Cops Beach City
Warning: I have given up attempting to write canon. If people seem OOC that is done for comedic effect. I am also a Stevidot fan if you haven't guessed from my previous work
Disclaimer: I do not own Steven Universe that pleasure belongs to Rebecca Sugar. Nor do I own any gameshow, reality TV program or any other TV show that might be mentioned.
Schmitt: (To the camera) I am officer Schmitt a recent arrival to Beach City. My partner officer Doug Maheswaran has been serving here for a couple of years. Beach City is a small tourist town with strange happenings going all the time.
Maheswaran: We are officially a dry town. After several bizarre sightings it was agreed that no alcohol would be served so most of our action happens during the day. It is early morning and we have our first call.
The two cops enter a small beach house. Sitting on the couch is a very wet, very upset Peridot wearing a bathrobe. Steven is holding her hand.
Schmitt: We're in response to a sighted peeper.
Peridot: I was horrible officer. I was having a shower when I saw out the window this huge white face staring at me. To make matters worse I think he had a camera
Steven: You should have heard her scream. Well I got in as fast as I could and I saw Ronaldo Fryman.
Maheswaran: Mmm hmmm take us to the bathroom.
Peridot and Steven holding hands point to a small window in the bathroom.
Peridot: That's where I saw him looking straight at me. I uh ran and told Steven about it.
Maheswaran: Miss this window is over 30 feet above the ground. Are telling me somebody just happened to look right in?
Steven: No Ronaldo did not happen to look right in. Ever since Peridot came to Beach City he's been watching us, I mean her. I wouldn't be surprised if he climbed up on the roof.
Peridot: I thought that I would have some privacy and then this happens.
Peridot starts sobbing. Steven holds Peridot comforting her.
Schmitt: Okay calm down. Let's take a look.
They move to the back of the beach house. Some shingles have been removed and the siding looks damaged. It is obvious that someone has been lurking around. Maheswaran is silent thinking something over.
Schmitt: Hey it looks like someone was back there. Hey there's a trail we should follow it.
Maheswaran: Steven why was your hair wet?
The young boy blushes and looks guilty
Steven: Because I had my shower first. Didn't I dear?
Peridot nods. Maheswaran's eyes narrows.
Maheswaran: There is no way that someone could look through your bathroom window, let alone a lardo like Ronaldo. Make a crank call like that again and I'll put you up on charges Peridot.
Steven: Aren't you at least going to follow the trail?
Maheswaran: (Shouting) There is no way Ronaldo could be up here. End of discussion.
The two cops leave the bewildered kids outside their home. As they walk into their car Schmitt turns to Maheswaran.
Schmitt: Look I think we should follow that trail. We can't just leave a stalker running about.
Maheswaran: That boy was my daughter's boyfriend. I can't believe that he would cheat on her like that.
A couple of hours later the officers receive another call. There's been a disturbance on the boardwalk. When they get there the see people running and screaming. On the boardwalk is a huge starfish shaped thing shooting out drill shaped projectiles. A young brown skinned girl with a sword is chasing it. As she swings her sword she does more damage than the corrupted gem ever could. Schmitt runs up to the girl.
Schmitt: Ma'am just put the sword down. Let the whatever it is go.
Connie: You don't understand that thing's a monster. It has to be stopped.
Schmitt: And it will just let the professionals handle it. Isn't that right.
Two animal control officers peer out from behind a tree nodding. Connie tries to run after the gem monster as it races towards the sea shore. Schmitt blocks her.
Connie: You don't understand that thing is a monster and it's getting away.
Maheswaran: Young lady put that sword down. That is not a thing to be carrying around.
Connie: But the Crystal gems are out of town Dad. They're counting on me to protect Beach City.
Schmitt: Protect Beach City? You just did more damage than that starfish thing did.
The animal control officers pack up and head back to the van.
Connie: What are you doing that thing is loose?
Animal Control Officer #1: Connie that thing wouldn't even be near the boardwalk if you hadn't chased it.
