CHAPTER FOUR / RORY
I'm surprised to feel butterflies erupt in my stomach as i ride the elevator down to the lobby after the board meeting. Does the thought of seeing Jess again really have this effect on me? I think to myself, watching the floor numbers lights grow lower and lower. i'd check i look okay in the mirror but i'm not alone and don't want the other people in the lift to think i'm one of those preppy superficial girls who's only in the building because her rich daddy works here or something.
i'm both relieved and terrified when the ding of the elevator chimes and everyone tumbles out. as much as i've been looking forward to spending time with Jess all afternoon, I can't help being reminded of the last time we were alone together and how foolish i acted. Even though he has every right to an explanation and an apology, i'm crossing my fingers that he doesn't bring it up.
I swipe my ID card and walk through the baffle gate before it slides shut again, passing the reception desk and finally walk through to outside. i look around me as people rush this way and that, ascending and descending the steps in a hurried fashion. so many unfamiliar faces, and then… a single familiar one; his. he smiles and holds a hand up in a sort-of half wave. i smile back and then look up to the sky. Dusk is fast-approaching and the clouds from earlier have disappeared, the left side turning a warm pink/purple tone as the sun dips.
it's beautiful but not as beautiful as the boy who waits for me. i start down the steps and letting myself forget for a moment all that's happened between us, i rush towards him. it's as if all the years we've spent apart have disappeared and we're right back to how we were at seventeen. i jump into his arms and he's surprised but he's quick to catch me and hold me up from falling. i laugh, happy and hug him. and then the most amazing thing happens; he hugs me back.
he even turns a little, spinning me. we're both laughing by the time he places my feet back down on the ground. i pull back, but leave my arms around his neck. i rest my forehead on his. he takes a deep breath. "Rory," he warns, though his voice is gentle and kind not harsh like i was expecting, like it sometimes used to be. "I know." i reply, taking a deep breath myself. The scent of him is so familiar, so comforting — something which reminds me so much of home, yet exists so far away from it.
"i know." i repeat, because neither of us is letting go. "but we're not doing anything wrong." i say, looking down. "yet." he finishes for me. i smile and then he's letting go and stepping back. he glances around us, as though only now noticing where we are. "shall we?" he holds an arm out, clearly happy to ignore whatever just passed between us. so i do the only thing i can do in this situation, i nod, and we fall into step together.
"how was the all-important meeting?" he asks. "oh, it went great!" i reply and start to tell him what i was presenting and how the board reacted. it feels good to share my day with him. he listens intently and asks a question or two, interested to know what it is i do. we're not holding hands and we're not a couple, but as we turn off 22nd avenue and stand to join a swarm of maybe twenty others waiting at a pedestrian crossing, we could be i think to myself.
to the people on the outside, to the people crowding us, to the people who fleetingly glance in our direction as they weave their way through the chaos that is New York. they don't know our story, our history, our past. to them, we would look like a couple, a guy having picked his girl up from her work and who are now heading out for a bite to eat together.
"and how was the rest of your day? what'd you and the guys i left you with at the park get up to?" i ask, after we've talked enough about me and work. "oh," he seems thrown by the question, as though somehow the thought of discussing his day and his life hadn't occurred to him. "well," he starts, his voice slightly unsteady.
"Jax, Mark, Seb and I headed back to Truncheon shortly after I saw you off and basically just got back to work. I took some phone calls, reported back to Matty, sent a status report to our Philly office, replied to some email enquires and that was pretty much the extent of it." "Wait, Truncheon?" I look to him for an explanation, racking my brain as to the last job I knew of Jess having. it was an author. "Oh, right."
"I forgot you didn't…" His voice trails off. He clears his throat. "Wait! Wasn't Truncheon the publisher behind your book?" He looks to me, surprise and awe crossing his face together. "Wow, Rory, that was…that's impressive. You remembered." I nudge him. "of course, i remembered. it's not everyday your ex boyfriend gets a book published." The label of ex-boyfriend stings us both, if the cold closed off look on Jess's face is any indication to go by.
"i mean, i've only reread it about fifteen times!" i swap tactics. "you're not serious. you did not reread that thing." "oh, no, i did. fift—" "fifteen times." he finishes for me. "so i heard." he does that lip curling thing he used to do when we were younger. it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. it's good to know somethings never change, some habits and characteristics, of people who haven't been part of your life in years but who meant so much to you, are still there, still apart of them. even if you, yourself aren't around often enough to notice.
"You know I love your book, Jess. It's still the best thing in the world for me to hold it in my hands and know you made it. You actually sat down and—" "Stopped shaking it around?" He offers, quoting what I told him when he first handed me the book at my grandparents' place. I smile bashfully as he smirks. "You remember that." He dips his head. "Of course, i remembered that." "Well, anyways, what were you saying about Truncheon?"
"Right, we got off topic a bit. Well, basically the press started to get a bit more attention a couple months after my launch and Chris, one of the two originals who's started it up, offered me a job since i'd been picking up some errands and tasks here and there for them — nothing official or anything, just a helping-out-a-buddy kind of situation, y'know?" i nod and he goes on.
"Anyhow, I've been working full-time for them ever since and just this year, they expanded, renting out an office here in New York." "Oh my god, Jess, that's awesome!" "Yeah, so we've been up and running for a few months now and nothing's going terribly wrong yet, so i guess we're doing alright."
