center of the room, while Lyrica, the Rabid Karate Night Sparrow, who perches on the poltergeist's shoulder, Kali, and Youmu stand right behind Yuyuko.

The ghost princess approaches the wall to the farthest right of the room, which is full of folding fans of many designs and colors, grabs the white fan with the TV symbol on its front, closes it, then pulls it backward, activating a mechanism that causes a rectangle on the wall flip, revealing a forty inch LED TV, a table with a silver box on top, and beside and underneath the box in separate shelves are small rectangular black boxes with pictures and letters on them.

Yuyuko picks one that has a picture of a young brunette girl with a flushed face, presents it to the confused girls, then says "this is a DVD box. Inside is a disk that contains a movie for us to watch on that machine over there.", and points at the silver box, which is actually a DVD player.

The girls and bird still seem confused, then Yuyuko says "oh, let's just watch it already. You'll understand when you see for yourselves."

Without even looking at what she's placing there, Yuyuko puts the disk on the tray that pops out of the DVD player, and all through the movie, all girls, save for Kimi and Yuyuko herself, have flushed faces, and Youmu and Lyrica even start to look away while shivering.

Finally, after the credits start rolling, Yuyuko looks refreshed as she stands up and asks "well, wasn't that a refreshing movie?"

Kimi quickly replies "oh, it was for me."

The other girls remain silent, their eyes glistening with the light form the sun, and when Youmu opens her mouth to express her opinion, Rinnosuke appears to her left with a shining smile on his face and with his left thumb up, saying "oh hell YES! I feel like a new man!"

He looks at Youmu with a frightening smile on his face, then asks "wouldn't you agree... Youmu-san?"

Youmu stares back at Rinnosuke, paying close attention to his yellow eyes behind his glasses, then her face start turning red, she starts to shiver more violently, then suddenly stands up, unsheathes her Roukanken, and shouts "NOOOOOOO! I'm not ready yet!"

From outside the shrine replica, the sound of metal cutting through skin echoes all over, then there is a loud thud, then Mystia flies to the roof of the shrine and sings "chin-chin, goooone with the wind. Chin-chin!"

Back inside the shrine, Youmu has cut a perfect slice of ham, and is currently serving it on a plate for Rinnosuke, who looks quite content at the generous portion of meat.


At the Scarlet Demon Ark, Remilia is walking around the mansion replica, completely lost in thought, ignoring the room to her left, where Sakuya has Meiling with her hands tied and bent over the maid's on lap, while the chief maid proceeds to spank the hell out of the crying gate guard.

Drool trails down the left corner of the maid's mouth as she smiles and blushes while applying more force to her strikes, while poor Meiling cries "it's been two hours already! Please, stop!"

Sakuya happily replies "nope! Bad girls need to be punished!"

Remilia continues on her way as though nothing was happening, and when she stops, she realizes she's in the ship's engine room.

There is a tall platform with railed stares leading down to the engines, that's where Remilia is standing right now, and in the center of the room is a massive dome-shaped engine with what looks like a large translucent square spinning crystal on the very center of a round machine.

To the left and right of the dome-like engine there are six large black tubes, three on each side, which are actually the ark's wings.

The crystal in the machine spins around backward and clockwise, and whenever it glows brightly, the ark gently rises up, using the wings to balance itself out.

When Remilia looks around, she realizes there is a girl with blue hair tied with red bobbles into twintails, wearing a green cap on her head, a long-sleeved light-blue shirt, a long light-blue skirt full of pockets, a pair of light-blue boots, a large green backpack with a golden key tied by the black straps in front, and Remilia swears she can see a dark-blue swimsuit underneath all that clothing.

Nitori Kawashiro, the kappa girl, turns around after sensing Remilia's presence, and with a friendly smile, she waves at the vampire and says "ah, miss Remilia, just the girl I needed to see."

Curious, Remilia flies down toward Nitori, asking "the kappa... What are you doing here?"

Nitori waits for Remilia to land to her right, then pulls a large wrench form her left pocket, points at the engine with it, then says "just like with your sister's UFO thingy, this engine keeps getting some bolts lose, and I still don't understand why..."

The kappa turns around and starts tightening bolts around as though its mere child's play, and as she does, she says "I wanted to ask you if you could contact miss Rika for me. Last time she worked on your sister's UFO, those bolts and components never worked better."

