Apparently my brains thought I hadn't suffered enough. They decided I needed to relive it over and over again, until the sun had set many hours ago. Silence had descended on the presidential residence. Now it gave me time to think. And wonder, too.
Like when my legs demanded me to move, and I peeked through the curtains to look at the night's sky, I wondered if this was the first time I spend a night somewhere that wasn't my own house. Perhaps as a child I had spent the dark hours somewhere else - though likely not the house of a "normal" person. Probably some state official of a foreign country.
'Stupid,' I scoffed myself, 'how many times haven't you slept in Wakanda?'
But to me, that didn't count. Wakanda's palace felt more like a vacation home to me, or like an extension of my own home.
Here I didn't know anyone. Here there were only people I barely knew. Yet, how many people were there at home that I truly knew? I had only one friend. And he lived on the other side of the equator.
A painful shock of loneliness struck me. Followed by a determination. I could change that. One person had been kind to be from the beginning. He might not be the most typical person to choose as a friend - heck, he even worked for me. Still, he was a good person. Respectful, considerate, prepared to take my culture in account. Someone I believed I could trust.
With soft, fluffy robes tugged around me I opened the door. Behind it stood two stoic guards, just waiting. Being security-guard or agent seemed like such an anticlimactic job. In movies it is always full of action and tension, but from what I had seen, it was mostly standing and walking around with an emotionless face and eyes skimming the area.
Now I had to get their attention.
'Uhm, hi.'
The bloke on the right side turned his head.
'Is there anything wrong, miss?' Damn, I felt small.
'I- no, I would just like to ask you if you maybe could bring Mister Barnes to me.' Absolutely no change in his face. I brought my chin up. 'Please.'
Next came one of those moments that I doubted if I wanted to know what the people around me were thinking. I could guess, though. And I was pretty sure he was considering if he'd rather die for me or get in trouble for not protecting me. On the other hand, his face didn't give anything away. So he might be thinking about kittens. Who knows.
'Sure, Miss.'
Eye contact between the two guards. A slight nod from the left. Then he left with stiff, powerful steps.
'Uhm… I'll just- Please let Mister Barnes into my room when he arrives. Tell him he doesn't have to knock.'
Quickly I escaped back into my room. First I roamed around for approximately thirty seconds, until I fell down on the couch.
Contrary to what I had ordered, a soft knock at the door announced Barnes' arrival.
'Come in!'
My guard slipped through the door, shutting it in a gentle manner. He didn't come nearer.
'I'm sorry if I woke you up.' With my index finger I drew little patterns on the fabric of the sofa.
'It is okay, highness. Is anything wrong?'
'What? O, no. Well, not really. Not directly.' I took a deep breath to stop my rumbling. 'What I mean is that there isn't a direct emergency. I do, however, have a - yes, problem. You might say problem. An issue. But mostly something I need to get off my chest.' Frustrated because I couldn't get the words out the way I wanted, I rubbed away the swirls. 'I'm sorry I don't really know how to say this.'
'Take your time, highness. It will come to you.'
I smirked at that. 'I wouldn't be so sure. However… if you want, you might want to sit down? I'm aware you're not easily tired. Still, sitting seems more comfortable.'
Barnes bowed his head. 'Of course.' So he did. On the other side of the couch I was sitting on, turned enough so he could look at me while I continued struggling with my words.
'Right. This is my problem.' I breathed in deeply. My eyes flickered from my knees to Barnes' face and back. 'I don't have many friends.' Again a little flicker, to check Barnes' reaction. There wasn't really one, as usual. 'Actually, I only have one. T'Challa. But he's a king. In Africa. And I live in Europe. And I'm also going to be queen. And I never meet anyone of my own age.
So… I don't want to sound petty, or needy. Perhaps I shouldn't ask this of you at all…'
My words died out. I simply didn't dare continue.
'Highness,' Barnes said very slowly. His tony was very seriously, not at all sounding like he thought my rambling was pathetic. 'It isn't petty to wish for some company. Loneliness is a terrible thing. Believe me…' some vulnerability I had never seen with him before appeared. Deep sadness bubbled up in his eyes, as if from a deep water. 'When I… woke up, hand found myself again, I only had one friend. Of course we're very different persons, but I think loneliness doesn't differ much.'