"you always do this." i nudge him as we walk. "you always downplay what you're doing or working on as though it's no big deal. you did it with the novel and you're doing it now with this. it's a huge deal, jess. i'm so happy for you, that everything worked out and you've got a steady job, doing something you love." "i wouldn't say love exactly, but it pays the bills…and i get to read manuscripts and sought out new authors which is fun." i smile. "that's so great." "yeah, it kinda is." he replies, slowly. "also those mates of mine from the park earlier?" "yeah?" "i get to work with them too." "really? hah, that's cool. you guys must get up to a lotta mischief being stuck in an office all day together."
he laughs. "nah, not really. we're grown-ups now, you know how it is." he nods sincerely, a look of fake professionalism on his face. we both laugh. it's so easy to revert to just being a kid again with him, to joke around and to laugh stuff off. i hadn't realised how much i needed to laugh.
"so how long are you in the city for?" he asks. "just tonight and tomorrow morning. i was planning to drive down to Stars Hollow after that—hey!" I interrupt myself, a thought too exciting to ignore flashing through my mind.
i move in front of him and we come to a stop in the footpath. people not even bothering to groan or click their tongues at us, but rather just shoving past, moving around like this happens all the time. which i guess, in New York, it does. "hey, yourself." he mocks and i bite my bottom lip, half smiling up at him. "what?" he says now, searching my expression for telltale signs of why i've stopped us.
"you should come with me!" "come with you where?" "come with me to Stars Hollow." He looks at me as if i've grown another head. "Rory, no." His voice is incredulous. "Why not?" I put a hand on his arm and he looks down to my touch and then back up to meet my eyes once more. "That is a terrible idea." He remarks and then starts walking again, giving me no choice but to follow him. "Jess, wait, what makes it a terrible idea exactly?" "The last time i was in Stars Hollow was for Luke's wedding, Rory." "…Oh." i swallow, my cheeks starting to burn.
Jess looks to me and looks away fast, throwing his gaze out to the billboards, the buildings, the dirty tattered cement sidewalk, the pothole out on the road, the roofs of taxi cabs which dot the distance — basically anywhere but back to me again. "Now you see why it would be disastrous for me to go back."
"I think disastrous is taking it a bit far." I reply, giving him a look like he's exaggerating because he is, though this proves more of a challenge than it should be since he won't meet my eyes.
"Well, you might but i certainly don't." "Jess, just stop for a second." i reach out and grab his arm, leaning down with my hands on my knees, panting and trying to catch my breath. "Bloody hell, you move fast. since when do you power walk for god's sake?"
He's watching the bobbing heads of the people behind us, still stubbornly not looking at me. "It's new york, rory." he says, his voice tired and a little condescending if i'm being entirely honest. "if you don't move fast, you'll get squashed." "right, okay." i stand back up and he pointedly looks to my hand on his arm until i remove it. "geez, what is with you?" he's acting even more on edge than he used to and that's saying a lot since he was never exactly a calm person.
"i just can't believe you would suggest such a thing." "why, jess? what's so crazy about you coming home with me?!" i explode. "oh, i don't know, rory! maybe the fact that the last time we were both in that town at the same time, you pulled me into a pantry at your mother's inn and sucked face with me!" "oh geez." i scrunch up my nose at him. "do you really have to use the phrase suck face, how old are you, jess, 9 years old? nobody says—" "or how about how the last time i was in the oh so lovely and quaint Stars Hollow, i asked your mother if she approved of us being together!" I blink, close to the brink of bursting with shock.
"Um….WHAT?!" Okay never mind close to brink, i am bursting. "JESS WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?!" i yell and he looks around us and grabs my arm, pulling me into an alley way with nothing but the dumpsters of some Chinese restaurant in it and a cobbled floor. "I know i've always said New York is loud, but honestly Rory, if anybody can give it a run for its money, it's you. You've got to stop randomly shouting at me in the streets." i blush and then push the humiliation aside. "what did she say?" "what did who say?" a beat and then, "your mother?" "yeah. when you asked if…" i can barely get the words out.
"uh.." he touches a hand to the back of his neck. "rory, can we please not go there now?" i sigh, and look to the sky, trying not to be fed up with him. "if not now, then when?" "i don't want to talk about this with you."
"don't." i snap. "don't, what?" "don't you dare go to run away again." "rory, i wasn't going to run away." "multiple times today you've just walked off from me and i've had to catch up and i'm tired of this, Jess. this whole nonchalant unattached attitude of yours. i'm not buying it. Not for a second." He looks me dead in the eyes and says with absolute conviction, "I'm done running, Gilmore. If there's anything you can hold me to, it's that at least."
I swallow and don't let myself look away. Right when I think he's beginning to lean in, and our faces are just inches apart, a siren blares in the distance making me jump and hit into Jess. He cups his nose, rubbing it and smirking at me. "Did you seriously just jump at the sound of an ambo?" I blush yet again and whack his arm, glancing behind us back out to the busy street. "It's not like I'm used to the sound. There aren't exactly a lot of ambulance sirens going off in Stars Hollow." i reply.
"Yeah, but it's not like you've spent much time there lately anyways." I pause, letting that sink in. Jess's jaw tightens like he's afraid he might've insulted me somehow. "Rory, i didn't mean for that to come out…well, harsh. i know you probably miss home so i'm not doing you any favours by bringing it up, i'm sorry." "Jess, it's fine. And i was the one who brought it up, remember?"
"Right. You're right. You did." He gestures back to the street. "We should probably keep moving. The city only gets crazier once nightfall hits." The moment has clearly passed and he's not leaning in anymore, in fact he's leaning away if anything so i agree and we merge back onto the busy street, turning left at the next corner we come to.
i no longer recognise where we are but have complete trust in Jess to lead us where we need to go. "Wanna get some food?" I ask after walking in silence — save for the horns of passing traffic and shouts of angry cabbies and street merchants — for several minutes. Jess smiles at me, a really true one which was always rare.
