AN: Not entirely happy with this chapter, but I tried my best. Anyways, thanks for the reviews, follows, and favorites and I hope you enjoy! This is the third to last chapter before I take a monthish break to finish the next book so we're in the home stretch.
Chapter 20- Therapy
It only took a few hours for Albus to pull the right strings and get Ben a good psychologist. So the next day that's where Ben found himself- in a small room with pale blue walls sitting across from his new therapist in a deep mahogany desk that shone with fresh polish.
Ben studied his feet diligently, wondering why the hell he had agreed to go here in the first place as Severus practically interrogated the therapist who held up against his harsh scrutiny quite well in Ben's opinion. Finally it seemed that Severus was satisfied that the psychologist wasn't just Voldemort in disguise because he squeezed Ben's shoulder and left, promising he'd be back in one hour.
One hour. What was the Ben supposed to talk about for one whole hour? Ben could feel the woman's eyes on him but he didn't look up until she spoke. "Hello Ben my name is Madame Pomfrey. Your Dad told me you've been having some problems, why don't you tell me about them?"
Ben met the kind eyes that were looking at him curiously. He struggled to answer her- what exactly was his problem? There were probably too many to go over in just one hour. Ben sighed, probably better to start with the reason he was there, the rest of the problems could wait. "I can't control my magic."
"What do you mean by that? You seem fine right now; do you have trouble controlling it in certain situations?"
Ben thought about it. "I guess… I guess when I'm really angry or upset or scared I can't control it. It just rises up and I'm not strong enough to hold it back."
Madame Pomfrey smiled comfortably at him. "That's perfectly normal for wizards your age. Your Dad tells me you have a lot of power, which makes it much harder for you."
Ben nodded; his therapist wasn't telling him anything Tuck hadn't already told him.
"Now I'm afraid I don't have much experience controlling surges of power." Ben's heart sunk. "But what I do have is experience in helping people control their emotions. If you don't get as upset you won't lose control, does that make sense?"
Ben nodded again, considering the new solution to his problem. It made just as much sense as Mr. Tuck's method, so he figured he would try it out.
"To do this, I have to know what made you upset, angry, or scared in the first place. Can you give me an example of one of these incidents?"
Ben froze up. Severus had told him he could trust Madame Pomfrey with anything, but he didn't want to. He was Benjamin Severus Snape now, a boy with a normal family living in a normal house with a completely ordinary life. A life that did not include abuse, murder, and jail. A life where he was not the boy who lived. Ben took a deep breath, calming the panicky feeling in his stomach. He had been foolish to think that just changing his identity would give him a new beginning. He had still been born Harry James Potter and he was going to have to face his past.
"Do you know who I am?" Ben asked in a defeated whisper.
"You are Benjamin Severus Snape, the son of Severus Tobias Snape who loves you dearly. If you really mean who you were, then yes I know you were once Harry James Potter," Madame Pomfrey answered, her eyes bright. "I've also seen the memory as well as spoken to many children who have gone through what you have so nothing you can say will push me away or surprise me. I'm here as someone you can talk to, someone you can trust with everything, okay Ben?"
"But what if I don't want to talk about it?" The quiet question was filled with unspoken fear.
"We don't have to talk about it today," Madame Pomfrey promised. "Instead why don't you tell me a little about yourself?"
Ben looked a little unsure, "Well my Mom's name was Emily Murdock and she was muggle born…."
"No I mean tell me about you. Like what do you like to do? What's your favorite food? Color?" Madame Pomfrey cut him off gently.
Ben was a flabbergasted by this line of questioning. "Why?" he asked suspiciously.
"Why what?"
"Why do you care?"
"Ben…." Madame Pomfrey was already having a hard time keeping her promise that nothing would surprise her. "This is what people do when they care about other people. They try to learn about them and they do that by asking questions."
"But why would you care about me if you don't even know me?" The doubt in his eyes was bordering on distrust.
"That's why I'm trying to get to know you. So tell me about yourself," Madame Pomfrey finished brightly.
"All… right. I guess I like the color green…. And silver's nice too, that's what my house is mostly made of- silver and green. I like it when Dad makes me pancakes. And sometimes he puts chocolate chips into them and makes it into a smiley face which is really funny."
