I felt eyes on my back as I scrubbed the dishes. Let's just say, cooking is not a strength of mine. Over boiled onigiri being the only thing I can make, our dinner options were limited. I wonder if Ichinose can cook.
"I apologize for that." I murmured, disappointed in myself.
Footsteps padded across linoleum until a slender pair of arms snaked around my stomach. My embarrassment never ends lately, as my cheeks went red, my body stiffened, not used to the idea of being touched without malicious intentions, a chin rested on my shoulder.
"Thank you, Tokaku. It was very nice. Tomorrow if we go shopping, I can make curry."
My ears perked, a grin twitching onto my face. "When did you learn how?"
"Hmm," the vibrations from her throat raised goosebumps on my skin, "In Home Ec. It's all I ever saw you eat, so I requested we learn the recipe. Figured I'd make it someday, out of gratitude."
"We can go...I mean, we'll need to buy clothes anyways." I glanced at the clock, "We should sleep. You need rest." A nod, "I'll take the couch."
"You don't have to."
I know that. Of course, I know that. But I can't. Not yet. The way I avoided her gaze must've communicated something honest in my mixed up ball of emotions because Haru understood, at least part of it.
Breath tickled my skin, "I love you." A pause, "When you're ready."
I turned, pressing my mouth to hers lightly. "I shouldn't be able to do that...I need to redeem myself, somehow. I need to know that I can be something other than a murderer."
"Become a police officer." For some reason, the fact that Haru had thought about me having a normal life before now was surprising. But it also filled some empty spot in my gut. She wanted us. I wanted us too.
"That sounds appropriate." Saving lives. I can absolve my legacy of horror, using the skills they've drilled into my skull. "I'll call the chairwoman in the morning."
Haru let go of me, going to get ready for bed. I was used to hearing the domesticity of her nightly routine, but now it wasn't just background noise, it was reassurance. I followed in suit, going to the dresser drawers to find that all our belongings had been brought from the dorms. Grabbing a pair of shorts and a grey T-shirt. Rather than waiting or taking the bathroom from Ichinose, I simply changed into them there.
From where I stood, through the cracked bathroom door she stared at her reflection with a bothered expression. My curiosity peaked, watching, I realized she was shirtless, eyeing her scars, and the slightly swollen area around the stitched wound I'd given her.
She noticed me, quickly tried pull her shirt over her head ending up yelping in pain, I rushed forward, taking hold of the fabric, lifting it until her arms were free.
Haru opened her mouth to say something, but closed it rethinking her words before deciding on the unconvincing, "I'm okay."
Back turned so as not to invade her privacy anymore than that, but the smell of blood had me in a worried state. Haru just got out of the hospital and here you go already sending her back! "No, you're not. Sit down so I can check your stitches." Haru reluctantly did so, taking a deep breath which I punctuated with, "Sorry for spying."
Rummaging through the cabinet for the first aid kit, she mumbled, "It's my own fault. I started over thinking is all."
"About?" It was less like a kit, more like a paramedic's bag. I routed around for the supplies required to clean her up, hoping we wouldn't end back in the ER.
She shook her head lightly before telling me anyways, "Whether my body is too marred for you to be happy seeing it.."
"No." I answered, meeting her eyes, not giving her any time to continue, "It isn't marred. Your scars are not ugly, they are a window to your hardships, one I can only glance through. I don't understand how to communicate how I feel. We were never allowed to speak or form bonds. I apologize for not saying it, but I've never been in love. I am trying to honor you though."
My hands nimbly ripped open the sterilized packet containing a piece gauze soaked in cleanser, gently dabbing at the area where little droplets of crimson pooled to see that only one string had popped it's placement. I sighed in guilt & relief at the same time.
Haru looked at the tiled floor self consciously. "Are we good?"
I nodded, "You popped one, but as long as the others stay in you'll be alright." My fingers pinched the thread, painlessly removing it.
"Tokaku?"
"Hmm?"
"You don't have to be nervous." My movements ceased for a split second before applying disinfectant. She didn't even bat an eye at the alcohol wipe. To be expected when you've practically grown up with defensive wounds.
My heartbeat resounded in my ears, but persevering I spread ointment over the area. I felt different, like the domesticity had awakened a new array of emotions within me. It was odd. Nevertheless, with a bandage secured in place, I had the excuse to wait outside, but when I didn't respond, Haru reached out to take my hand, repeating herself. "You don't need to be nervous to touch me. Your fingers are shaking." She was right. Trembling against her skin, she set my palm on her cheek. It was warm. Mine must've been on fire.
Words poured forth without a filter, "Isn't it right to be terrified by the person whom is claiming all your firsts?" I could name so many.
First friend. First love. First kiss. First hug. First time holding hands. First person to insist on using my name. First time I was jealous of someone. First breath of fresh air apart from the stench of trained killers. First person to make me feel anything other than apathetic indifference.
First person that ever made me feel normal. Like I knew what 'home' meant.
"Tokaku?" "What?" "You're crying."
"I'm sorry." My head hung of it's own accord.
To be vulnerable has always carried shame when born of Azuma descent. An heir was to be perfect in our line of work. To be perfect, you were uninvolved and unnoticed, quick, clean, and precise. Mistakes cost dearly.
"Don't do that," Haru's calm voice almost made the pain unbearable. Still, I forced silence. "Don't push away from me. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." Releasing my hand, she moved my chin to face her, bringing us together again. I swear her lips could've destroyed me. If I hadn't been so confused, we could've done this a long time ago.
I think she wanted to.
There were bits of salt spread between us. All of this...I needed more. Now's not the time though. I'm still too afraid. I don't deserve her.
