Rose had never felt so useless in her whole life.
This morning she was sitting alone in the massive dining room of the Tyler mansion. She stared down at her plate mostly just picking at her food instead of eating since she had no appetite. Her head pounded but for once it didn't feel like much; it was nothing in comparison to the ache in her heart.
Something was wrong with the Doctor. She was sure of it now. Yet, there was absolutely nothing she could do about it. There was no way she could get to him; she couldn't reach him. She couldn't help him or comfort him through whatever trouble he was facing. Her mind and body were both detached from him leaving her unable to even know what was happening to him. She could only sense that the Doctor was in trouble. Without any more knowledge than that her mind was left to imagine all kinds of terrible dangers he could be facing.
Last night she'd had the worst nightmare she'd ever had. In fact, to call it a nightmare was to underestimate how bad the experience had been. She knew that it hadn't just been a nightmare; this had been something else. She'd experienced dreams that weren't dreams and she had enough experience to know this had not been just a dream. She'd almost felt him in it somehow. Though she could remember no concrete events of what she'd witnessed she knew that somehow he had been there. She'd felt fear and pain and suffering and somehow knew it was his. It had been awful.
She'd spent all the hours since then trying to make sense of it all. She couldn't be sure if he had been reaching out to her through the dream or if she had glimpsed some future event. She'd had both those experiences previously but this experience had been different than both of those had been. There was something dazed and hazy about the 'dream' and there was nothing lasting about it except the things that she had felt from it.
She felt tears in the corners of her eyes as she stared down at her plate. She knew she was not operating under the best conditions for problem solving. She was exhausted and it was making her even more emotional than she normally would have been. After she'd woken up she'd been too afraid to go back to sleep so she had been up most of the night.
She was both glad and upset she didn't have work today. The part of her that was relieved she didn't have work knew she really would be of no use at her job today. She was only running on a couple of hours of sleep and even that had been unrestful. Her mind was foggy and her emotions were more than a little compromised. But the part of her that was disappointed she didn't have work was longing for a distraction. She wanted to go to work and be busy; she wanted to feel useful. She didn't know how she was going to get through this day with nothing but time to be alone with her thoughts. She felt more helpless today than she ever had since arriving in this universe and work was usually the remedy for such feelings.
"Good morning, sweetheart," Jackie greeted quietly next to her.
Rose had been so consumed in her own thoughts that she hadn't heard her mum enter the room. She jumped slightly and with dismay she realized her emotions must be clear on her face. She smiled quickly to cover them up; even she knew it was unconvincing but she didn't have the energy for anything else. "Morning," she replied.
Rose placed her fork down as her mum sat down beside her. Rose stared in front of her, not looking at her mum's face. She felt like a talk was coming and she knew she was not strong enough to cover up how she really felt like she was usually able to. Her mind was already reaching; it had been ever since she'd awoke. It was already a steady and firm movement and she knew it would grow at the slightest thoughts of the Doctor or as she let her feelings of distress grow, both of which were certain to happen if her mum felt like talking about what had happened last night.
"Not hungry?" her mum asked casually.
"No, not really," Rose said, trying to sound calm in return. But she could hear how hollow and lifeless her own voice sounded.
"Rose," Jackie started cautiously. "I'm worried about you, honey."
Her voice was kind and delicate and Rose was so exhausted and worried she longed to reach out for her mum. She wanted to seek her comfort like she used to and tell her everything that was really going on. But what would her mum think of her if she really knew what was happening? What if she couldn't handle the truth? What if she rejected her? Rose knew she just couldn't handle that right now. The fear of this possibility was strong enough that she held herself back even though she wanted to cave.
"You don't have any reason to be worried about me," Rose said as strongly as she could manage.
"I think I do," Jackie said calmly.
"Well, you don't," Rose insisted still looking down at the table. She wasn't going to ask her mum why she felt that way. She knew the answer she would get and that it would lead to more discussion so she tried her best to end the conversation before it really began.
"Look at me," Jackie gently commanded.
Rose didn't and she soon felt her mum reach out a hand to her face and turn it towards her. Rose reluctantly looked at her mum, knowing that there were still tears in the corners of her eyes and that her face did not confirm the story her lips were telling. Usually, she was better at masking what she really felt inside but this time she knew it was all very clear on her face.
Sympathy and the worry of a mother covered Jackie's face. "Rose…why won't you tell me what's going on?"
