Tears cloud my vision, but somehow I manage to make it home. I open the door and lock it. "He can go to hell. They can all go to hell." I think and my knees give away. My body aches and crying makes it hard to breathe. I stay there, lying on the floor, my back to the door. I feel so small, so exposed; vulnerable. I wonder if this is how it feels to have your heart broken. I have never let my guard down like this, and I hate myself for doing so. "I shouldn't have said anything. What good came from that?" I think. Yesterday was too intense and just when I resolve to move on and try to heal, today happens. I don't want to think about it anymore, just lie here and let the hours pass.
I block everything else and concentrate on the rays of sun, how they move from one side of the room to the other as the hours go by. The light gets dimmer as time passes, and my tears stop. I fall asleep. No nightmares this time. Lucky me.
Someone knocks on the door and I wake up startled. Silence, then the person knocks again.
"Katniss"
Peeta. I don't say anything. A mix of anger and longing rises inside me. "What the hell is he doing here?"
"Katniss please open the door." He knocks again, but I stay quiet.
Silence again. Minutes go by. I am about to get up and see if he left, when I feel something bump against the door. I stay where I am, dead silent, but slowly the silence is broken by the muffled sound of Peeta crying.
A thousand emotions pass through me. I want to open the door and take him in my arms and tell him that I am sorry, that I know he didn't mean to hurt me, that I understand that he is confused; that I love him. That is what Peeta would do. He would forget his anger and hold me and everything would go away. "Stop it! Stop that now!" Tears fill my eyes and fall down my face, but I don't move. I'm hurt and angry, and a part of me feels satisfied that he is hurting too; content that he is outside my door and I don't have to be on my own, that the pain I feel is big enough for both of us. "What kind of monster am I?" I think, but there's no answer. Not even I know how broken I am.
At some point Peeta stops crying, and silence creeps on me. I'm afraid. "Since when silence scares you so much" I ask myself, but it's not silence what scares me. What scares me is the idea that loneliness is filled with silence, and I don't want to be alone.
I wonder if he left. I sit up and silently move closer to the door. I press my temple against it and touch the wood with my hand, as if the warmness of his body could seep through it and tell me he is there, but of course, I don't feel anything.
The silence is broken by steps outside. I sit up straight and listen. "Did he leave and I just didn't notice? Is he back?"
"What are you doing here boy?" It's Greasy Sae's voice.
"I've been waiting for Katniss, but she won't open the door." Peeta says in a small voice.
"How long have you been here?" Peeta doesn't say anything.
"Did you two get into a fight? Greasy asks, but there's no answer from Peeta.
"Go home and get some rest boy. She'll come around. You'll see."
Peeta bumps against the door again and sighs.
"Do you want some dinner? I brought enough food for both of you." She tells Peeta.
"No thanks, that's ok." He says. I listen as he walks away and a knot forms in my throat.
"Poor lad" Sighs Greasy and knocks on my door. I don't answer and she leaves.
Greasy Sae's words make me angry. Why poor lad? She doesn't even know what happened and it's already on Peeta's side.
Peeta. I think about him sitting outside my door, crying, waiting for me; and my eyes fill with tears again. This day has been too much, I've felt too much and all I want to do right now is sleep, sleep and dream of nothing. I get up from the floor and go to the kitchen. I rummage through the cupboard and find my mom's sleep serum. I take it with me and go to my room, thinking that maybe a hot shower will help.
I shower and hear the phone ringing as I get dressed. I don't think about it twice and run downstairs to pick it up.
"Katniss" It's Peeta. I hang up and go back to my room. The sound of his voice makes the butterflies return to my stomach, but I ignore them. I grab the bottle of sleep serum and drink from it. I'm grateful to have this; no nightmares tonight. I try to clear my head and not think about Peeta, but deep inside I can't help wishing he was here with me.
The pain from hunger wakes me up and I remember I barely ate yesterday. I feel better than I did hours ago, not as emotional or sad, but not great either, just better. I get up from bed and go downstairs. No breakfast; I remember I locked the door and there was no way for Greasy Sae to get in. I curse under my breath; there is no food in the house. Sure I hunt, but all this time I've relied on Greasy Sae and Peeta for cooking and never cared about keeping food in the house. This irritates me. There's no way I'm asking Peeta for bread, and I feel kind of embarrassed for locking the door and leaving Greasy out, so I won't ask her for food. I don't feel like going to the Hob either, which leaves hunting and maybe gathering some stuff in the woods.
