Chapter 10: Suicidal

And so, without having ever expected anything like it, I found myself in a great jam; here I was, lost in a strange, unreal, and seemingly endless forest, while my stepmother was ironically in the real world-- my world, if you could call it that, celebrating my downfall-- if you could call it that. I wasn't too sure. Well, I wasn't too sure of anything anymore, and it really didn't matter any way you looked at it. All I wanted anymore was to simply find Jacqueline, and make her suffer for what she had done to my father and me. Oh, how I longed to strangle her-- to end her wicked life-- for her to suffer... expire, as my father had. Only Jacqueline actually deserved to die, and if there was a God, she would burn in hell afterwards. As I wandered throughout the forest in the afternoon, that's probably what kept me going the entire time-- the thought of being able to return to the hospital, and kill her right then and there-- the little whore that she was. But there was a pretty good chance (and I knew this), that Jacqueline had left the hospital already, and gone off to South America or something, but it was the principal of things.

But I also knew that it was very unlikely that I would ever get out of the forest-- at least alive, and be able to return home-- or what little was left of it. I could get out of the forest and start rebuilding my life-- by starting with Jacqueline's murder. I smiled despite myself; everything seemed so unlikely right now. I'd probably end up dying of thirst in a couple of days-- a week at the most. Though Jacqueline had come off as the definition of a 'dumb blonde,' she had been smart enough to imprison me somewhere from which there was no escape and no safety-- the forest was a complete deathtrap.

I walked on for days; hearing birds singing, and the feeling the sun shining on my face through the gaps between the tall treetops... Sleeping under bushes, and growing even more wary of everything I had encountered thus far in the world of hell that the forest was.

One night, I simply could not sleep-- (although this was a natural occurrence now); I couldn't help but wonder if Jacqueline was somehow watching me. Instead, I sat, and stared up at the few stars that could be seen... What am I doing here? I want to go home... I want to go home...

I blinked biter tears out of my eyes, and stared down at the ground, I don't want this anymore. I want to die...

'I want to die...' It just didn't sound like me. It didn't sound like anything I would say, but it was coming from me, and it made absolute sense. It was the truth, after all.

It was crazy, right? Well, no. Not really. I-- Beatrice wouldn't have said that in my-- her old life, but I-- Beatrice was a new person now. The thoughts of death filled my emptiness. I wanted to die all right, but my thoughts weren't what was becoming crazy, I was, and I was no longer Beatrice Horowitz.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The following morning, at long last, I found a small clearing with a food and water source just large enough for about two people; The oasis of the forest, I thought dryly, rushing towards the nearest berry bush, and plunging an aching hand into it; at first I wondered if they were poisonous, and then I realized that I no longer cared, so I began plucking off the red berries, one by one, and popping them into my mouth; their red juice bursting as I bit down; staining my teeth a deep red that had only been rivaled by that of the apple's.

As I chewed and swallowed (a bit disappointed that the berries were harmless), I realized that in taste, they were simply disgusting-- bitter; not sweet at all, as dark red berries were supposed to be, "At least it's food," I advised myself; restraining the urge to spit out the berries, and just kill myself. "At least it's food," I repeated, trying to be optimistic, although it was getting increasingly difficult, as I walked over to the small trickling crystal-clear stream, and brought my face into the water, drinking for a good full minute before taking my head out, and gasping for air; the cool water had washed away the sweat, dirt, and grime off of my face-- but the flavor of the apple had somehow stayed with me; I was almost sure that it would remain with me forever-- I felt a little better, and yet I was still unsatisfied.

The wind began to man through the trees, and the skies grew dark and gray... A storm was approaching, so, I sought shelter under a nearby oak tree, buried my head in the palms of my hands, and soon fell asleep.

For the first time since entering the forest, I actually felt safe.

