Thud! "Oomph!"
Thud! "Oomph!"
Thud! "Oomph!"
Thud! "Oomph!"
Hades dragged his eyes away from his copy of Eat, Pray, Love as the rest of the heroes dropped to the ground. "Afternoon," he said lazily, watching them slowly push themselves to a stand and brush dirt off their hands and knees. He pushed the intercom button on the arm of his chair. "Hey, Clarence, got a couple more RD's for you to register."
There was some static, then Clarence voice chirped back, "Right-o, sir. On my way."
"Thank you, Clarence." Hades looked up, noticing the heroes' stunned expressions. "Had it installed last night," he explained, gesturing vaguely at the intercom button. "Any excuse to use it, you know?"
"Where's Killian?" the blonde woman demanded, clenching her hands into fists. The other heroes exchanged embarrassed looks and shifted away from her, avoiding Hades' quizzical gaze. "Where is he?" the woman said in ringing tones. "I will find him!"
Hades put a finger to his lips, then pointed as Clarence came scurrying through the door, a rapidly unfurling scroll bouncing around his feet.
"Sorry, milord," Clarence panted, doubling over to catch his breath. "There was a…situation with the…shit, I'm out of shape."
"Never mind that, Clarence. Can you take care of these…?" Hades waved his hand, going back to his book.
"Well, that's the thing, sir," Clarence said, adjusting his glasses. "We haven't had any more RD's, so I'm not entirely sure who these people are."
Hades exhaled irritably, tossing down his book. "I'm just going to rent the movie," he decided, swinging his legs in front of him to sit up in his seat. "I can't read two paragraphs without getting interrupted. Okay—" he clapped his hands together, looking expectantly at the heroes. "What's up?"
"Where's Killian?" the blonde repeated fiercely.
Hades frowned, turning his head. "Clarence, help me out here."
"Not sure, sir," Clarence said, running his scroll through his fingers. "We've had so many people come in…sorry, miss, do you have a last name?"
"Um—" the blonde blinked. "Jones. Killian Jones."
"Sounds familiar." Hades leaned over his chair to look at Clarence's list. "There's a Jones, is that him?"
"No, sir, that's 'Davy Jones'."
"Oh. Any relation?"
"You'd think, wouldn't you? But no…No, I believe this is our man." Clarence tilted the scroll toward him. "See? Also goes by—"
"Captain Hook," Hades said with him, laughing. "Yeah, I remember that guy! With the—"
"—yeah, yeah," Clarence snickered, nodding his head. "Oh, he was a riot, wasn't he?"
"He was, he really was. So, that makes you—" Hades pointed at the blonde, grinning—"Emma, right?"
"Yes, I…how did you know? You spoke to him?"
"Oho, did we ever," Hades chuckled, elbowing Clarence.
"Well, where is he?" Emma said wildly, looking around as if expecting to see signs pointing her in the right direction.
"And that makes you guys the rest of the family, eh?" Hades beamed at the others, completely ignoring Emma. "Let's see…David and Mary Margaret…Robin…Regina…Rumpletstiltskin, you old bastard, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you," Rumple smiled, waving a hand. "Clarence, how's your mother?"
"Still a raging bitch, sir, thanks for asking," Clarence said politely.
"And then we've got Leroy—oh, poor Leroy, they probably only brought you along to carry the bags, didn't they? And…Henry." Hades smiled, sitting back in his seat as he considered the boy. "Henry, Henry, Henry…"
Henry swallowed, looking nervous back at him. "Yes?"
"You are fucking tall for a thirteen-year-old."
Henry's expression cleared. "Yeah, I get that a lot," he said flatly.
"But what really baffles me is—" Hades smacked his lips, raising his eyes questioningly to the heavens—"why you all agreed to travel to Hell, of all places, on a rescue mission for Captain Whore? Sorry, I meant, Captain Whore."
"You said 'Whore' twice, sir."
"Right you are, Clarence. Now then—" Hades raised his eyebrows at the heroes—"somebody answer my question, and make it snappy before I lose interest and go back to Eat, Pray, Love."
"We're not here for Hook," Regina said, stepping forward. "Emma is, but we're not. We're here for Neal."
"Neal…" Hades frowned, stroking his chin. "Can you be more specific?"
"Neal Cassidy," Henry said, joining his mother. "Also known as 'Baelfire'. My father."
"My son," Rumple said quietly.
"My friend," Robin added.
"Emma's first love," Snow said sadly.
"Her true love," David sniffed.
"A really nice guy," Leroy put in.
"And the whole reason for my Dark Curse in the first place," Regina sighed. "God, he just fit so perfectly into everyone's lives… And he died, sacrificing himself for us." She wiped a tear from her eye. "Now, that's one solid dude."
Hades blinked rapidly. "Clarence?" he said in a trembling voice, holding out his hand. "I need your hanky."
"Yes, sir." Clarence whipped out his handkerchief and fluttered it into his hand; Hades dabbed his eyes carefully, sniffing.
"That was beautiful," he told them tearfully. "I still don't know who you're talking about."
"The point is, we want him back," Henry said. "We want to bring him back to the living world."
"Well, I'm sorry, kiddo, but it doesn't work like that," Hades sighed, tossing the hanky over his shoulder. "I mean, the only reason why Orpheus got away with that shit was because Sephy was here, and she made me. But of course, the dumbass looks behind him, and the whole thing falls to shit. Stupid motherfucker." Hades shook his head sourly. "He had one fucking job…"
"Well, where's this 'Sephy'?" Henry asked. "Maybe we could talk to her."
"Persephone is spending this half of the year with her mother." Hades pointed at Rumple's amused face. "Don't give me that look, you old scallawag! I've seen your wife, Rumple-sugar-daddy! She's a little cutie!"
Rumple grinned, wiggling his eyebrows. "Hell yeah, she is."
"Okay, but saving Neal, though," Robin said loudly.
"Yeah, no, I told you," Hades said, leaning back in his seat. "No can do. You can't just waltz in here and pick him up. Doesn't work like that."
"What if we had a soul to trade?" Regina asked shrewdly, folding her arms. "It works like that, doesn't it?"
Hades grinned, pointing a finger at her. "I like you, Lady Mills. You've got sass."
"Meh," she shrugged. "I try."
"As it so conveniently happens, it does work like that," Hades said, conjuring a nail fail and getting to work. "You can trade Neal's soul in exchange for one of the dumb jabroni's you've dragged along with you. Probably the most useless, annoying, obnoxious, waste of space—"
"Killian's hot," Emma sighed dreamily.
Hades flicked his eyes at her, raising an eyebrow. "Okay, so I'm assuming she's the one you mean to trade for Neal's soul?"
"Actually, we meant to use Leroy for that," Regina frowned. "Although…one wonders how much Emma Swan would really be missed at this point…"
Henry coughed. "Not that much, we should leave her here." He lifted his head, raising his eyebrows as if looking for the source of the noise. "Well, who said that?"
Hades shrugged, spreading his arms. "You know what, you guys? It's up to you, not me—though I'm personally going to recommend Blondie over there. But decide amongst yourselves, take as long as you need—just make sure you've got everything squared away before you leave the Underworld, okay?"
He pulled the lever on his chair without warning, dropping the floor out beneath them: their shouts echoed down the long tunnel as they fell through the air, the floor closing back up before they reached the bottom. Hades chuckled to himself, going back to filing his nails. "It never gets old."