"I thought you'd never ask." He replies, before asking me what I'm in the mood for. I tell him to surprise me before getting a distinct craving for Italian. "Actually, a pizzeria might be good. I'm sorta feeling an Italian cuisine now.." He laughs. "Of course you are." "What is that supposed to mean?" i banter and he gives me a look. "C'mon Rory, d'you honestly think i'd forget your very specific cravings?" He laughs and the colour in my cheeks still doesn't weaken. "well, no, i guess not." "i remember this one time, we were eating indian and watching The Breakfast Club and you suddenly turned to me and said you just had to have.."
He proceeds to talk about all these scenarios from back when we were dating that i'd get an intense craving for something random or totally uncalled for. After about ten minutes or so of reminiscing, he abruptly comes to a standstill and i bump into his back because we'd been forced into a single file after turning onto an already packed sidewalk a few hundred metres back.
"Jess!" I rub at my shoulder, squeezing to stand beside him. "Why'd you have to do that?" He cranes his neck to look at me, his face expressionless. "We're here." And then he takes a step forward and drops down a few cement steps, not saying anything more.
i look for a sign but there isn't one, before copying him. "what is this place?" i ask, peering through the fogged windows with bright red trimming. "you'll see." he replies, mysteriously and pushes open the door, causing a bell to ding over head. he holds it open for me and i walk inside. we're underground a lil now by descending from the street.
"table for two?" the waiter bows, giving us a warm smile. Jess nods, placing a hand on the small of my back. I look over my shoulder at him. "Your coat?" He asks and i realise that's why he's finally initiating contact between us. I undo the buttons on my trench coat and he hangs it with his own wore jacket on the hooks by the door.
the waiter leads us to a table far from the entry way and pulls the chair out for me. i thank him and sit, before he passes us each a menu and darts off to deliver someone's order. I look at the cover of the menu. "Da Nico's." I read aloud and Jess tips his head to me. "Good observational skills, Gilmore. Looks like we'll make an FBI agent out of you yet." I laugh and open the menu, skimming the choices. "It's cute." I remark after glancing around. "Small."
"Snug." He corrects. "Snug." I try the word out for size. "It's the New Yorker equivalent of small." He explains and i smile. "Oh, right. Aha, that's a good one." "You ready to order?" "Yeah, i think so. How about you?" i look down to his untouched menu.
"Oh, i already know what i'm going to get." "Oh, yeah?" "Yeah. I love this place, could recite their menu off by heart." "Is that so?" I'm intrigued now. "Come here often, do you?" i try to not sound too eager, too pushy for intel on what his life is like here. "Often enough." He replies, casually shrugging his shoulders. "Take all your hot dates here, huh?" The waiter arrives before he can answer. I pretend to not be disappointed.
Whenever it seems Jess and I are finally slipping back into that easy, quick-witted banter that used to come so naturally to us as teenagers, something happens to throw us off course and we get interrupted. First an ambulance siren and now a waiter with a bow tie and curly moustache.
Jess leaves it to me to reel off my order first and then he whispers something to the waiter afterwards. the waiter nods, once, twice with recognition dawning on his face. "Of course, Mr. Mariano." And then he's rushing away again. I plant a look of curiosity on my face, not asking him what that was all about but not exactly letting him get off on not talking about it either.
Jess only shrugs and leans back in his chair, pushing up the long sleeves of his shirt to bunch up at his elbows. "so, maybe often has a few definitions depending on who you ask." is all he'll say about it and right as i decode that he's referring to when i asked him before whether this is his regular place to eat, he changes the subject.
as the waiter delivers our food, he leans down to meet Jess's eye. "He wanted me to tell you, you're not to leave without first poking your head in the kitchen to say hello." Jess nods, not giving away what this means or who he is. "Thank you." The waiter bows once more and darts away. "Well, dig in." Jess spreads his napkin on his lap and reaches for his knife and fork. I smile. "What's that look for?" He asks and this time it's my turn to shrug, uncurling my napkin and placing it on my knees.
Jess smiles back and we start eating. "What do you think?" He asks after a few minutes of us just leaving the other to chew. I swallow and rest my cutlery on the edge of my plate. "It's delicious. Brilliant, in fact." Jess beams, as though this is a compliment to him personally. "I can't believe after all of that, you didn't even order pizza." He reminds, lifting a forkful to his mouth. "What can i say? I felt like pasta all of a sudden." I shoot him a cheeky look and a ha told you so expression rests on his face. okay, so maybe he was right earlier, when he said my food cravings can change in an instant.
"that looks good too." i add, eyeing off his plate. "wanna try some?" "really?" i ask, suddenly reminded how whenever i'd make a grab for his food in the past, Logan would give me this half annoyed half teasing expression and tilt his head and say to me, "really, rory? if you wanted what i got why didn't you just order it?" and i'd have to explain "what would be the fun in that since then we'd have two of the same whereas now we have two different dishes and can share either." he never did get it. but he tolerated it…
"Rory?" Jess's voice pulls me back from the memories that cloud my brain without warning. I push them back into the box with a lock and a key in the corner of my head and reach across the table to fork some of Jess's meal and plop it in my mouth. As i'm doing so, he sizes me up. "You okay? You seemed to…go somewhere else for a minute there? did i loose you?" I chew and then swallow. "No, you didn't loose me. I'm right here." i reply and he rubs his lips together. "well, good."
