CHAPTER FIVE / JESS
we exit the elevator, with the family following close behind us and merge into the lobby. as we're approaching the revolving doors, Rory lifts her sunnies down from her hair to cover her eyes. i push the door through and we step out onto the street together, the sun bright and warm. "it's this way." i point right and she nods, following into step beside me easily. we move in silence, still not speaking. i don't know what to say, where to start.
last night was confusing. we called each other "old friends" and "exes" but we held hands and made out in a lift, riding it higher than we had to. she asked me to spend the night and even though, we both kept our clothes on all night, right down to socks, i still can't shake the feeling there was more behind it.
i don't reach for her hand this time and she reveals nothing about how she feels about this or if she even notices it at all. the food stand is further from her hotel than i initially thought, so i stop and face her. "wanna just take a cab? i think it might actually be quite a hike, now that we're outside and i can fully get my bearings." "oh. right. okay, yeah sure that sounds good." she answers, thinking it over and we flag down a yellow taxi, her sliding through first. i tell the driver the street, adding that he can drop us at either end, whichever's easiest for him and this earns a tight smile.
most drivers appreciate little compromises like that from their passengers as it saves them turning down a certain narrow adjoining lane and risk stalling at the transition to merge back onto the main road, all so the people can get out as close to a shop as possible. usually there's always a much quicker route which doesn't test their tolerance and just involves only a few metres of walking on our part.
"thank you." Rory tells him, reaching into her wallet, batting my hand away and handing over the money herself. The driver thanks her also and twists around to pass her the change. "you've got a keeper here, mister. a girl who's not hesitant to reach into her pocket to cover things, ain't that a rare thing." he tells me cheerily, waving us off. Rory lets out a nervous laugh and gets out of her own side this time. i slam the door and tap the roof, giving him the a-okay to pull away from the curb. Rory joins me on the side walk, glancing around us.
"so where are we?" she asks and i tell her as we start down the street. "it's not too far now." i add and she nods, taking our hectic surroundings in. if it wasn't for the sunglasses, i have a feeling she'd been looking a bit like a wide-eyed Bambi right about now.
it still amazes me how out of place Rory appears in a place any bigger than Hartford, Connecticut even after having left behind her home town almost a whole decade ago. she's traveled to places as remote as Monaco, Brazil, Japan, Australia, England and Sweden through living out her Christiane Amanpourlifestyle and yet, she's always appears her most relaxed and happy with Stars Hollow as her backdrop, at least to me.
we stop and i smile at the merchant. "this is it?" she asks. "this is it." i reply and reel off my order as Rory's eyes skim the sign. "May i?" "Sure." she smiles, not hesitating to grant me permission to order for her. we stand off to the side as the two guys running the stand make up our breakfast. they hand them over in brown packaging. "you really didn't have to pay again." she points out. "well you got the taxi." i remind. "yeah, well you got the dinner last night at Nico's." "that is true but i did crash at your hotel last night, so technically i owe you big time for putting me up for the night." i peel back my packaging, ripping the paper bag.
Rory follows suit, as we keep an eye out for a free bench, walking away from the food stand and folds the wrapping of her baguette just like i have. "yeah, but it's not like you needed somewhere to crash, considering you do live in New York which would translate to you having a house or apartment of your own…yes?" when i don't answer immediately, she freaks. "Jess…you do have a place to go home to…right?" i tap my cheek which is full with food, to communicate why i'm not replying right off the bat.
after chewing some more, i swallow and grin at her, close to laughing but holding back. "yes, Rory, i have a home. Geez, have a spasm attack much?" she rolls her eyes and shoves me, taking a bite of her baguette. "Don't scare me like that, god." "Technically it's not all mine." "What's not?" "My place. Seb and I room." I explain.
"Oh." She raises her eyebrows in reaction. "Yeah, i know. it's a little pathetic to still have a roommate at 27 but we're good mates and it's not like we're trading off on the futon or the bed each week or anything remotely college scenario like." Rory laughs. "Jess, it's fine, really. You don't need to justify it to me." "I know..i'm not. I just wanted to clarify that." She nods, trying not to laugh again. "Right. Well clarify, you did."
