I blink. My eyes adjust to the light in the room and I immediately notice I am alone in bed. I look at the empty space next to me. Peeta is gone, but in his place is a note. I take it and read it.
"I left before Greasy Sae would see me here."
I stare at the note, not able to pin point what bothers me about it. Peeta was right about leaving. No one needs to know we spend the night together, and leaving was the smart thing to do, but I can't help feeling a bit annoyed at the message. It's so short, so…dry. Maybe I'm over thinking this. Maybe he had to leave in a rush and wrote only what needed to be said. What needed to be said…
I shake my head and decide not to duel on this anymore. It's only a note, but I can't shake off the emptiness, the feeling of being incomplete. I sit in bed, my back to the empty side of the bed and wonder if I will feel this way from now on whenever he's not around. I hope not.
Maybe feeling this way is normal after all we shared last night. We've shared many nights together, but nothing compares to this. I replay everything in my head and the butterflies attack my stomach. I bite my lip and smile. I told him I loved him and I feel better than I have felt in a long time.
My stomach protests and I realize how hungry I am, but I don't feel like eating. Food is the least of my worries right now. I go to the bathroom and have a quick shower, wrap a towel around myself and I go downstairs. I find breakfast there, but no Greasy Sae, which is great. I don't want to see anyone right now, anyone except Peeta. The butterflies return at the thought of his name. I really need to get a hold of myself.
I grab a piece of toast just to fill the void in my stomach. I sit down to eat and can't help thinking about last night and the implications of my actions. I don't want things between us to change, at least not in an awkward way. I want things to be as natural as possible, with the added benefit of Peeta knowing I love him and whatever perks I get from that. I shake my head and laugh. There's no way things will be as they were before, but I have a feeling they'll be better, not because of the added perks, but because there are no secrets between us anymore.
I clean my plate and head to my room and stop at the doorway, staring at my bed. Messy, sheets all over the place, evidence that what happened here last night was real. The way he held me, the kisses, the touches, the words I said. "I love you." I say out loud. I love him and I know I have since the beginning. Since the cave, since the train, since I thought I had lost him. The toast does a summersault inside my stomach. I feel a little light headed and sit on the bed.
"I love him and he loves me too." I say, but it makes everything worse. I feel anxious and giddy at the same time. The room becomes stuffy and I know staying here won't do me any good. I need to see Peeta.
The clothing selection inside my closet does not help the situation at all, and I make a mental note to buy some pants and shirts. There is no way I'll wear a dress every single day, but for today and until I go shopping, a dress will have to do.
I choose a white summer dress, a light blue cardigan and the leather flats I wore on my birthday dinner. I look at myself in the mirror and decide my hair is decent enough to be down. I keep staring at myself, and reflected in the mirror, I see Peeta's hands all over me, his body against mine. I close my eyes at the thought and smile. "This has to stop!" I say to myself still looking at the mirror, and head to Peeta's house.
The door to his house might as well be on fire, since I cannot get myself to grab the doorknob and just open door. I've been standing here for like seem hours. I'll probably been here less than two minutes and I'm ready to go back home. I turn my back to the door and take a few steps, but curse under my breath and turn around again. I knock three times and wait for a response.
"It's open" Peeta yells from inside. I take a deep breath, open the door, and step in.
I can hear noises coming from the kitchen, pots and pans being moved around, and head there. I stand in the kitchen, his back to me while he works on something I can't see. He doesn't turn around to see who actually came in and I'm forced to speak first.
"Hi" I say, my voice coming out a lot softer than I intended it to. He turns around and his eyes widen in surprise. I can see his cheeks turn a little red.
"Hi" He answers back as he wipes his hands on his apron and takes it off.
We both stand there, staring awkwardly at each other, neither of us knowing what to do or say. This takes me by surprise and for a second I worry about things being this way from now on, but Peeta shakes his head and walks towards me, and I decide not to panic.
My stomach turns in anticipation of his embrace or the promise of a kiss, just like the ones we shared last night.
Peeta is in front of me now, smiling. He moves forward and kisses…my cheek. "My cheek?" I scream confused inside my head. I'm stunned, unable to move or return the kiss. I was certainly not expecting this reaction.
He looks at me and gives me small smile, and goes back to work on whatever he was working before. This is not going as I had imagined.
I take a deep breath, and sit at the table. "Maybe things are supposed to be awkward between us for a while. Maybe this is completely normal." I think "Um did you leave really early?" I ask, trying to make some conversation.
"Yes. It was still dark outside." He answers not even looking at me. Silence fills the room and minutes pass, neither of us say anything. I don't understand what is wrong. Why is Peeta acting this way?
"Is there a problem?" I ask.
No answer.
"Peeta?"