Ichinose must've forgotten her insecurity in my blur of emotions because there was no time to question. She pulled me to her even as my body betrayed me, breaking into fits. I kissed the fresh bandage, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
She slid from the toilet to the floor with me, still shirtless, but ultimately unfazed as I buried myself in her neck trying to appease the ugly thoughts in my mind by showing my ardor, kissing her collarbone as if my fragile existence might harm her any more. Arms secured me to her chest. We stayed like that for a long time. Until the self-reproach subsided.
When my eyes had dried Haru whispered to me, "Are you tired yet?"
"Yeah." I mumbled.
"Where do you want to sleep?"
There was only one answer now. There was no use in hiding it. Not waiting, I stood, steadying myself. I easily lifted Haru, bridal style, making my way to the king size bed, though not before hitting the light switch. Once Haru had sunk into the sheets, my body curled up to her.
She lay on her side with my face resting on her naval, holding her waist as she pulled the covers over us, stroking my hair.
"I love you. I didn't say it back, but I love you. Don't leave. I love you." My lamentations faded as my mind became fuzzy.
It was my first full night unawakened by terrors since Ichinose had been hospitalized.
As daylight approached, I woke at 6 am sharp, like clockwork. We were still tangled together, however she continued breathing steadily, not wishing to wake her, I planted a peck on her jaw before contorting myself free. It was peculiar how yesterday morning I was flustered at the idea of sleeping in the same bed, but now it seemed so much less intimate than my outburst. I would've stayed there, in blissful unproductivity if it weren't for my newfound determination to make her whimsied musings reality.
I was going to join law enforcement.
To do that, I had to keep in shape. I had that endeavor completed, but without routine, my muscle mass would dwindle. So, in spite of myself I pulled on my favorite boots and snuck out the door with my new key & passcodes stuffed in my short pockets next to my phone. It comforted my conscience when the bolt clicked back into place automatically as the door swung shut.
She'll be fine. No one knows who we are yet.
Exiting the building, I started looking for guide signs, eventually stumbling upon one leading to a park. Seeming like a good place to workout, I followed them.
My pace picked up from a light jog to full on running. Mondays & Wednesdays are in the gym. Tuesdays, Thursdays, Saturdays are a 10 kilometer run. Sundays are weapons training.
Good thing it's the weekend.
45 minutes later, I finished with stretches, then my daily muscle exercises: pushups, crunches, curls. The works. It was my training from Private Academy 17 that instilled this schedule.
7:18 am, I stumbled across a flower shop on the way back. The employees weren't satisfied by a sweat covered 16 year old ordering a bouquet of indigo & red flowers.
When they handed me fake ones my mood became sour. "I didn't come in here for My eyes bore holes through the manager. "I'll pay when you fulfill my request properly."
The man took a defensive stance, his arms crossing his chest. "I doubt you have enough yen."
A scowl. "I have enough."
"I'm not going to clip live flora for some kid that can't afford it."
"Get the owner on the phone then."
So I waited another ten minutes, hoping Haru was still sleeping. I won't accept any less than the best for her. When he finally came back, someone followed him. Someone I recognized. "Hanabusa?"
Last time we'd seen each other was our fight. It seemed as though she'd had her prosthetics repaired. Her eyes lit up with the same realization, she looked at the manager, "Go do as you were asked." She shooed him away with the fakes. "Azuma. You look well, what ever happened to the class?"
I scratched the back of my neck, "Haru is graduating & she wants to give everyone else their diplomas at a celebration." I left it at that, still too afraid to admit what I had done.
"Hm?" Curiosity piqued, "So, do the two of you have a date later?"
Heat rose to my cheeks. "Um...kind of."
The man was thoroughly displeased when he handed me the wrapped bouquet. I reached for the money clip in my boot, but Sumireko held up her hand, "No, no. Consider it a favor."
"A favor?" She sensed my reluctance.
"When the time comes, I would like to be repaid with advice and perhaps assistance."
"I'm not very good with advice, but I guess so..." I trailed.
She nodded, "You still have more experience in the area than I. I would like help with Mahiru."
"Okay..?" I paused, letting it hit me, "Ooooohhhhh. I get it. Yeah, I mean, I can try." Hanabusa has taken a liking to Banba.
A nod, "Well, I don't expect you to be the only one helping." Sumireko held out a card with her phone number. "Tell Miss Ichinose to give me a call for the meet up."
"Alright, we'll get back to you." We shook on it and I set out, taking to a run once again.
Please be sleeping. Thundering up the steps instead of waiting for the elevator, and tapping in codes as fast as I could it was 7:45 by the time I stuck my key in the lock. I took a caught my breath before turning it, opening the door as silently as I could to see Haru turning under the covers.
A sigh of relief escaped. I kicked off my shoes, tip toeing to the edge. The mattress sunk under me as I leaned down to press kiss her, anxious but also happy, excited. "Good morning, love." She groaned, pecking my lips back sleepily.
"Morning." Her arms tried me down.
"You don't want to lay with me right now." I resisted, staying where I sat. "I'm sweaty and gross."
"I don't care." Muffled back.
I smiled lightly, "I got you something."
Her eyes opened slowly, blinking away her tiredness. "Where'd you go?"
"For a run. I saw Hanabusa." This caused Haru to sit up. "Seems she owns at least one shop in the area." I picked up the flowers I'd gotten to show her.
"For me?" I nodded. "Thank you!"
"I thought I'd get in the shower then we can go find a shopping center." Haru beamed at me. It felt good. "Can I have another kiss?" I've never wanted to be so completely consumed by a person before, but after last night's reassurance, I knew. I'm not going anywhere without her.
We were an odd pair: the textbook pessimist and the nauseatingly optimistic.