"Good." i stretch and watch as a greying woman with her prissy daughter who's practically drowning in shopping bags abandon a bench. "THERE!" we rush forward and bag it just in time as two guys come out of a clothing store with only female mannequins in the window. they cross their arms at us, clearly having intended to make a beeline for the bench. it's obvious they're the boyfriends of girls they've probably left inside the store and are understandably bored out of their minds.
Rory and i share a look, a satisfied smirk playing on her lips, but which she's kind enough to conceal as the guys reluctantly return into the store. "so you like it?" i take another bite. she grins. "love it. it's awesome, Jess. Taste sensation." i stop, mid bite. she looks at me, surprised.
"what?" she asks. "nothing, it's just…that's what me and Seb call it." she holds up her own baguette as though asking "this?" and i nod. "oh." is all she says, processing this. "weird." i remark and then go back to eating. she does the same only waits a little longer than i did. "what a coincidence."
it doesn't mean anything. i firmly tell myself inside my head. just because Seb and i once made a wise crack dare about how if either of us were to ever find a girl that referred to the breakfast baguette stand as a "taste sensation" we were to marry her that instant…doesn't mean Rory's that girl..the one for me or anything.
i don't dare let her in on this joke between Seb and me. truth be told, i don't see any good coming from it. "i want to see your place." she says suddenly as i'm finishing up eating. i would gap but i don't think that'd be much of a pretty sight right now and out of common courtesy for Rory, i ultimately decide against it.
"you want to see my place?" i repeat, to double check i didn't just have a stroke or something tragic and somehow mishear "i want a coke" for "i want to see your place." "Yep." she smacks her lips together. i look down to the remains of her breakfast. "you haven't finished eating though." i stall for time.
she grins cheekily, like she knows this is what i'm doing and isn't remotely bothered by it. next thing i know she's extending her arm out to me. "i'm full. d'you wanna finish it off or should i just toss it?" i blink at her, momentarily rendered speechless. "never in all the years i've known you have you been full."
this earn a laugh from her, her head leaned back and her eyes bright. "true. but i'm not hungry anymore and i don't want to stuff it down and feel sick later. i have a mini road trip ahead of me today, remember?" how could i forget..the one she invited me along on and to which i basically threw the invite back in her face by calling it a disastrous suggestion.
"y-you can't t-toss a breakfast baguette from Bert&Ernie's stand on Bay Parkway. it's practically a criminal offence." i stammer, making a grab at loose string, close to saying anything to veer us off this course, the one that involves her nagging me to take her to Seb and I's apartment.
"Bert and Ernie? Like the children's programme?" She tilts her head, studying me. "Yeah…it's the name of the brothers who run the stand." "Who was their father? Big Bird or Elmo?" She giggles. Rory…giggles now? it's such a girly sound, it sounds absurd coming from her. Not to say Rory's not a girl, of course she's a girl…it's just she's not that girl who giggles and flirts and bats her eyelids to get her way.
"You've got at least a third left." i inform to which she persistently shoves it under my chin as a response. "then you've gotta finish it for me. you said so yourself. one must never toss a most legendary breakfast baguette from Bert&Ernie's stand on Bay Parkway street." she recites, emphasising their names and mocking me all the while. i narrow my eyes at her. "fine." i retort, snatching it from her. She claps her hands, a look of victory on her face. "Aha!"
"So…how far is your place from here?" "from here? uh…" my voice trails off as i take a bite of her breakfast, having tossed the empty wrapping from mine into the nearby trash can already. "yeah, from here. i mean, it must be nearby, right? considering you and Seb come to Bert&Ernie's for breakfast regularly, right? i mean, maybe i'm reading too much into this, but that was the impression i got when you didn't even skim the options and suggested it straight away this morning, hardly even thinking about it, as though it was just naturally your first choice."
"yeah…" i reply slowly. "oh c'mon, Jess. what's the big deal in you showing me your place?" "i don't know, Rory. what's the big deal in you seeing it?!" i retort, glaring at her. she opens her mouth to reply and then shuts it again, hesitating. then she stands and adjusts her sunglasses. "okay, you don't want to show it to me, that's fine. i'm sorry i brought it up. it's your space and i shouldn't have overstepped." she turns around and starts walking away. "Rory, oi, wait up!" i call, pushing off the bench and running after her. "hey!" i grab her arm and pull her not roughly, back around to face me, causing her to stand still.