Remilia raises her left eyebrow, places her hands on her waist, then says "hey, I paid you a substantial amount of cucumbers and honey for this! It better not fall apart like that honey cereal maker."

Nitori returns to Remilia's side, sweating and chuckling nervously, while saying "p-please don't remind me of that fiasco. Those poor fairies..."

Nitori shakes her head, then says "but anyway, that is why I came. I have to make sure you get what you paid for, and that is why I'm asking you to get Rika for me."

Remilia rubs her chin for a moment, pondering while humming, then suddenly snaps her fingers, smiles, then says "simple. We'll just have a sudden explosion, the scene will change, and Rika and you can have the engine fixed!"

Before Nitori can reply, Remilia summons a small red fire spear and tosses it at the engine, making the entire ark explode violently.

The scene changes, and Remilia is crying beside Sakuya and Flandre, while Nitori is repairing the engine by herself, and all the girls have their clothes burned and torn.

Nitori stops working for a moment, looks at Remilia, then says "I was trying to warn you... miss Rika is on random break today."

Remilia wails loudly, then shouts "just fix it alreadyyyyy! Waahh!"


That afternoon, Yuyuko wakes up from her nap and promptly heads outside the shrine, ready to give the order to attack the Scarlet Demon Ark.

She takes a deep breath to fully wake up, and after she is sure she is ready, she shouts "all hands on deck! All hands scurry! I want movement, NOW!"

The sound of scattering from all over the ship makes Yuyuko smile, knowing her loyal crew is always ready for her, and quickly, Youmu, and the rest of the ghostly crew is standing in front of Yuyuko and awaiting orders.

Yuyuko places her hands on her waist while looking with a strict, yet somehow whimsical look on her face, then says "alright, take portside cannons and BLAST that red eyesore of an ark right out of the sky!"

The girls salute Yuyuko and scatter to the right, so Yuyuko angrily shouts "hey, wait, wait, wait! Where are you going? I said portside!"

The girls all stop, then Youmu and Lunasa look curiously at each other, then both shrug while looking at Yuyuko and say "no subtitles."

Kimi takes a step forward, then says "really, this pirate language is confusing, and without those subtitles, I can't tell left from back right now..."

Yuyuko stares curiously at the girls, then suddenly claps her hands in the air and says "ah, of course, I forgot.", then pulls a black remote control from her right pocket.

She aims to her front-left, presses a button, then the words "portside = left, ladies" appear in white, just below the scene.

The girls read the subtitles, look at Yuyuko, smile, but remain standing.

Yuyuko angrily taps her left foot on the floor of the ship, then asks "now what? What's the matter?"

Still smiling, Merlin says "princess, there is no need. We are the only ship remaining! The sky is ours!"

Yuyuko looks around the ship, and realizes the girls are right, there is absolutely no other flying ship in sight.

After thinking to herself for about a minute, Yuyuko hums, then says "I don't buy it. Youmu, fire the homing cannon."

Youmu gasps, her face turns blue, and she starts trembling violently as she asks "th-the-the homing? Homing cannon? Yu-Yuyuko-sama, r-remember what the rabbit girl said!"

Yuyuko rubs her own chin while she ponder, then asks herself "hmm, I wonder who that purple-haired rabbit really is?"

Kali smirks mischievously as she places her hand on Youmu's right shoulder and says "you either shoot it now, or it's going to happen later anyway."

Youmu sighs in defeat, then says "fine.", then shouts "prepare the homing cannon! Remember to get your safety helmets, get some water bottles, fill the backpacks with spare food and honey, and PRAY!"

After the girls scatter around the ship aimlessly, a laughably small silver cannon magically appears on the ship's bow, just under the starboard (right) side rails.

Yuyuko gets closer to look at the tiny cannon, giggles, then says "my, all that fuss over this tiny thing."

Youmu stands to Yuyuko's right, wearing a bright yellow safety helmet, then hands Yuyuko the safety helmet on her hands and says "don't let the size fool you."

Yuyuko tosses away the helmet, boldly places her left foot on the rails, points forward, then shouts "FIRE THE HOMING CANNON!"