And i'm not even going to attempt to comprehend what the belly flop and racing heart that occurred inside of me meant. after all, he said this in such a way that it were the most insignificant thing in the world. so clearly, he wasn't reacting remotely near the ways i was. i also don't spend too long thinking about how he so willing gave me rein of his meal and even tried a bite of mine, so i wouldn't feel bad stealing from his.
after we finish eating, he stands and tells me he'll be right back. i go to protest but don't. i'm not sure what stops me but i don't want to cause a riff between us, however small. i just want things to stay the way they are— friendly, casual. i assume he's gone to see his friend in the kitchen like the waiter advised him to but when he returns, he's holding our coats. "You ready?" He asks and i nod, startled and push my chair back from the table. "Yep, sure." I stand and he passes my trench coat over which i slip my arms into the sleeves of straight away.
"We're going to take a different exit than the one we came through originally, if that's okay?" i grin. "sure, that's okay. what are you up to, Jess?" he smirks and leads the way to the kitchen. i follow suit. "you're about to find out." he answers a beat later as he returns the wave of a waiter at the other end of the restaurant who okays us going through the swinging doors of the kitchen.
Jess holds it open for me and i draw it closed after us, trying to stop it from swinging too roughly. "WELL IF IT ISN'T JESS MARIANO! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, BOY? IT'S BEEN TOO LONG!" An unmistakably Italian voice booms, only slightly tainted by a downtown Brooklyn accent. Jess manoeuvres his way around a stainless steel spotless bench top with racks of saucepans and pots and ladles hanging overhead to reach the owner of the voice.
"Nico!" Jess is suddenly being enveloped in a hug by this short greasy looking Italian man of at least 60+ years who never the less, looks extremely kind spirited with a round face, welcoming brown eyes and curly black hair. Jess pulls back and slaps the man's shoulder affectionately. "Good to see you, my man." He replies as the so-called Nico's eyes fall to me. Jess immediately straightens up and comes to my side, reaching out his hand.
i glance down and without hesitating even a second, thread my fingers through his and follow his lead as he tugs me forward to be introduced to this Nico character. With out hands interlocked again, it's like the world has both stopped spinning and sped up all at once. i feel more calm and centred than i have at any point in the last five years but i also feel exhilarated and energised in ways i don't recall since..being seventeen.
"Nico, this is Rory. Rory Gilmore." I smile with my mouth shut, unsure of why Jess repeated my name that way, and feeling strangely nervous. Should i be nervous? Is it a big deal that he's introducing me to Nico of Da Nico's restaurant in Little Italy, New York?
A look of confusion dances across Nico's face and then something else. It's as though he's remembered something or be reminded he has a certain chore, like hanging the washing or feeding the dog, to do. "Ah. Miss Gilmore, pleasure." He reaches for my free hand and kisses it. i've never entirely understood this European greeting as i've always kind of found it a little gross. he doesn't know where my hand has been and right now, it probably smells like his food and feels a little warm due to the nerves. though, as i glance around his kitchen, i realise he's probably more than used to the scent of food.
"nice place you've got here." he lights up and grins at the walls and staff darting around us, who are busy adjusting nobs on stoves and shaking frypans and stirring pots mercilessly. "you think so?" he replies and Jess looks from Nico back to me in the spare second that Nico's focus is elsewhere as a chef holds up a spoonful for Nico to taste. It must pass the test as Nico merely glances back to us quickly and the chef nods once, racing away to add more sauce.
"we sure do like it." Nico adds. "it was good to say hello, but we really should take off, Nico." Jess says after a minute or so, shifting his feet. "oH, but did you order dessert? you must have dessert!" Nico announces, speeding away. Jess angles his body to face me, now that we're alone. Or as alone as you can be in a kitchen with a staff of about 11 people all busy and focused on close to twenty different tasks.
"i'm sorry, i know you probably want to get out of here. and i promise we'll leave as soon as he comes back. i just owed it to him to at least say hey, you understand that, don't you?" "of course, i do, Jess. You have nothing to say sorry for. Honestly, it's completely fine, more than fine. he seems really sweet." "Yeah?" "Yeah." i repeat and Jess starts tracing circles with his thumb on my palm. "Well, good. I'm glad you feel that way because this restaurant means a lot to me and it was a big deal for me to share—" "HERE WE GO!" Nico comes bustling back and produces two plastic to-go boxes. Jess smiles and takes them, tugging our hands free quickly to position them under one arm, half hugging Nico all the while.
"I'll be by again soon." He promises. Nico holds a finger up. "You better. We miss you too much around here if you don't drop by." His english isn't the greatest since it's obvious he migrated here from Italy, itself. "Yes, yes." Jess assures as Nico extends his arms to me, hugging me too this time. "Lovely to meet you, Little Miss Gilmore. You so tiny, Jess here must bring you back and we put some meat on those delicate bones of yours, hmm?" Jess swallows a snort and i smile at Nico's open and caring eyes. "Sure thing, sounds like a plan." I answer as Jess takes ahold of my hand again. It was as though it came as an instinct to him, as though he acted without thinking it over first. I can't explain how happy that makes me because to be quite frank, i don't entirely understand why it does it the first place.
"Thanks for the desserts, Nico. And for the meal too, it was incredible. It always is." Jess goes to move around Nico who waves us over and returns his attention to a stove to the right of where we'd stood. "Yeah, thank you so much!" i second. "You have a good night now, Jess and Rory!" He calls without looking back over his shoulder. Jess smiles at a few other chefs as we reach the door and i grab the handle so he doesn't have to let go of my hand or drop the desserts. "Thanks." He tells me as we go outside and i draw it closed again. We start to climb the steps. "Thank you for dinner." I tell him. "You really didn't have to pay." "It's okay, Rory. I wanted to. It's not everyday you're in the city and it was fun getting to take you out to one of my favourite places."