"don't do that, don't just walk off like this is nothing." i say. "you're right. it isn't nothing, is it?" she snaps. "huh?" i frown at her, biting into the baguette again. she tears it from my grasp. "can you just quit it with the breakfast roll for a minute, Jess?" i itch to correct her but i stay quiet and simply wipe at my mouth with the back of my hand, waiting for her to explain why she's snatched my food away.
"it isn't nothing that you don't want me to see your place! it's hurtful to me, Jess!" "why?" "because!" "because why, Rory?" i jab a finger at her, not touching her but feeling myself growing more frustrated with this game of charades it seems we've fallen into a loop of repeating.
"because if we're going to be apart of each other's lives again, we have to be 100% honest, like you said Mum said and you keeping a part of your life from me, a huge part, isn't being honest!" "well, it isn't dishonest!" i retort. "it's acting misleading!" she shouts, glaring at me. "oh please." i scoff and move around her. "and there you go with the walking away again and just expecting me to fall into step behind you."
i spin around and hold out my arms. "fine, if you don't like it, then don't do it!" "fine! you know what? maybe i won't this time!" she spins around quickly, bumping into an old man trying to squeeze past her. she apologises profusely and then storms off, aggressively throwing the remains of what was first her breakfast and then mine into the first bin she comes across, not even stopping still to do so.
"UGH!" I groan, wanting to stomp too but knowing how immature it would look. instead i break into a jog after her. "RORY! HEY!" i shove my way through the crowd, unapologetically because it's new york and they should be used to people who are in a rush to get somewhere — or in my case, to someone. i catch up to her in not time and tap her shoulder. "Just don't bother, Jess." she shrugs me off and keeps walking and i have to be careful not to loose her.
i consider reaching to take her hand in my own again but don't see how this would help me right now. it's likely to just confuse the shit out of us even more than our time spent together over the last 16 hours or so, already has.
We continue in silence for a hundred metres or so until the sign of a new street appears in the near distance. "You wanna make a left here." I suggest and she finally looks at me. "And why would i want to do that?" "because it's the way to my house." she keeps her face stark of emotion, though i'm almost sure i see a flicker of surprise cross her features ever so quickly.
returning her gaze to straight ahead, Rory concentrates on weaving her way through the somewhat strong current of people moving in the opposite direction to us. "right." i tell her at the next corner and she doesn't show any indication of having heard me except for turning the way i advised. this makes me smirk. Seb better not be walking around in his boxers is all i can say.
"here." i say and then when i realise she hasn't heard me, again louder. "just here, Rory." she comes to a halt. "oh, here?" she looks up at the building. "yep." i tell her and start up the stairs, she follows and i shove my hand into the back pocket of my old worn jeans for the keys, grateful when my fingers come in contact with the familiar cold metal keyring because it means we don't have to buzz Seb to let us in. I don't even know if he's home or not. we walk through the doorway and i gesture that i've got to check the mail. she stands aside as i do so.
i fix the key into the lock and turn, swinging the tiny locker-like door open and reaching in to take out the five envelopes inside. Seb and i really ought to check the mail more often, i think to myself silently as Rory and i approach the stairs. i flick through the envelopes, landing on a water bill that's at least a week overdue. i gulp, hopefully we're not cut off again. i quickly shove that one to the back of the pack, so Rory doesn't get a chance to recognise the symbol of the water company and ask something painful like "you're having money problems are you, Jess?" because gulping at a bill is never a good sign. "we're on the second floor." i explain as we reach the first landing.
i watch as she looks at the lifts as we pass and start up the next set of stairs. "they haven't worked the whole time i've lived here." she raises her eyebrows. "oh, and how long's that been?" i pretend to have to rack my brain, even though i recall the exact day i moved in. "it'll be six years this October." surprise fills out her features. "wow, that's a long time." "yeah, kinda. i mean, technically i've come and gone over that time because of the working in Philly stint i did and crossing state lines to put the book in independent book stores..but y'know still counts."