Madame Pomfrey smiled as Ben rushed on excitedly, detailing his life with Severus. It was if he was entire different person when he talked about Severus, Albus, Minerva, and someone named "Mr. Tuck." Madame Pomfrey supposed it let him escape his past. Ben's new identity was more of a blessing than they had even originally anticipated.
A country away in a house in the center of a field a therapy of the same sort was taking place in a kitchen covered with bright yellow, dragon filled wallpaper. "I thought you brought me here to discuss Harry's past progress," Severus scowled.
"And I thought I was here merely for a cup of tea," said Albus, in a much lighter tone from across the table, "But alas, it seems as if Tuck has another idea in mind."
The man in question was leaning against the counter, regarding his two guests at the table with a smile. "You two have some differences to work out. I figured now was as good a time as any."
Severus stood, "As endearing as this is, I really do not have the time to…"
"Severus," Albus cut him off. "Please. Tucker is correct; we have held this discussion off for far too long."
Severus's eyes flared with barely repressed anger, "I have nothing to say to you."
"Do it for Ben. He needs to see that problems can be overcome. He needs to know that you can move on from this, just like he will one day be able to move on from his childhood," Tuck said.
Severus looked at Tuck for a long moment, finally letting out a long breath and sitting. "Leave us." Tuck exited the room, casting a privacy spell to give them some space.
"I'm so sorry my dear boy…"
"I don't want your apologies," Severus cut off the man in a hiss. "You took everything from me, and you promised, you promised you would keep her safe."
Albus sighed. "I never would have thought…. Sirius Black of all people. He was the most loyal boy- it seemed like he would give his very life for Potter."
"He was a menace!" Severus roared. "How could you have trusted him- you knew what he had done- the pranks, the people he bullied, that goddamn wolf back in fifth year. He came from an entire family of death eaters!"
Albus' eyes were filled with sadness as he looked at Severus. "I didn't know," he said simply. "I couldn't have foreseen those events, and neither could you Severus. This was not your fault."
Severus was sent speechless by those words. Not his fault? He had told Voldemort the prophecy, had been the one to start his pursuit of the Potters.
Severus remembered that October 31st all too well. It was ingrained in his memory, a horror he would never forget. His mark had seared so he had gone to his master, flooing directly into the Lestrange's parlor. He had been waiting, and instantly Severus knew something was wrong.
He had only taken a step forward when he was hit with the cruciatis curse. The pain was unbearable- it felt like his bones were snapping, and his muscles were tearing, and the very blood flowing through his veins was burning with an agony so intense that all he could do was lay there and scream.
Through his screams he could hear the Dark Lord's laughter, a sickening sound. It had lost all traces of humanity long ago and was now the sound of a beast. He paused, just long enough so Severus could hear what he was saying. "You filthy little traitor, I should have known. You were always so attached to that mudblood, a blood traitor yourself. And you thought you could deceive me. You were wrong, and now you will pay- you and the mudblood."
The spell was cast and Severus writhed against the cold stone floor again, unable to breath everything hurt so bad yet all he could think about was Voldemort's words- Lily. He was going to attack Lily. Kill her.
But she's safe; a reassuring voice in the back of his head reminded him. Dumbledore had promised, and if any man could protect her from the Dark Lord it was him. No harm would come to her, or the child- Harry. With that thought Severus let the pain overtake him, letting his own consciousness drift away, become removed from everything.
When he slipped back to consciousness what felt like an eternity but was only a few minutes later it was to the sound of shouts and gleeful laughter. He felt a foot collide with his stomach and he doubled over, still feeling like his skin was burning. "Did you hear that, half-blood? We found her! That rat gave her up faster than you can say Gryffindor loyalty!" The Dark Lord laughed and Severus' heart sunk- no it wasn't possible, please no.
"In fact, I'm going to take you with me. So you can see her in her last moments, watch her beg for mercy. You chose the wrong side, Severus. And once I have taken everything from you, I will send your head as a trophy to that old man to show him what happens to spies." Hands heaved him upwards and soon he was standing, staring into the cold red eyes of his master.
