Thanks for the replies:) I do not own CSI, and if I did, there would be no such thing as GSR -- it would all be Snickers and YoBling, baby!
CSICSICSICSICSI
"I lied," she said again, breathing deeply. "I hate it, but I can't stop."
"Sara, whatever you lied about, I'm sure you had your reasons," Nick tried to reassure her. "I know you."
"How can you really know a liar?" she questioned. "I feel like I don't even know myself."
Nick cupped her chin in his hand and forced her to meet his gaze. "You might not feel like you know yourself, but I do. I know you." He pointed to her heart, "I know the real you. Not the person that you present at work. Not the tough woman who doesn't take crap from anyone. I mean, you are tough and you don't take crap from anyone, but I know that there is more to you than that. I know the Sara that is thoughtful, kind, giving, generous and loving. The one who goes out of her way for those around her to make them feel better even when she's the one who needs it," he remembered back to when the team had been split up.
He had been able to see that she was going through something emotional, and although he wanted to reach out to her, he hadn't known how. Sure, he was the people person of the team, but that was with victims. People that he hadn't known. He knew Sara, and she was not one to break down easily. He knew it was big, and he secretly feared that he wouldn't be able to help her - only hinder her. And then he'd been kidnapped. And she was always there for him. Sometimes he'd call her, needing some company and she'd come without a moments hesitation, dropping everything for him. Sometimes she'd just show up, unannounced, but somehow, knowing that he needed someone. Her. Sometimes he would do his best to push her away, but she wouldn't leave. She'd give him his space, and wouldn't press him to talk, but she wouldn't leave him alone. It was during this time that he realized his feelings for her went beyond friendship. He knew he loved her, but he wasn't in the right frame of mind to even consider anything romantic with her. And if she didn't reciprocate his feelings, he wouldn't have been able to handle the rejection. But slowly, things had started to return to normal and they had all fallen into their normal patterns - both personally and professionally.
Ever since, he'd wanted to tell her how he felt, but he was worried. He hadn't seen any obvious signs that she felt the same, and his fear of ruining their amazing friendship kept him from saying anything.
"We're a family, Sara. We love you. I love you," he spoke from his heart. He just wish she realized how true those words were. "Whatever it is, we'll get through it. That's what families do."
She laughed bitterly. "I don't deserve you guys as my family. I really don't. Hell, I don't even think I know what a family is."
"I don't understand?"
"My family never existed Nick. We were just shells of human beings."
"Sara, how can you say your family never existed? That you lied?" Nick pleaded. "Please, Sara. I want to understand. Don't shut me out. Let me help you."
She looked into his eyes and could feel the walls around herself crumbling again. "I know that Maggie is telling the truth because I looked in her eyes and saw it. I saw my family. My childhood. And I know I lied to Morgan because I've been where she is. And it's not OK. It never will be."
"Oh, God, Sara, I -"
"Didn't know?" she asked. "I know. I lied because I don't want to see the pity in everyones eyes. I've been there. And it's not fun."
"Sara, you were there for me when I needed you. If you hadn't been there, I don't think I would have survived," a single tear slipped down his face. "Everyone else treated me with kid gloves. But you were just you. Let me help you. Let me be here for you like you were there for me. Tell me what happened."
Sara looked up at the stars. She started to cry when she felt Nick pulling her close to him again. But this time, she didn't fight it. She let the tears fall and she curled herself into Nick's embrace, surprising him a little. She wrapped her arms around him and held on as if he was her life preserver - much the way Morgan had hung on to her earlier in the night.
"My mom wasn't was in a care home because of a car accident and she wasn't in a coma. She lost her mind. She went crazy," she blurted out. "Because she killed my father."
"Oh, God," Nick breathed. "No wonder this case is getting to you."
"He beat my mom. My brother and I grew up thinking it was normal for families to fight like that. The yelling and screaming. Sometimes I would cry in bed at night, other times, I would sneak into Brian's room just so I didn't have to be alone. My mom just wanted to protect us so badly. She would take the blame for everything that set him off, even if it was one of my toys laying on the floor that he tripped over after she'd asked me to pick it up. It had been a really bad night and Brian had a huge paper due. He needed to go the library, but Dad told him not too. Mom and I told him to sneak out. Dad never ever checked on us, and he'd just assume that he was pissed off in his room or something. That's what we thought anyway. He and Mom kept screaming at each other. The B&B wasn't doing too well, and money was tight. I was upstairs in my room when I heard him coming. He threw open my door and he saw a new book on my desk. I still had the receipt with it. He was furious because it cost thirty bucks. I had saved my money and bought it myself, though. He threw the book through the bedroom window and then he grabbed me," she sniffed. God, she hated remembering. "He'd hit me before. And I knew the look in his eye wasn't about wanting to use his fists. I'd seen him look at my mother like that." She closed her eyes, trying to fight off the images.
Nick wanted to puke, memories of his own molestation from child hood hitting him right between the eyes. "Sara, did he . . . did he -"
"Rape me?" she finished. She saw him nod his head in confirmation that that was his quesiton. "No. He didn't. But he would have. If my mom hadn't stabbed him. Eight times. In the chest. With a butcher knife. In my bedroom, right in front of me. I was 12, Nick. And I'll never get that out of my head. Not ever. After she'd stabbed him, I looked at her. She was pale, and I remember the exact moment where she knew exactly what she'd done. She started to cry. She was relieved because he'd never hurt us again. But then, he moaned. He was in pain, laying on my floor. And she looked at him with this look in her eyes that I never want to see again. It was hatred and rage. And emptiness. She stabbed him again, but this time, the knife went straight into his heart." She folded her hands nervously in her lap, not really sure when she'd let go of Nick's embrace.