"yeah, of course. so you still paid rent when you weren't here for all that time?" i nod. "sorta. i had some buddies crashing on and off so i charged them for like the rent and then i covered all the bills. or maybe it was the other way 'round." i try to think. "we landed on some agreement like that anyway." she smiles, nodding her understanding. "that's really smart of you, Jess, to utilise the space even when you were away and to get something out of it like that." i shrug. "well, it saved me having to haul my crap out and then back in again like ten months later, so y'know, everybody wins." she laughs.
we finally reach the second floor and i hold the glass door, that separates the elevator section/floor common space from the apartments, open for her to move through first. i follow and she looks back over her shoulder at me to check whether to keep walking or not. concentrating on sorting through my keys, i reel off the apartment number without looking up at her. "8B." "huh." she says, her eyes flying from door to door as we head deeper down the corridor. "huh, what?" i ask, holding up a key to my face, trying to find some kind of brand or symbol on it to indicate what it's for. i swear i've never seen this key before in my entire life yet it looks extremely old and well-used.
"oh, it's nothing. it's just…like my birthday." she says, her voice quivering toward the end as though she regrets saying anything in the first place. i look up as she stops. "aha here it is!" she squeals, excited. "i never thought of that before." i reply slowly. "but yeah, you're right.." i add. she starts to fiddle with her watch. "yeah..i didn't expect you to remember or anything.." "i remembered. October 8th, right?" she looks up and we both just stand there, feeling hundreds of miles apart but really with less than a metre between us. "i shouldn't have said anything..i didn't mean to make things weird." she blurts and i dip my head, moving past carefully. "nah, it's fine. no biggie." "yeah, no biggie. exactly." she repeats, processing this. i turn away from her to face the door and right before i jam the key in the lock, it swings open from the inside.
Rory gets a fright and my eyes grow wide as a result. "i thought i heard voices!" Jax's smug face blinks back at me. "I thought you said you lived with Sebastian.." Rory starts. "Or is this him—are you Seb? I'm sorry if i got you mixed up! i thought you were— " Rory starts to babble and i interrupt before Jax can use this as an excuse to re-introduce himself and touch Rory by shaking hands. I don't want his hands anywhere near her. "Jax, what are you doing here?" he smirks, glancing from Rory back to me a few THOUSAND times, acting mortifying obvious. "crashed here since you never made it home." he fills me in. "no use having a spare bed go to waste, now is there?"
"oh god, you didn't have sex in my bed again, did you? because if you seriously brought some chick back here last night, you're going in there right now and stripping the sheets, man!" i barge past him into the living room and his back hits the door. "hey dude, chill." he looks from me to Rory, holding an arm out for her to enter. she tries to smile at him and steps through the doorway. i can tell she's uncomfortable in Jax's presence, though it could just also be due to me saying the word sex. Rory never did like talking about shit like that.
"i thought you'd have mellowed out by now, since getting some and all last night.." i swing around, ready to throw a punch at him but Rory steps between us, quickly and firmly. she presses herself against my body. "he's not worth it, Jess. calm down." she mutters under her breath, a hand reaching up to rest on my neck, pulling my forehead down to rest against hers. is it possible she remembers this always used to calm me down back in the days that we were together whenever i got aggressive about something..?
Jax's smirk only grows over Rory's shoulder. he points to her leaning in to me and mouths "she's so keen for you.." and i take a step forward but Rory's ready and brings her arms around me loosely. "Jess.." she says louder this time, warning me. "okay, okay." i remove her arms from around me and pretend to not notice the hurt look that falls on her face in reaction to this.
"I'm gunna head out.." Jax's voice trails off. "what are you waiting for? a farewell parade?" i remark, turning my back on him and moving further into the apartment. "is Seb even here?" Jax doesn't answer me, instead i hear the door slam from behind. Rory flinches as i glance over my shoulder at her. i tilt my head forward, indicating for her to follow me.
"well this is the crappy kitchen." i joke and she smiles. "it is not that bad." she sympathises and i give her a look. "it's just snug." she remarks, a spark behind her eyes. i smirk. "it's tiny." we're standing in front of my bedroom door now and might as well wander through since Jax in all his charm, has left it wide open and the bed unmade and clothes scattered everywhere on the floor.
"And this is your room?" "My room." She nods, glancing around. I bend down to collect clothes. "It's usually not this messy…fuck what am I saying? It's usually worse." She laughs and moves over to the five or so polaroids that are in a neat line on the wall across from my bed. i shove the clothes into the dirty hamper and start to strip my bed. "here, let me help you." she comes over and starts pulling up a corner on the far side. "thanks." i mumble and we work silently.