Animal Control Officer #2: Yeah and then you took chunks out of the boardwalk. Where are the gems? Shouldn't they be doing this?
Maheswaran: Young lady take that sword and go home. We'll talk this over with your mother after work.
Connie grumbles and walks away dragging the sword. Let behind are buildings and kiosks with sword cuts and smoking holes blasted into them.
Schmitt: You're letting her just walk away? Unpunished.
Maheswaran: Oh that girl will be punished. When her Mom comes home she's going to be grounded for life.
Schmitt: Hey I just received a call a case of indecent exposure on the beach.
A few minutes later the two officers walk onto the beach a crowd has gathered and is taking pictures. The source of the trouble is a lime green girl Peridot. She is blushing blue while hiding behind Steven who is wearing a pair of swimming trunks.
Steven: Sorry about that officer I was just taking Peridot out to the beach.
Schmitt: Naked?
As they come closer they can see the girl is wearing a lime green bikini.
Steven: No not naked I just bought this lime green bikini. I thought the color would go well with her skin tone.
Maheswaran: A little too well. You've gone too far Peridot. Get out of here and cover yourself up before I arrest you.
Steven: Stop being so mean to my girlfriend er teammate. I chose and bought the bikini.
Steven then takes out a pink shirt and hands it over to Peridot.
Steven: Come Peridot lets go to the boardwalk. I'll show you how to have some real fun.
A few minutes later the cops received a call. They come to a small house in town. Waiting for them is a redheaded teenager.
Lars: Thank you for coming so quickly. I was just surfing the net before work. When I came across the Keep Beach City Weird site.
Schmitt: Are you a fan?
Lars: No, I just look at it when I need a laugh. Well what I saw wasn't funny. It was listed under alien breeding experiments.
The boy turns his laptop to show the officers a pixeled out screen. Maheswaran gasps.
Maheswaran: I knew that boy was lying about not being in the shower. How could he do this to my daughter with that alien scum?
Schmitt: Well there's conclusive proof that Ronaldo Fryman is peeping. We need to bring him in.
Lars: He hangs out at the old lighthouse. That's where you'll probably find him.
The officers look up a hill. The lighthouse is gleaming white on the top. When they reach the top. Maheswaran knocks on the door.
Maheswaran: Police open the door.
Behind the door they can hear noises. Maheswaran just waits while Schmitt is getting impatient.
Schmitt: Oh for God's sake what are you waiting for a written invitation?
Schmitt kicks down the door. Once they enter they can see an empty desk, some climbing equipment in the corner and Ronaldo wedged in a window. All the officers could see is Ronaldo's big butt. The teenager's legs wriggle as he desperately tries to escape. Maheswaran and Schmitt strain as they try and pull Ronaldo out.
Ronaldo: You can't conceal the truth the public deserves to know.
Schmitt: About what? The private lives of two people.
Ronaldo is finally pulled out. Maheswaran puts the cuffs on him.
Ronaldo: They're not people. These are alien beings, intent on pirating our reproductive processes.
Schmitt retrieves the computer just outside the window. He scans the files
Schmitt: Maheswaran this looks bad. There are files going back 3 months he's definitely stalking Steven and Peridot.
As they drag Ronaldo out of the lighthouse the fat boy starts shouting at the top of his lungs. There is now a small crowd of people just outside the lighthouse. Lars is in front smirking.
Ronaldo: It's a quiet invasion everybody. Rock people are breeding right here. They're reproducing doesn't that scare you?
Lars: No but the thought of you reproducing does.
The crowd of people look on as Maheswaran and Schmitt shove Ronaldo into the back of the car. Lars smiles and takes a picture with his cellphone. Ronaldo sticks his head out of the car.
Ronaldo: Green children, everybody they'll be in your schools, playing with your children and then they'll take all the jobs. We have to stop them.
In the car Schmitt turns to Maheswaran.
Schmitt: That kid's a mess. What delusions he has, rock people. I don't know if we should take him to jail or the hospital.
