Ch 6

"Hey... wait" Miles told her as she didn't stop to talk to him, to say hi, she just kept walking quickly passed him, he looked over towards the pool table and he understood why as he ran after her.

'Natalie... wait" he called after her again and she slowed down by her car, started to open it but stopped as he came real close to her. She was losing it, breaking down and she didn't turn fro the car, just faced her door as she spoke to him.

"How are you miles?" she said trying to be nice, to change the attitude of things, to change the thoughts, the emotions in her head and heart at the moment... just ignoring them.

'I'm good... you however... don't looked so good" he told her and she smiled weakly and turned towards him.

"I'm okay... not good... but Okay" she told him and smiled weakly again at him.

"Well okay...it's a start isn't?" she smiled a bit more this time, just a bit.

"Have lunch yet?" he asked all innocent

"No"

'Well... lets go have some... the diner or the Palace?" he asked and she looked at him, his sincere eyes.

"The diner, not up for the Palace" he nodded his head and he got into her car with her to drive over to the diner.

John watched as she ran out of Rodi's, she ran from him, she just kept running from him, the knot in his stomach got harder, larger as he again saw she still couldn't bare to look at him, into his eyes. He couldn't believe he had done this to her, that he had cause her so much pain, that her eyes... something the two of them always had, the looks between them, the secure feeling, loving feeling shared thru there eyes...it was gone, nothing more than pain.

John sat at a booth, flagged down the waitress for a beer and began to drink, and heavily. Trying yet again today to drink away the look in her eyes, the pain in her words.

"So this is the place? Nice" Miles said as he walked around the living room of Natalie's cottage, they had lunch and then he followed her here so she could show him the place.

'Yeah? You think so? I mean... it's no Palace" she smiled small at him, he returned the smile " or even Llanfair but... it's mine, has always been mine and actually... it feels real good to be here... to sleep here... in a bed of my own... that I made my own..." she said and looked at him confused for a minute " can you understand that? Did it make any sense?"

Miles looked at her and smiled, it made perfect sense. " Yeah... it makes perfect sense... you feel good here, you fit" he told her and she smiled, " yeah... I fit... I forgot... for so long... how this place made me feel, how it fit... it's been too long"

"Well... then..." miles said and stopped as he continued to walk the room, leaving her a bit confused on what he was so suddenly getting at.

She looked onto him still confused for a few minutes. " What?" she finally asked

"I'm a bit jealous... I've never had a place that fit... that I felt was home and made me feel good... I was in that damn institution my entire life...I'm just... just learning things, doing firsts... and" Miles got an idea...an idea for another first.

"And what?" she asked, he looked at her smiling." I have an idea for another first..."

'Okay spill"

"No... It's a surprise just make sure you're home Thursday night"

Rodi's

"John man...how many drinks have you had?" Antonio asked as he saw him almost lying on the counter at the bar.

"He's had too many... do me a favor Antonio, take him home, he's not fit to drive" Mac told Antonio and he grabbed John's arm and started to guide him out to his car.

John didn't say a word to him, not one as he helped him into his car, not for a few minutes while they drove till Antonio asked.

"This about Natalie? I heard from Jess"

John heard her name, Natalie's name and he was so drunk, so drunk that he just couldn't hold things inside and leave them there right now... he couldn't control his emotions with the amount of alcohol in him.

'She... she needs to find me... I mean ... her... I need to me ... too" he said not making sense, almost none to Antonio but... some how he understood it.

"Says Love... its not more...enough... sometimes... I changed... she... too" he turned to Antonio as he looked at him briefly while driving.

"Why? Why can't it be enough... why? Doesn't she want to try? Fight? Hold on" he asked and Antonio saw him face, a side to him he had only seen pieces of once or twice when she was missing, when Haver had her, when barber had her, when he thought she may have been dead.

Antonio pulled the car over, looked over to his friend, not sure he'd remember his words in the morning but... he said them anyways.

"What are you doing about it john? Huh? She needs to find herself... that's good, cause the real Natalie... the one you fell for... fell for even when she was marrying my brother... that one... she's been gone lately..."

"Oh... so... you think its good... fine" John got mad, he was trying to open the car door but couldn't.

"John... it is good, its good for her... and it's good for you"

"How? She's not here with me... she wants nothing to do with me… her eyes... their... their dark when she look at me... how is that good?"

"Its good cause now. Now you can work on being who you used to be... and you can show her...show her how much she means to you... " John looked at him all puzzled.

"I don't understand... I just want my Natalie back... I don't wanna sleep alone anymore... I want to touch her hair in the morning, I want to feel her next to me... on the roof, in our bed...I just... I just lo--… mis--- her" John told him and Antonio started the car and continued to drive.

"Good then... fight for her...show her... you can be patient while she finds what she needs... but... you wont give up... cause John... chief... honestly...you really need to step up this time" Antonio looked over to john now staring out the window... he saw him... and what seemed to be him sobering some and he hoped that he was sober enough to remember his words, to think about them.