"i'm kinda thirsty..could i maybe get myself a glass of water?" she asks after the bed's bare and i lug the new sheets and pillow covers off the top shelf of my wardrobe. "yeah, sure. sorry, i should've offered.." she shakes her head and leaves my room. "top cupboard, far left." i call out after her. i hear the cupboard squeak when she pulls it open all the way back in my room and silently curse. we have to get that fixed, i make a note to pull some cash with Seb. it's been like that ever since we moved in. i listen to the tap run and then stop. and then she screams and it's a sound so horrifically unexpected that it cuts me to my core, it causes my bones to shake. i drop the pillow i'm trying to stuff into a shabby old grey case and bolt out of my room to the kitchen.
"RORY!" i stop and she's panting, a hand on her chest, but her face is smiling. Seb leans against his doorframe, a smirk on his lips. "hey, mate, nice of you to shout hello when you got in." I take a step forward and Seb and i slap hands and fist bump next. "i'm sorry for screaming." Rory says as soon as i meet her eyes. "he scared me." "i didn't scare her. i just came out of my room and she practically jumped out of her skin." Seb corrects, not looking at Rory. Rory nods. "He's right. it was all me. i thought we were alone.."
"so where were you last night?" Seb butts in, looking from me to Rory. "Crash with you, did he?" Rory turns red. "Uh, we—" I abruptly grab a tuff of Seb's shirt and pull him with me into my room. "Come, help me finish making my bed since Jax probably ejaculated on my sheets last night." i say loudly, leaving Rory slightly stunned alone in the kitchen. "Alright, bro. you can let go now." Seb pointedly looks down at his chest where my fist still clutches at his shirt. i let go and brush it flat again, erasing the creases i'd made. "there, good as new." i give him a warning look. "choose your next words very carefully."
he laughs and we both turn our attention to the bed, him picking up the corner of the sheet and shaking it out, layering it down over the mattress. i move around and together, we finish making the bed. "i should've ran Jax staying by you.." "Ya think?" i retort, stuffing the sheet under the corners. Seb rolls his eyes. "Geez, didn't she put out or something?" "What?!" i stand bolt right again, glaring across the room at him. he's still crouched down though, focused on tucking in. "wasn't the reunion everything you hoped it could be and more? i mean, something obviously went wrong or not the way you wanted..otherwise you wouldn't be acting so short with me."
"You have no idea what you're talking about. And what do people always say about how to approach something you don't understand…don't get involved!" Seb stands again and meets my eye, a serious expression on his features. "Jess, i'm not going to say it again, i don't think going there with this girl again is a good idea." "this girl has a name." "Rory's trouble, bro. i really don't think you've thought this through—" he exaggerates her name and my patience snaps. "i don't have to take this." i dump the duvet down and head for my door, not remembering when Seb shut it.
"Jess, don't be like that—" "Call me bro one more time and i swear to god, i'll—" "You'll what?" he crosses his arms and smirks. "Throw a punch at me, maybe? But see, i don't think you will. You wanna know why? Because Rory wouldn't like that, would she, bro? She wouldn't approve of such meat headed behaviour, especially coming from—" "Okay, that's it." i take a step forward. "You wanna know something, Seb? i'm sick of you trying to tell me how it is. you can spin that story of you looking out for me all you want but at the end of the day, we both know it's gone so far beyond that. You don't like Rory, you never have and you're pissed because she's back in my life—"
"I couldn't care less about her being back in your life! i just know how shitty you're gunna be when the hurricane that is Rory Gilmore disappears from your life again and i'm telling you i'm not gunna be the one picking up the pieces this time! i've had enough, Jess. i'm fed up! just because you had some fling in high school and never got closure on that, doesn't mean she's the one for you! you've got to let this go, man, it's pathetic. you've held out for this chick all these years, letting her just walk all over you and wander in and out of your life when she feels like it or when you happen to cross paths..by complete accident, i might add and i've tried—"
"well, you can stop trying, Seb. you're fed up? fine! you don't like this, fine! you don't have to! it's got nothing to do with you!" "and the way you treated Jax yesterday was ridiculous! you fucking completely—" Seb yells as though i didn't just interrupt him. "message received! you don't approve, you don't—" i ignore him and keep going until he talks over the top of me. "fine, so that's it then..you're putting her over us?" "over who?" "Jax and me! YOUR MATES, JESS! Who the fuck do you think i'm talking about?! Rory's back, so that's it..end of everything else that she doesn't like or that doesn't suit her or that you—" "you're the one who this doesn't suit! Rory's couldn't give a rat's ass about you or Jax! you're the ones making this difficult, making it into something it's not. Fuck, why do you have to do this, Seb?" "BECAUSE, JESS, BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO BLINDED TO SEE IT FOR WHAT IT IS!" "AND WHAT IS IT, OH ALL MIGHTY WISE ONE?!"