But little did I know that I was being watched.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The days slowly slipped away from me. I feasted upon berries three times a day, drank water whenever I felt thirst, and sleep under the oak tree whenever I became tired. My oasis was quite peaceful, yet dreadfully repetitive, and each day was exactly like the one before it. Some people simply cannot stand change, and as I remained in the oasis, frightened of what lay outside of it, I realized that although my little oasis was peaceful, it was quite dangerous to a slipping sane mind. Time passed; things did not change. A day might have gone by in the Godforsaken forest, maybe a week, maybe two, maybe a month, maybe a year, maybe a decade, maybe even a century. I'll probably never know how long I spent stuck in the Godforsaken place. One thing was sure. I despised it. Time was irrelevant there, and for some reason I kept on looking at the watch I wore around my wrist, hopeful that it would start working again with no batteries. But there were no miracles in the forest-- at least not for me. Everything was completely crazy, and as I began to regain my strength, my sanity began slipping away; I began to go mad. I was losing my feeble mind due to the loneliness and the self-pity, and the hatred I felt for those who had betrayed and hurt me, and the hunger for food other than the deplorable berries, and the thirst for something other than the stream-water which had begun to taste stale. I could not stand the horrors that I faced each day any longer... But I continued to live. I continued to live for the hell of it; for all I knew, a comet could crash land directly on me, and I wouldn't be made to suffer any longer.

I sat under my tree-- (the entire forest belonged to me for all I knew, now,) I sat there, my periwinkle robe caked with dirt, grass-stains, and dust, I look like a mad woman, I thought, and then the truth dawned on me; I burst out laughing, (I laughed like this old woman who used to live down the street from us; she had been INSANE; she would start laughing and screaming at all hours of the night. From what I've heard, they threw her in the loony bin.) Maybe I AM a mad woman, I thought, standing up, and walking over to the stream-- my stream.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I fell asleep; I woke up. I ate, I fell asleep, I woke up. I slept, I woke. It went on and on like clockwork-- and in vain, I kept on checking on the hands of the watch to see if they had moved since the last time I had checked-- sometimes forty-five seconds before.

I laughed. I cried. I ate berries, and drank water.

My body may have become stronger, but my mind had grown weaker.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Why me?" I wondered, biting my lip until it bled, and I could taste the red blood that began gliding down my chin, "Why me?" I repeated, pulling blades of grass out of the ground, as the wind began to howl; ruffling my black hair, and my hospital gown. I screamed at the skies; knowing so well that my screams were useless.

No one could hear me now.

I was completely alone.

Alone and afraid.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"A, B, C, D, E, F, G," I sang under my breath, "H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, and Z," I finished the silly school-song, and salty tears welled up in my eyes.

How had I been reduced to this mess?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I had finally finished the last song that I knew by heart, and there was no more that I could do; for the past three days, that's all that I had been doing; singing-- something I had once despised, but now it was the only thing to save me. Singing to keep the agony at bay... I had been reduced to less than nothing. I was an empty shell, and now-- now there was no use denying it. I was insane, "That's it!" I screamed, throwing a large handful of berries away, and into the stream; vexed by the plopping sound they made as they sunk to the bottom, "THAT'S THE LAST STRAW!" I roared, angry at the oasis, and the disgusting berries, and the stupid, frivolous singing birds that couldn't stop for one second just to acknowledge my deep misery-- angry at the entire GODFORSAKEN forest, and yet there was no one to care.I screamed, and I tore a handful of black hair from my scalp; I tossed it aside, wincing at the pain, as a single drop of blood trickled down my forehead. "HELP!" I screamed; the loudest that I had screamed since that night in the hospital.

But there was no one to hear me.

No one.

I had known this all along, but it hadn't really dawned on me until just now. Even if there was anything outside the forest, anyone who heard me hadn't bothered to help, and they wouldn't come now-- if there was anyone.

I stood there for nearly ten minutes, before I began to cry; hot, wet tears of sorrow streamed down my cheeks, 'They'll never find you,' a familiar voice hissed in my head.

"I know," I replied out loud as if to my own conscience.

'Just end the battle now.'

I nodded; the tears continuing to stream down my cheeks, and there appeared on the ground a jagged stone, in the crude shape of a dagger; 'There's no use standing around waiting for Jacqueline to find you. Give up. Just give up now,' the voice whispered; its voice a strange and faint hiss.

And it made sense. The only thing that had made sense in my life for quite a while-- my half-life. I wanted to die, and the disembodied voice wanted me to die. If I could please both, then why not...? 'Give up,' the voice repeated one last time.

I nodded, and bent down to pick up the dagger. I eagerly snatched it up; it felt heavy and smooth to the touch in my eager hand, and without hesitation, I raised it over my head. I brought it down; its sharp tip pointed at my chest; eagerly waiting to pierce my heart.

Death was the only escape now.

There were no other options.

I said a little prayer inside of my head for God to forgive me, but just as I was about to bring the dagger into my heart, a wrinkled hand grabbed my wrist; and the crude knife was knocked out of my grasp, and fell onto the ground.