The first touch of the Doctor's mind had been so powerful it had temporarily rendered Rose unconscious. This second brush of it threatened to do the same but Rose willed herself to hold on to consciousness as she felt it. His mind was with hers again and she would not allow herself to miss a single second of that. She had waited for this joining of them, to have her head full of him again and she wanted all of it. This was the very touch she had been seeking and aching for since the day it had been stolen from her. Now that they were reunited again and the Doctor had been healed of the abuse to his mind they were finally going to bond again.
But he was right; it did hurt. His touch had never hurt her before and it never should. But she didn't care that it did right now. It didn't matter. Nothing else mattered at all because he was there with her again. His presence stirred her mind and all the pain in the world couldn't eclipse the pleasure she gained from that.
A gasp or a cry or a whimper left her lips; she wasn't sure which it was. It might have even been them all at once. She cried it out a couple of times more and squirmed beneath him. It sounded as if she meant to protest or get away but that wasn't what it meant at all. It was only the excess of the experience, expressed in a way that even she wasn't going to be able control.
"I'm sorry it hurts; it won't last," he soothed, his voice close to in her ear but he didn't loosen his grip. "It will get better once we've connected our bond together again."
She wasn't trying to get away and she meant to reassure him of this fact. She had been made speechless so she reached instead to pull herself nearer to him. She reached for his head and pulled it close and tight against her chest. He rested against her without any protest and his hands still in her hair tightened to show he enjoyed the closeness. They held each other tight for a while, seeing red as everything came alive between them.
With the Doctor's mind now restored their bond came alive, fully awake on both ends. But it was crippled, broken to an extent it never should have been and it pulsed and throbbed in an extreme pain that penetrated deep into their minds. Rose had thought her mind had been very active in the time she'd been separated from the Doctor. She'd experienced so much pain and such a strong reaching out on an almost daily basis. But it was only now that she realized how much of her mind had been dormant during that time. She hadn't known how much of her mind she'd been missing in that time or that so much of her had been numb while he was gone. The pain and yearning she'd felt for months had been terrible; there was no doubt about that. But she was grateful now for how much of her had been asleep during their separation. It would have been unbearable if she'd felt her mind at her full potential without him.
She was now aware of every inch of her own mind as it came alive in startling alertness. She was aware of everything to the highest degree she was capable of. She also felt the wide open hole in her mind where the Doctor was meant to be. He'd been ripped out when she'd been pulled into the parallel universe. That place was still open, meant for him. It had somewhat adapted to the emptiness but any of that progress now came undone as she was near him again. It split open like the wound it was, gaping and became ready to be made right again.
She didn't mind this pain. In fact, she relished it. She'd felt so much hurt in recent history but this was something different. The pain she'd felt in their separation was from something that was dying in her. This pain she felt now was the pain of something awakening. It was their bond, waking from its sleep, stretching, and gaining its strength again. There was purpose in this hurt. For the first time they each felt their broken bond entirely but now they could finally to do something about it. This ache was meant to draw them back together, to show them both how they were meant to be connected and they intended on following that guidance as quickly as possible.
The pieces of her that reached out to him, that fit into him were torn and weak but now that she was with him again, his hands on her head, she watched in amazement as they moved back into place. The part of her that was meant to be in his mind, that was hers no longer but belonged to him, was drawn towards him. Slowly, she watched as the bond that bound them together forever was slowly restored again. It had seemed, at times, it might be too much damage, that it was broken beyond repair. But together they watched as it was repairing itself, back to the way it was meant to be, back to where it had been before their separation. She had never seen the bond between them in such a real way before and it was amazing to watch.
"Can this be?" she gasped. She touched her face to his hair a moment and found tears were running down her face. "Doctor…can it really be that we're together again?" she marveled, kissing the top of his head a few times.
For a moment, he was too speechless for words. She could tell that he felt the same pain that she did and that he felt the same complete acceptance of it, embracing both it and the wonder of what was happening. "I thought it never could be again. I feared we never would be again. But it is," he marveled.
