Last time, on Tales of the Almost Pirates... nothing really spectacular happened, but this time...

Yukari walks out of the comforts of the Ghostly Ship's interiors, walks over to the starboard (right) side, opens her sexy pirate's shirt, and reveals a pair of grey cannons where her breasts were.

She grins toward the S.S. In Your Face Murasa, where Chiyuri groans and says "wait; what the fuck? The chapter hasn't even STARTED yet, and you're going to shoot us with your CANNON BOOBS!?" She then excitedly adds "where can I get some!?"

The youkai sage chuckles softly, never ending her knowing smile, then looks up and says "I'm sorry dear, it's nothing personal, but the author has absolutely no idea how else to start this, so... CANNON BOOBS, FIRE!"

Yuyuko whimsically approaches her blonde friend as the deafening explosion of cannons echoes in the sky, and asks "why aren't those called 'Boob Cannons' instead?"

Yukari chuckles again and says "because these do not fire boobs, Yuyuko. These fire..."

Chiyuri gasps loudly and screams at the top of her lungs "NUTRITIONAL SALAD BOMBS!? Abandon ship! Abandon shi-!"

When those combinations of broccoli, cauliflower, lettuce, tomato, and beets without dressing hit the ship's hull, the explosion is so bright and massive, that I need sunglasses to write this as I imagine the explosion brightening the morning sky with a second sun of healthy vittles.

In the middle of the bright light, a female silhouette in a gentle fetal position can be seen becoming more solid as the light dims down, while the S.S. In Your Face Murasa is nowhere to be seen anymore.

This girl has lilac hair she makes into two long ponytails, and wears a short brown dress with black linings and long white sleeves, a small floral clip that adorns the right side of her head, has no shoes on her cute feet, and is holding a small biwa that is chained to her left hand.

The girl slowly descends to the ghostly ship, uncurls herself when close to the floor, and while Yukari buttons herself up, Benben Tsukumo smiles and asks "hi! Sorry to intrude, but have you seen a girl with brown hair wearing a white shirt and black skirt around here?"

"I'm afraid we haven't." responds Yuyuko with that sweet whimsical tone of hers. "But you are welcome to stay for lunch if you like."

The tsukumogami smiles brightly and says "I can!? Oh how wonderful; thank you! I suppose Yatsuhashi-chan can wait a little longer." And so she happily joins the two elder youkai; who actually look hot and sexy in their tight pirate girl clothes; to enjoy a few delectable refreshments.

Meanwhile down on the hard ground, Chiyuri's crew work hard on rebuilding the S.S. In Your Face Murasa as fast as they can.

Among their many bamboo shoots, they have a girl with short brown hair and brown eyes, who wears a magenta headband with diagonal stripes, a long sleeved white shirt with lilac accents on the center and cuffs, a purple bow around her waist that's tied on her back, a black skirt with magenta zigzags on the bottom edges, and wears no shoes on her cute feet.

"I am TELLING you, I am NOT A PIECE OF BAMBOO!" screams Yatsuhashi Tsukumo at her captors. "I am a tsukumogami YOUKAI! YOU! KAI!"

Completely ignoring the screaming bamboo shoot, Chiyuri addresses Yumemi casually. "Right; place the white and black one on the starboard side. It should give it some needed definition."

Yatsuhashi screeches in rage, then the redhead salutes the little blonde and walks over; however, she trips on a rock and falls on top of the pile of bamboo, making the poor tsukumogami groan out her stock of breath.

Said girl coughs and then speaks completely out of breath "get... off... me. You're... crushing... me!" She then proceeds to use all her youkai strength to push the woman off, but remains unsuccessful.

Yumemi lifts herself up with teary eyes, looks down at the offending girl and asks "I... I'm fat?" She stands up, explores her body, then says "I'm not fat! I'm very slender!"

"Yeah, sure; tell that to the 10th strawberry cheesecake you ate last night" unhelpfully adds Chiyuri in a nonchalant tone.

The redhead woman whimpers, looks at her subordinate with tearful anger, then takes off running and crying loudly "I AM NOT FAAAAAAT!"

She runs past Chiyuri and knocks her down toward the pile of bamboo shoots, forcing them to roll down the hill along with Yatsuhashi, whom rolls down one clean grass first, then on rocks, then on singing divas, then on logs, then on fish, then on cucumbers, and finally stops when crashes against a tree.

The poor tsukumogami grunts and howls as she painfully stands on her wobbly legs, breathes raspy through her mouth, then the thin piece of land she's on breaks, and she falls down a cliff, splashing into a river where she gets dragged by rapids, bitten by turtles, blasted by an evil overlord, kicked by a soccer ball, and finally, she stops at the edge of the river, where she desperately drags herself away from the water as fast as her trembling arms allow her.

Yatsuhashi pants, wheezes, groans, sighs victoriously on the ground after her feet are three feet away from the water, then weakly cheers "I-I'm alive. Somehow... I'm alive."

"I AM NOT FAAAAAAT!"

Yumemi comes running and crying with her hands on her face, and kicks the poor tsukumogami back into the water, where she continues to receive unjust punishment by unseen awesomeness. Ooh, look at that spark.


Meanwhile, at the Human Village's outskirt's, the suspicious Keine suspiciously carries a suspicious basket, probably containing suspicious objects for suspiciously obscure activities. How suspicious.

