Ch 11
"Whiskey… and bring the bottle" John called out to Mac as he stood at the bar... at their place, going over everything in his head, them being together again... making love and then... then the topic of what Natalie wanted came up... things she wants and he knew what she wanted, had always wanted probably since a little girl taking care of her brother...
Mac placed the full shot glass in front of John but no bottle" I asked for the bottle" John said knowing he needed more, much more than one drink tonight... maybe much more than one bottle even... to forget the look... in her eyes... her voice... the hurt yet again he bestowed on her as he just couldn't do it... couldn't say it... ask her... and why?
John shook his head...'Why? Why can't I ask her? Why... cause I damn want those things too... in life... and with her... why am I so afraid?'
"Johnny... let me take you home?" Mac said as he closed up the bar and he saw John stagger towards the front door near him.
"Nope... Me gonna walk... I need... the air" he told him after glancing only once back towards the bar where the empty bottle of whiskey sat... after glancing an staring for a few moments at the pool table... the one he bought her after the Vegas sting... he shook his head almost violently and almost knocked himself to the ground. Mac leaned his arms out to help catch him so he didn't fall. John looked at the man... a good friend to both he and she.
"Why Mac?" he asked and Mac knew John's more than usual somber had to do with Natalie but... he was confused as to what John was asking.
"Why can't I just ask her? To spend her life with me...I love her... why?" he asked again and Mac looked at him... wondering if he should really answer him and so honestly... and if John would even remember it in the morning.
"You obviously don't want to" John looked at him in his stupor state. "What does that mean?"
"You love her... you know what she wants in life... you know how she feels, and ... well John...who could blame her for not sticking around if you so obviously don't want ... or love her enough to give her the things she wants... needs in life... if... you can't do it... and for her... you obviously don't want it... or her... or love her enough"
John stood dumbfounded by Mac's words... sobering by each and every harsh reality of them he looked at him... and then closed his eyes...
"But... Sometimes Love isn't enough" he said softly, defeated and opened his eyes to see Mac shaking his head.
"Love is always enough" Mac told him and walked him out the door of the bar.
Natalie tossed and turned... it was almost 4 am and she hadn't gotten any sleep tonight... she kicked him out a few hours ago and she had cried... although wanting to toughen it out, she cried for hours now... but now... now she was numb... her body, her soul... her spirit even... how could she have been so stupid... and again... to think... maybe... may be he had realized it.
'"You really are stupid Natalie... aren't you? He's never going to be that, those things to you... give those things to you... share with you... he did once... with Caitlin but... he just... doesn't love you that way... he just doesn't want you that way...he'll never...its time" she told herself out loud as she finally stopped trying to sleep... she walked into the bathroom, looked at herself in the mirror.
"It's time Natalie... it is... time to find your way... what you deserve and go after it"
"awwwwwwww" John rolled over in bed and his head... it was killing him... it hurt so bad... he looked at the clock and it read 7 am, he moved his body slowly out of the bed and towards the bathroom... grabbing some aspirin he looked at himself in the mirror... Mac's words from five hours ago ringing thru his head.
"It's obvious you don't want too... its obvious you don't love her like you think" he said the words out loud and then closed his eyes. Was Mac right? Was this what was holding him back? Not loving her enough... cause... although Natalie kept insisting... Love wasn't enough... wasn't that a lie? That love had to be enough... it had to overcome everything... but... why? Couldn't he...this be overcome... why if he loved her so damn much... why couldn't he give her what she wanted? Why couldn't he take the images of them, together with a family... and make them real... reality.
John shook his head. Why couldn't he do it for her... himself.
"Why the Hell can't I just ask her????" he yelled at himself some as he got more and more agitated with the notion that he lost her this time... and again... cause of his own screwed up emotional issues... his own inability... to move there love to a different place... a different level.
John ran to her cottage... feeling desperation... feeling as if he couldn't breathe... not sure what he was going to say... or do when he got to her door but... all he knew was, he needed to see her... to talk to her... he couldn't, they couldn't leave things how they did. He rang the door bell a few times... no answer... he banged on the door... a few times... no answer...
"Natalie!!!" he shouted almost frantic that she wasn't answering the door to him on purpose.
"I need to talk to you... we need to talk" he said and he finally after a few minutes he heard her voice.
Natalie heard him the minute his car had pulled up in the driveway, she was on her way over to her grandfather's house... to ask him for a job... she had thought long and hard about things... about a future for herself and if... if she couldn't have a life with the man she loved, a family... she would do something she could be proud of... something she could devote all her time too and something she knew she'd be good at.
Finally not being able to take it she grabbed her purse and light jacket by the front door, opened it to see his frantic eyes staring at hers.
"I didn't think you'd open it," he told her and she shook her head. " I wasn't going to but... I'm late" she told him and tried to walk passed him when he put himself so she couldn't.
"We need to talk... we... can't ju—"
"John... we don't have anything else left to say... we can leave things this way... and we will... excuse me... I h—" Natalie's words were cut off by Johns phone ringing in his pocket, she closed her eyes... knowing he'd take the phone call... knowing he'd go running and make anything but her , their broken relationship main priority.
Natalie just shook her head, as he stood frozen for a moment... almost confused as to what came first... Natalie let out a small snide smile again as she shook her head.
"See ya around John" she told him as he still stood frozen and she walked away... as she walked on... moved on.
John couldn't break the paralyzed state he felt he was in... His phone continued to ring and he watched... as she... she walked away again... moved past him and on with her life...moved on with her life... leaving him there... alone.
To be continued...