"Yeah, i certainly got the impression you're more than a regular." Jess laughs, swinging our arms. "Yeah, you could say that." "so what's in the boxes?" I ask after we've walked a block or so in comfortable silence. "I'm not sure, wanna check it out?" "oh, that's alright, we can always wait until we stop somewhere." i say, not wanting to cause a hassle. "no no, it's fine, we can check now." he pulls me aside, out of people's way as much as you can be in New York and places the packages on a ledge, dropping my hand to open one up. i mask my disappointment by bringing my coat tighter around me and leaning up on tippy toes to peer inside.
the first box contains mud cake and whipped cream with a strawberry. the smell carries in the night breeze and i smile, closing my eyes. "hmmm." i sigh. "that smells so good." Jess laughs and closes the lid, hooking it back into place and passing it to me to hold. as he does so, our fingers brush and an electric current might as well have passed through us from the way he bounces back. neither of us acknowledges it, so he lifts the lid of the second box. it's a blueberry pie, again with whipped cream and some scattered raspberries and sugar on top. "Which do you want?" Jess asks, bringing the box down from the ledge and hooking it closed again.
we start to walk again without agreeing to, but this time we're not holding hands. instead we're each holding a to-go box. "i'm not fussed. you decide." i offer. Jess shrugs. "i've never been picky. you're the visitor, you choose." i bite back a retort and just go with the plainest response. "well, i'll have the mud cake and you have the pie, makes the most sense since that's what we're each holding." "alright." he agrees, as we stop at a crossing. "did i do something..?" i start. "something like what?" he asks, as the light changes and we cross, people bumping and shoving their way past. i give this guy a semi-dirty look for elbowing me in the boob. that causes another memory to appear behind my eyes.
"hey, remember that withering stare i told you about the last time we were in New York together?" Jess doesn't even look my way. "Yeah." He says, his mind somewhere else. "Jess," i say and then again when he still doesn't respond. "Jess, hey." This time he looks at me briefly. "What is it? What have I done?" "You haven't done anything, Rory." He stops and then curses. "Except not tell me where your hotel is." I stop walking too and then think for a moment. "Oh, the Surrey Hotel." i remember. This morning already feels like a year ago. Was it really less than 24 hours ago that i touched down in this city?
"Right." Jess reevaluates. "We need to head west off 34th street and north on 52." He turns around and we start off in the direction we've just come. "Sorry. i didn't deliberately not tell you or anything, it just…it slipped my mind that you'd have to take me back to the hotel at some point. i mean, not have to obviously but would probably offer to inevitably at some stage, because y'know you're polite and all and i just completely lost track of time and—i'm blabbering, aren't i? if i'm blabbering you know you can just tell me and i'll stop. you know how to make me stop blabbering, don't you? heck, you had to deal with it enough when we were dating that you'd have picked—" "Rory?"
"Yeah?" "You're blabbering." "Right. Thanks for uh..telling me straight." "You said that's what i should do, you asked me if i remembered how to make you stop and it used to be by just pointing out that you were blabbering since it was generally something which eluted your notice. So i told you and now you're insulted, should i not have told you? did you not want me to tell you?"
"No, no! That's not it, at all! of course, i wanted you to tell me. it's okay, Jess. you did the right thing. i'm completely most definitely not insulted, please don't think that you'd insult me like that and that i'd take things so literally, i really didn't.." He gives me a look as we stop at another set of lights and i go quiet. "sorry." i squeak, swapping the package from one hand to the next. "it's alright." he tells me, licking his lips and pushing hair back from his face.
"we should be at your hotel in about twenty minutes. unless you wanna catch the subway?" he suggests. i shrug and then think better of it, realising he'll probably option for the latter of the two choices. "i'm good with walking. in fact i could do with a walk." "okay." "not enough people walk these days, have you noticed that? what with skateboards and rip sticks and scooters and bikes and taxis and subways and buses and tram cars and everything else there is. hardly anybody walks in America anymore, or the rest of the world for that matter. walking's important, it's a crucial part of a healthy lifestyle balance. don't you think walking's important?"
"sure." he replies bluntly as we finish crossing and step back onto the footpath again, the cars starting up behind us, making hooked turns illegally and switching lanes, cutting people off who will flip the bird out their window by way of a response. "i don't know why i'm blabbering this much. i haven't blabbered this much since…well, i don't know when actually. maybe since i was in—" "Rory, we're here." "We're here? Where's here?" i glance up and the looming SURREY HOTEL sign answers the question for me or rather for Jess.
"Oh." i say and then face Jess under the awning cover of the hotel's main entrance. "does this mean we say goodbye now?" "probably." he shoves a hand in his pocket and holds out the to-go box. "why don't you take this too?" "what? Jess, i can't take your dessert." "Nah, c'mon, don't be silly. i want you to have it. you'll probably get hungry later and you can pack it away in that fancy mini fridge your room no doubt has. go on, Rory. i don't need it." he thumps his middle, suggesting he could loose a few pounds. my jaw might as well have hit the ground. "you're kidding, right?" i pause before rushing on, not wanting to loose my nerve. "Jess, you're one of the fittest people i know. i mean, look at you for god's sake, you're all muscle and you're not like super beefy and unappealing like those guys on the banners for protein powder or for gyms, y'know the ones?"
Jess just smirks to the ground, suddenly appearing so interested in studying his feet. "can't say that i do." he replies. okay, so i just called Jess fit and appealing…no big deal, right? i look to the revolving doors and gulp. i don't want this night to be over, not yet, especially not when i've just made it awkward again with my incessant blabbering.
