Sorry it took way too long to update this, but meh...you know, Life. And Tumblr.

"Okay, but seriously, are there no stairs in the Underworld?" Henry groaned, gingerly pushing himself up. "Goddamn it…"

"Get up, Leroy," David said, pulling the dwarf to a stand. "We need you alive."

"Yeah, for now," Leroy grumbled. "Until you need me to sacrifice myself for your own selfish purposes, and I die."

David clapped a hand on his shoulder, looking at him solemnly. "We've still got six other dwarfs after you, so we'll be all right. Thanks for worrying though, bud, I appreciate it."

"That's not what I—"

"Okay, everybody!" Regina said loudly, clapping her hands. "Let's talk strategy."

"Why?" Snow scoffed. "Can't we just do what we normally do and wander around aimlessly until something happens?"

"Yeah, that usually works," David shrugged. "Remember Neverland?"

"Neverland…" Emma mused, frowning slightly. "I was wondering why this felt familiar, but I get it now. Boyfriend just died, traveled to another realm…means I'm going to have to make out with some other guy ten minutes in…" Her eyes traveled around the group. "Okay, the only available guys are Robin and Leroy, so since Robin's with Regina…"

Leroy perked up hopefully.

"…I'm going to disregard that, because he's way hotter than Leroy, so stay close, Rob, okay?"

"Regina," Robin warned as she stepped threateningly toward Emma. "Calm down."

"But—she's just such a—"

"I know," he soothed. "But we're already in Hell, so it's not like it can't get much worse, can it? If Emma's dumbassery is all we have to deal with, we're more than prepared. We can do this."

Regina nodded, still grimacing as she brushed the rest of the dust off her pants. "All right, let's go," she said, motioning for the others to follow her. "Let's get out of this cave-thing. There's a light up ahead—"

"Maybe it's Killian's halo," Leroy muttered, glaring at Emma. "Seeing as he's such a saint."

"You know, I wouldn't be surprised," Emma said fondly. "He's really a great guy, you know? He'd anything for me. He can't live without me. I'm his entire reason for existing. That's love."

"Or dangerous codependency, but who am I to judge?"

"Shut up, Leroy."

"Hey, you know what?" Snow said suddenly. "I just realized—we don't have an 'Operation-Whatever' name for this mission."

"You're right," David said, coming to a stop. "Before we go any further, we need a name for this mission."

"No. We don't," Henry said through clenched teeth. "I'm too old for this shit, you guys. It stopped being cute when I was ten."

"Oh, come on, Henry!" Snow wheedled. "It's your thing. You gotta have an Operation-Whatever, it's, like, your entire personality now."

"Is that what I've been reduced to?" Henry asked the ceiling. "Being the Author and everything, that's still the best I can do?"

"Shouldn't have snapped the pen, kiddo," David shrugged. "I mean, I'm sure it felt noble at the time, but you realize how much trouble you could have saved us if you took five minutes to think it through?"

"I know—"

"We probably wouldn't have had to travel to Camelot at all. You could have just written the Darkness right out of Emma, and everything would have been fine."

"It really didn't make any sense, Henry," Rumple sighed. "I mean…nobility is great and all, but stupidity is another thing entirely."

"Fine!" Henry flared, throwing up his arms. "Then we'll just call it 'Operation Henry's Fault'! Satisfied?"

"Actually, I prefer 'Operation Emma's Fault'," Robin said, raising his hand. "If she hadn't made Hook the Dark One…"

"I still don't understand how that works," Regina frowned. "How do you just…split the Darkness?"

"Same way that you just move it into another person," Rumple shrugged. "You just do."

"Yeah, but how—?"

"Because magic!" he said loudly. "Now, come on, everybody, stop thinking and start moving!"

And with that, Rumple strode off, apparently their self-appointed leader. Regina shrugged and followed him; Henry trailed behind her, with Snow and David closely following. Robin took Emma's elbow to pull her along, as she seemed especially vague at the moment, and Leroy traipsed behind them.

For a long time, they simply walked straight ahead in the very dim, very dusty space, the only sound being their footsteps trudging across the sand-scattered ground. Nobody said much, other than an occasional muttering along the lines of, "Wow, reception down here is really good". Henry managed to hack into the Wifi, so everybody spent most of the trek with their heads bent over their phones, scrolling through Tumblr and Facebook and Twitter—keeping up with the social scene in the world above, so to speak. Even Emma was engrossed in the virtual world (thankfully, as it saved them from having to hear her sob, "Killian, I will find you" repeatedly).

Rumple stopped abruptly, making everyone collide with each other.

"Grandpa! Jesus!" Henry complained.

"Yeah, seriously, man, watch where you're going!" Snow snapped.

"We're here, bitches!" Rumple called to the rest of the group, pointing straight ahead. "Look!"

Before them was the town of Storybrooke. Except it wasn't quite Storybrooke: there was a peculiar reddish-orange tinge to it, as though someone had brushed flame-colored glaze over it. Buildings were in various states of destruction, with piles of ashes and soot randomly distributed through the streets; people were walking around in close-knit groups, scurrying from place to place like anxious little creatures.

"Someone's clearly making a effort to irritate us," Rumple grimaced.

"How so?" Regina frowned.