"She had this vacant look in her eye when she left my room. I was so scared. I couldn't move. I couldn't go after her. I just stood there, looking at his lifeless body. The blood spatter on the walls, the smell of iron. Everything about it - its just stuck with me. I stayed there for a while. I heard Brian screaming when he came home. He found mom, sitting on the couch. Just like Maggie. She didn't even know we were there. He found me in my room, just sitting on the floor with my back against the wall. He called 911. Mom was declared mentally unfit and wouldn't be able to stand trial. That's why I was sent to foster care." She took a deep breath, trying to stop the flow of tears, but it was useless. "She sat in a room, in a nursing home, for the last 23 years just staring at the wall."
Nick saw more tears rolling down her face. Her voice didn't waver, but her eyes told him how much pain she was in. He pulled her close to his chest, hugging her body to his. "I'm so sorry, Sara."
"What if that happens to Maggie? What if Morgan has to see her mom like that?" she asked, her voice void of the emotions that she felt bubbling at the surface, ready to spill over. But, she was taking comfort in the soothing patterns Nick was rubbing on her back. "I know that I was older and actually saw what my mother did to my father, but I don't think it'll be much easier for Morgan. Even though she didn't see it, and she won't have the vivid memories that I do when she grows up, she'll still know."
"Kids are resilent," Nick answered. "I know. Believe me, I do." One of his hands moved from her back and came to rest on top of her hand that was resting against his steadily beating heart. "You are an amazing person, Sara. You got through it with little to no help. I saw Morgan's eyes today, when you were holding her. Sara, I think she has your fighting spirit. She's going to get through it. And she has grandparents to help her. Her mother, hopefully, too."
"Well thats the second reason I became a CSI," she sighed. "My parents. My history with them. And my brothers over dose. I've got a lot of baggage."
"No," he disagreed. "You had a difficult past. But you've over come it. We can't change our pasts, Sar. We have to accept them, and learn to live with them. We learn to deal with it. I've always admired you. Now, I admire you even more." She smiled slightly into his chest, unsure of what she'd ever done so right to be lucky enough to have a guy like Nick Stokes in her life. "You're life is nothing to be ashamed of."
"Nicky?" she asked quietly.
"Yeah?"
"Do you forgive me?" her voice cracked.
"Honey, there is nothing to forgive. You said that you didn't want people to look at you with pity. I understand that."
"How?" she asked.
He breathed deeply. "Up until a few years ago, I'd never told this to anyone. I never would have, but a case kind of made me," he smirked. "See you and me? We're not so different."
She smiled, glad that she wasn't the only one doing some confessing about secrets that they'd kept.
"Catherine and I were working a case, and we suspected that a 14 year old boy had been molested by his therapist. I was getting too involved and Cath threatened to take me off the case. I think I needed to stick with it, for myself, to get closure. I told her something I wanted to keep burried. When I was nine, there was a last minute babysitter. She molested me."
"Oh, Nicky," she sniffed, reaching up and stroking his face. He reached up and grabbed her fingers in his palm. He brought the back of her hand up to his lips and kissed her smooth skin. He then dropped their hands onto his lap, lacing their fingers together.
"My family is full of well respected people. Doctors. Lawyers. Cops. My Dad is a judge and my mom was a District Attorney. I always knew that I was born into a family where great things were expected of me. No one had ever been a CSI in my family though. I was the first. I knew that I wanted to do this for a living when I realized that the only way I'd ever feel peace is by giving it to those who can't give it to themselves."
"Yeah," she agreed softly. "I understand that."
She chuckled lightly when she saw Nick trying to stifle a yawn. The sun was just beginning to peak above the horizon.
"Sorry," he apologized.
"Don't," she shook her head. "I'm tired too."
He smiled at her, stood up and then helped her off the ground. He bent down and picked up her shoes and socks with one hand, while re-lacing their fingers together with the other.
Silently, he lead them back to the motel room. Once inside, they both chuckled at Warrick who was still snoring just like when Nick had left him.
"Cath forgot to mention that he was a fog horn -- able to guide ships to the shore."
Nick smirked. "And he drools. But, for for the snoring . . . well, I figured something out the last time he and I were sharing a room when we were working out of town."
"Oh yeah? What's that?" she asked as she slipped under the covers of the bed, not bothering to change. She would just wear those clothes until the morning. She'd change into the fresh clothes that had been stowed away in her bag then.
Nick grabbed a pillow from Warrick's bed that he hadn't been using. He laid down on the bed with Sara, finding himself a comfortable spot. "Just this."
She giggled at his impish smirk before he whipped the pillow at Warrick's head, smacking him directly in the face. The pillow fell away and Warrick's hand reached up, swatting at the offending item. Finding nothing, he groaned and rolled over, never once waking up.
The snoring ceased.
"You have the magic touch, Stokes," Sara smirked, laying on her side facing him.
"Don't you ever forget it, Sidle," he winked, turning his head to face her.
"What would I do without you?" she giggled, trying to fake a southern drawl but failed miserably.
Nick laughed lightly, finding her attempt cute. He turned over on his side, so there chests were nearly pressed together. He wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her close to him. He was propped up on his elbow, but his hand gently brushed a piece of her hair away from her eyes. "You'll never have to find out."
Without hesitation, she curled into him a little more, resting her head in the crook of his neck. "Thank you, Nicky," she murmured before falling into a peaceful slumber almost immediately as the exhaustion from the night claimed her body.
He smiled a little at her sleeping form nestled in his arms. He leaned down and pressed a lingering kiss to her forehead. "I'll never leave you, Sara. I promise."
And soon, sleep claimed him once again as well.
TBC . . . .