"want to come up?" that gets his attention. "rory, i don't think—" "wait, wait. let me guess." i say, holding out my hand. "you don't think..it's a good idea?" he doesn't say anything and i know i've got him. "i'm not inviting you up for anything more than.." i hold up the to-go box. "..two old friends sharing dessert after dinner and a catch-up. that's all this is, Jess. There's no need to go reading too much into this."
I stride towards the doors and turn at the last minute, tilting my chin up at him, a challenging tone to my voice. "well, what will it be?" i call and he stands still, looking at me with no expression and then he looks over his shoulder as though someone from home might be standing there like Mum or Luke or Taylor Doosey to voice their disapproval. but nobody's there, of course, except the few hundred New Yorkers that fill the cars and buses and sidewalks. nobody's there to actually stop us, to be more specific.
Jess is quick when he starts towards me and we're laughing, pushing our way through the revolving doors, stumbling into the lobby and passing the doorman who has a knowing look on his face. he probably thinks we're in love, or we're heading up to our room to have sex. but he's wrong, i convince myself.
"old friends, huh?" Jess repeats, as i reach out to press the button for the elevator. we stand together but with space between us, waiting. "yeah, old friends. what else would you call us?" i challenge. "well, earlier in the night, correct me if i'm wrong, but i do recall you calling me your ex-boyfriend?" the word sends a shudder through me. "so, you'd rather us be exes than old friends?"
"it's more honest, isn't it?" the elevator dings and i walk through first, spinning around and leaning against the pole that stretches across all three walls. "a little white lie never hurt nobody." i recite and Jess looks to the floor, as he follows me in and the doors ding shut. "what are we doing, Rory?" he tells me as i press a finger to my floor number's button. "you tell me." i answer, stepping closer, pushing him against the elevator wall. "Rory…" "Jess.." "You know how when i picked you up, you ran to me?" "Yeah?" i run my fingers along his jacket's collar and down his chest.
"why'd you do that?" "what do you mean?" i press my body against his own. "what made you jump into me like that?" i don't smile, the moment feels too serious, too fragile for that now. i also don't map out my answer and instead just say exactly the truth, not sugarcoating it or tweaking it to sound lighter. "it was an instinct. it was a reflex more than anything else. i saw you there and i just did it, i just had to get to you. there wasn't a lot of thought put into it, now that i look back on it. i guess, i just acted on impulse, for once in my life.."
i lean back and go to take a step away from him but then he does something i wasn't expecting, he rests a hand on my hip and pulls me against him again. we're both leaning now. if the wall was to give out, we'd be toast. but there's something exciting about that, somehow.
he bites his lip, not meeting my eye. "so we're going to do this, now?" "do what exactly?" i toy, wrapping my arms around his shoulders, still holding the to-go box in one hand, having dropped my bag to the floor. "i got to ask you a serious question. it only seems fair that you get to ask one back." i must look surprised because he does the half-smile-head-tilt he used to do when we were together and he'd catch me off guard about something. "not what you were expecting?" "you could say that." i throw his cryptic phrase back at him. he realises this and seems pleased.
"okay," i tap my fingers on his back, thinking it over. "c'mon, rory, we don't have all night, y'know?" he reminds and the elevator suddenly confirms this by announcing our arrival on my floor. "and there's reality." he says as i push off him and peek through the doors. okay, so nobody's waiting for the lift at ten minutes to midnight on a Tuesday night, not exactly a surprise. i lean back into the lift and press the highest floor. "okay." i turn back to him as the doors slide shut once more and this time, place my to-go box on the floor, taking his from him as well, stacking them up against the wall, so we don't kick them over accidentally.
"where were we?"
his arms come around me comfortably as he fills me in. "you were taking uncannily long to think of a question." "oh, right. a serious one?" "a serious one." i laugh a little. "okay. how about this; when we were at the restaurant before…" "Da Nico's." he provides. "Da Nico's. Did i just imagine it or did Nico know who i was?" "well you are a big time foreign correspondent so maybe he's read one of your articles before." he poses. "somehow…i don't think that's it." "oh, you don't, do you?" he smirks. "Jess…" i wait and when he still doesn't say anything, i remind him of our agreement. "I answered yours. You gave me one serious question as a reward and this is my question. So you have to answer." "Okay." he pauses and then tries again.
"i might've…mentioned you to him before..it's no big deal." he shrugs and reaches up to brush some hair from my face. i meet his eyes, our faces even closer now. "no big deal?" "no big deal." "bullshit. i'm calling it." i say and then our mouths are smashing together and i'm loping my fingers through his hair and he's wrapping his arms protectively around my body and lifting me. my legs are suddenly looped around his.
then….the ding of the elevator sounds. we break apart and Jess groans, not out of pain. "i'm gunna kill whoever created that damn sound." his voice is husky and i throw my head back laughing. "not if i kill them first." i say, kissing him slower this time. then i'm crawling down from him and lifting our stuff into my arms, tilting my head for him to follow me out.
"Rory…what are we doing? this isn't your floor." "i know, but that's what's fun about it." i say and dump my bag and our to-go boxes on the chaise lounge. "let's go to the roof." "the roof? i don't think the Surrey has a roof." "oh, really?" i say and take his hand in mine, pulling him down the corridor. we search and search for a stairwell leading to the roof but sure enough, Jess is right. No roof.
"I can't believe there's no roof." i say, swinging our arms as we arrive back at the elevator again. Jess presses down and goes to gather up our stuff once more. "it was a cool idea." he sympathises and then we're walking back into the elevator. he looks to me before pressing the button. "floor five." i tell him and he clicks it. "so..should we keep going with the serious question game or..?" i suggest.