I change into my hunting gear and open the door to leave. Right outside my door I see a basket, its contents covered with cloth. I kneel and remove the fabric. Inside there are freshly baked cheese buns, and my stomach protests at the sight. I stand up and look around; there is no one in sight. I walk away and leave them there. "I hope he's watching. He is so wrong if he thinks he can buy me with cheese buns." I think cynically, but the reasonable Katniss thinks he knows I probably have nothing to eat, and there's no hidden meaning behind his gesture, but I ignore her once more.
I spend the day at the woods. I get a decent haul and gather some roots and greens; no squirrels. I cook a rabbit for myself along with roots and greens, and eat as I look to the lake; not thinking about anything or anyone, feeling almost peaceful. I needed this.
I make my way back to the Victor's Village and stop at Greasy's house to leave the rest of my haul. She's outside, watering the plants around her house.
"I brought you some rabbits." I say with a smile, getting the rabbits out the game bag and showing her to them.
"Good. I think I'll make a rabbit stew for supper." She grabs them and puts them on the ground.
"I locked the door last night and forgot to unlock it in the morning. Sorry about that." I say sheepishly.
"It's ok girl. I imagined you had your reasons." She says looking at me.
"I did."
"Peeta was waiting outside you know." She continues to water her plants.
I can feel my face turning red at the mention of his name. "He was? Well, that's his problem, I didn't ask him to wait." I say not looking at her.
She chuckles. "I don't know what that boy did, but I don't think it could have been that bad. He loves you."
"Again, that is his problem." This time I look at her as I say this.
"Don't break his heart Katniss." She says in a tone that makes me feel guilty. Her words rub me the wrong way. I don't need her to tell me what I can and can't do.
"What about my heart?" I answer defensively and turn to leave.
"See you for supper girl" She yells and I keep waking.
I stop in my tracks when I see Peeta walking to Haymitch's house, but he doesn't see me. As soon as he goes in, I run and go home. I notice the basket of cheese buns is gone. I get in and lock the door again, just in case he decides to stop here, although I doubt he will.
I'm not ready to see him or talk to him yet, so I call Greasy Sae and tell her I have some food left from the woods in my game bag, which I don't, and I'll skip supper tonight.
"I'm going to lock the door tonight. Can I go over to your house in the morning and have breakfast there?" I ask shyly.
"Sure, whatever you want girl."
"Thanks. See you tomorrow then." I say and hang up.
"Another hungry night" I think and go upstairs to shower.
I change into my pajamas, even though it's not dark outside. The phone rings, but I ignore it. Whoever it is, I don't feel like talking to anyone. I rub my temples and feel a headache coming on, so I go downstairs to grab a glass of water and an aspirin.
Someone knocks on the door and my stomach turns.
Silence. Another knock, then silence again. I walk as fast and quiet as possible to the window and peek through the curtain. I see Peeta walking away and my heart skips a beat.
I sit on the couch and hug my knees to my chest. I breathe deeply and close my eyes, thinking about everything that happened the night of my birthday, how things were almost perfect. I think about what happened the next day, and repeat over and over the same words, how he feels I never put myself in his shoes. The knot in my throat returns. "How would I feel if I loved him for so long and one night, out of the blue, he tells me he loves me?" I ask myself, but stop before I can answer the question; I probably won't like the answer.
He said I never think about how he feels. "He's wrong." I think and get up from the couch, suddenly tired of thinking. The hunt probably contributed to my fatigue, so I go upstairs and get in bed. I see the sleep serum on my nightstand and drink from the bottle again. This, combined with the aspirin will ensure I don't wake up all night, or dream about anything.
When I wake up my whole body aches and it's hard to move my limbs. I look at the clock on my nightstand and see it's almost noon. I remind myself never to mix aspirins and sleeping serum again. I get up from bed and go straight to the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. I don't feel like showering, so I walk to the closet and grab one of the countless sundresses I have there; a green one this time.
My hair is a mess. I braid it, put on my flats and head to Greasy Sae's house. I hope there is some leftover breakfast or she already has lunch ready. I'm starving.
I knock on her door and she tells me to come in. I head to the kitchen, but stop before I even get there. Peeta is here too.
Thanks for the reviews and for adding my story to your favorites! Now I feel like I really need to deliver! Not a very eventful chapter, but I didn't want to keep you waiting. It was hard moving away from the fight, but music always comes to my rescue and after hours and hours of listening to Sia's I Go To Sleep (even when I went to sleep!) I was finally inspired enough to write this. Chapter 7 coming soon!