She stops her march and glances left, then suspiciously looks right, then Lucia Akiramoto, a human girl with bushy light brown hair with a golden highlight that reaches her shoulders, hazel eyes, who wears a blue ribbon with red glyphs, a tight, red, short-sleeved shirt, a pair of brown short shorts, has a brown jacket tied around her waist, and a camera bag around her shoulder, jumps on the teacher's back and grabs her breasts with a cheer.

"KYAAAAAAHHHH" suspiciously screams the suspicious Keine before struggling to remove the girl's hands from her suspicious person. "Lucia! LET GO THIS INSTANT!"

She suspiciously judo-tosses the girl away and shouts "do you HAVE to do that on this story too!?"

Lucia flips in the air and sticks a perfect landing, then smiles gleefully and says "don't blame me. Blame the author, whom is in desperate need of some T&A!"

Three washtubs fall on that blasphemous girl's head, each on their own, and the last having Kisume in it, for extra pain.

The girl grunts in pain as she shakily stands up and grunts to herself "note... to self. Don't talk shit about Willie."

"Please don't break that wall so early" suspiciously cautiously says Keine while looking around suspiciously nonchalantly.

The brown haired girl stands, miraculously healed, and says "why is it so suspicious? Why are you so suspicious? And what are you carrying there that's so suspicious?"

The suspicious woman smiles, opens her basket, and pulls out an action figure, which is suspicious, and says "I'm glad you asked. I am here to test out the latest cannon in my suspicious development line: The Super Hero Cannon!"

The suspicious one raises her hand toward a gigantic canon twice the size of Akyuu's mansion, to which the human girls awes at and says "how the heck did I miss that!?"

"Because it lacks a pair of boobs or a butt, my dear." casually replies Keine. How very suspicious.

"You know me so well, Mama Keine" responds that perverted girl.

The history teacher merely giggles to that, and climbs down the cannon's loading bay after placing in the action figure. She then makes her way to the suspiciously advanced electronic controls, and while her adoptive daughter observes her curiously, she adjusts the aiming reticle on the device's monitor. And she's being way too suspicious this time.

Keine smiles suspiciously after adjusting that canon to perfection, suspiciously so, then says "alright, let's see how this baby works... in 3, 2, 1... KA-BOOOOOMMMM"

"WHYYYYYYYYY!" screams Yatsuhashi as she is blasted out of the cannon and to the sky, where she zips by the Palanquin, the Scarlet Demon Ark, that Ghostly Ship, and goes all the way to Heaven.

The poor tsukumogami screams curses as her clothes are burned by atmospheric friction, but before we can see anything good, she crashes on the wall of a white and gold castle settled on the clouds.

"I'M NOT FAAAAAT!" Yumemi comes running out of the blue and out of the frame crying with her hands on her face, and kicks the action figure that was stuck on the corner of the frame straight at the brown haired youkai girl.

Now the impact Yatsuhashi causes is really nothing, but the explosion after the action figure flies in after her destroys said castle, and sends angels, celestials and dragons flying all over the place. I think I saw Suika blowing away too.

Down at the village again, after Keine had pressed the button, the recoil from the blast was immense enough to blow hers and Lucia's clothes clean off their bodies (as well as level a few houses and farms). Keine's undies are lacey black, and Lucia's are white bras with pink panties; no garter belts. That's just TOO suspicious.

The teacher doesn't care about her modesty right about now. She's grinning suspiciously darkly toward the Heavens, while her adoptive daughter looks at her curiously and asks "Mama, weren't you aiming for the ships? I mean, they are the main focus of this-"

Keine's eyes narrow suspiciously evilly as she chuckles darkly, and sinisterly says "that's what you get for calling me a grass-eating cow, Hinanai Tenshi."

Lucia trembles at the sight of her suspiciously evil-grinning mama, and has sucked in her lips and stomach (for no reason), as she crab-walks her way away from that suspicious woman in such suspiciously enticing underwear. How suspicious.


Meanwhile, Futo Mononobe, who currently wears a simple white, turtleneck leotard with long sleeves, and a pair of brown pirate boots, walks over the S.S. Glass Leotard's deck in her search for Miko.

Her quest has brought her to the flying ships, and now, after donning the sexy leotard, she feels powerful, unstoppable, and she wonders why is there a red haired woman running around the ship with her hands on her crying face, and claiming she is not overweight.

She disregards the woman and smiles confidently toward the clouds after stopping her slow march, bends down and raises her cute butt as she prepares to run, then there is a loud thud, the ship rattles, and so Futo merely sighs, straightens up, and faces one large mechanical chicken that threateningly shouts out at her with its mechanical voice "Buck buck BUC-KAAAAAWWWW!"

Futo glares back at the metal creature, and angrily says "I return the sentiment, you metallic spawn from the Netherworld!"

"He's not affiliated with us!" shouts Yuyuko from the ghostly ship, to which the chicken and the Taoist both tilt their heads in agreement, then they both take a fighting stance.

The chicken runs to Futo and throws a punch at her right eye she dodges with ease, and she responds with a punch to its stomach, surprisingly enough, landing a solid hit and making it double over. She takes this chance and uppercuts the metal monster three feet in the air, then lands on her feet, eager to continue.

That metal chicken hops back on its feet, runs to port (left) and rips a piece of loose glass board from the rails, then runs to the girl and swings at her head. She dodges the first attack, and she responds with a hard jab, but then it swings the board again and strikes her on the left of her torso.

She cries out in pain and bends slightly toward the point of impact. The chicken buckaws with a grin when she holds the board with her hands to push it off, then repeatedly bitch-slaps her face, making her back away toward the control room of the ship.