Maheswaran: He's right about the rock people.
Schmitt makes a face and keeps driving.
An hour later the two officers receive a call about a small child in a dangerous situation. When they get there they see Onion standing on top of the water tower. He is peeing on the onlookers below.
Maheswaran: Oh there's no problem. That's just Onion.
Schmitt: You mean your perfectly fine with a five-year-old on top the water tower? What is wrong with you? And where are his parents?
Maheswaran: Oh Onion's different a free spirit. His Dad is fishing at sea and his Mom's at home.
Schmitt: I can see why this town of less than 1000 people needs more than one officer. I'm going to get that kid to safety.
Schmitt climbs up the ladder and brings the young Onion down. Once Schmitt places the boy on the ground Onion runs away and starts throwing rocks through windows. Maheswaran does nothing, Schmitt glares at him.
A half hour later there is a call at the grocery store. Onion has gotten to the store and is smashing watermelons while a clearly upset Steven looks on.
Steven: Onion Noooo! My babies.
Maheswaran: All right everybody nothing to see.
Maheswaran picks up Onion and puts him into the police car. The small child peers out evilly. Schmitt does a double take as Steven walks away with a bag of groceries, beside him is the starfish thing holding another bag.
Schmitt: Steven what are you doing with that thing?
Steven: Oh Starry here is helping me with my groceries.
Maheswaran: Are you aware that thing was terrorizing the boardwalk this morning?
Steven: It's okay I reformed her and now she's helping us.
Starry: What can I say, the boy has a way with words.
Schmitt stares bug eyed at the pair. Maheswaran looks on unimpressed.
Maheswaran: This is what I put up with every day.
Behind them the car starts. The sirens start blaring as it drives away. Onion is in the front seat with an evil grin. The boy crashes the police car into the telephone pole and the grocery store is set on fire.
Later Maheswaran and Schmitt are patrolling the boardwalk. Neither officer looks very happy.
Schmitt: I blame you for smashed police car. Now we have to walk everywhere until we get a new car.
By the arcade they hear screaming. The two officers look at each other and race in. Two girls are rolling on the ground Connie and Peridot. As Schmitt and Maheswaran pull the girls apart they are kicking and screaming.
Schmitt: Ladies, ladies please explain what's going on?
Connie: That freak is wearing my shirt.
Peridot: No I'm not I found that in Steven's closet.
Connie: Don't think I don't know about you and Steven. I read Ronaldo's blog.
Connie starts crying. Maheswaran hugs his daughter.
Maheswaran: There, there, I know how upsetting that is. To find out about Steven and Peridot having sex through a blog.
Connie:(stiffens) They've been having what?
Screaming Connie launches herself at Peridot. Outside Steven sees this and runs straight in.
Steven: What is going on?
Peridot: I don't know I was just playing video games when Connie attacked me from behind.
Connie:(Starts crying messily) Steven have could you do this to me? I thought we had something special. How could you sleep with that monster?
Maheswaran: How could you sneak around behind my daughter's back like that?
Steven: I broke up with you two months ago Connie but you just won't let go.
Connie: Because you wanted to date Peridot. She's not a real girl Steven.
Steven: She's real enough.
It takes both officers to hold Connie down as Steven takes Peridot's hand. Before Steven leaves he takes the shirt Peridot is wearing and flings it into Connie's face.
It is sunset and Schmitt is on patrol himself. He sees Steven and Peridot kissing on the beach. Schmitt clears his throat.
Schmitt: While it's great that you've found love I can't help but wondering where are your caregivers Steven.
Steven:(looking sweaty) Oh they're away on business.
An unearthly screech is heard. Schmitt's eyes widen as he sees Alexandrite and Yellow Diamond grapple just off the shoreline.
Next week on Cops Beach City
Officers Schmitt and Miller on Patrol.
Schmitt has pulled over a space pod. Sticking her head out the window is a drunk looking Amethyst.
Schmitt: Ma'am step out of the UFO I'd like to give you a breathalyzer test.