"you've got another then, i gather?" he jokes, as we stand side by side but not touching. "maybe." i reply, taking my bag from him. "thanks for grabbing this, by the way." i say and he clips a nod. then the ding and we usher ourselves out. i forget which direction — left or right that my room is in so we end up roaming the corridor for a while until we find it.
Jess doesn't say a word about it, though i know he's itching to voice some smug remark. i'm acting drunk even though i only had one class of red at the restaurant, so that can't be it. is it possible i'm drunk on Jess? on the adrenaline at seeing him again?
i scan the key card and shove the heavy door open with my shoulder, suddenly feeling the exhaustion from today consume me. we walk in and leave the door to shut by itself which is inevitably does with a neat click only seconds later. i toss my bag to the chair by the window and stop by the window to stare out at the lights and the busy city which doesn't sleep. "there's no way i could do it." "do what?" "not sleep." i reply as Jess carefully places the desserts on the marble table and glances around the room, stuffing his hands in his pockets again.
"not too shabby." he comments on the room and i shrug. "company's shout." i explain and he nods, as though this is the most normal thing in the world even though we both know it isn't for him. he joins me by the window as i speak again. "y'know how people have always said this city doesn't sleep…well, i don't think i could live like that. i like sleep too much." "not to mention you need it." he reminds and i lean against the window frame. "always mr. logical." i say as he lifts his shoulders before letting them fall once more and doesn't laugh this time.
"it's your turn." i point out and without missing a beat, he's ready with his second question. "when we met up after your meeting and you hugged me…and said we weren't doing anything wrong..is that what this is to you? wrong?" "no, Jess. god no."
"well, it just sounded like maybe you felt—" i kiss him square on the mouth and meet his eyes, tracing my finger down his jawline, keeping our faces close. "this is not wrong. truthfully, this couldn't feel more right to me." i insist and he nods, rubbing his lips together and looking away from me. i step back, return to my previous stance. "tag. you're it." he quips, though his heart isn't in that one, i can tell.
i lean over to flick on a lamp so we have more light illuminating us than just the faint glow of the far off city lights through the glass. "what did my Mum say when you asked her if she approved of us getting back together?" those words hit us both hard, i can tell by the way he almost flinches but doesn't stammer in his response, as though it's all on the line now and the stakes have been raised to high to mess around any longer.
the prospect of us actually trying things again, actually both applying ourselves this time, being older and wiser and more equipped now than before…getting back together really does seem like a mutual…what exactly? a goal, a wish, a hope, a decision, a consideration to be made? i'm not sure. maybe it's all of the above rolled into one big fat gigantic mess but one that we finally stand more of a chance than before of making sense of.
"i knew you wouldn't let that one slip by.." he touches a hand to his jaw and turns away from the window and then back again, only to look me dead in the eye. "she said she believed i had changed…that i had grown and if we were to try again, you and me, that she could see things unfolding differently between us."
"different, how exactly?" "she told me i'd have to be patient with you since…keep in mind this was at the wedding so she was referring to how…well, you'd just turned down Logan's proposal and were in a sensitive state, emotionally at the time.." i swallow, processing that, my mind more alert than it's been possibly all day. Jess goes on.
"she also said that it would take some honest effort to commit on your part." "but she believed we stood a chance?" "yes. she said she could see us working better now than we did at seventeen due to the fact that we've both grown up a lot since then and faced many changes—" "So she gave us her blessing?" "Her— Rory, what is this, the 18th century? Who says we need her blessing?"
"Just answer the question, Jess." "Okay, fine. Well, yeah, i s'pose, if you want to put it like that, she gave us her blessing. she didn't seem outrageously repulsed by the idea, if that's anything to go by." "ew, Jess, really?" he shrugs. "figured it was worth mentioning." i scoff at him and then kick off my shoes and drape my trench coat over the back of the chair. "look, i really need to pee but i'll be right back!" i dart into the bathroom and shut the door.
when i reemerge he's lying on his back on the bed, his legs hanging over the end. his eyes are closed. "Jess.." i whisper. he starts awake. "oh my god, i'm so sorry, i didn't realise how tired i was. it's been—" "a long day? yeah, tell me about it." i groan and climb up to lay beside him, us both blinking at the ceiling. "i was going to say so long since i've lied on a mattress this firm but yeah, long day works too." i laugh and he does too.
"wanna sleep over?" i ask and he turns his head to look at me. i roll onto my side, pulling my knees up to my chest, so i'm like an egg. "you still do that?" "you remember me doing this?!" i exclaim, genuinely surprised. "well, yeah." he says slowly, as though he's overstepped somehow. i smile, my eyes lighting up. "stay with me." "Rory, look today's been amazing but.." "i don't mean let's sleep together, Jess. i mean let's sleep together." he studies me a moment. "sleep as in sleep?" "sleep as in sleep." i repeat and then push myself up and crawl further up the bed. he sits up too and watches as i toss the big pillows to the floor.
looks like the maid did turn down while i was out. "close the drapes, would you? i want to sleep in. i only flew in at 5 this morning and it practically feels like a year has passed in the span of day." Jess obliges and then stays standing as i tug up the tucked in sheets, ruining the maid's no doubt flawless work and pull the covers up to my chin, settling in.