It was beautiful. Even in this moment of pain it was beautiful because their minds were about to be joined again. Pain flowed between them but because of it they could feel the connection that bound them more vividly than they ever had before. They could both clearly see empty spaces in them that they were meant to fill for the other. Rose had never actually seen the spot in the Doctor's mind where she was meant to be nor had she seen the place in hers where he was supposed to reside. She had always known they were there but it was really astonishing to see it in front of her.
Rose thought back to the night that this part of their connection had been formed. She remembered that night they had bonded and how it had been so strong that for the first time, when they pulled away a piece of them stayed with each other. It had happened in the midst of their sharing their darkest secrets and taking away each other's burdens from those mistakes. That experience had been so intimate and important, it had been so critical to the future of their relationship, that it had connected them in an inseparable way. That night they had both feared their biggest regrets might drive them apart but they had come away even closer because for it. Because of that complete honesty with each other their minds rested completely secure in the company of the other. What had at first seemed like the biggest debt to pay for the bond had in fact been one of its best benefits.
The first time their minds had joined in this way it had happened completely effortlessly. Because of how it had happened they hadn't even known it had occurred until it was over. It had happened silently and a great surprise to discover upon their ending that particular bonding time. But this time was very different. This time they were both fully aware of what was happening. This time they could watch as the separate parts of them reached out, getting closer and closer until they connected and joined. This time they could each feel the moment as they filled the space in each and their mind became whole again.
It had been special before when it had formed in the midst of that important moment they'd shared. But there was something exceptional about this time as well. This time they were able to be aware of it and see it happening when they hadn't before. Though neither one of them would wish for the separation they'd had to face or say it had been a good thing, there was a reason to feel fortunate in being able to experience this bond forming two separate times and in two different ways. It actually felt like they'd gained something from their parting. It was captivating and they soon forgot the pain they had been in as it faded.
They were intertwining again. Between them were the strands of their connection frayed and severed, abused by separation. But even at its weakest that connection had remained strong. It was still alive, despite everything, and it was moving and gaining interest. The edges of her were slowing moving to reach out to his and his responded in kind. Their bond was being knit back together. Soon, it was no longer weak and tattered but complete and strong, as if it had never even been severed in the first place. The spaces inside of them were open and waiting to be filled again and simultaneously they found their home again in each other and settled securely back in their proper places again.
When it was finished they were both left silent and gasping for breath. They were now complete and fully connected again. Every pain they'd felt in their minds now ceased. Their eyes opened wide and all they could do was stare at each other in wonder as they tried to catch their breath again. There were no words or comments that would do for the situation. Their gaze remained fixed on each other even as he slowly pulled back and sat on the ground next to her, his arms unable to hold him up anymore. She remained where she was and they both took a moment to rest. She reached a hand to her face and wiped away the sweat and tears she now found to be there.
It was the first time that they had been rendered silent both in speech and mind from anything they'd experienced. For some reason that made Rose want to laugh and she did. She laughed softly, finally content and whole again. It was joy she hadn't been sure she would have again and she marveled in it whether her expression of it was appropriate or not. She was glad when the Doctor smiled down at her and laughed softly along with her. He still didn't say a word but he leaned forward and kissed her gently on the forehead.
It finally, finally, had the desired effect. His mind now healed and their connection restored produced the reaction in her she'd wanted for so long. For the first time, the reaching inside would be satisfied and there were be no pain in their touching. It made her silent again and her face serious as she sat up and faced him.
She wanted a slow greeting between them. She needed his mind and touch and she longed for it as they had first had it.
"I'm lonely…in my mind," she said smiling and biting her lip. Her words hinted back at his own words from that very first time they had touched minds.
He smiled at back at her. He was completely well again and their connection was restored; nothing else would hold them back now. "I think I can help with that."
Without another word she closed her eyes and waited. She waited for him to reach out and touch the sides of her head. She wasn't disappointed as he reached out, simply, just as he had done all the way back in the beginning. He was so gentle with her and she could feel it all completely as it should be now, no longer hindered by their long absence.
The Doctor was in Rose's head again and that was what it felt like to be home. He felt as if he had been traveling and lost for so long but this was where he was meant to be. Her mind was warm and welcoming just like he'd remembered. It was completely open to him, receiving him in without any hint of hesitation or need for encouragement. She was ready and he rushed in. It always was such a comfortable place to rest and he took his time reacquainting himself with the sight of the inside of her. He had longed for the sweet confines of her soft mind and he found himself hurrying in.