"This is obvious social commentary," Rumple scoffed, gesturing at it. "They—meaning, probably Hades, that judgy motherfucker—are saying we are so self-involved and arrogant, we assume even the Underworld is specifically designed for us. Like we're a bunch of assholes."

"We are a bunch of assholes," Snow shrugged.

"Yes, but it's okay if we say it," Rumple said impatiently. "I don't like anyone else doing it, though."

"Maybe it looks different for everyone, and we're just seeing the Underworld like this because we're from Storybrooke," Robin suggested.

Rumple curled his lip disdainfully. "That is so dumb."

"Well, now what?" Henry asked. "How do we find Dad in this weird, post-apocalyptic town? Should we start checking for yellow Bugs or coffee stands or something?"

"He did love his coffee," Rumple mused. "But I think it'll be a bit trickier to find him than just looking. This is the Underworld, Henry—not Disney World. There's a lot of bad shit around here, and we're really not supposed to make it past the barriers if we're still alive."

"Then why did Hades let us through?" David frowned.

"If it wasn't for me, he probably wouldn't have even given us an audience," Rumple shrugged. "I've been practicing Dark Magic for centuries, we've had the occasion to grab a lunch a few times over the years. As such—who knows? Maybe he's in a good mood today. Maybe he just wanted a chance to show off." He waved his hand irritably at Hellbrooke, which seemed a more appropriate name. "The point is, he gave us his blessing to go through and find Neal, if we can figure it out. Now I don't have a lot of confidence in your abilities, but I think if there's one thing I'm good at it, it's finding my son. So if you don't mind, I'm going to break up the tea party, and get to it."

Rumple flashed them all a sarcastic smile, and spun off toward the town without a second glance. They all stared in awe for a minute, very much aware they just got their asses handed to them.

"He did that in Neverland, too," Snow said numbly. "Are these his motivational speeches?"

"Rumple doesn't give motivational speeches," Regina said bitterly. "He tries to crush your spirit routinely. The only way out of it, is to learn whatever it is he's trying to teach you."

"I should try that on my fourth-graders," Snow reflected. "None of those little shits will ever come complaining about fractions again, that's for damn sure."

"Make a mental note, and let's go," Henry said shortly. "I want to find my dad and get out of here."

After a general muttering of agreement, everyone gathered themselves and followed Henry. Rumple was still a ways ahead of them, but Henry set a brisk enough pace that by the time they were in the town square, they were all caught up.

The clock tower chimed superfluously, as the hands were frozen on 8:15—probably just to remind them it was there. Nevertheless, everyone felt obliged to turn and look at it.

"Again with this bullshit?" Regina grimaced.

"So over the clock-thing," Snow agreed, shaking her head.

"What clock thing?" David frowned. "I don't remember a clock-thing."

"Well, you wouldn't," Henry said. "You were in the coma when time was frozen. But when Emma agreed to stay in Storybrooke, it started moving again. Because she was already breaking the curse, just by having the balls to stay and keep an eye on her son until she was sure he was safe." He got a little misty-eyed, and blinked rapidly. "I-I miss that Emma."

Rumple looked at him sadly, and reached out hesitantly to put his hand on Henry's shoulder. "I miss her, too, lad," he said. "I respected that Emma Swan. She was a true hero."

"We hated each other, but I still admired her nerve," Regina sighed, putting her hands on her hips. "It was almost inspiring, how much of a pain in my ass she was."

"Why are you all talking about me like I'm dead?" Emma frowned. "I'm right here!"

Everyone turned, giving her an incredulous look. Emma took a step back, startled.

"What?" she asked, looking around with wide eyes.

"I don't know who you are exactly, but it's not Emma Swan," Snow said icily. "Emma Swan would never recruit her family to venture into the land of the dead and potentially sacrifice them to save her boytoy. Emma Swan would never turn someone into the Dark One—"

"Who specifically requested not to be turned into the Dark One because he knew that at the root of his soul he was an evil motherfucker who was going to destroy everyone anyway," Rumple chimed in.

"—yes, thank you, Rumple." Snow turned back to Emma with folded arms. "Executive decision: we get to grieve the person you used to be, and you get to shut up and not interfere on our misery."

"I second the motion," David said immediately, holding up his hand.

"All in favor, say 'Aye'!"

There was a chorus of "Aye!" Snow nodded in satisfaction.

"The ayes have it," she declared. "Emma, shut up. Everyone else, keep following Rumple. I don't know where we're going."

"That reminds me—do we have a plan?" Robin asked worriedly. "Once we find Neal, how do we get out of here?"

"Actually, it's pronounced 'Killian'," Emma piped up, which earned her an angry chorus of, "SHUT. UP."

"I have a motion," Rumple growled, throwing a very ugly look at Emma. "Can we make it a rule to never say the 'K-word' again? I didn't bring my antacid pills."

"I second the motion," Henry said immediately. "All in favor?"

Another chorus of "Aye!", and Rumple gave a satisfied nod.

"The ayes have it," he said. "Anyone who uses the 'K-word' from now on will be publicly flogged, and then executed."

On that decisive note, he turned on his heel. The Underworld, or Hellbrooke (all right, all right, Orange Storybrooke) waited for them, teeming with spirits of their past and bad lighting.