Once inside, she manages to recover enough to start punching the chicken in the face with her left arm, forcing it to move around to where she was. She speeds up her punches using both hands now, forcing it to block and drop the glass board, then kicks it hard against the rudder, breaking it and smashing the controls.

Shinki enters the room and gasps, is followed by Yumeko who tries to immediately stop the fight, but Futo grabs her short sword, the chicken grabs the leotard maid by her legs, and then they start swinging at each other, ignoring the screaming maid in sexy tights getting a wedgie from being swung around, and getting many cuts from Futo's sword swings.

"ABANDON SHIP" screams Shinki as the S.S. Glass Leotard begins its uncontrolled descent.

The chicken tangles the short sword on Yumeko's hair, then pulls it away from Futo, then grins and swings the maid with deadly accuracy, until the silver-haired girl blocks the maid, and punches her out of her opponent's hands, then she and the monster start throwing old-fashioned punches at each other's faces.

The Taoist and the chicken continue to trade punches as they move away from the glass ship before it completely drops, and jump to the Scarlet Demon Ark, where they are immediately shot at by fairy maids and Meiling.

"Intruders! Blast them out of our ark!" commands the gate guard, but their shots keep missing the fighters, and instead break a huge chunk of the Ark's flooring, and making the fighters stop for a moment.

The chicken takes this distraction to grab hold of Futo improperly, squeeze hard enough to make her scream, then throws her into the hole and jumps in after her to land on her with its knees.

Though pained, Futo rolls away and lets the metal chicken break through the floor with its knees, then jumps in after it, landing on its head and sinking it into its body, then hops off and punches it on the belly, popping its head out painfully.

The sounds of their smacks can be heard all over the Ark, and young Remilia's screaming "SAKUYA! SAKUYA, THEY'RE DESTROYING TH-KYAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

Random parts of the Ark begin to explode, and shortly after the whole vessel explodes with such force, that Futo and the chicken are blown away to the Palanquin's deck, where they immediately recover and grab everything in reach to harm each other with.

Futo finally grabs Yatsuhashi and smacks her unconscious against the chicken's metal armor, then throws her away after the monster painfully pecks her head with its metal beak.

The Taoist backs away to the ship's control, and the metal monster follows after her, landing an uppercut on her stomach that sends her flying onto the rudder, but she recovers mid-air and dives away from said wheel, then spin-kicks the chicken away and chases after it with the anchor that was about to crash on her head.

Before she can use it, the chicken comes with a flying kick she ducks under, and so Minamitsu takes the full blow to the stomach and crashes against Shou, who accidentally sets loose the barrels held by a cargo net.

The barrels roll straight at the fighters, but they merely jump on top of them and move their feet accordingly while trading blows and balancing easily.

After the barrels roll overboard, the chicken reaches out and grabs Lily White, then pumps her like a gun and shoots pussy willows at Futo, but the Taoist rolls away, reaches right, and grabs Chen with her Chensaw.

She spins the Chensaw and cat girl with such skill and precision that she not only deflects the pussy willows, but she also manages to approach her attacker, then swings the cat and weapon and makes the monster buc-kaw aloud as its armor gets a new opening at the crotch.

The metal chicken pecks Chen on the head and causes her to drop, but in doing so allows her Saw Sword to cut the Palanquin in half, and even though they fall almost immediately, they keep trading punches and kicks in mid air.

It grabs Futo's fist and pecks her head three times, but she grabs its neck and grips it tight before kicking its metal groin repeatedly, making it screech like a mad chicken in pain, then they push each other away.

After they fall to the ground, the Palanquin falls on top of them and explodes chaotically, but they still stand their ground and move away while trading punches.

They reach the Human Village, where they break through walls and level houses as they continue their fight unhindered. Even so, they are both reaching their limits, and both are badly damaged. This has got to end sometime.

Benben stands in the middle of the village and watches in horror as the people scream and run for their lives. "This is HORRIBLE! Don't worry you mean humans! I shall stop them!"

Futo sees Benben and rushes to her, jumps behind her, grips her dress, then rips it off of her. The tsukumogami blushes and screams, but she is thankful she has a bikini that matches the color of her hair under her clothes.

The metal chicken stops its advanced at Futo when it sees this, then bleeds unusual amounts of oil through its nose as it hops in place and flaps its wings excitedly.

While it's distracted, the Taoist sneaks up behind it with a feather pillow and blows it up with a fireball as it strikes its head.

The chicken screams in surprise, but turns around and punches Futo on the chest. It walks over to her to finish the job with a linked fist while she recovers from the blow, and then, a feather enters its mouth, dives fast into its circuitry, and with just a scratch from its tip, the entire system inside the vile metal fowl shorts out.

The Metal Chicken screams "BUCK-CAAAWWWWWWWW", then it drops dead on the floor, crackling with electricity that makes its body twitch for 5 more seconds.

Futo, bloodied up, bruised, hurt and exhausted, looks down on her felled opponent, becomes lost in thought as she watches her good work; with some parts of the metal bird exploding before her eyes, then, with one last deep breath, she turns around and walks away, not realizing her leotard has ridden up on her butt, and is making quite a nice spectacle.

Little does she know that the chicken's eyes suddenly flare up, even thou it seems to be completely destroyed.

Meanwhile, Benben finds herself surrounded by men and women that come with many gifts, and they all worship her jiggly round posterior, her soft-looking, bouncy breasts, and her milky white skin.

"Oh my!" she says shyly. "I didn't know I was this liked."

And at the same time, at the Kappa Village, Nitori growls with frustration and says "stupid metal chicken! Why didn't it answer to my remote control!?"