He moved his fingers in small circles, gently massaging her temples and letting his mind freely flow to her. He felt her reach her hands to his wrists and she rubbed his arms back and worth, content, as he wrapped himself around her mind. He marveled at her mind within his grasp again, able to touch her, stroke her and hold her close again. He wasn't sure he would ever get enough. It seemed there could never be time enough to get all of her that he wanted or make up for all the opportunities of this he'd been deprived of. He would never ever in all the lives he might be given tire of having her this close and holding her in this very way.
The Doctor was not surprised to find that their absence had left its mark on her mind. He should have expected that eight months of neglect would take their toll upon her. He would have known she'd look like this if he had thought about it before but he hadn't wanted to think of this. It was his responsibility to keep her from ever reaching this point. He took that obligation to heart and loved his job of caring for her mind. He'd have never let her become like this if he hadn't been kept from her.
Rose was never supposed to look this way. Her mind was like a desolate wasteland, neglected and abandoned. He never wanted her to look deserted, ignored, overlooked, and unloved. The absence of touch had left her bare and in desperate need of sustenance. He reached out to her, now even more eager to give her what she needed and had gone without for so long.
The longer he laid his mind on hers the more he could feel her getting antsy. When he touched her he felt her forcing herself to be still. It wasn't like she was resisting him exactly but she wouldn't allow herself to respond to it fully. Her hands now gripped his wrists holding on tight like she was holding herself back. She grabbed at his touch but he could feel that she kept pulling back almost like she was trying to keep herself in check. He wrapped his mind around hers and held her tight, letting his own light seep into her, reviving her. It was relief to her; it restored her. And yet, there was something that was causing her distress.
What's wrong? he asked.
I'm starving, she admitted with feeling.
I can see that, he said with a small smile unmistakably feeling the hunger she had for his touch. That's O.K.
With the absence of the pain that Rose had become so accustomed to in her mind there was nothing but space for her desire to grow and it was. The need for his touch was so strong she had never felt anything like it before. I've never felt it this much before, she admitted. It frightened her a little that she needed this so much. It made her not trust herself.
Is that a bad thing? he asked, detecting the hints of fear in her.
No. But I don't…I don't want to lose control.
It's alright if you do, he reassured her. He stroked the sides of her head now with his fingers, brushing her hair back around her ears, repeating the motion several times.
She whimpered quietly at his words and his kind touch. She had been without this for so long that she needed it terribly, more than ever. I want to touch you, he whispered. Don't deprive me of this.
She was gasping now, nearly crying. She shivered with desire at his words and her body began shaking slightly with all the anticipation and want. He didn't understand her hesitation when it was so clear in every way how much she both needed and wanted this.
I don't want to be selfish, she finally whispered back.
The Doctor felt his hearts swell even more with love for her. His Rose, she was so dear and so kind. He was surprised, though he shouldn't be, that this was what was at the root of her restraint. She was always thinking of others first; always thinking of him first. He delighted to feel the emotion of her compassionate heart again, right as she felt them.
Normally, at this point she would be reaching back to him; there would be a somewhat even exchange from them both. But she had been deprived of his touch for so long she felt all she could do at this point was take and she felt guilty for that. She didn't want to take from him first before she was able to give to him.
He reached out for her and wrapped his arms around her resting his forehead against hers. Rose…you get to be selfish now. You've had to hold yourself back for months but you don't have to anymore. Not anymore. Not in this. This is what I'm here for.
He pressed his lips against her head, knowing she wouldn't be able to argue anymore once he did. He poured everything he could into her through the kiss and he felt it unlock her inside. She realized this herself and he felt her come at him, empty and taking all he could give. He reached out to her and she pulled on him taking in his touch. With the Doctor's words of reassurance still ringing in her mind she didn't hold back anymore. She grabbed at his touch taking everything she could from it without reservation. She drew in all his light and warmth and took it for herself. At first it seemed she would never be filled and he was alright with that. She needed him and his touch and that was the most beautiful responsibility that he had ever had.