"Nothing's going on," Rose said but she was already starting to cry which made her words especially unconvincing.
Tears started to fill Jackie's own eyes and she was not harsh about Rose's continued stubbornness as Rose had expected her to be. "There is something going on," she insisted. "I know that you've been going through something for a long time now. Can't you still talk to me about things?" Jackie asked her voice pleading.
Rose titled her eyes down away from her mum's. "I don't know," she said honestly.
"You know you can. We've been through some good times and some bad times. I know things have been…strained between us since we came to live here. But I still care about you as much as I always have."
Rose was crying quietly but in earnest now. "Thank you, Mum," she said.
"What's going on then?" Jackie implored.
Rose didn't know where to begin. Even if she wanted to tell her mum what was going on she didn't know where to start. Fear still nagged at her, making her worry about what her mum would think about her if she told her the truth. How would her mum feel when she heard about the way her mind had been altered forever? But, at the time, Rose also wanted to share her worry with someone else. She knew something was wrong with the Doctor and she wished so much that she could tell someone about it. It left her feeling so conflicted she wasn't sure what she was supposed to do.
"Mum…I…it's all just kind of crazy," she started.
"Well, darling, I think I have somewhat of an open mind. I might not have seen as many things as you have but I've seen some pretty bizarre stuff."
"I know," Rose said quietly but still she hesitated.
"What happened last night?" Jackie asked, when Rose didn't continue her own train of thought.
"I had a nightmare," Rose said quickly, reverting to her default answer.
"What happened last night was not like the nightmares you've been having."
Rose should have known that her mum's suspicions would be raised after what had happened last night. Her mum and Pete had learned to sleep through her nightmares over time and she'd been able to wake from them on her own. But last night she had been screaming so much they'd both woken. Then when they had tried to wake Rose up they hadn't been able to. Her mum had told her it had taken them a very long time to rouse her from sleep. After it was over she'd been so upset she'd even let her mum hold her for a while before she could pull away and say she was alright in a convincing tone.
Rose couldn't deny it so she only nodded her head. She chose her next words very carefully. "It felt like…something was wrong with the Doctor."
"What do you mean?" Jackie asked.
Rose took a deep breath. "It felt like he was in danger."
"Sweetheart, it was only a dream. I'm sure the Doctor is fine," Jackie said trying to reassure her.
Rose shook her head. "I'm not sure. It felt like there was more to it than that. I think something is wrong."
Jackie paused for a while before she spoke again. She was hesitant now to say what it was she was thinking and she was choosing her own words carefully.
"Rose, I'm really worried about you. I wonder if it…might not be time that you sought out some help."
Rose looked at her mum suspiciously. "What do you mean?"
"I just think it might help if you talked to someone about what you're going through. Someone who understands grief and would be able to help you through it."
"Wait," Rose said, realization dawning in her. "What are you saying, Mum?"
"There's no shame in it," Jackie said quickly. "After your father died I went to counseling for a time. I did. And it really helped."
"You want me…to go to counseling?"
"I understand your connection to the Doctor, I do. But I think at this point it is becoming unhealthy and destructive to you. And I just think talking to someone might help."
Rose let out a humorless laugh. She couldn't believe it. She just couldn't believe that this is where the conversation was going to go. "At this point?" she asked in disbelief. "You mean because it's been so long since we were separated?" There was sarcasm and cynicism heavy in her voice she knew but she didn't care about it this time. Her mum couldn't even begin to understand the connection she had with the Doctor.
"I know what happened to you and the Doctor was sudden and traumatic," Jackie said with sympathy, clearly detecting Rose's growing agitation. "But it has been eight months."
"Silly me," Rose mumbled quietly to herself.
"What is that?" Jackie asked.
Anger boiled to the surface and Rose decided for once to give into it. She looked up at her mum. "I should have known I couldn't talk to you about this."
"And what exactly it that supposed to mean?"
Disappointment and hurt feelings fed the longing in Rose's mind, making the reaching stronger, causing her mind to pound and pulse all the more. She tried the hardest that she could to repress it, something she never did, and it made her dizzy. "It means you just want me to move on. Everyone just wants me to be happy and forget the Doctor."
"Rose, I don't want you to forget the Doctor. I really, really don't. I know you can't do that and I wouldn't want you to. But I do want you to be happy again. It breaks my heart to see you so sad all the time."
"I'm sorry it upsets you, Mum. But that's how I feel."
"I know. But maybe, after a while, things can get better."