"I'm just a bit tired. I…didn't sleep well last night." He says looking over his shoulder and going back to his work.
"Forget it. I don't know why I even bothered coming over." I say as I get up from the table.
"What? What did I do wrong now?" He says frowning, sounding almost scared.
I blink fast, forcing my body to move. I can feel anger building inside me. After all that was said and done, I expected a different reaction from him. For a second I think that maybe he is as scared as I was at home, and I'm probably overreacting, but I quickly shut down the thought. I am a bit angry and I have every right to be.
I take a deep breath and look at him, not knowing exactly how to handle this or what will come out of my mouth."I…I don't know Peeta. I guess after everything that happened last night, things would be different between us." I say defensively.
His face hardens. He goes from looking scared, to looking extremely serious, maybe even angry. "Why? Why are things different now?" He says in a tone that bothers me.
I frown in confusion and disbelief. "Are you serious?" I asked sounding angry too.
"We were together" I say, trying to control my emotions.
"I know" He says, his face still wearing the same expression he had before.
"You know? You know! What kind of answer is that?" My anger keeps building up. I cannot believe this.
I clench my fists and move closer to him. Tears prickle my eyes, but I hold them back.
"I told you I loved you." I say, my eyes looking into his. I can see the color rising in his face. His nostrils flare and I know he is angry too.
"You did Katniss. You told me you loved me. Do you have any idea how long I've been waiting to hear that? Have you ever thought for how long I've dreamed of doing what we did last night?" He says trying to steady his voice.
"And we did!" I say louder than I intend too. "I don't see the problem Peeta."
For a moment he looks hurt, but he manages to change his expression.
"I stayed with you because you needed me and I didn't care about doing whatever it took to make you feel better, but the problem is Katniss that I was not expecting to hear that from you last night. God knows that's all I ever wanted to hear, but I want to hear those words while you are yourself. I want you to really mean them. That is the problem." He turns his back at me, hiding his face and the tears in his eyes.
I'm paralyzed again, trying to process Peeta's words. "Whatever it took to make me feel better? Hear those words while I'm being myself?" I rummage through my brain, trying to replay everything that happened last night. What does he mean?
"Be myself?" I ask.
"Katniss" He says turning around, his eyes to the floor, shoulders slumped. He looks defeated.
"It was your birthday…" I keep replaying last night inside my head, muting out Peeta's words."You were in pain and I don't blame you for wanting to feel better…" I close my eyes and mute out his words again.
"He held me while I cried. He got there and I was on the floor. I went upstairs and he found me inside Prim's room…Prim's room." I think, fear growing inside me. I open my eyes and allow myself to listen to him as I try to blink back the tears.
"I saw it spilled on the floor. I cleaned it up and when you woke up I…" He stops talking and my whole body goes numb. I cannot stop the tears anymore.
"Prim's room. Haymitch's bottle next to me. The alcohol spilled on the floor." I imagine the earth opening and swallowing me whole, and even after that, the pain that I feel right now would not disappear.
"You what Peeta?" I manage to say.
"I could still smell it on your breath" He sighs and moves closer to me."I can't bear to see you in pain. I wanted to be there for you and I think I was, but when you told me you loved me…I was not expecting that not last night." His eyes are red and flooded with tears. "It hurt." He says almost in a whisper.
I open my mouth to speak, but a sob escapes instead."Katniss" Peeta says as he tries to hold my hand, but I push him away.
"Don't touch me." I say defiantly. At this moment, I can't help hating him.
"Is that what you think I did? That I got drunk?"
"I never said you were drunk! I only meant that you were not yourself Katniss!" He says. I can see he is trying to control himself and remain calm. I ignore his words.
"That I drank my pain away and opened my legs so you could make it go away?" I am screaming at this point."That's a new low for me Peeta." I say wiping my nose on the sleeve of the cardigan.
"The whore in pain" I try to laugh, but it comes out as mix between a sob and a snort.
"You got farther than Gale ever did" I can see the pain in his eyes as I say this, but I don't care.
Peeta wipes the tears from his face. "That's not…that's not what I think of you at all and you know it."
"Oh and what do you think Peeta!" I scream at him and he loses it.
"Can you stop and listen to me for a second? He yells. "What was I supposed to think Katniss? Huh? Put yourself in my shoes! Have you ever done that? Do you ever stop and think about how I feel?" He is panting, angry, hurt.
I stare at him. A part of me knows that there is some truth to what he says, that he has all the right to be confused, but that part of me is not in control right now.
"Go to hell Peeta." I say and leave.
Let me know what you think. Thanks again for the reviews! They really make my day and inspire me to write more. This chapter comes to you thanks in part to Adele's version of Lovesong and Prague by Damien Rice. ;)
