The light outside gets dimmer as the minutes goes by. I lie in bed replaying over and over my conversation with Haymitch. I wanted to be mad at him, and I was, but there is no point. He is right and I hate to admit it. I wanted to be mad at Greasy Sae for not minding her own business, but she cares about us. And I wanted to be mad at Peeta, for hurting me, but he was as hurt as I was. I see that now, maybe I saw it that day too, but it was easier to close myself again and runaway.
It would be easier. If I could just erase everything I feel and go away, start over. I can't help imagining how would it feel to be someone else, to be another girl in another district, living another life; or still be me, living a life with no Hunger Games. How would it be? Would Peeta talk to me? Would he ever tell me he loves me? Or would he go on living his life and never say anything? And who would I love?
"Probably Gale" The thought alone makes me feel uncomfortable. The games did happen, I'm not living another girl's life and my heart belongs to someone else.
I turn on my back and look at the ceiling. "Wouldn't be the first time" Haymitch's words were harsh, but true. I used Peeta in the past. I pretended to be in love with him once... "Was I really pretending?" I ask myself. Why would he think it was any different this time?
I curl up in bed and think about the time I thought I had lost Peeta, how I let him go and how he came back to me. I won't be able to do it now. I can't let him go. I can't lose him again. .
If I could only go to his house and apologize it would all be over; if he forgives me, that is. I've hurt him enough for him to hate me, and yet he doesn't. He even came by and tried talking to me…and I pushed him away.
Night falls and I'm still here, curled up in bed thinking how to go back to what we had. Even before this mess we had something, we had each other. What do we have now and what can I save before it's too late? One way or another I need to make my way back to Peeta. I'm back at square one.
My stomach grumbles and the pain of hunger takes me away from my thoughts. I realize the room is in complete darkness. How many hours have I been here?
I get up from bed to turn on the light and remember I was supposed to call Greasy Sae. I go downstairs and dial her number. "Maybe Peeta will be there" I feel the butterflies again.
"Hey. It's me"
"Are you coming over for supper?" She asks. I bite my lip.
"Are you…alone?" I ask in a quiet voice.
"Peeta came by a couple of hours ago if that is what you're asking. I don't think he'll be back tonight."
Disappointment washes over me "It's ok. I'm not hungry anyway." I lie.
"I'll leave the door unlocked tonight." I say.
"Sleep well girl."
I thank her and hang up. Until that phone call, I hadn't realized how much I wanted to see him, even if he ignored me like he did this morning. Maybe I deserved that.
The house feels too big and lonely. I go my room, turn off the light and go straight to bed. I think about the bottle of sleep serum, still on my nightstand, but decide not to drink from it tonight. I want to take a chance and go to sleep thinking about him, right here with me, his arms around me, protecting me from the nightmares that hunt my nights.
And sure enough, I dream about Peeta
I'm in the woods and see them not too far from me. Two naked bodies tangled, lying on a bed of moss. I walk towards them, trying not to make a sound, and notice the woods are in complete silence, except for the moans coming from them. Her body hides his face, but I know that is Peeta trapped under her legs. I hide behind a tree, watching them; my breathing becomes ragged as I get closer.
I can't take my eyes from them. The way her dark hair falls down her back like a cascade, how her back arches every time her hips move against him, the way his hands trace the curve of her breasts, and push her closer to him, deeper. Her dark hair reminds me of my own "That is…me." My eyes widen in surprise and heat spreads through my body. We never got that far, and I feel a pang of envy towards the Katniss of my dream. I get closer. My lips part, I'm mesmerized by the rhythm of our bodies, skin against skin. I want to see his face while he is inside me. I want to see myself the way he sees me.
His eyes are closed. He breathes hard, making low sounds in his throat that make me hungry for his touch. "I need to get closer" I whisper by mistake, making her aware of my presence. Her eyes fix on me and hold me where I stand watching, unable to move. Clove grins at me as she slashes Peeta with her knife.
A silent scream is caught in my throat. Peeta. The blood gushing from his wound; her terrible grin before she makes the final move. My mind orders my body to react, to gag at the image, but my I'm paralyzed, as if her eyes still had power over me.
"It was a nightmare! It was a nightmare!" I hear the screams inside my head and blink. My eyes scan my surroundings and I realize where I am, breaking the hold of her glare. I repeat to myself that it was just a nightmare. I'm in my room. Peeta is at his house, safe.
Finally my breathing goes back to normal and I sit in bed. I should have drunk the sleeping serum. "Taking a chance" I laugh at my own stupidity; as if I could control my dreams.
A heavy sigh escapes my lips. I close my eyes, thinking how the nightmare started. I feel my body tingle at the thought of Peeta's body; the way his muscles flexed under her weight, how his face contorted with pleasure, how he touched her. Her. The thought alone makes my body burn with a different fever. Jealousy. I want to be the only one he touches, the only one he kisses. He is mine.
I pace the room. "Jealous of Clove?" The whole thing is completely irrational. Clove is dead…but there are others. Any girl would be lucky to have Peeta fall in love with her.
"You could live a hundred lifetimes and don't deserve him" Haymitch's words ring in my ears. Peeta deserves someone better, someone who won't lie or use him. He deserves someone who thinks the sun rises and sets on him, someone who loves him.
"Someone like me" I tell myself. Does this make me selfish? I guess, but I dismiss it. I love him. I'm going to prove Haymitch wrong. I am going to prove Peeta wrong. I can put myself in his shoes. I can understand how he feels. I love him and he needs to know it's true. "I need to tell him."
I take a look outside the window and see the night is unusually dark. No moonlight. I take this as a sign, no one will see me, and even if they do, right now I couldn't care less.
I grab my hunting jacket and put it over the green sundress, the same one I've been wearing since yesterday. The house is in complete darkness, but I don't dare turn on the lights in case the brightness makes me come back to my senses. I manage to get downstairs in one piece. My hand grabs the doorknob and I hesitate for a minute. I close my eyes and open the door. "There's no going back" I tell myself as I step outside in the middle of the night and make my way to Peeta's house.
Thanks again for the reviews, for adding my story to your favorites and for all the alerts! They really make my day :D This chapter is a bit slow, but we are getting there (I want them to make up too!) Let me know what you think. I really appreciate the feedback. I won't be home during the weekend and probably will not update until next week, but I'm working on Chapter 9 Coming Soon!