She turns the item on hand twice over, shrugs, then says "bah! I guess I'll try another." She then smashes the control on the ground and leaves, not realizing that she was using Yatsuhashi as a standing stone, and that she just smashed the control to pieces on the poor girl's noggin.


And so, after subduing the dragon with her powerful biwa song, Benben makes a dramatic exit, while said dragon howls, heartbroken that the beauty that just defeated him has left him behind, like yesterday's garbage.

She reaches the edge of the cliff, jumps off, then gets run over by the Palanquin, which is completely restored like nothing ever happened to it, and is having a heated cannon battle against the S.S. In Your Face Murasa.

"WOMAN THOSE CANNONS!" commands Minamitsu.

"WE NEED MORE POWDER!" shouts Shou.

"LOAD THE DAMNED GUN, YOU COCKROACH!" commands Ichirin.

"BLUEEEEERGH!" vomits Byakuren.

"WOMAN DOWN! WOMAN DOWN!" shouts Nue, who runs by Benben as she stands back up. She grabs the stowaway's hand and drags her toward Byakuren. "Come! We need to get Byakuren to the infirmary!"

The tsukumogami doesn't understand what's happening, but she's been dragged into this, so she might as well help. She helps load Byakuren on a stretcher that, suspiciously enough, looks like the back of Yatsuhashi's clothes stretched out to make such portable bedding.

She shrugs this off and lifts the monk up with Nue's help, totally not noticing that Yatsuhashi IS the stretcher, and she's crying for help underneath; and another little detail she's missing is the obvious fact that this stretcher has hands and feet instead of tubes.

"C'mon, I am NOT a stretcher! Hic! Benben, please help your sister! ANYONE, PLEASE!" screams the poor girl, but nobody can hear her scream so high in the sky and surrounded by loud cannon fire.

When the girls reach the infirmary, the first thing Nazrin the nurse says is "I got a ton of mice handling the medications, so don't expect cleanliness in this office. Now, what seems to be the trouble?"

Nue opens her mouth to explain, but the mousy nurse quickly says "I see, I see! Well, drop her on the bed and let's get her some stomach medications."

Benben doesn't know when or how they communicated, but at least she can rest after dropping Byakuren on the bed, where she moans as she turns her head and her stomach gurgles.

They drop the Yatsuhashi stretcher aside, and she conveniently spins three times before falling with her face toward the wall, so her screams of help have no effect.

Nazrin approaches the patient while the others watch helplessly from the sidelines, then begins asking for items, which her mice bring over.

"Scalpel," she sets it aside; "cotton," puts the balls next to the scalpel; "saw," stares at it unamused, then tosses it back; "cheese," she takes a bite.

After staring at Byakuren with a flat gaze, she then sighs, lowers her head, then says "this is gonna hurt." She hammer fists the Youkhrist's stomach with all her might, and the woman groans as she spits out Chiyuri.

Nazrin catches the trembling blonde and nonchalantly says "congratulations; it's a Chiyuri."

"How did I get here?" asks the captain wannabe before being handed to the arms of her loving mother(?). She's going to complain, but as soon as she feel that fuzzy warmth when Byakuren's arms embrace her, she sighs happily and falls right asleep on the woman's bosom.

"Aww!" Benben sniffles and continues "the miracle of life is so beautiful."

The mouse nurse has a soft smile as she looks down, and asks "so what are you going to name this precious child?"

Byakuren pulls the sleeping girl back, stares, then happily says "Chiyuri." before snuggling her motherly.

Nue and Benben hug and aww at the loving view before them, not noticing when Mamizou enters the room, looks around "oh, this will do nicely", grabs the Yatsuhashi stretcher, then takes the screeching girl off.

That poor unfortunate tsukumogami finds herself latched onto a flat cannon, and screams "NO PLEASE! I AM NOT A CANNONBALL! WAAAHHH; BENBEN SAVE MEEEE!"

Ichirin looks at the tanuki and asks "did you hear that?" Said woman just shrugs and shakes her head.

Mamizou then grabs the lever to fire the cannon and shouts "FOR HILLARITYYY!" Yatsuhashi screams at the top of her lungs as she flies off at insane speeds past the S.S. In Your Face Murasa, and disappears in the distance.

The light-blue haired girl stares in disbelief, and unenergetically says "girl... you totally missed."

"Oh, did I?" questions the tanuki.

Maribel stands at the edge of the bamboo ship with a quizzical look on her face, looks to Mima, and then asks "what just happen?" Her skirt falls off soon after, revealing lacey red panties.

"I AM NOT FAAAAAAT!" cries Yumemi as she runs past the girls while holding her crying face.


After the battle dies down and everything settles, Benben and her gorgeously exposed, milky-white skin, shapely desirable bikini body, slumps over the port (left) rails of the ship with her elbows on the railing and her head rested on her hands.

She sighs with longing as she looks at a passing cloud, and asks to herself "Yatsuhashi, my dear sister, where are you?"

As she turns around, the most beautiful womanly shape lands in the very center of the ship, and the first words the tsukumogami can say to this view is "please marry me."

Kokoro Hata, who has waist long lavender hair, blank lavender eyes, wears a long-sleeved blue plaid shirt with colorful buttons of various shapes, a pumpkin-shaped salmon skirt with smiles and frowns cutouts, has masks floating around her, and... apparently has no underwear, stares at the tsukumogami and tilts her head curiously.

