Second year, Remus pov

It had been a long week I thought to myself as I itched my head and yawned. I forced myself to stay in the library a little later to avoid talking to the boys who knew something was up. Although I was sure they'd be waiting up for me but at least I'd be half asleep. The transformation always took it out of me, but three days later I still wasn't myself. So I did what I always did, pushed everyone away and ate chocolate.

"Hey" said Lily, who casually slipped in to the seat next to me, "fancy a walk?"

"Where we going to go? The Forbidden forest?" I asked, my tone making it clear I did not want to go.

"Or maybe just back to the common room together?" Lily shrugged, she looked awkward for some reason.

"You'd have more fun alone" I say with a bitter tone. Ignoring the fact Lily would usually want to curse you if you offered to walk her somewhere.

"But I've been wanting to talk to you and Madame Prince looks like she'll kill you if you keep eating" Lily said, glancing over the desk at my not so discreet hiding.

"Fine" I agreed, slowly pushing my books in to my bag. "Why are we going this way?"

"I wanted to talk to you that's all"

"Alright but I'm blaming you if we get caught after lights out" I answered, acting like it would be the first time.

"Deal" Lily nodded, not reacting to me irritability. "Remus I can tell you're not well so I'm just going to cut straight to the point" she said. I couldn't exactly explain how she was walking as she bounced on her feet but kept my slow speed. "My Dad's ill. He has been for years but he's getting worse and I can't go months without seeing him"

"Lily I'm sorry" I answered, I felt like I should put a hand on her arm or something but that wasn't a normal reaction for me. I was glad she was looking ahead and didn't see my awkward movement towards her.

"Well, don't be sorry, help me" she answered as if it was straight forward. Her hair was jumping as she continued to walk determinedly as if she had to get it out now.

"Help you?" I asked, my mind still felt like it was working slower than usual.

"Well you go home to help out with your Mum every month. I mean I was going to ask you a few days ago and you were home with your Mum, so like well how did you sort that out?" her voice was weird, she was talking even faster than normal.

"Visiting home?" I said, my mouth felt dry.

"Yes."

"It was arranged before I even came to school but I think we should go to Mcgonagll right now" I said trying to be supportive.

"Really?" she asked, Lily looked…I couldn't describe it as anything but venerable. Lily's big green eyes made it look like she hadn't told anyone about her Dad before. Maybe she hadn't. Merlin that made me feel even guiltier as a hand reached awkwardly for her shoulder.

"Mcgonagll would help you out," I said smiling at her, "it helps that she likes you"

"Sure" she grinned, I faked a smile back. I was glad I could be part of her motivation to do something about it but the guilt was stronger. "So do you have any advice?" she asked weakly.

"Like I said it had nothing to do with me," I sighed, "just tell her the truth"

"Want…want to talk more about it?" I offered. She shook her head quickly, I respected her response. Responsibility feeling like a constant pressure in the stomach the whole time. It felt stupid that I felt too weak to keep up with her but I wasn't sure what I could do.

"So?" I asked, Lily came out of the office maybe fifteen minutes later. Even though Lily wasn't smiling I could see it in her that she was thrilled. Her eyes made her easy to read, most of the time.

"We're going to talk more about me going home one weekend a month" she broke in to a smile.

"That's great Lily" I grinned back at her, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder. I had to force the gesture but it felt like the right thing to do.

"Mcgongall seems confident but she needs to talk to Dumbledore and organise my travel and stuff" she said, her arms crossed over her chest.

"Do they have a fire place?"

"Yes, Mcgonagll mentioned that with their consent we could," Lily shrugged, "but why hadn't anyone told me about floo?"

"I doubt your parents will say no to you coming home," I laughed unable to stay irritable towards her. "How about one day I'll make a huge list of things I'll think you want to know?"

"Yes about time you offered," Lily looked up at me, eyebrows knitted together as if she really was annoyed.

"I'm glad you're feeling…better" I paused, I'm sure she couldn't be feeling better but unable to think of a better word.

"Yeah, it's nice to know I won't…" Lily gulped down hard, "Dad just looks so much different each time I see him"

"I'm sorry Lily" I said again, I was more than sorry than she knew. I felt like the lie about my Mum was the only reason I was being told this…confession. I knew she meant deep down that each time she saw her Dad he looked worse and she was saying it like I could relate. Never had I felt worse for lying about this.

"It's fine" she said, sniffing.

"It's not fair"

"I even asked Mcgonagll if any magic could help but she said no" she sighed.

"I know; you'd think magic would solve everything" I agreed. It was easier to say things that I meant rather than trying to say we were going through the same thing.

"Maybe I should learn how to create a potion to save everyone" she mulled passively.

"Someone's feeling cocky"

"So?" she said, holding her robes closed.

"I mean maybe you should try finishing second year before you go curing the world"

"But what about all those people who need curing before I finish second year?"

"I think you could get a better potion made if you at least have studied it for two years"

"Yeah, I mean what's the point in all seven? I mean why don't I just quit after this year?"

"I don't see any problem with that"

"Have you been playing quidditch?" she asked after a few quiet minuets where she seemed happier not to talk.

"Quidditch? I don't play" I asked confused.

"Me either," she replied, "Your limping a bit"

"It's fine" I answered, not really surprised Lily was checking on me.

"You always come back from home looking ill" Lily said, watching me.

"Thanks" I said rolling my eyes at her.

"Sorry! I was just thinking about how it must be stressful"

"It'll be worth it" I said seriously.

"I hope so" she giggled to herself.

"What are you laughing at?" I asked, smiling just to hear her laugh after how upset she clearly was.

"Well, since your Mum's a muggle you may have heard of some folk tales so you might get it"

"Get what?" I said doubtfully, looking at her as she stayed by my side.

"You going home every month and coming back looking ill. If I didn't know any better I'd say you were a werewolf" she laughed short and harsh, I froze. It felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. "It's so silly but they change monthly and you go back every month"

I was stood behind her, frozen, I thought I was going to be sick. I watched her hair bouncing as she carried on, the idea was no less than hilarious to her. My stomach was churning; I didn't know what to do.

"You don't know what I'm talking about do you?" she said looking back at me finally.

"No, I've heard of them" I forced a laugh that burned my throat.

"Leg okay?" she asked walking back.

"Yup, just want to get back to bed"

"Well stopping doesn't help" she smiled. I watched Lily her eyes were still red and I tried not to take what she said so naively personally. Merlin even if she knew they were real why would she think I was one? The shouldn't let a monster like me in to school.

"Yeah, sorry just uh well uh shooting pains" but they were in my stomach rather than my leg.

"Don't go blaming me when you can't get back" Lily smiled.

"Yeah"

"No one ever gets my jokes" she grumbled, but still walked slower with me. Unwilling to explain they were real I just kept walking maybe forcing the limp a little more. What harm was that it distracted from my dry mouth and stomach pains. Tonight was meant to be a feeling sorry for myself night not looking after Lily. But now I felt like the worst person in the world.

"Want me to get you something?" she offered when we got there.

"No, no" I said dryly, "night Lils"

I walked upstairs, hearing her laugh at me calling her Lils as I headed to the bathroom. The guilt messaged with my stomach so badly I threw up. Part of me longed to tell her the truth. While the other knew Lily knew enough werewolf prejudice not to be ready to accept me. I clutched my stomach cursing myself.

Here I was using a lie that she was going through to hide the monster within. I deserved her to make that joke. I deserved her to hate me. It was all I could think about that night.