She tore into his mind, consuming him. But this was quite unlike it was when the last person attempted that. This produced amazing results and not fatal ones. Her mental touch was all over him and there was nothing but her presence around him. She took and took and took of him; so much that he hadn't been aware he had so much to give. Every piece of him that she asked for he gladly forfeited. She wanted him and he wanted her to need him; he was glad to surrender everything of him to her. For months he'd only belonged to himself and what a hardship that had been. Now he was hers again. He was glad that she wasn't keeping herself back even in part anymore. She needed this and he loved to feel her come to him for it.
She'd feared taking so much from him but she didn't need to because he had so much to give her. Her hunger was great and her pace was quick but he could keep up with her. All the light and energy and everything that was good inside of him was hers for taking if she wanted it. This was what she needed and he could feel that his attentions were making a difference in her. She was in so much need but she was gaining strength from his light and life that he gave to her. She had longed for the glow of his light around her and she delighted herself in it, letting it banish the loneliness that had been there for so long. In time, her mind started moving slightly along with his own.
He wanted to grab her, hold her tight and dive into her mind. To his delight he found she was ready to stand back and let him have at her. But there was something that nagged at him and made him hesitate. It was the thing that was now very clear to him that made him pause: She hadn't held herself back from the pain of their separation. He could tell by looking at her that she had let herself feel the pain of their bond. She hadn't locked it away to deal with it later; she had faced it and dealt with it as she felt it. He could tell by looking at the way the damage was in her mind that she had even embraced the pain their severed bond had created. She hadn't run from the pain or try to suppress the bond. She'd felt what she'd had to in order to keep it alive.
I missed you so much, she murmured, caught up in the delight of feeling his mental touch again. He could feel all the more how much it meant to her because of all the times she'd longed for it. She had known it would be worth it; she had known the waiting and pain would not be for nothing.
The Doctor was struck deeply by guilt. She had kept their connection alive. She had valued it and cherished it even though it caused her pain. She had taken care of it even when they were apart, even when they had not known if they would ever be together again. He felt like less than dirt when he realized how much attention she had given it all. He was ashamed to know how little he had.
The time had come when Rose was ready to reach out to him. She had had enough of her own fill that she needed to reciprocate, to thank him for what he'd done by doing the same in return. He felt her seek him out so that she could share but he withdrew. She chased after him and he couldn't believe he found himself backing away from the mind that was eager to touch his.
Rose was beyond confused to feel the Doctor distancing himself from her. Why should he run from her now? She was eager to touch his mind and give herself to him and she didn't understand why it seemed he did not want to accept it. She reached out to find what motivated these actions and she was glad to see he wasn't hiding completely. He let her feel what it was and she found he was feeling guilty. He was feeling guilty and selfish.
For a moment, she thought that maybe he was feeling it for the same reason she had. She'd been so caught up in herself and receiving that she'd missed the turmoil going on in him. She thought maybe he was feeling guilty for wanting attention focused solely on him. But now, upon greater inspection, it felt as though it went deeper than that. There was more to it. She didn't like to feel that he felt so bad right now. She felt so good and she wanted him to feel the same.
Doctor, why do you feel so guilty? she quietly asked. She rubbed her hands against his back trying to calm what he felt inside.
I…I want to tell you first, before you see it for yourself. One way or another she was going to know about it and he would rather show some courage and own up to it than make her have to find it on her own.
He was afraid, she could feel now. Alright. You can tell me; I'm not so scary, am I? she asked, a gentle tease in her voice to make him feel more at ease. But it didn't work.
I can see how much pain you were in. I can see all the damage in your mind right now; you suffered. Our bond and the separation caused you pain and you felt that completely.
Does that surprise you? she asked confused.
No. No, it doesn't. It makes me feel ashamed of myself.
Why? Why would it?
Because I didn't do the same, he admitted. She could feel his hearts breaking over it, remorse hitting him greatly. He was so sorry and she could feel it.
What do you mean, Doctor? Tell me, she asked as her arms tightened around him. I know you felt pain; you couldn't have escaped it if you tried.