She turns her sexy body to Benben, unaware of the drooling girl's intentions, and dons the thunder god mask of surprise as she says "oh my! I did not expect to see a new face here." She then dons the monkey mask of confusion and asks "is this the ship where mom-I mean, Byakuren is?"

Benben breathes hard, as if being pumped full of air only for her to expel it all out, her eyes take a heart shape, and flushes as she says "you have got to be the most beautiful creature I have ever laid eyes on! Would you be mine forever?"

Again that monkey mask appears as Kokoro hops away from the girl, then she draws her lance, her fox mask of determination takes over, and she exclaims her anger without showing emotions on her face "you take a single step closer, and I am splitting you in half, you pervert!"

The tsukumogami looks to her prize with a hurt expression, then twirls in place and gestures her hands toward herself with a welcoming smile as she asks "does my appearance not please your eyes?"

"You look pleasing to my eyes," admits the menreiki before raising her lance, then says "that doesn't mean I'm going to let you have your lewd ways with me. Now back off!"

Benben drops on her knees and crawls a little closer, then looks up and says "it's okay if you want to be dominant. I'll be your submissive wife forever!"

Kokoro's mask of anger appears as her face turns red, and steam furiously flares out of her nose and ears. "It appears you won't listen to me. Fine, I shall cut your head off to make it easier for you to think."

She raises her lance, but her target doesn't move at all; which is good for the menreiki, who swings without hesitation and aims to decapitate the tsukumogami hotness before her.

Her lance is stopped halfway, and when she takes a good look, the menreiki's mask of surprise appears, and she nervously exclaims "Byakuren! I am sorry! I did not see you there!"

Byakuren, who has a large white cloth on her shoulder that covers half of her body and something large underneath, scowls in disapproval as she says "Kokoro! How many times have I told you; you do not kill others! It is a crime against nature!"

Kokoro bows and quickly says "but mom, that woman said very lewd things to me. She says she wanted me to be hers forever. Then she said that I could be the dominant one after offering her body to me."

The Youkhrist keeps scowling in disapproval as she says "that is no excuse. You may punch her lights out, kick her while she's down, but do not kill, you understand?"

Upon seeing the mask of sadness on the poor slumping menreiki, Byakuren's face softens, and she rubs Kokoro's head to comfort her. Once she has the lavender haired girl's attention, she smiles and says "it's okay Kokoro-chan. You are learning, and that is what's important."

The menreiki soon dons her mask of joy as she gets soft rubs on her head from Byakuren, then points at the white sheets and asks "say, what is that?"

"Oh. That's just my new baby girl, Chiyuri." She pulls the sheet enough to show the grown girl there, then giddily says "she's lactating now. She's such a hungry child."

Kokoro's mask of confusion appears as she hops back, but before she can ask about the grownup girl lactating so peacefully, she yelps, hops forward, and dons her surprise mask"

She rubs her butt while looking toward Benben, who obviously just pinched her and is rubbing her fingers together, but said tsukumogami is smart, and she points left toward a redhead girl with a blue bow and red eyes, wearing a large red and blue capelet that covers half of her face, a black and red, long sleeved shirt, dark red skirt, and red black boots.

Sekibanki looks around with confusion and ask "where the heck am I?" She then notices Kokoro wearing her dragon mask and heading toward her, then the dullahan runs and shouts "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!?"

Byakuren sighs, Chiyuri lactates noisily, Benben giggles happily, then the monk mutters "I should have offered her a lollypop."

Meanwhile, somewhere hidden in Gensokyo, a loud explosion rattles the houses in the vicinity, and the Yatsuhashi stretcher finds herself inside a house that she just made a huge hole to when she landed.

She's burned, she hurt, and she's lost as heck, but that doesn't excuse her from exploding so bad, she's burned the inside of the house, along with Chen and Ran; the latter giving her the dirtiest look ever.

The tsukumogami is going to hop away, but then; "I AM NOT FAAAAAAAT!" Yumemi comes running out of the rooms, crying and covering her face, and kicks Yatsuhashi straight at Ran's face.

While poor Yatsuhashi screams for help, back on the Palanquin, Mamizou sips on her tea with glistening eyes of dark victory present on her face.


And so, after having found the rare magical Gem of Endless Elements, and losing it in a strip poker game, Marisa and Patchouli walk away from the Palace of the Dragons-Land Division.

The blonde witch doesn't seem so bothered, but the purple bean sprout with the jiggly chest glares dirtily at everything in their paths.

"Aww, come on Patchy, don't be so sore. Easy come, easy go; it's just one of life's inevitabilities, ze."

The librarian sighs and holds the right side of her face, then coldly says "that stone possessed the answer to all my magic related questions, and you went and lost it in a lewd gamble. You are lucky I don't curse your neck to snap on a blow of the wind."

Marisa grins quite happily and says "well it wasn't a complete loss. We still got away with this cute instrument." She looks back as she pulls on the red leash she holds on her right hand, and asks "isn't that right, Yatsuhashi?"

The poor tsukumogami has a few bruises from Ran's rage on her blushing face, and Marisa has her walking on her hands and knees while treating her like a dog; she is having a REALLY bad day. The poor girl sighs and asks "is it really necessary for me to be walking around like this? It is very embarrassing."

The ordinary blonde chuckles with a toothy grin and says "nah, you can stand, but remember what happened the last time you tried that."

"I don't care!" defiantly barks Yatsuhashi, standing up and ripping her stiff clothes off, revealing a tight and shiny, dark blue turtleneck swimsuit underneath. "I am sick of this shit! Today has been a VERY horrible day for me, and I REFUSE to succumb to any more crap!"

