Ch 5

A few days had passed, a few long ones and John had locked himself up in either his office at work or his room ... their room at the hotel... he was starting to feel numb and exhausted... all he seemed to do is think about her, them, how he acted, what went wrong

" Johnny... what's up bro? You look like shit" Michael asked as he approached John in his office. John was unresponsive for a few minutes. He never even acknowledged Michaels words, his presence.

"Johnny...Johnny… your scaring me... what's going on?" John came out of his funk for a few minutes, his brooding miserable regretful face looked to Michaels.

'Nothing... bad day... what's up?" John stood and walked closer to Michael and Michael knew there was more to this but... he knew his brother, it would go nowhere at this moment to push.

" Alright... well... just came looking for you. You and Natalie actually... wanted to invite the two of you to dinner for Tommy's birthday" John heard her name and he looked away towards her desk out in the hall, her old desk, someone else sitting there.

"I have to work " was all John told him and Michael looked deeper at his brother, closer. He walked closer.

"its your nephew John... I'm sure you can take an hour or so off to spend time with your family"

"I can't" he said walking passed him and over to the file cabinet to grab a few files. Michael approached him.

"Fine... I'm sure Natalie can work on you... tell you that you're not being ri—" John turned quickly this time at yet again the mention of her name.

"Natalie won't anything, not anything!!! Don't you get it!! She's not here... and will never be again... " his loud obnoxious tone changed to remorse, soft.

"We aren't together anymore Michael... and... I... I have a lot of work to do" John walked from his office, fast, he grabbed his keys on the way out, his jacket, he needed a drink, a few and fast.

John walked into Rodis' he felt her presence the minute he did, he turned do see her at the pool table, their pool table and his heart, it nearly jumped from his body. He walked closer to her as he just had to speak with her, here her voice. He missed her, the sound of her, everything about her these last few days ... and the way they left things had his heart in pieces.

"Natalie" John spoke softly as he walked closer to her by the pool table, he watched her fidget with her hair like she always did when she was nervous or upset. She didn't answer him nor did she meet his eyes with hers as he started to walk closer to her. He got even closer and as he did he watched how uncomfortable she got, how more and more nervous she seemed to get.

"What do you want John?" she asked as her eyes finally felt they could look at him. As she felt she could finally meet his gaze.

Natalie noticed his look, remorseful. He looked that way, and he looked beautiful to her, still a beautiful sight to her and she knew it would be so easy to just forget all of this, to give up on this finding herself thing, to just be with him... however he wanted her but…she had to stay strong, she had to do it and for herself. She reminded herself as he spoke.

"Can we talk? Go somewhere and talk," he said afraid she would say no, so he didn't wait for her answer.

"I need to apologize to you... we need to work thru this, I want too, I want us too" he told her and she looked at him.

"You want us too?" she said softly and looked at him, the tears already forming in his eyes.

"Yeah, I love you. We can do this, we can"

Natalie walked around him, over by the jukebox and was silent for a few minutes, he walked up behind her and spoke gently and she was continuing to find it so hard to not fall into his arms, his spell... his heart again but... this wasn't about them loving each other now was it? It was about them being different people, becoming different and difference coming between them.

"John... if... if you were that person... the one who cared about me, who got me, the one that walked into crossroads, the one that pulled me too him with our connection... one that at one time made me feel so safe, secure, loved... if you were that person now...and if I was who I once was... once felt that the connection we had was all that mattered... maybe... but..." she paused and turned to his face.

"But... we've become something else, you... a person who talks to me like I'm a child doing wrong, one that acts like I'm a child, and me... one... that allows you to make me feel that way... one that lets you walk all over my self esteem, my pride" She paused as he closed his eyes.

"We're not the same two people with a connection that could melt fire... that could take on serial killers, risen again husbands… daddy demons... Spencer Truman... we're just not the same... your just not the same and neither am I"

'We can be the same again... we can find our way...I miss you"

"And I miss you too.… the you... the one somewhere deep inside that had always put my needs first... the one who I knew loved me even if he couldn't say the words... not the one" she took a break

"Not the one that yells at me... belittles me… makes excuses for not wanting to marry me..." John closed his eyes, reopened them, and looked in her face. Her eyes were watering and he reached his hand to move a piece of hair from in front of her eyes and she caught his hand mid way.

"No" she told him and he moved his hand from hers.

"I never meant to become that person," he said softly " I never meant to take from you... to make you feel... the way you've been... I've never meant to not listen or really hear you... I've…"

"I have to go John," she said losing her strength to stay strong and not touch him, not want him to hold her and tight.

Natalie walked fast, faster as she approached the doors of Rodi's as she almost ran into Miles by the door.