he shakes his head, looking away from me. "whatever, bro. look, you're gunna do what you do… and i'm going to do my own thing and maybe, y'know we'll—" "what the fuck are you on about now?" i spit, entirely confused. "you're choosing her, Jess. over your mates, over the rest of your life. you might not see it now, but i know that's what going on. first, you choose to stay out all night with her, not even letting me know you're not gunna be dropping by home, by the way. you could've been dead in a ditch for all i know, dude. after all that drugs shit that went down last spring, we can't go doing that on each other, just not coming home. and next, we'll see less and less of you until finally, you quick the publishing house and you're moving back to that hay bail hillbilly town of hers to procreate together and your days as a bachelor, as our buddy are over."
"YOU ARE TOTALLY OVERREACTING, SEBASTIAN! I CANNOT EVEN BELIEVE YOU'RE SAYING THIS! DO YOU REALISE HOW ABSURD THIS ALL SOUNDS?!" "All i know is the last time shit went down with Rory, we found you in a really bad place, man and i don't want—" "that's not going to happen again, Seb." i assure him. he shakes his head.
"whatever, Jess. i don't care. you're right, maybe i'm being absurd. maybe i'm just stirring up shit for no reason—" A door slam. It's unmistakable, the kind that leaves walls shuddering and a coldness spreading in your chest. Seb and i share a look and then i'm shoving past him, tearing open my door and running toward the front entrance. "RORY!" i shout, catching a glimpse of the back of her as she turns down the stairs, breaking out into a run.
"Hey, Rory, slow down!" she's rushing down the stairs, her hair flailing out behind her, her feet moving quickly. i almost trip but it ends up working in my advantage as it sees me tumble down a few more stairs and then i've caught up with her and manage to stop her. "what are you doing?" her eyes are red and puffy. "h-have you been cry-crying?" i stutter, unable to tear my eyes away. she shrugs my touch off, looking to the floor. "drugs, Jess? really?" her voice breaks and it almost kills me. i don't even try to make excuses.
so she keeps on, mistaking my silence for me being dismissive of the topic. "what, you honestly didn't think i could hear what you guys were saying back there? i heard every word, Jess! and it's clearly not just my imagination that your friends don't like me." "Rory, c'mon it's not like that."
"oh yeah, what's it like then, Jess?" she snaps, pushing hair back from her face. "there's stuff..look, seb, the boys and i…we go way back..there's stuff you don't know, stuff that isn't..well..heavy stuff, i s'pose.." i don't really know how to explain so i stumble my way through and then grimace, knowing before she even opens her mouth, that wasn't going to be enough for her. "we're supposed to go way back!" she shouts and i don't have time to hide my shock. okay..so that wasn't what i was expecting.
"you and i! we're the ones with the history! we're the ones that knew each other back when we were teenagers! you told me you loved me!" we both fall silent, Rory looks mortified at herself for saying this. "..that was a long time ago." i point out and Rory turns around in a huff, descending the stairs once more. "Rory, wait!" "you're right, Jess. okay, you said it..it was a long time ago. obviously it was stupid of me to think you still did. you can go back to your friend now and tell him there's nothing between us anymore. he's got nothing to worry about. i'm not going to steal you away. i'm not going to send you into some downward spiral again. we're done. you said it, not me."
"except that i didn't." "what?" she spins back around and i start down the stairs to meet her level. "did i?" "did you what?" "i never said that." "you didn't have to! it was obvious from the—" and that's when i kissed her.