The statement reminded me he was from another time, another place. How he might have survived eighty years without aging, most people he knew must have been dead when he finally regained control.
'But can I ask this of you?'
'That's up to me, isn't it?' For the first time I saw something of amusement on his face.
'I guess it is.' I shrugged. 'And what is your verdict, if I might ask?'
Barnes flexed his fingers. 'That I'm not sure if I'm great company. But you can ask me anything.'
The slightest wisp of relief. 'I'm not going to ask you much, I think,' I tried to reassure him immediately. 'One thing, actually. If I might call you by your first name.'
'My first name?' curiosity and surprise fought in his eyes.
'Yes. Weird request, I know. Only, Barnes sounds so impersonal. And if you don't want that, if it's too weird, just say it. Then you can go back to bed, and we can all forget about this conversation.'
At last, a smile broke his poker face. 'It's okay. I don't mind, highness. The opposite, actually.' He looked down at his hands, stretched them and looked up again. 'It might actually help make me feel more human.'
There was much behind that statement, but seeing how I had already asked for a personal favour, I didn't pursue my curiosity.
'So…' awkwardly I looked at him. 'James it is?'
That unexpected smile broadened a bit. 'James it is.'
In the following silence, I could hear a clock tick somewhere in the room. I shifted my weight, and shoved my hands underneath my legs.
'Highness?' Barnes- James, was sitting with his elbows on his knees, his eyes studying my face. 'I was wondering something, about what you said during dinner.'
'Oh. I was telling a lot of nonsense, I think.' My lips pressed together apologetically.
James seemed amused. 'It was about your education. How you wanted to study but you're not going to anymore. Why is that?'
To me the answer seemed quite obvious. Apparently not to the guard. 'The queen thing will be in the way, I think.' I snorted. 'Me walking through the hallways of university would be quite a distraction.'
'Didn't you tell me you got all your education through private teachers?'
'Indeed.'
'Then why can't you hire someone to teach you any subject you want? '
'I-' but I haltered before I could reject this idea. 'That's actually a very reasonable idea.'
'Of course after you've settled into your life as queen. We don't want you to be overwrought.'
'Indeed, that would be a terrible inconvenience.' I smiled in a melancholy kind of way. I also shifted my weight a bit, so I could remove my hands from underneath myself. 'I think it is funny - and it demonstrates the difference between me and "normal" people - that so many children dream of becoming a prince, or princess, a knight in shining armour. And naturally I had those dreams too, and I loved those movies. But I also always loved watching American High School movies, to be honest,' I laughed quietly. 'I always dreamed about going to one. I wanted to be a proud nerd, carrying my books around all day, no matter how heavy they were. I would not be one of the popular, rich kids, because that would mean I would be in the spotlight. No, anonymity for me.' I sighed. I looked at my own hands, bending and stretching my fingers, trying to get some feeling in them. Fond memories of daydreams brought the ghost of a long lost childhood smile to my face. 'And if, coincidentally, everyone randomly started to sing, I wouldn't mind.'
Again I listened to the far away clock. The ticks and tacks were very distant, barely audible. At least time was one thing I had in common with the people outside the palace walls.
'I'd like to tell you about high school, but I think it has changed a little since I attended.' James' voice was soft, reassuring. He was trying to cheer me up, I realised.
I snorted. 'It would be shamefully if it hadn't. It would make history lessons easier, though. A lot less subject matter for the teachers to talk about.'
His dark eyebrows raised. 'Believe me, highness, they had enough to talk about.'
I tilted my head slightly to one side. 'Were you a good student?'
He was back there, I could see it. Back in his former classrooms, his former school, with all the people he had known. The usual guarded expression had faded, and been replaced by a similar expression I had had thinking about my own fond memories.
'I like to think I was. Good grades. Teachers liked me. Yeah, that's something that hasn't changed, I think. If a teachers dislikes you, you're done for.'
'O yes. But there I had an advantage. You know, it is highly unlikely the teachers would dislike the cute little princess. Though they've had to have a lot of patient, my teachers.'
'Patience is a good quality. And no one can expect you to be a full grown princess at birth. Nobody is born the way they are later in life. The queen, the teacher, the soldier… they've all had to learn how to become what they're supposed to be.'