Seconds before the cannon fires, Youmu appears inside a small white bubble at the top-left corner of the scene, and looking tired, depressed and a bit annoyed, she says "the Homing Cannon. It will detect any ship in the sky without fail, even if it's cloaked, but if there is only one ship airborne, say our own ghostly ship, it will turn around and... yeah, shit's about to get real... again."

The bubble with Youmu in it disappears, and the tiny silver cannon fires, causing the entire ship to get pushed back with the recoil and causing all the girls on the ship, as well as the furniture inside the shrine replica, to roll around the ship's floors.

After the ship settles, inside the shrine, the furniture returns to its original place, including the hanged ornaments, while the girls on the deck moan and groan as they slowly get up on their feet.

Youmu looks at Lyrica and asks "are you alright?"

Lyrica shakes her head, removes her safety helmet, then replies "yeah. Thank goodness for safety helmets."

Kali jumps from underneath the floor with her helmet on hand, and with a smile on her face, she says "provides +89 defense, and protects against 1-Hit-KOs."

Yuyuko's head rolls on the floor and stops between the three girls, and after a very long and scary moan, Yuyuko cries "Y-Youmuuuu... My head hurts."

Youmu shouts back "I told you to wear the helmet!"


Over the sky, the dark oval bullet flies around the ghostly ship, searching or any possible targets that may be hidden either by magic, behind a cloud, or playing tennis over there.

It doesn't matter, because this bullet will search for, and find any ship in the sky.

After a few minutes of searching, an exclamation mark appears above the bullet, then it stops, turns around, then heads straight back to the ghostly ship.

From the poop deck, Lunasa shouts "shit, it's coming back!"

Youmu has just placed Yuyuko's head back on her body when she replies "I knew it! Shit DID get real! What do we do now, Yuyuko-sama?"

Yuyuko shakes her head, pats her neck to make sure it's secure, then opens her mouth, and the bullet lands two feet in front of her.

Yuyuko chuckles, then smiles as she says "never mind. It's already here."

Youmu and Merlin hide behind Yuyuko, with pale faces and trembling bodies, waiting for the smoke to clear, and obviously, for their inevitable dooms.

The smoke clears, and in place of what they thought was a bullet, is the tiny, yet incredibly dangerous Rabid Karate Night Sparrow.

The tiny bird's eyes glint, then raises his left wing, but does nothing, and for several seconds, everyone remains silent, that is, until Kimi, who is taking some sun rays on the shrine roof, wearing a blood-red string bikini, angrily says "would you just do it already? This stalling is pointless!"

The little sparrow glares at the sun-bathing dragon youkai, but knows she is right, so he raises his wing... and a giant scarlet fire spear twice the size of the ghostly ship slices right through the middle of the ship, and explodes exceedingly violently, sending ghosts, sexy dragons, shadows, poltergeists, one nekomata, a bird, and debris flying all over the sky in several directions.

From the left, Iku flies by in a hurry and with a terrified look on her face, she shouts "I swear, I thought those were fake!"

Remilia flies behind her with a furious look on her face, shouting "of COURSE they are fake! I'm a little GIRL! Now come back here and let me return the favor, oarfish!"

Iku hurries away from Remilia, crying "but these are MY peach buns! Get your own!"

Remilia furiously shouts back "THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING!"

From behind Remilia, Sakuya gives chase, holding several knives between her fingers on both hands, and with glowing red eyes and a serious tone of voice, she says "my lady, pay UP! You failed the bet!"

Remilia shouts back "hey, I'm your MISTRESS!"

Sakuya shouts back "that's why you should pay up! And I want ALL your training bras, not just the old ones!"

Remilia summons a scarlet flame spear on each hand, then shouts "that's it, I'm getting a butler!", then tosses one spear at Iku, and another at Sakuya, who drops her guard to let her eyes drain away all her sudden tears.


Later that evening, at The Myouren Temple, all the sunken crewwomen and their captains, as well as the little Rabid Karate Night Sparrow, are all enjoying a feast of meats, vegetable, sweets, fruits, and more importantly, sake.

Cirno, Lily and Daiyousei have only had a few small sips of the stuff, and already are pulling off their clothes, swinging them above their heads, and singing and dancing in their underwear, while the little red haired fairy records them with a camcorder, smiling, blushing and drooling while doing so.