But I was afraid it. I tried to run away from it. I only felt what I couldn't repress. But I can see right now that you didn't ignore it. You embraced the pain. You kept our connection as alive as you could even though it was broken and it hurt you. You're not a coward like I am.
You are not a coward, she said strongly. Doctor, I know you love me. And I know you missed me. I don't doubt any of that, she said trying to reassure him.
I feel awful. I don't know how I could have tried to hide our bond, to keep it inside of myself. I wanted it to lay dormant while we were apart.
And I'm sure that worked very well for you, she gently chided him. She knew how futile his efforts must have been. It must have only made it harder on him. And it just would not do for him to feel like he felt right now, bearing guilt he didn't need to own. Don't you see? You only hurt yourself by doing that. Can't you see how much worse you made it for yourself?
You aren't mad?
No, she answered kindly. You act like you think that it's a surprise to me that you do that.
Isn't it?
No, she said with a smile. You know I can read your mind right? Who knows you better than I do? I know how you work in your mind and hearts. I know that you are afraid of what you feel. I know that left alone you try to run from yourself. But you aren't alone anymore, are you?
She felt a burst of excitement and anticipation on his side and she was glad to feel it. No, I'm not, he answered. He was overwhelmed at her forgiveness and so happy to know she really was there with him to help him. He desperately needed all of her help.
It seems you've left me with my work cut out for me. I better get to it.
If I face it I might fall apart, he said, with the last shred of hesitation he had left. She could feel that he was close to her again and almost ready to give himself over to her touch but he was still a little scared.
Go ahead, she urged. I'll hold you together.
She pulled him closer to herself, holding one of her hands firm against his head. Her poor Doctor; he was so bad at taking care of himself. She hated that she had been kept from being there for him for so long. But she was here now and she was going to take care of everything.
He faced the true of absence of her in himself and it did hurt. It pushed itself from deep within him and it was greater for having been stifled and ignored. It was harder and more frantic than even hers had been. She watched it come out and decided to let him feel it for just a few moments. She wanted him to be fully aware of the touch he needed from her so he would be open to allow her to give it.
He was empty and desperate and he grabbed at her mind urging her inside. He pulled back instantly, feeling embarrassed at the action that seemed too greedy and horrified at the force he used with her. He never seized her like that; he just knew this want so little he was unable to know how to control it. He had kept himself from feeling this so many times and he regretted that now; now he felt so much in this moment. But she only smiled and patted his head gently as she rested her touch upon his mind. He really was so hard on himself.
It had been amazing to feel his light and touch wash over her again for the first time. She had needed to be bathed in his love so much; her mind had been so desperate for it. He had given her that without reserve. She now realized that she desired to do the same for just as much. As much as she had needed his touch to nourish her own mind, she needed to give that to him too.
Rose felt her own mind, so powerful and warm, so strong and full of life. Even this, her own light, had mostly been a memory to her in their time apart. She had felt it but as not strongly as she did when he was there to awaken it. It had been so weak. But she was stronger than ever now and ready for the task ahead. She gathered up her light, herself, pressing it through her finger tips and straight into his mind.
He needed it. Every ounce of it he soaked up. She held his mind securely in her grasp and kept him still to receive all the attention she intended on lavishing on him. It wasn't pain that he would be feeling now. She didn't blame him for running from it; she wasn't angry he hadn't known how to deal with it. At this moment she only felt longing inside of herself to correct the pain that had been caused and to satisfy the need she hadn't been able to for months.
She stroked his mind gently with her own, brushing the surface of it with her own light. This simple but profound touch was the very foundation of their telepathic touch. At its simplest this was what their bond was all about. The simple embrace of their minds against each other and the sharing of themselves meant even more now that they had been apart for so long. This was the very first way they had shared telepathic touch and Rose was overjoyed to be able to be together in this way.
She had known how much he needed this because it was how much she had needed it. And now that she was glimpsing his mind it was very easy to see it upon him. Now that the crisis had passed and he'd been healed of the damage the thief had left upon him he'd been restored to his normal state. But his normal state before was one of separation. It was similar to what he had looked like the first time she'd looked at him; neglected and in need of touch. But it was even worse than that. The sight before her was not the one of someone who needed touch but who had adapted to the absence of it as he had been that first time they were together. This was the sight of someone who was used to regular attention and needed the affection. There were no signs of adaptation or healing; there was nothing but the signs of desperate need and neglect. It was the evidence of how much he had come to need her.