Patchouli has a nosebleed as she glances discretely at Marisa's consolation prize, and has to admit "I must admit, for a mere consolation prize, she is a very welcoming asset. And has such nice assets too."

The tsukumogami covers her tiny breasts and groin and shouts "WHERE ARE YOU EVEN LOOKING!?" to which the magician casually ignores while saying "I think I know what I am getting Koakuma this summer."

"Don't ignore me, you bitch!" barks the prize, who gets a tug from the collar, putting her attention to Marisa, who says "you are way too tense, girl. We need to loosen you up."

The blonde witch whistles a nice and elaborate tune, and then the three girls wait.

...

Absolutely nothing happens.

Yatsuhashi sighs, pats Marisa's head twice, then says "that was a good impression of the horse-calling song from that game, girl."

Patchouli grins toothily, grabs the very center of her own head, then pulls down to reveal a translucent purple tentacle monster that gurgles happily when the tsukumogami yelps and jumps away from it.

The ordinary magician smiles, pats the slimy monster on a tentacle, then says "there you are! What a good boy, pretending to be Patchouli so I wouldn't be lonely, ze." She then points at her prize and says "that girl needs your services. Make sure she gets the full treatment."

"What treatment!? What are you talking about!? MARISA!"

Her answer comes when the tentacle monster wraps tendrils around her ankles and wrists, and pulls her into itself, and no matter how much Yatsuhashi kicks and screams... she realizes it's gonna happen anyways.

The real Patchouli, who looks flushed and winded, quietly flies behind the blonde, strikes her out with a book on the back of the head, then casually grabs her by the hair and pulls her, dragging her forward while the happy tentacle monster and its screaming victim follow after them.

Meanwhile, at the bowels of the ghostly ship, Eirin glares forward as she says "you're way in over your head, little one. Turn back now before it's too late."

Youmu glares back at the Lunarian, and defiantly replies "oh, it's already too late. The pawns are in place, and the path back is blocked."

The gorgeous pharmacist glares back, looks down for a second, as if studying her opponent's position, then hisses "fine; but don't cry when you get hurt."

The gardener measures her opponent with her eyes, then hisses back "I was about to say the same."

Yuyuko cheerfully squeals in between the two in front of a small crowd of girls, then says "AAAAAALRIGHT THEN~! Let the race... BEGIN!"

Youmu lifts a black gun without a barrel and aims it at the pharmacist, and Eirin does the same, aiming it at her opponent, then they both push the trigger at the same time, and their toy cars in their elaborate plastic track speed off!

As soon as the first turn comes, a heart-pumping Eurobeat song begins to play in the background, and the sexy ghost princess cheers "and Youmu takes the lead. Way to take the inside of that curve!"

Eirin grins as she manages to catch a boost and takes a pretty unfair lead. Yuyuko moans sadly while the Mysterious Reisen suddenly cheers "oh, but Master Eirin takes the lead after taking that super boost! Don't EVER count her out!"

"Seriously, who IS that girl?" asks Kaguya to Lunasa, whom shrugs and says "I don't know, but she's really sexy."

Youmu tenses up. She can catch up to Eirin on the slope if she gains enough momentum, and so she pushes that trigger tighter, wondering if the extra speed will help her, or send her little car flying off the track.

Eirin gasps when the gardener's gamble pays off, and now she finds her little car behind by 4 whole seconds, but she's not out of the game yet.

When she's clear of the rising slope, she repeatedly pulls the trigger tightly, then releases it, giving her little car a boost of speed without risking getting flung off, however, she's losing control and has to desist. Still, her gamble pays off, and now she's bumper to bumper with Youmu's again.

Eventually, the girls even out when the last curve comes, and now they are battling it out in the home stretch!

It looks like it's going to be a very close finish as neither one wants to give in to the other.

They are very close to the finish line, when a silver spoon breaks through the ship's many layer and lands right in the center of the room.

Youmu and Eirin immediately screech and jump away, and when the other girls see the shining utensil, they all scramble and scream as if a hole to hell is opening before them, and lewd tentacles are popping out of it to have their way with them. But that's ridiculous; of course it's not.

The girls all clear the room, and then, the ship breaks in half from the weight of the tiny spoon.

The back half of the ship quickly falls down, crashing on the S.S. Glass Leotard, while the front slices through the Scarlet Demon Ark.

The Ark and its screaming girls veer left, and turn over just as it drops on the S.S. In Your Face Murasa, while the S.S. Glass Leotard explodes and on of its shards goes off and breaks a massive hole on the Palanquin.

The Palanquin creaks, the girls scream in horror, and now all ships, the screaming girls, and pieces of chocolate (we hope that's chocolate) rain down to the ground.

Underneath the mess, the recovered Marisa with a giant bump on the head chuckles after the tentacle monster presents her with the relaxed, wet, sweaty, flushed, hyperventilating mess that is Yatsuhashi, while Patchouli is already flying away from the mess that's about to fall on them.

When the witch notices the sun gets blocked and looks up, shouts "oh shit, it's the end of the chapter, ze! RUUUUUNNN!"

The monster drops its pleasurably subdued victim, and it and Marisa run for their lives.

Yatsuhashi takes some time to wake up from her pleasure stupor, only to get drowned with adrenaline and fear, and in a second she's back on her feet and running away from the ships.

A man-sized tsunami comes her way, and pushes her back to the center of the crashing site while she screams "NO! NO PLEASE! WWHHYYYYYYYY!?"