Reimu and Marisa are sitting on the roof of the main temple, having a quiet time while drinking their sake and looking at the stars, then Byakuren and Yuyuko join them, bringing a bottle full of warmed sake each.

Marisa and Reimu, of course, accept their company after seeing their payment method.

Koakuma, Patchouli, Sakuya, Youmu, and Flandre, all cheer on, while Meiling and Kimi are having a friendly sparing match.

Though it's friendly, it seems someone forgot to tell Kimi about it, because she's using all sorts of dirty and illegal attacks, forcing Meiling to attack more fiercely, without getting dirty, or cheating.

Oh yes, the party is raging on with laughter, sake, fights, sake, peace, and sake, and all the girls share the beautiful starry spring night... all but two stubborn girls; a sea ghost, and a captain-wannabe.

Minamitsu and Chiyuri bicker away outside the temple's outer walls, away from the party, Chiyuri saying "I don't care how many years you've been at sea, I am a better captain than you'll EVER be!"

Minamitsu pushes her face closer to Chiyuri's, and through gritted teeth, she says "you're just a whiny sailor who isn't even fit to scrub the captain's quarters!"

Chiyuri replies through bare teeth "who'd want to scrub that flat ass of yours!"

The girls start growling while pushing their faces against each other, then Iku lands on their heads, knocking them out and exclaiming "I got it back! I really, truly got it back this time!"

Because her face is buried on the ground, Minamitsu's voice sounds muffled as she asks "what did you get back?"

Iku chuckles and replies "the fever!"

Even though she's facing down with her face inside the ground, Chiyuri somehow manages to raise her hands and clap while saying "good for you."

Iku jumps off the girls, pulls them out of the ground, makes sure they are looking over at her, then taps her left foot twice, spins, stops with her left hand on her waist, her right hand pointing diagonally upward, then shouts "FEVEEEEEEEER!"

For at least ten seconds, nothing at all happens, and both Chiyuri and Minamitsu are preparing themselves to comfort the oarfish youkai, but that's when an insane storm of lightning comes crashing down hard on the entire temple and its surroundings, striking absolutely all the girls both inside and outside the temple.

Poor Shou was even taking a bath in the temple's own artificial hot springs when she got struck.

It's a good thing she's a youkai.

Back outside the temple, Iku cheers and laughs for herself upon her amazing accomplishment, and after a third round of epic laughter, she shouts "I DID IT! I FINALLY DID IT!"

She raises both hands to chest height, opens her hands wide, looks up to the sky while laughing maniacally, then a golden washtub slams down hard on her face, making a disturbingly loud clanging sound upon impact, and knocking Iku down along with all the girls at the temple.

Over at Ail's house in the Forest of Magic, Sanae sits on the bamboo couch with blue cushions, with Budou sleeping on her lap, while Ail stands beside a cushioned seat in front of the couch with one of his own sukimas opened straight in front of the now-knocked out Iku.

After he closes it up, Sanae asks "so you manipulated her energy to cause a catastrophe? That's pretty evil of you, Ail-kun."

Ail turns a slightly evil smiling face at Sanae, then casually says "and with that, I feel those damned bitches and I are even for all the shit they put me through!"

Sanae is now standing right in front of Ail, leaving Budou to sleep on the couch, and with a flushed face, and breathing quite heavily, she says "you are so mine, dirty man!"

Without much of a choice, Sanae drags Ail by the collar of his shirt back to his room, and although being forced to a possible rape, Ail does not seem bothered by that fact at all, smiling, though nervously, as Sanae drags him to his own room.


To be continued...

Characters, Spell Cards and Scenarios belong to ZUN -Team Shanghai Alice-

Ail, Kali, Kimi, Kyo, Budou and the Rabid Karate Night Sparrow (RKNS) were created by Willie G.R.

Rika Onkamikami was created by Snapshot 2010

Damien was created by Hydroviper

Reimu the Oni Miko is a creation of Visionnerz

FEB 03 2011

Written by

Willie G.R.


A/N:

And finally, chapter 4 is posted. Sadly, I don't think I was able to top chapter 3 (that one was so freaking epic), but I dunno, all my inspiration just took a damned dive and won't come back. Well, whatever, I just hope you have enjoyed this chapter, and do know that it's possible I'll take a while before posting anything again. Anyway, take care.

One more thing... Old Maid is serious business.