"Mum, I can't move on. I can't," she said with emphasis.
"Sweetheart, I know it feels that way," Jackie said gently. "You loved the Doctor. I'm not saying it will be easy; it never is when you love someone. But that doesn't mean that things can't be good again."
Rose closed her eyes and dug her fingers into hair, clutching at her head in frustration. She couldn't talk about this. Her head was aching so and it was starting to burn. She was getting upset and it was making it all worse. "You don't understand," she said raking her fingers back and forth hard against her scalp until her skin burned.
She felt her mum reach out and put a hand on her arm. She knew she must look a sight right now. She was on the verge of losing it. This was the closest she had come to doing so in front of somebody. She always saved such outbursts for when she was alone.
"Then help me understand," Jackie said quietly urging her.
Rose opened her eyes and looked up at her mum quickly, composing herself. "I gotta go," she said suddenly, brushing her hair back as she stood and walked towards the door.
"Sweetheart, please, don't be upset-" Jackie started, calling out after her.
"Sorry," Rose said as she left her mum and made her way out of the house as quickly as she could.
Martha had quickly prepared for her trip to the parallel universe and was now ready to leave. On her way out of the TARDIS she made a final stop to look in on the Doctor. She found him, still where he had been, thankfully still alive but his condition unchanged. Jack was in the console room and she was glad to have this final moment alone with the Doctor. She walked slowly into his room and came to stand next to him.
She crouched down beside his bed and took a good look at him. It was quite clear that he wasn't well at all. His skin was pale and clammy and his expression was troubled and not one of peace like it would be if he were only sleeping. The Doctor was never sick which made this sight all the more troubling to see. She allowed herself to lean in closer than she ever would normally dare to and whispered in his ear.
"Doctor, you hang on in there. Okay?" she said but she stopped with a catch in her throat before saying the next words. "I'm going to bring Rose back to you. So, you fight and you hold on. For her." She didn't know if he could hear anything but if he could she wanted him to know; if he could hear her words she knew it would make all the difference.
She plastered on a smile even though he couldn't see it. A reflex she supposed it was. But she hoped that the words did reach him. She didn't know what he was facing, trapped inside of his head but she did know he would fight if he knew Rose would be there soon. She wanted to sound positive and hopeful for him in case her words could reach him now. She believed that this had every chance of working and she wanted him to hold on.
This might be the last time she would see him and that made it all the harder to pull herself away from him. She might get trapped in the parallel universe herself and be unable to return here. She may return but find he hadn't made it that long. She may even get killed in the process of traveling. The device she would be using was untested and could be potentially harmful to her.
Even if this ended with the best possible outcome she felt herself feeling selfishly sad. Even if everything worked out perfectly, even if she got to the parallel universe, found Rose, brought her back and she was able to revive the Doctor, things were still never going to be the same for her. Martha knew this end result would be for the best for everyone else and she knew they all wished for it. She did too but she also couldn't help feeling the loss it meant for her. However this turned out, she could almost guarantee that her days of traveling with the Doctor were officially over.
But still she didn't waiver in her resolve. She had to do this. She cared about the Doctor and his life depended on this. There was no way she was going to let foolish attachment on her part get in the way of saving his life. Even knowing how things were likely to play out didn't change the way she felt for him. She cared about him and knew that if their places were reversed he would not hesitate to do the same for her. At one time she had hoped for more between them but even though she knew that would never be she still cherished and valued everything they had experienced together.
She brushed his hair gently with her hand before finally pulling herself away. She walked out of his room and down the hall and though her nerves and apprehension grew so did her determination.
Jack was standing in the console room, reading something off the screen in front of him but he looked up at her when he heard her enter the room.
"Martha, please let me go instead," he said his voice serious and pleading. "Let me go and attempt this and you stay here."
"Jack, we already discussed this," she said coming to stand next to him. "It has to be me."
"But it's my invention. I should be the one to test it out. If something goes wrong I can handle it. I don't want you getting hurt."
"Not this time. If the person who is attacking the Doctor comes to find the Doctor you are much more qualified to fight them than I am. You know more about the Doctor and this ship and you need to stay here with him. He can't be left alone. If something happens to him you know more about what could help him than I do. And out of the two us you're the more valuable one."
"Don't say that," Jack said firmly.
"I don't mean anything by it," she said honestly. "It's just the truth. You're needed more here. You can't afford to get trapped there."
"But you don't have to go," he said.
