Peeta's house is in complete darkness, except for the light coming from his room. The house looks intimidating from outside, but I assume that's normal, given what I'm about to do. This could go really really well, or horribly wrong.
This is completely insane. I walk up to the door and turn the doorknob. Unlocked.
An unlocked door and a dark night; two good signs that I'm supposed to do this, or so I tell myself. I'm glad our houses are the same on the inside, I'll have to go upstairs through the same darkness I had back home.
I find the stairs. I touch the walls and hold on to the handrails, until I make it to the second floor. His door is ajar, a dim light seeps through the small opening. I take a deep breath and step in.
The door squeaks and I freeze, but he doesn't move. A lamp on his nightstand illuminates the room, casting shadows everywhere. I take small steps, trying not to make a sound.
The night is unusually silent, I can hear the war inside my stomach between the pain of the hunger I've been ignoring and the butterflies that attack every time Peeta comes to mind, except right now he's right in front of me, sleeping. I ignore both and walk as silently as possible, not wanting to scare him, until I stand next to his bed.
Peeta lies on the bed, his back to the door. A thick blanket covers his legs and up to his waist. He is shirtless, and even in the dim light, I notice the muscles on his back…his strong arms.
I move to the end of the bed and watch him sleep. He looks tense, uncomfortable; as if his body is being forced to sleep against his will. From here, I notice something on his nightstand. I squint, trying to make out the shape, but it's hidden under the shadows cast by the lamp. A hint of orange peaks my curiosity and I move closer.
A bottle. I grab it and recognized it at once. I had one of these, but its contents disappeared long ago; or better said, I took them all long ago. Sleeping pills; prescribed by Dr. Aurelius. Peeta never mentioned taking these.
I put the bottle back on the nightstand and sit on the edge of the bed, not longer worried about scaring him or waking him up; these knock you out pretty bad. No wonder his body looks so stiff.
Disappointment and relief hit me both at once. I wanted to do this tonight. I needed to this tonight while I had the courage, even though I was a bit scared.
I run my hand through his hair. "Why do you have to make this harder than it is?" I ask a sleeping Peeta. "I wanted to be done with this tonight you know." I sigh. My hand traces the back of his neck, down to his shoulders, his arms.
There's a faint scent of cinnamon and dill, Peeta's scent. I breathe it in and make my way back to his hair. I stroke his cheek and run my fingers along his jaw line, the soft skin of his lips.
As if by instinct, my own lips part. I close the space between us, and kiss him, a part of me wishes the kiss wakes him up.
A small tremor runs through his body. I panic and sit up straight in bed. "Is he waking up?"
I wait, but nothing happens.
Peeta is still asleep, his body as rigid as before. Out of the corner of my eye I notice the bottle of sleeping pills reminding me that Peeta is gone for the night, there's no way he is waking up.
My heartbeat goes back to normal and I relax enough to sit closer to him. "This is Peeta. Why have I been so scared all this time? Why am I scared now?" Precisely because of that, this is Peeta. I have no defenses against him, and I know he is the only person who can either make me happy or hurt me the most. Knowing someone has that power over you, knowing that he has that power over me is nothing but scary.
There is enough space for me to lie next to him, and I do. I get as close as I can, our noses almost touching; our breaths becoming one every time we breathe. I take his arm and place it over my waist, the same way he did so many times before.
I revisit our days in the train, but those memories seem to belong to a past that happened long ago, between another Katniss and another Peeta; sadness washes over me. "We've changed" I think, longing for the past.
Out of nowhere, the memory of my birthday comes to mind. Yes, we've changed, but we are still here, we have new memories and we can make many more. This does it.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I say to Peeta, as if he could hear me. "I…I lost it that day. You have no idea how hard was telling you how I felt, and when you didn't believe me…" I swallow hard, forcing myself not to cry. I'm tired of tears.
"But I understand why you didn't believe me and you are wrong. You are so wrong! I do care about how you feel. That's why I'm here."
"I love you" I say in a whisper. "And I was too scared to tell you, I was afraid of admitting to myself, but I'm not scared anymore…at least not right now" "while you are sleeping" I add in my head. "I love you and you have to believe me." I plead and kiss him again. We stay like this, close to each other, the weight of his arm over me, until I can't fight sleep anymore and close my eyes.
I can feel the light through my eyelids. It seems I've been here only minutes, but the warm light on my face tells me it has been longer. "It's morning" I open my eyes in shock and a blue flash passes before my eyes. I blink, trying to adjust my vision. Just seconds ago I swear I saw Peeta's eyes staring back at me.
I sit up in bed, and watch him. He looks as rigid and uncomfortable as before; he is still asleep. I get up from bed and look outside.
"How long have I been here?"
I take one last look at Peeta, making sure he still asleep before I take off.
Chapter 9 Peeta's Point of View
I've been tossing and turning in bed for at least two hours, unable to sleep, just like I couldn't sleep the night before, or the night before that. This whole misunderstanding with Katniss is driving me crazy, and the fact the she won't talk to me makes everything worse.
Who am I kidding, talk? She won't even be in the same room with me.
The scene this morning at Greasy Sae's house replays in my head, how she was about to leave the moment she saw me. If I could only go back to the morning she went to my house after we…I shouldn't have said anything. I was mad, confused, angry, and I was stupid. I should have known better.
Katniss has told me over and over how she is not good with words. She would have never said…what she said if she didn't mean it.