They had apparated directly to the house in Godric's Hallow. Severus had been immobilized and floated helplessly behind Voldemort as the door was burst down. James Potter was the first to die. He fell fast, a shot of green light and he was still.
Severus was unable to move, unable to scream, hardly able to breath as they continues forwards into the house, shadows growing long on the darkened walls. The Dark Lord crept up the stairs, laughing as he heard muffled crying. "There's nowhere for you to hide Lily."
And then she was in the hallway, a fierce look blazing in her emerald eyes, her hair flaring out behind her. Her wand was still downstairs, sitting on the kitchen table. "Please, do anything you want to me, just please don't take my son. Don't hurt Harry…"
Her words were cut off by a cruciatis and she fell to the ground, screams filling the air as her body contorted in pain. And still, Severus was forced to watch, his eyes wide in horror as the pain overtook her. And then, just as suddenly as the last curse had been cast, a stream of green burst from Voldemort and Lily was still.
Severus' heart stopped at the same moment the woman who was his entire life did. She had died right before his very eyes. And there had been nothing he could do to stop it.
"Of course it was my fault," Severus finally bit back, shaking himself from his memories.
"You didn't know," Albus argued. "If you had known that the prophecy would lead to the Potters, you would have never reported it to him."
"It doesn't matter!" Severus shouted, feeling the rage threatening to overtake him, filling the gaping void he still felt every time he thought of her. "If I hadn't reported it, he would have never gone after them. They- Lily- would still be alive. Harry would have never met the Dursleys. Don't you see- everything is my fault!"
"My dear boy," Albus said, his voice demanding attention, "You were not the one to cast the curse. You were not the one who went to Godric's hollow that night and attempted to murder three innocent people. You were not the one who placed their trust in the wrong person. And you know, just as much as I, that the Longbottom's could have been chosen just as easily as the Potter's. Harry's story was written into fate long before you and I were even born to this planet, and I dare say that the choices of us mere mortals could hardly have changed a thing."
Silence filled the room for a long moment after Albus finished. Finally Severus broke it in a small, tired voice. "I was forced to watch. Lily's death. I had to watch it… and I couldn't move a single muscle."
"I know my dear boy, I know."
Two months had gone by but you would have thought it was a year by the rapid transformation of Severus's house.
What had once been a tidy if slightly dim place was now an explosion of disorganization and color that looked more fit for Tucker's house than Severus'. A new room had been added (with the help of Tuck's astonishing construction abilities) right next to Severus's giving Snape his old bed back. Ben's new room was filled with furniture and toys that just seemed to keep multiplying because Albus, Minerva, and Tucker brought one (or five) nearly every time they visited.
But perhaps what had undergone the most change was the boy who sat lying on the now carpeted floor playing a rather intense game of exploding snap with a wizard dressed in hot pink robes. It was getting late and every once in a while the boy would glance at the clock, looking slightly anxious for something before returning to the game with a mischievous grin as he blew up another one of Tuck's cards.
As soon as he heard the front door open Ben leapt up, leaving his cards abandoned on the floor as he ran to the door and threw himself at the man who walked through. Severus caught the boy into a hug. Ben had been doing this every time he returned from his job, Severus thought it would have gone away after he got over the novelty of having a real father to care for him but it hadn't (which was not something Severus was complaining about).
"How was work Dad?" Ben asked, dragging Severus into the living room where Tucker sat smirking at Severus. His newest form of entertainment was teasing Severus for being a "big softie." Severus tolerated it for now but only because he had a plan to wipe the smirk of his face.
"Long. You ready to go?" Ben nodded eagerly. "Now what do you say to Mr. Tucker?"
"Thanks for watching me Mr. Tuck I had tons of fun," Ben said brightly, hugging Tucker. He turned to Severus "Can we go now?"
"Of course." They walked over to the fireplace and flooed away leaving Tucker alone in their living room.
"Sure, don't mind me. I'll just show myself out," he muttered to the empty room with a smile and apparated away.
They arrived in the bright reception of Pomfrey's office and took chairs side by side as they waited for the previous patient to finish. While they waited Ben gave Severus a lengthy and excited description of what sounded like an exploding snap marathon that should have gone down in history. Behind the seemingly ordinary moves Severus could see that Ben had a strategy and that made him very proud. He was the son of a Slytherin now, after all.