She could feel it in his touch as well. Her touch was lite on him but he kept clutching her. He didn't mean to act greedy or forceful with her and he kept withdrawing his touch in embarrassment of his lack of control. But she understood that he was just so desperate he needed her touch so badly. He didn't mean to keep leaping at her but his mind was hard to control after such a long time of being unheeded. This was a break from their normal even exchange of give and take but she didn't mind. He had given himself without reserve to her and she was going to do the same for him.
When he grabbed at her rather than try to calm him she pressed her mind even more upon him. This was what you were holding on for, wasn't it? she asked. Let yourself have it.
He couldn't resist or pull back when she pressed her mind on him like that and he would have to take and take until he was satisfied. I am so lonely, he cried his mind reaching out for her. He was lonely for her in his mind but not for long. He was amazed to feel her touch warming the coldness inside of him and reviving all that had become devastated. He wasn't sure she could handle to give as much as he needed but she didn't stop or falter once. This was what her mind had always been for and she had gained so much strength over time to make her even better at it.
She delighted to feel him reaching out for her again. She was in his mind where she belonged and he needed her. She was so glad to feel that he needed her; that he needed her in this way specifically. It was a way she hadn't been sure she'd ever be needed again. Her human relationships hadn't required it and she was so glad to be with him again. She'd have felt the loss of this her whole life if she had never been reached out to for this. She pressed her mind on him all the more to continue to encourage it.
It took a long time but he didn't stop taking until he had satisfied. She had light and warmth enough to give him until he was no longer reaching for more and even found she had more to spare. He whispered out a Thank You when he finally stilled and rested his mind, completely satisfied from her touch. Both were, for the very first time in months, content.
It was easy to see how long they had been apart. Their minds had been so desperate, to a level only created by deprivation. It was such a large space of their time that they had been separated. Their minds had felt that length of that time and she could feel the pain of those months on their timeline. It was time, months of it, she could see was separate and not joined together. It pained her to know there was time between them that was divided and unshared.
They were still pausing, catching their breath when Rose felt memories boiling up inside of her, being brought to the surface for the purpose of sharing. The bond was now back in place and doing its job, like an old friend returned to them. It was like a mediator between them guiding them along and was leading them to the next step. She knew what this meant and was familiar with this phenomenon. Whenever her and the Doctor experienced things separately the memories were often recalled to be given to the other, to be shown and given as a shared experience; her memories became the Doctor's and his became her own even if they had made them when they were apart.
She had come to look forward to this happening but this time she felt herself hesitating. There were so many memories; she had experienced so much time away from him. This was not like those memories of a day they'd spent separated in their jobs but still working on the same mission. This was months' worth of time where she had lived without him. It was a sad thing and she wasn't sure if he would want it.
Already she felt those pleasant effects of the bond, that opened her up and made her vulnerable and honest with him. So many people would find the sensation to be unsettling but she'd come to love it. It pushed her to be exposed and truthful with him and that was something good because it drew them closer together. Because of it she decided to just be honest and voice her concerns and ask him how he felt about it all.
He felt her hesitating and knew she had a question. Should I show them to you? she asked.
Of course, he answered positively.
But…won't they make you sad? she asked, her voice cracking slightly at the thought.
She felt him smile and reach out a hand, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear and letting his hand rest holding her chin. Yes, they will make me sad. It's time of yours that I didn't get to be a part of. But I still want them. I want to experience them in this way and have them as much as I can.
She smiled. O.K.
You'll be alright to experience it again? he asked, making sure she was comfortable with the exchange.
Yes, she said nodding her heading strongly. She knew it would be hard but if he wanted them then she wanted him to have them. I can do it.
He reached for her and pulled her towards him. He shifted her in his arms so that she was leaning comfortably back against his chest. He wrapped his arms around her and held her comfortably against himself before leaning his head down against hers. Tell me your story, he whispered. She sighed and closed her eyes, feeling very safe in his arms even as the sad and difficult memories came back to her.