"Jack...this is best for him. This is the arrangement that is best for him," she said steadily. Putting the Doctor and his interests first was something neither one of them could argue with. Both of them knew they would do anything for him.
"We could try and figure out another way," he finally offered in a weak tone. He already knew the matter was decided.
She smiled at him. "You haven't known me long but I'm sure you know that staying home and playing it safe just it isn't going to work with me."
He smiled but she could still clearly see the worry in his eyes. "I just…I can't guarantee your safety. So many things could go wrong. If something bad happens I would rather it be me that finds out about it. "
"I know. And I know the risks. I'm still willing to do this," she said unwavering and steadfast.
He looked at her with admiration and pride and smiled at her. "Why are you doing this?" he asked honestly, genuinely wanting an answer. "You haven't known him long. Why would you risk everything to do this for him?"
Martha smiled remembering. "You know, the Doctor is the only reason I'm even alive right now. The first time I met him he saved my life. I'd have died, suffocated on the moon without him…that's a long story," she said laughing slightly and shaking her head. "He saved my life. And since then, he's showed me the past and the future and worlds I could have never dreamed of. In the short time I have known him, I have lived so much.
"I know I don't have a debt to repay. I know he would never see it that way and he would gladly do it all again without expecting anything in return. But you only need to know the Doctor for an instant before you fully understand how special he is. I haven't known him long but I do know that. And I know that the universe needs him. He's saved so many lives and everybody needs him and for once he needs me and I'm not going to let him down."
"You are a good woman, Martha Jones," Jack said with respect. "I hope the Doctor knows how lucky he is to have you."
She hoped he did too. Deep down she knew he appreciated her even if he didn't always show it. And she really hoped that what happened next wouldn't prove that gratitude had been misplaced.
There was no further reason to pause, so Jack stepped closer to Martha the vortex manipulator in his hand. Martha reached out her hand so he could strap it on. "So, remember, Rose is a Tyler," Jack said. "According to the Doctor's information, her father is Pete Tyler, owner of Viatex and is pretty wealthy. The Doctor wrote that they were semi-famous so you shouldn't have any trouble tracking her down."
Martha nodded her head in agreement as Jack finished and she lowered her arm. "Hopefully, this device is accurate and gets you pretty close to her location. I programmed it for the part of London the Doctor said she lived in. This is not the most convenient form of time travel and it's likely to be a bumpy ride. So, prepare yourself for a bit of…pain."
"Alright," Martha said a bit shaky, feeling very anxious as she realized this was all very close to becoming a reality.
"You alright?" Jack asked as he noticed the change in Martha's demeanor.
"Yeah. I'm just ready to get this over with."
He nodded his head in understanding. "O.K. Just push that button there and you're all ready to go."
"Take good care of him while I'm gone," she said.
"I sure will," he promised sincerely.
"Well," she said taking a deep breath. "Here goes nothing," she said and she quickly pushed the button before she could lose her nerve.
Pain was all she knew for a while. There was so much of it that it took her a while to come to and realize she'd stopped moving. The pain was so crushing that she didn't even know she was sprawled out on the hard ground and there were the sounds of people around her till she had been laying there for several minutes.
Finally, she opened her eyes enough to realize she was on a sidewalk somewhere. The light was like knives in her eyes and she had to close them for a moment before she could open them again and take a better look around. She was at least aware of two things at this moment. She realized the vortex manipulator had worked at least in some part; she had traveled from her place on the TARDIS to another. The second thing she realized was she had survived. Though she was in pain, she was alive and she laughed a little in relief.
She quickly worked to pick herself off of the ground though no one around her seemed to be troubling themselves to stop and check on the girl collapsed on the pavement. That was really all for the better though. No one had noticed (or cared to notice) her materialization here and that was a good thing. She wrapped her arms around herself as her head spun and waves of pain moved through her upon standing.
After a few minutes, she was able to focus enough of her attention off of herself and on to the world around her. It looked like London, or at least as far as she could tell it was. The accent of the people around her seemed to confirm that even though she wasn't familiar with her immediate surroundings. And when she looked up at the sky she knew she knew was no longer in her own universe. Several zeppelins flew above.
Jack's vortex manipulator had worked. She had made it.
Rose looked out the window of the coffee shop, finally giving up on the book she had open but hadn't read a word of. She pushed it back to rest near her coffee cup since she knew she wasn't going to get anywhere with it. Though she wanted a distraction she knew her mind was just too preoccupied to focus on one.