John's head was spinning some, he was feeling nothing but numb when he was sober enough to here his friends words, he closed his eyes and closed his thoughts as he leaned his head up against the car window and all he saw there was her…them.

Thursday

John woke to the sound of his clock, never before did he ever have to rely on an alarm clock to wake him but lately... with all the drinking, with her gone, he had too... it took so much for him to get to sleep at night, maybe ten beers and he'd pass out, be out for the night and maybe even more if he didn't want to dream of her, think of her.

John sat up and hit the clock off, he stood there for a few minutes and shook his head for a minute... he hated this shit... hated not being with her, near her, not seeing her at work or even knowing where she was, what she was doing, he hated not being in her life at all... having nothing to do with each other. He stood slowly as his head hurt so bad... as he went to the bathroom showered quick and walked out of there room... he cursed himself for a minute... his room... he meant to think... not theirs... they had nothing anymore... fours years of needing her in his life... and he lost her... they lost each other.

"Hey Johnny" Michael said as he saw him in the hall outside the room.

'Hey" john said quietly but didn't feel like stopping... didn't feel like talking but Michael stepped in front of him and stopped him.

"How are you today Bro? " Michael asked knowing and seeing what a mess john had been since Natalie left him.

"Fine... I gotta get to work" john abruptly told him and started to walk away as he heard Marcie come out from her and Michael's room.

"Michael I almost forgot don't forget to pick up the plat at the florist for Natalie's party ton---" Marcie hadn't noticed john walking a few feet away until the words were out. She saw Michaels face and then saw John walk back towards them.

"Natalie's party tonight?" John asked curious to the fact that she was having a party... and his brother and sister in law... his family was attending.

"Yeah..." Marcie said hesitantly and Michael motioned for her to go he'd handle his brother.

"Yeah... Miles Lawrence is throwing her a surprise house warming dinner party tonight... Marcie, Tommy and I ... we were ... invited" Michael told him softly gently not knowing if this would depress him more or make him mad.

John looked to the ground, that damn Miles Lawrence again." I see" was all he said quietly... and started to slowly walk away, mike walked after him.

'Johnny. Johnny." he called to his brother until he stopped for a few minutes

"You guys... you'll be back... you know... together... in know time... this is good for Natalie... for you too... remember... you were having doubts about the marriage thing... anyways... remember Johnny? This break up... this break... it wasn't ... isn't just all about her... now is it?"

John didn't answer his brother, he kept walking towards the stairs, but... instead of going down to the lobby and leaving for work he walked up to the roof... their roof.

Opening the heavy metal door, looking around he could see them making love up her, the first time, a few other times... even them seeing that damn shooting star... how beautiful she looked that night, how jealous he was of Vincent's Jones words that night... how beautiful she was all the time. Whether dressed up or not... he silently walked around the roof, taking it all in, all the words of the past few months... all the stolen few moments... stolen few... he blinked at those thoughts...

When he had been in that bed, that hospital bed he swore. Swore he'd do things different... not only show her how much he loved her, wanted to be with her... but tell her... and he did tell her, he came back and he wanted to marry her... to wanted that dream of a family with her... the one he saw at his dads grave but...things weren't right... and he wanted to make them perfect... she deserved it to be right... she had been so much to him, done so much for him in these past years... she deserved right... perfect but...

John stood by the edge of the roof... had his wanting to make it so perfect caused some of this... caused her to go off the deep end with her worrying about him constantly... worrying and becoming insecure about him not wanting to ask her after all this time? He shook his head confused, was that part of what happened to her, took herself away... from her... made her something she wasn't? He walked passed the edge over to the bench they sat many, many times. Put his face in his hands and held it in silence for a few minutes.

"Have I become something different too?" he asked himself " did the accident change me?" questions he never really stopped to think before he did now... and he didn't like the answers he found... the ones telling him... yes... he had changed... cause... when before the accident would he have not cared about what she was feeling, thinking... when would he not listen and hear her??? He shook his head after a few minutes and stood.

"I've got a lot to figure out... to work thru... the same as her...but...I can't do it with out her... without not even a small part of her..." he said out loud and he walked off the roof and headed towards work.

Natalie sat at the small table in her foyer, she had her coffee and she heard a knock on her front door.

"Yes"

"Natalie Buchanan" Natalie nodded and the man moved passed her sight and signaled for another man, a mover to carry the large wooden ... swing on a frame? Onto her porch,

"What's?? What's going on/" she asked and the man asked her to sign for the beautiful three person swing... she just looked at him.

'I didn't order this" she said and then she noticed the large red bow on top... she looked at him a bit confused again.

"Yeah... I figured by the request for the bow but… its yours... some romantic must have ordered it... we were told to place it in the best view of the stars" the man told her as she signed his paper... she walked out onto the porch as they left and looked over it... touched the lacquer stained wood and smiled... still confused on too who sent it... her first idea with the part about the stars would be john but... no. He couldn't have been him... Vincent... maybe even miles... maybe even her sister but... not John... not the john of late... no way possible.