"Jess, would you just get in here already? i promise not to sexually harass you while we lay beside each other, okay?" "can i get that in writing?" he laughs and i throw a pillow at him which hits the lamp on the table but luckily doesn't cause it to crash to floor
"that's yours by the way, so you might want to fetch that." i point out smartly and roll over, my hair fanning out behind me on the pillow. it feels so good to be back in bed. the cold sheets are reassuring and welcoming. "stop hesitating, Jess." i say with my eyes closed and my back to him, knowing perfectly well that he's overthinking this and too afraid of crossing some line.
i listen as he takes off his shoes slowly and arranges them at the bottom of the side of the bed and pulls back his side of the duvet. "you're letting the cold air in!" i exclaim and he almost jumps out of his skin. "sorry." he murmurs and i laugh, rolling back over to face him. "it's fine. geez, when did you get so jumpy, jack?" "Jess." he corrects. "i know. it was a joke. like a jumping jack? oh geez, you've lost your wit now too?"
he thumps his pillow and then lays down, on his stomach, finally settling in. "you're sure about this?" "yep." i reply, reaching out to pat his hair like one might do to a small child. "sweet dreams Jess." i tuck both hands under my pillow, still facing him and shutting my eyes again. "you too, Rory." he replies. "night." "night."
In the morning, i'm the first one awake and roll over to find Jess is facing the window with his bangs in his face. i brush them away and smile softly at his peaceful sleeping face. then i push myself into a sitting position and draw the covers back, careful not to snatch away his share. i reach across the mantel for my phone but then remember i never took it out of my bag last night. so i climb tentatively out of bed and tiptoe across the carpeted floor to slip it from my bag and plug it into the charger since it's gone flat. i flip the switch to silent to make sure the half a dozen alerts from work and Mum i've no doubt missed don't disturb Jess.
Next i head for my catastrophic bag and do my best to produce clean clothes. i compromise by re-wearing a shirt from several days ago, which luckily doesn't smell too badly of Monaco spices. i carry my bra, undies, jeans, tank top and button up to the bathroom, making sure to grab my perfume and makeup bag too. after the shower and getting dressed, i wander back through to the bedroom and am only mildly surprised he's still asleep with his arm draped over the pillow, hugging it to his face. i pick up the post-it sticky note i'd left on my pillow and scrunch it up to toss in the hotel bin. i just scrawled messily that i was getting dressed in case he woke up and panicked, thinking i'd done a runner on him or something crazy like that, and was too tired or panicked or a combination of the two to hear the shower running.
i'm just combing my wet hair in front of the mirror when he stirs. "morning sleepyhead." i say in a singsong voice and he moans slightly, shoving his face further into the pillow. i laugh and bound up on the bed beside him, shaking him awake. he stretches and then sheepishly blinks up at me looming over him, close to smiling. "what time is it?" his voice is husky and i grin, shaking him once more before pushing off his back and looking at the clock. "10am." "oh, boy." he yawns. "i overslept." "hey, it wasn't just you."
"oh, yeah? you wouldn't know it, would you? look at yourself, Rory, you're all stubbed squeaky clean and dressed to the nines." i blush and scoff at him, standing up again and returning to the mirror. "don't tease." "i'm not teasing. you look good." he murmurs, rolling over to watch me open my foundation. "well, you're not such an eyesore, yourself." he laughs and flips onto his back, looking at the ceiling and running a hand through his hair. "i probably look like i'm homeless. still fully clothed and in a hotel room at the Surrey. Not exactly how i expected my Wednesday to begin, that's for sure." i laugh, stroking my eyelashes with the mascara wand. "i still have to put on my makeup anyway."
"you don't need it, Rory. Never have." He replies sharply, not making any move to sit up. i pause, my arm frozen in the air, and process this. The appropriate response would be thank you but i don't think my tongue can manage even that now. "Okay, so i was thinking i'd call room service to bring us up some breakfast." i announce, after finishing up my makeup and kneeling down to make a start on packing my bag. "we could always just grab something on the streets…i know this really great bakery stand which does warm croissants or breakfast baguettes with salami and spinach and melted cheese and the most mind blowing pesto you'll ever come across—" "Okay, okay." I stand up, dropping the heels i'd been holding to the mountain of my stuff.
"i'm sold. i can do this later. let's go now." i stride across the room for my boots and perch on the edge of the bed to slip my feet inside and zip them up. Jess finally releases the pillow and sits up, yawning once more and rubbing at his face, getting the sleep from the corner of his eyes. "right now?" i smirk. "well, you're welcome to take a shower if you need. right through there." i point to the open bathroom. he follows my gesture and then shakes his head. "i'll just use the loo and splash my face." "with loo water?" he scrunches up his face. "no, Rory. Geez, how old are you again?" he laughs and throws my phrase from last night back at me. i laugh too and he climbs out of bed, clicking the bathroom door shut behind him.
i unplug my phone and slip it inside my back pocket and grab my wallet, slipping my sunglasses through my hair, perching them on my head. it isn't longer than a few minutes until Jess re-emerges, looking significantly less like a zombie version of himself, having made a commendable effort to tame his matted hair and washed his face. "Ready?" "Yep." I reply and he puts his shoes on as i pull open the door. He wanders through first and i follow, this time yanking it shut myself.
we head toward the elevator, him leading the way, clearly better at remembering which direction it's in than me. neither of us mentions this as we wait for one to arrive. it's a longer wait than last night since i assume the hotel's naturally busier at 10:15am on an Wednesday morning than at midnight on a Tuesday night. i start to feel anxious, anticipating the tense mood that'll probably fall over us as we ride the elevator down, both trying to act like we're not thinking of making out in the very same lift last night.
but when the elevator finally does stop on the fifth floor to pick us up, my anxiety evaporates since there's a family of four already inside, a toddler on the father's hip and a boy about half her height, leaning against the mother as she rubs his shoulders. Jess and I both dip our heads at them by way of greeting and step inside, turning to face the closing doors. we share a look, possibly of combined relief and disappointment, neither one dominating over the other and don't speak.