She came here to escape her mum as she usually did. This is where she came when she wasn't working and couldn't bear being home, which was becoming a more frequent occurrence these days. She didn't expect others to understand what it was she was going through but having to pretend she was fine all the time was slowly driving her crazy. Having others judge her for what she was going through would drive her to insanity in no time.
As Rose looked outside at the people walking and cars driving by she felt tears try to form in her eyes. She had really hoped that she would be able to talk to her mum. She knew her mum meant well and she was only trying to help but Rose couldn't deny that it had hurt. She knew the things she said were crazy and hard to believe but for once she really wanted her mum to just go along with it. Right now, when she felt so strongly in her gut that something was wrong with the Doctor, she really needed her mum to hear her out. She had needed her support through this situation, not encouragements to leave the Doctor behind.
She felt a pang of regret. Maybe she shouldn't have left like she had. Her mum had tried to suggest she needed to move on but after that she had asked Rose to explain it to her. She had been willing to listen. Now that Rose was removed from the situation and had better control of herself she could see that. She wondered now why she hadn't taken the opportunity; she'd thought she'd wanted it. But she knew she was afraid. She was afraid to talk about it because she didn't know what kind of effect it would have on her. She was afraid her mum couldn't handle it. She was afraid she couldn't handle it either. She might fall apart.
The aching in her head had subsided somewhat since her augment with her mum but the loneliness still lingered in full. It was deep and set in and occupied her mind; it was the kind she couldn't distract herself from even a little. She had calmed her mind as much as she could but it still tried to reach out and find out what was wrong with the Doctor. She rubbed her head with her hand, an old habit by now.
"Excuse me," Rose heard a voice call out to her and she turned to look at who was addressing her. Rose didn't recognize the dark skinned girl in front of her. She looked young, close to her age, but Rose couldn't think of any times she'd met her before. She looked smart and well put together but the overly excited look on her face gave Rose room for pause.
"Can I help you?" Rose asked neutrally, not wanting to be entirely rude but also not wanting to encourage too much conversation either.
"Are you Rose Tyler?" she asked with a smile.
"Yes," Rose answered cautiously.
"Wow," the girl said shaking her. "I can't believe it's you."
"I'm sorry but do I know you?" Rose asked becoming increasingly uncomfortable.
"No, you don't. But I know you," Martha said with a sound of awe in her voice still talking like she had found something of incredible value.
Rose squirmed in her seat. "And how is that?" she asking firmly, ready for an explanation for what was going on.
"I'm sorry. I must sound like an insane person. I didn't even tell you my name. I'm Martha Jones. We have a mutual friend."
Rose almost laughed. That couldn't be true. She didn't have any friends, not in this universe. She had Mickey, of course, but she didn't have any friends that she'd made here. She spent as much time as she could working and when she wasn't working she wasn't out making friends. She wasn't interested in having a social life or putting roots down in this world because she wasn't planning on staying.
"I don't think so," Rose said dismissively.
"Well, I suppose that's true. I said 'friend' but I suppose he's a great deal more than that to you," Martha said, still with a smile on her face but also a slight tinge of pain in her voice when she said it.
Rose froze as her mind started to consider what her heart didn't want to hope for, least it not be true. She felt adrenaline and excitement course through her body anyway, already daring to believe that what she was thinking might actually be true. She thought she understood what Martha was saying but she also wondered if she was only hearing what she wanted to hear.
"Who is that?" she finally asked feeling her heart beat hard in her chest.
Martha paused, as if she took great pleasure in delivering the next two words. "The Doctor," she said with a kind smile.
Rose's mind leapt at name. This time it didn't hurt; it was excited. It jumped with enthusiasm and energy at hearing this name. For a few seconds, it felt as if it left her body entirely, leaving her physically in shock. All the air left her lungs and she felt herself grip the side of the table.
When she spoke again she was not as composed as she would hope to be, especially in front of a stranger, but she couldn't help it. "Is…is he here?" she asked, feeling like she was gasping for breath. It sounded so desperate. But she was so desperate.
"No," Martha said delivering the crushing blow. "But," she added quickly. "I just came from your universe, his universe, and we can get back."
"I don't understand," Rose said shaking her head in disbelief. "How can this be? I thought it was impossible." Home. She couldn't believe she could actually return.
"I'll explain all of that later but right now we don't have a lot of time. The Doctor is dying…and you're the only one who can save him."