All ships crash as soon as she's in the very middle of the crash site, and the amazing explosion that happens shortly after illuminates the sky, the sea, the air, and even underground.


And so, with their ships completely destroyed once again, the girls groan, moan and lament as they begin to rise from the seemingly endless debris, looking like zombies rising from the grave.

Renko groans as she stands up, wobbly walks forward, but when she feels one of the boards under her sink with her weight, she stops and hops in place repeatedly, not caring that the board grunts, screams and yelps every time she lands.

Like a zombie, the human girl moans as she leaves, and Yatsuhashi rises from the board that was so viciously stomped on; bruised, tired, coughing out smoke, and with her brand new swimsuit torn in several places; particularly that sexy midriff.

She looks around in a drowsy state, furrows her brows as she prepare to curse, then Renko on a board falls from the sky and repeatedly hops and stomps on Yatsuhashi again until there is a satisfying crunch.

With her deed done, the human, once again, moans as she trails away like a zombie.

Poor tsukumogami whimpers as she tries to raise her head, then a multitude of women come and walk on top of her board, all hopping on it before going on their merry pained way.

The last one, Yumemi, grabs Meiling by her waist, and viciously suplexes her on top of the board for no reason, and then runs away while crying with her hands on her face "I AM NOT FAAAAAAT!"

After Meiling moans like a zombie while rising and then limping away, Yatsuhashi sniffles as she rises up one more time, and once she sits, she growls and shouts "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH EVERYOOOOONNNNNEEEEE!?"

A rope flops in front of her, and she furiously pulls on it to pull herself up, but said rope snaps, and a washtub falls right on her head, making a very loud clank upon impact that forces her to bend her back then spring back straightened.

The girl is in a wobbly daze, but with a shake of her head Yatsuhashi recovers herself, takes in a deep breath, her face turns furious red, and then she lets out a cry that echoes all over, and causes the debris to vibrate.

Yatsuhashi bawls "WHYYYYYYY!? What did I-hic-do!? Why do-hic-does everything... HATE MEEEEEEEEWWWAAAHHH! BENBEN! BENBEEEEENNNNN!"

Benben, who is next to Agava the shadow youkai, and thus is completely unharmed, raises her head in alert, then runs around calling "Yatsu-nee? Yatsuhashi! Yatsuhashiii, where are you!?"

She runs until her knee hits the bawling tsukumogami on the head, and upon looking down, she immediately drops on her knees and gives her sister a hug and a kiss.

"Yatsuhashi! Muah! I've been looking all over for you. Aww, there, there, it's okay, Benben is here now!"

The brown haired tsukumogami cries out, trying to speak to her sister, but the blunt strike from that knee dumbed her down a bit and she can't make words; thankfully her sister's purrs, coos and head rubs slowly calm her down.

"Benben-hic-! I looked everywhere-hic-for you, but-hic-but everyone was mean to me, and they hit me and they used me, and an Evil Overlord shot at me... and..." and Yatsuhashi starts sobbing and crying again.

Benben rubs her sister's back, and after more coos and shushes, she says "I'm here now, I'm here. Don't worry, nothing bad will happen to you now."

"HEAD'S UP!" calls Nazrin from a distance, and a loose board falls on Yatsuhashi's head, while the lilac haired tsukumogami continues hugging her and saying "I will take good care of you now, so don't you worry. Dry those tears and let me take care of the rest."

The moaning, injured tsukumogami appears to be in higher spirits, however we all know it's the blunt trauma she just got from the board. She manages to recover, hugs her sister for comfort, then a soccer ball strikes her on the head, knocking her out completely.

"SOOOOORYYYYY!" calls little Flandre from a distance, but is ignored.

Benben feels her sister drop on her back, and says "aaawww, my poor sister is all tuckered out. Well, don't worry..." She stands up with Yatsuhashi in her arms, and turns around just in time for said girl's head to intercept a volley ball.

"Ah, my bad!" calls Marisa from the distance, though is completely ignored.

"Your sister Benben will not let go of you, no ma'am." Not noticing the witch, the lovely tsukumogami then adjusts her sister so as to more easily carry her like a princess, blocking a foot ball with her sister's head, and continues "now let's get you home; I'll prepare you a nice hot bath, you can change from these tattered clothes, and I'll make you a nice meal, what do you say?"

"OH MY GOSH, I AM SO SORRY!" calls Maribel from a distance while the sexy Tsukumo sister begins her march home.

"Oops, here comes some trees," softly announced Benben, who doesn't adjust her course and strikes her sister on the head with the trunk of said trees.

"Hey!"

She then turns around to see who is calling, striking her sister on the head with those tree trunks again, and smiles as Yuyuko reaches them and says "wait, where are you going? It's mandatory to go celebrate at the Mystia's Unnamed Night Restaurant after the ships crash and burn."

Benben bows courtly to the undead princess, striking her sister's head on a rock next to the trunks, then straightens up and says "I am sorry, but my poor sister has had a very rough day. She really needs me to take care of her."

"Oh" sweetly coos Yuyuko. "That's alright. Youmu can help you with that, and then we'll be on our way to the restaurant in no time."

The curvy tsukumogami turns around again to continue her march, striking Yatsuhashi's head with various more trunks that mysteriously appear on the road while saying "oh, that sounds marvelous. I am sure sister will appreciate the help."

Youmu approaches the girls and asks "I wouldn't mind, but are you sure about this? She seems to need her privacy right about now."

"Yes," says Benben with a nod. "I would greatly appreciate the help, Youmu-san. Mind you, our home is a bit small."