The last patient walked out, smiling brightly when he saw Ben who had become nearly famous at the office as everyone loved the boy. "Bye Mr. Joe, have a nice day," Ben said to the man with his practiced adorable, sweet smile on.
Joe chuckled and looked at Severus. "What a sweet boy you've got there. You don't mind if I give him a little treat do you?"
Severus forced a tight lipped smile on his face, that manipulative little brat, "Of course."
The man pulled no less than a dozen chocolate frogs from the deep pockets of his robes and handed them to Ben, ruffling his hair that no longer half- covered his face thanks to a haircut from Minerva. "Thank you," Ben sang out gratefully, grinning mischievously at Severus who fell short of giving him a patronizing look. He had already devoured his first piece by the time Madame Pomfrey called him in.
He looked questioningly at Severus when he didn't move from the chair. "Go ahead. I believe Madame Pomfrey wishes to talk to you privately first."
Ben shrugged and walked into the office, swallowing his chocolate frog. "Hey Ms. Pomfrey."
"Hello Ben. How are you doing?"
"Pretty good. It's my birthday tomorrow! I'm turning 11." He held up his two pointer fingers to illustrate this.
"I heard! Happy birthday! Now as you know this is our last meeting, I want to know if you have any questions before you go."
Ben shook his head. "I think I'm all good now."
"Yes you are," Madame Pomfrey responded proudly, watching her patient with appraising eyes for a moment. "Now I'll leave you with this- you have many people that love you now- your Dad, Mr. Tuck, Professor Dumbledore, Professor McGonagall and even me. All of these people are willing to help you. If you have a problem, please go to one of them. Children are not meant to handle problems on their own; it's the adult's job to care for them. That being said, I do think you are ready."
"Thank you for everything. I- I'm really grateful I had you to help me out." Ben smiled shyly at Madame Pomfrey who suddenly pulled him into a big hug.
"I'm going to miss you, you little rascal. No go get your father so we can discuss a few things." Ben pulled back with a grin and scurried out of the room to fetch Severus. Pomfrey dabbed away tears as he entered.
Severus cleared his throat awkwardly, not at all prepared to deal with a crying witch. "Your boy is a wonderful person, you know that Severus?"
Severus nodded and smirked, "Yes he does seem to persuade people of that."
"You've done well with him," Pomfrey said with a sad smile, "I don't think you realize how much you helped him heal, he's an entirely different boy now."
Severus squirmed. "Yes, well I didn't help him alone." Severus studied the wall as Pomfrey looked at him with such pride. Finally he had to break the silence, "Is there a reason you called me in here?"
Madame Pomfrey either didn't notice or ignored his tone. "You are a wonderful man, Severus, taking in the child even when you know as well as I do what is part of him... what he is capable of. I'm afraid that Voldemort's grasp over him will only grow with age. He will need your help to constantly remind him who he really is. You need to be there for him Severus no matter what the circumstances, no matter how much it hurts." She cast a meaningful glance at his arm; she was perfectly aware how much it could hurt.
"I will," Severus said with an intensity that left no doubt that he meant what he said.
"I know you will," Madame Pomfrey said with a proud smile, "However, helping him will become beyond even your own ability at some point. When that time comes all you need to do is ask Severus."
Severus nodded, "Thank you."
"No thank you, that boy is finally getting the life he deserves. His treatment with me is done, but I suggest the next person he sees is Professor McGonagall."
"Minerva? She already comes over frequently and watches Ben."
"I have already discussed it with Minerva. There is something she can give him that neither of us are able to. Now go take Ben home, it's a big day tomorrow."
Severus stood. "Thank you again. You've helped my son a lot."
"Think nothing of it. Now go!" Pomfrey herded Severus out of her room and watched with a forlorn smile as Ben greeted him eagerly and they left through the fireplace. He deserved so much, but Pomfrey knew Ben's life could only be filled with danger and pain. Just like Severus, he was marked and the Dark Lord was never going to let them go. Madame Pomfrey sighed- no, the lives of Severus and Benjamin Snape were not going to be easy.