I screwed up. I was taken aback by her words, I refused to believe them. I told myself again and again that it was the alcohol; that she wasn't herself. What an ass. I hurt her and she hates me for it. Now she won't listen to me. There's no point in trying anymore; that would only make her angrier.
I just need to suck it up and "wait for her. She'll come around" Haymitch's voice says inside my head. That's what I should do, but every night I fantasize about what I would say to her, how we would make up. The scene is always different; at her house, in the woods…in my bedroom, but the words are always the same.
I won't push her, but if she would listen to me, at least for a minute, I would tell her how sorry I am. I would tell her I believe her, I believe her and I love her and I can't stand being away from her; it was hard before, and after we…I can't even say it.
I try not to think about that night. Not being able to touch her, to kiss her; it has been unbearable. I would tell her how much I need her. "Saying all that would take more than a minute" I try to joke without success. I just need to get some sleep and not think about any of this.
Yeah. I really suck at sucking it up.
There's only one way I can sleep all night; the pills. Right after I came back from the Capitol, Dr. Aurelius gave me some sleeping pills. I used them once or twice, but avoid them as much as I can. The feeling of numbness after taking them reminds me of things I rather forget, but I haven't slept in two nights.
I turn on the lamp next to my bed, grab a flashlight I keep inside the nightstand drawer and go downstairs. There is something about bright lights in the middle of the night, just like the numbness of the pills; they remind me of things I don't want to think about. I prefer the flashlight.
Inside the cupboard, way to the back, I find the orange bottle. I don't even bother grabbing a glass of water and head back upstairs.
As I'm about to go inside my room, I hear a sound coming from the door. I turn off the flashlight, move closer to the stairs and wait.
The door opens, and in the dark, helped by dim light of the lamp post outside, I see a figure coming inside. Dark hair, a hint of green, barely visible, "the green sundress" I think. Katniss.
I sprint into my room trying not to make a sound. I get under the covers, the bottle of pills still in my hand. My heart races; I put the bottle on the nightstand and stand still. "Think. Think. Think"
A million questions bombard my mind. "What is she doing here? Is she ok? Is she scared?" I can feel my heartbeat in my ears. I listen in case she makes a sound, but the pounding in my ears makes it harder. I try to breathe slowly "don't be such a wimp."
The door squeaks and I know she is here.
My body is rigid. "Close your eyes! Close your eyes!" I scream to myself. I pretend to be asleep, hoping to look as natural as possible, but I bet I'm doing an awful job.
I feel the light shifting as she gets closer.
Crap. Crap. Crap.
Katniss is now beside my bed. The pills rattle inside the bottle. She must have grabbed it…maybe she thinks I took one. Good. "This is good, right?"
The bed dips as she sits next to me. Her hand touches my hair, then moves down my back; my arms. I remind myself to breathe.
"Why do you have to make this harder than it is? I wanted to be done with this tonight you know." She says to me and I'm even more clueless now. "What should I do?"
She traces her way back through my arms and touches my face, my lips. I feel her body leaning into mine, moving closer, and she kisses me.
My body trembles and I can't help it. She gasps and moves away.
"Do I just pretend to wake up? Think damn it!"
We stand still, neither of us moving, probably waiting for each other's reaction. I guess she thinks I won't wake up and moves closer to me.
"Oh God" She lies in bed next to me. I can feel her breath in my face.
She speaks. Katniss tells me she is sorry, that she knows how I feel, that she loves me; and I just want to take her in my arms and kiss her and tell her that I love her too.
But I don't do any of this. This is Katniss and I know her well. She'll be mad at me for pretending to be sleeping. I can't risk that. I don't want her to go. If this is all I can have from her right now, I'll take it. "She'll come around" Haymitch's voice insists.
She takes my arm and wraps herself around it, just like I used to do. "I love you" she says and kisses me again, but I don't move. Maybe I'm doing everything wrong. Maybe I should just open my eyes and tell her how much I love her, and hold on to her if she tries to run away, but I don't.
I ignore her words, put them in the back of my mind and hide them there. I can't think about this right now without doing something stupid.
We stay like this; both in silence, until she falls asleep. I open my eyes and look at her. I've missed her so much, and now she's here. There's no way I'll sleep tonight.
Morning comes, and I can barely feel my limbs. I haven't moved once since she came here, but it was worth it. I've been watching her sleep, thinking about what I'll do, what I'll say. To be honest, I've got nothing; no plan, no idea about what will happen next. I weigh my options, either I don't mention tonight and try to apologize again or come clean and tell her I…
Without warning, Katniss opens her eyes.
I try to close mine as fast as I can, but I feel it is too late. She sits in bed, waiting for my reaction. I hold my breath.
She gets up from the bed and leaves the room.
I'm still paralyzed when I hear the door downstairs. She's gone.
I open my eyes and let out the breath I've been holding. I finally let myself think about her words and what they mean.
"She loves me. Katniss loves me." I take this in, and repeat the words over and over in my head. I thought I believed her before, but now…I'll never doubt it again.
If I was clueless before, I am totally lost now.
Hi! Thanks again for the reviews, adding the story to your favorites and all the alerts! I love seeing them in my inbox! Sorry for making you wait, but I've been really busy. I know some of you think the story is moving too slow, but I feel Katniss is not the kind of person who accepts her mistakes right away (I was giving her time to get there.) The ball is in Peeta's court now (even if Katniss doesn't know it) and I feel like he should make the next (and maybe the last) move. What do you think? I'm open to ideas!