"That's not a problem," responds the gardener with pride as the limp tsukumogami gets hit by a basketball on the stomach, making a "boof" that goes ignored. "You tend to your sister while I deal with the bath and her clothes. They look REALLY bad."

"SORRY ABOUT THAT!" calls Cirno, but is coldly ignored.

Benben chuckles "I know, right!" She then swings her sister softly, striking a passing man on the stomach with Yatsuhashi's head, and says "but that's okay, my sister is strong. I mean, if it wasn't for her, I would be a bit of a mess myself."

Yuyuko grabs Youmu and Benben by wrapping an arm around their necks and pulls them in for a friendly group hug, and says "alright then girls, let hurry up and finish this so we can go eat at the restaurant."

The girls cheer happily, and as the scene pulls back to the afternoon sky, Yatsuhashi's head makes a soft conk with their house's door.


And so, after defeating the evil Overlord, Shmithumkluh, the girls head to Mystia's Unnamed Night Restaurant... at night. How convenient.

Inside, it is as lively as ever, with Yuyuko eating 12 servings of each order on the menu, Yukari pulling Reimu's hair from a gap, dominoes rolling on Minamitsu's hat, Chiyuri being nurtured by mama Byakuren's breast milk, and pretty much the mess you'd expect from a bunch of manly girls that come from sailing flying ships.

Yatsuhashi takes an annoyed gulp of beer from her mug, then looks toward Benben with a flat glare and asks "Can I at LEAST take this ridiculous thing off?"

The milky-skinned tsukumogami smiles back after taking a delicate sip from her beer cup and replies "But sis, your skull is still mysteriously cracked. You have to keep it on for protection."

Yatsuhashi is wearing a thick set of bandages of her head, which makes her look like she's wearing a ridiculous mummy helmet, and she is not happy about it.

"Then why the heck did you bring me here?" questions the angry girl. "And you KNOW damned well these aren't "mysterious" injuries; you kept hitting my head on the doorway, then broke the door frame with MY HEAD!" She then gulps the last of her beer and huffs furiously.

Benben sweats coldly as she says "come now sis, that doctor clearly said your head was cracked by something harder than the door. Now stop complaining and enjoy the party. Remember that enjoying yourself is the quickest path to healing any injury."

The brown haired girl sighs, rests her cheek on her hand as her mug is refilled, then takes more ladylike gulps as she calms down. "Fine, but I'm still mad at you."

When the Tsukumo sisters look up at their waitress, they both jump back in shock and fright. "What the heck happened to you!?" exclaims Yatsuhashi.

Mystia looks very annoyed at them as she has caught fire. She coldly says to them "Please don't say it."

"Are you the girl on fire?" asks Benben.

The night sparrow growls furiously "I TOLD you not to say it!" She then sighs and sadly adds "the thing is, after some hungry competitions, I was made to wear a flaming wedding dress, then people started calling me the Sparrow on Fire, and I got pissed, and then they started calling me a Mocking Bird, and after destroying an overlord's palace... well... here I am now."

The Tsukumo sisters glance at each other, look back at the flaming bird, then Benben comments "that still doesn't explain why you're on fire."

Mystia gazes flatly at the two, then toward nowhere in particular (me), and says "because all these lame puns and pointless references needed the useless flaming visual, when it is actually all just words."

Again, the tsukumogami youkai glance at each other, then Yatsuhashi cautiously says "Well, that... is, um... highly instructional, so me and my sister are just gonna pay our tab, and-"

Mystia's fire suddenly activates the fire alarm; "Oh here we go," angrily complains the sparrow; and the water that suddenly showers from above makes the women in the bar scream and scramble.

The man-sized tsunami surfs through tables totally naked, Yukari shoots danmaku in a drunken stupor and blasts one of the large beer barrels behind the counter, the beer goes into the mugs, the mugs catch fire, and now purple flames run around the bar drunken and freezing everything and EVERYONE they touch; including Cirno.

The chaotic winter caused by the purple flames kill out the fire that was consuming everything, and in the end, those purple flames vomit, then fizzle into nothing, leaving behind an ice skating obstacle rink.

Benben and Yatsuhashi stand where they stood when the mess began, and both look around, amazed and confused.

Mystia, who is encased in an icicle, glares flatly all around herself, then darkly says "I really hate this writer."

I hokey puck strikes Yatsuhashi on the head, knocking her down and out, and then Letty shouts "SORRY!"


Will it ever end?

Characters, Spell Cards and Scenarios belong to ZUN -Team Shanghai Alice-

Extra locations out of the machinations of my imagination are... created by me, Willie.

Credits for the many references where they are due. Seriously. And yes, that battle with the Giant Metal Chicken was a total rip-off from Family Guy.

Agava was created by Willie G.R.

May 20 2016

Written by

Willie G.R.


Yukari: You made a pretty short randomchapter. Your randomness has weakened!

Me: I know, I know. But I can't feel happy; therefore I cannot be properly random.

Yukari: What would it take for you to be happy?

Me: I no longer have a clue, Yukari-chan.

Yukari: Aww, how cute. You called me "chan". Do you really think I'm cute?

Me: Yup.

Yukari: Hmph. That didn't sound convincing at all.

Me: Sorry... but I do think you're cute.

Satori: You think almost every one of us is cute; especially those girls from the Scarlet Mansion.

Me: Yup.

Yukari: Could you come up with a better answer than just "yup", Willie?

Me: Certainly.

...

Satori: At least it wasn't "yup" again.

*Yukari nods sagely*